Marriage and then babies right away

[pink_sugar]

How long do you think most are married before having kids? Seems like a lot of people are together for awhile and then suddenly marry and have kids shortly after.

[MissBee]

Don't know what the average is...seems most people forego marriage and have kids before, then marry later, if at all.

 

But for me, I'd like to be married for at least 2 years and just get used to married life without kids before I start having babies. There is no going back after that lol, so I'd like to establish a routine with my husband as a married couple and really plan out when we want to add kids to the mix.

[pink_sugar]

That is totally true and I know exactly what you mean. It has been the same for me also. Getting to know one another more and enjoying married life before throwing kids into the mix.

[HHC]

We got married after we had kids.

[Million.to.1]

I think when you are young, it is easy to have ideals about how you would like things to go.

When you get older, and everything hasn't worked out exactly as you thought it might, then your ideals change.

 

Biological clocks still tick. Life can't always be planned, and sometimes your expectations and ideals are what messes everything up in the first place.

 

i would say, by your posts, that both Miss bee and pinksugar are females under the age of 25.

 

I thought like you too once upon a time.

[pink_sugar]

I think regardless of my age, my ideals wouldn't change much. I have always wanted to be married before having children. I am married, have been with my husband 6 years and have managed to not have kids. You have more control over your life than you think. However, sometimes you cannot predict divorce and step families, but you have plenty of control over when you choose to have children.

[CarboniteCammy]

Ah, Pink Sugar... how my husband and I would like to disagree with you. We were using TWO forms of birth control and got pregnant. In fact, I'm due with our little surprise any time now!

 

YOU are just in the position where what ever form of BC you're using has worked 100% for you up to this point. So, because that's been your life experience, you think that's how every one else's life is, too. It doesn't work that way.

 

And yep, birth control works until it doesn't. Just like anything else.

 

As for the opposite side of things, I know people who have been trying for YEARS and cannot get pregnant.

 

So, maybe certain people under certain conditions can plan for a family and do so accurately, but it's not something I'd say you can do 100% of the time.

[pink_sugar]

I don't know, it seems like quite a bit of people on this forum claim to have been using one or two methods and got pregnant anyways. The condom breaking is an exception, because the morning after is only 86% effective. But the pill is 99% effective, I find it hard to believe that so many people are claiming to be that one percent. For birth control pills, usually reason for failure is skipping too many pills, not taking them at a consistent time or using something like antibiotics at the same time. *shrugs* I know it's possible, but if used correctly birth control is almost always effective. Congrats on your new baby though!

[CarboniteCammy]

Well, I can't speak for others. :-) I wasn't on the pill, because I can't seem to find one that really seems to work with my body chemistry. Maybe that's where our mistake was, and yes, the other form was a condom. I've been doing the same thing for YEARS now. I've been sexually active since college and this was the first time that I have ever gotten pregnant. I'm just glad it was with my husband.

 

I am happy, just wish we'd had the chance to plan things out a bit better financially. Not that we're hurting necessarily, but honestly I had no idea how much babies cost until this happened: From the prenatal doctors bills, to preparing a nursery (so much furniture and clothing and bottles and breast feeding equipment- and the list goes on), to the imminent hospital bills for the birth (our portion is very little compared to what my insurance will pay, but it's still VERY expensive!)

 

My family was poor as anything growing up, and now I can see why!

 

It's definitely been a learning experience and if it's at all possible for someone, I suggest planning for it as much as you can. At least creating some kind of savings account for everything you'll need would be a great idea.

[Onlyjonley]

I'd like to be married 3 or 4 years before kids. Though I know that plan may change once I'm actually married and settled.

 

But I just want to be able to enjoy my husband and experience life as a married couple before all of the chaos comes along!

[pink_sugar]

Well, I can't speak for others. :-) I wasn't on the pill, because I can't seem to find one that really seems to work with my body chemistry. Maybe that's where our mistake was, and yes, the other form was a condom. I've been doing the same thing for YEARS now. I've been sexually active since college and this was the first time that I have ever gotten pregnant. I'm just glad it was with my husband.

 

I am happy, just wish we'd had the chance to plan things out a bit better financially. Not that we're hurting necessarily, but honestly I had no idea how much babies cost until this happened: From the prenatal doctors bills, to preparing a nursery (so much furniture and clothing and bottles and breast feeding equipment- and the list goes on), to the imminent hospital bills for the birth (our portion is very little compared to what my insurance will pay, but it's still VERY expensive!)

 

My family was poor as anything growing up, and now I can see why!

 

It's definitely been a learning experience and if it's at all possible for someone, I suggest planning for it as much as you can. At least creating some kind of savings account for everything you'll need would be a great idea.

 

Thanks for clearing that up. Yeah, I think condoms alone are less effective due to possible breakage and pre-ejaculation. I thought about using condoms alone at one point to get off the hormones, but glad I didn't. I think the pill is more effective and intimacy is more enjoyable. Finding a birth control method can be difficult for a lot of people. I know I certainly wouldn't use something like the IUD or diaphragm.

[pink_sugar]

Ooops double post.

[MuscleCarFan]

This is pink_sugar's husband and I like being married for awhile before we have kids. I want to be financially set (and finished with school!) before we have a family.

[Radu]

Thanks for clearing that up. Yeah, I think condoms alone are less effective due to possible breakage and pre-ejaculation. I thought about using condoms alone at one point to get off the hormones, but glad I didn't. I think the pill is more effective and intimacy is more enjoyable. Finding a birth control method can be difficult for a lot of people. I know I certainly wouldn't use something like the IUD or diaphragm.

 

I guess it depends with ppl, but generally speaking the condom is the best BC method available on the market.

Breakage is not an issue if you treat it right, and pre-ejaculation is a non-issue because you have the condom on.

[pink_sugar]

You can look just about anywhere on the internet and in any preventative care clinic; the pill is definitely more effective than the condom. I even saw the statistics listed over at planned parenthood in order of effectiveness. The pill is up to 99.9% effective if used properly where as the condom really depends. Even if used properly, the breakage, defects and per-ejaculation still makes it less effective overall. If you are comparing condoms and pills in effectiveness of treating STD's, then that's another story. But as for pregnancy, the pill is always more effective when used properly.

[MissBee]

I think when you are young, it is easy to have ideals about how you would like things to go.

When you get older, and everything hasn't worked out exactly as you thought it might, then your ideals change.

 

Biological clocks still tick. Life can't always be planned, and sometimes your expectations and ideals are what messes everything up in the first place.

 

i would say, by your posts, that both Miss bee and pinksugar are females under the age of 25.

 

I thought like you too once upon a time.

 

Life can't always be planned however, I don't think it means one should forego plans altogether, do you?

 

I am flexible.; however, I like to have ideals and plans and then work with life. I can't imagine simply not having any ideals because I don't know what tomorrow brings. I strongly believe in being intentional and planning the life you want and leaving room for changing route if need be.

 

That has worked for me and I've achieved most ideals I've aspired to. The no kids before marriage or no kids until after two years into marriage is an ideal that is a lot easier achieved than some of the other achievements I've had, so I'm not daunted by that one bit. If I decide otherwise later on, so be it. But I don't believe that I have zero control over my life and just have to allow things to happen to me at random.

Edited July 4, 2012 by MissBee

[threebyfate]

It's fine to make plans but sometimes shyte just happens. We got engaged in February and accidentally pregnant in September (on birth control) but didn't realize it until October. While we had planned on having children, a few years with just the two of us would have been nice.

 

Doesn't matter though. Our little guy's the light of our life and now, I'm pregnant with our second, this time planned.

 

Overall, roll with whatever life gives you, whether honey sweet or otherwise.

[MissBee]

It's fine to make plans but sometimes shyte just happens. We got engaged in February and accidentally pregnant in September (on birth control) but didn't realize it until October. While we had planned on having children, a few years with just the two of us would have been nice.

Doesn't matter though. Our little guy's the light of our life and now, I'm pregnant with our second, this time planned.

 

Overall, roll with whatever life gives you, whether honey sweet or otherwise.

 

Awww

 

I definitely know once I'm married, even if I have a baby before I planned to, I'll be over joyed nonetheless as I do want kids.

 

I plan as far as possible and leave room for curve balls. I can do whatever is in my power to achieve whatever goal I set out to...and that's about it.

[pink_sugar]

Awww

 

I definitely know once I'm married, even if I have a baby before I planned to, I'll be over joyed nonetheless as I do want kids.

 

I plan as far as possible and leave room for curve balls. I can do whatever is in my power to achieve whatever goal I set out to...and that's about it.

 

I definitely know what you mean. Not getting pregnant when I got married at 19 was a big deal, even though I was married. I'm 23 now and still prefer not to have any kids for at least another 3-4 years. If sooner, no big deal as long as my H and I have somewhat decent jobs. However, 4-5 years ago when we moved in together, it was a big no-no since I was attending college and only working part time bum jobs.

[Radu]

You can look just about anywhere on the internet and in any preventative care clinic; the pill is definitely more effective than the condom. I even saw the statistics listed over at planned parenthood in order of effectiveness. The pill is up to 99.9% effective if used properly where as the condom really depends. Even if used properly, the breakage, defects and per-ejaculation still makes it less effective overall. If you are comparing condoms and pills in effectiveness of treating STD's, then that's another story. But as for pregnancy, the pill is always more effective when used properly.

 

 

Planned Parenthood is about as impartial as the republicans are on big business and democrats are on the welfare state; impartiality is a dirty word in many countries.

I told you before, pre-ejaculation is a non-issue because you already have it on.

 

Pill is quite frankly, crap.

Most hormonal BC have unwanted side-effects, which you will find out more about if you speak to other women.

Hormonal BC like the pill is messing with something quite delicate, the substances that dictate how your body behaves/reacts/grows ... you do not want that.

Not many women have no problems with hormonal BC, many develop side-effects, which atm may seem as less important.

 

On the other hand, condoms have no problems if kept well, and they also can reach a 99.9% succes rate if used properly.

 

And in the end i'd just like to add :

- the pill puts the protection in the hands of one person of the couple; there are women out there who will sabotage their BC to get the baby or the legal/emotional link it brings with their guy while the condom puts protection in both of their hands ... much more fair

- less medical problems with condoms vs the pill; very few ppl are alergic to basic condoms and even that can be remedied with other types of condoms

[threebyfate]

I plan as far as possible and leave room for curve balls. I can do whatever is in my power to achieve whatever goal I set out to...and that's about it.

While I'm not religious, The Serenity Prayer is so apt. If you're not religious or Christian, redact God or replace with your preferred higher power:

 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

[pink_sugar]

Planned Parenthood is about as impartial as the republicans are on big business and democrats are on the welfare state; impartiality is a dirty word in many countries.

I told you before, pre-ejaculation is a non-issue because you already have it on.

 

Pill is quite frankly, crap.

Most hormonal BC have unwanted side-effects, which you will find out more about if you speak to other women.

Hormonal BC like the pill is messing with something quite delicate, the substances that dictate how your body behaves/reacts/grows ... you do not want that.

Not many women have no problems with hormonal BC, many develop side-effects, which atm may seem as less important.

 

On the other hand, condoms have no problems if kept well, and they also can reach a 99.9% succes rate if used properly.

 

And in the end i'd just like to add :

- the pill puts the protection in the hands of one person of the couple; there are women out there who will sabotage their BC to get the baby or the legal/emotional link it brings with their guy while the condom puts protection in both of their hands ... much more fair

- less medical problems with condoms vs the pill; very few ppl are alergic to basic condoms and even that can be remedied with other types of condoms

 

I do agree 100% that men should also be protecting themselves against STD's and have more control over their bodies. I'm only more serious about using one method if in a serious and monogamous relationship, otherwise you both should use protection. I know someone who has used the pill and said it caused moodiness for her, so she uses the shot. However, condoms can be uncomfortable for either the man or the woman, due to latex allergies and general discomfort. I personally wouldn't use something like the IUD or diaphragm or anything you insert. I think the problem most people have with condoms being not very effective is a lot of people don't put it on right away when necessary and hence the pre-cum. I've been taking the pill for about 7 years with no issues. If I have had any side effects from time to time, they are minor.

[Radu]

I do agree 100% that men should also be protecting themselves against STD's and have more control over their bodies. I'm only more serious about using one method if in a serious and monogamous relationship, otherwise you both should use protection. I know someone who has used the pill and said it caused moodiness for her, so she uses the shot. However, condoms can be uncomfortable for either the man or the woman, due to latex allergies and general discomfort. I personally wouldn't use something like the IUD or diaphragm or anything you insert. I think the problem most people have with condoms being not very effective is a lot of people don't put it on right away when necessary and hence the pre-cum. I've been taking the pill for about 7 years with no issues. If I have had any side effects from time to time, they are minor.

 

That can happen, but what is even more worrying is how they handle them.

I keep my condoms in a metal box, the type which used to be used for cigarettes.

I only keep them for the first half of their good time.

 

Keeping them in pockets or in the wallet subjects them to shearing force, and reduces their resistance something fierce.

 

For allergies, you can get condoms made of other types of materials [not latex], or even bio ones made from sheep intestines [reusable].

 

It's true, even the best ones are not as good as going raw ... but the thought of making a 19yr commitement to a potential nutcase keeps me in check.

Also, don't want STD's.

[KR10N]

A lot of couples get pregnant before marriage and have a shotgun wedding before the baby arrives. Smart - sarcasm. Is it really necessary to get married and then have kids? 'Cause I don't want to marry just to be someone's breeding machine.

[pink_sugar]

A lot of couples get pregnant before marriage and have a shotgun wedding before the baby arrives. Smart - sarcasm. Is it really necessary to get married and then have kids? 'Cause I don't want to marry just to be someone's breeding machine.

 

haha yeah, that's a good point there. For me I'd want to marry a guy because I want to be with him, not just to have kids. For committment and I'd certainly want that before having kids with him. But I've been married 4 years with no kids yet.