My boyfriend doesn't want to marry me.

[humanbeing]

The Problem

 

I am 42 and my boyfriend is 30. We've been together for nine-and-a-half years. We have a really loving and supportive relationship and as far as it's possible to know I think we'll be together forever. However he doesn't want to get married. My argument for getting married is "why not since we'll be together forever anyway?" It would make economical sense for one thing. I own my own house (where we live together) and if I died tomorrow my mother would inherit it and although she'd never actually take the house from him it would make an already horrible situation worse to have to deal with the legalities of all of that while grieving. Also I think it's romantic to promise to love each other forever, a magical moment between the two of us that we could share.

 

The relationship I have with him is the best relationship I've ever had. If I wasn't me I'd be really jealous of us. We're a proper little team, very loving and supportive. He puts up with all my neuroses in a charming and graceful way and makes me laugh when I am down. All my friends and family love him. Him and my brother have become best friends.

 

I'm not really sure why he's resistant to marriage, sounds strange, doesn't it, after all these years? At the beginning I just assumed we'd get married eventually since he does everything else I've asked of him and I know he loves me. But whenever the subject has come up it's lead to hideous arguments with masses of crying (on my part) and renting of garments (on his). The last time we talked I suggested we get married on our 10 year anniversary. I'm really not into the whole white dress, church, honeymoon, hen night, huge party type of wedding, I've always believed that a marriage is between two people and would just like to do it in a registry office with the minimum of fuss and then just get on with the rest of our lives with the only real difference being that I could refer to him as my "husband" instead of my "boyfriend". Even suggesting we get married on our 10 year anniversary means that there'd only be one anniversary to celebrate.

 

He's said he'll marry me but I know it's just because he can't really argue against it. He's not into it in any way. Having believed that the matter was settled we were lying together the other night having a tender moment and I said "so... we're getting married then" and was leading up to say "I suppose that means we're engaged" and just wanted to enjoy the moment with him, expecting him to smile and say "yes, I suppose we are" but instead he said impatiently, "I've said I'll marry you a hundred times" in a kind of "what MORE do you want?" kind of way. I was absolutely devastated. I realise it's not what he wants at all, he's not enjoying the idea, he's just saying he'll go through with it because of lack of options. I'm not expecting him to rush out and spend a month's wages on a diamond engagement ring, in fact I really don't want anything at all from him - just to marry me. It really doesn't seem too much to ask after 10 years, does it?

 

I feel I've already given up dreams of so much, things normal people do, like have a family (he doesn't want children, not really such a big deal as I've never really felt much maternal stirring, but maybe with a different person... who knows?) and now it seems I'll never even get married. I know it's pathetic but I even start to look at my friends and programs on TV and think "THEY get married, why can't I?" and start to think "why am I different and can't have the normal milestones that other people seem to have?" Am I just being ridiculous to want him to WANT to marry me?

 

As I see it I have three options; carry on as we are - living together and loving each other; force the issue and get married anyway or break up with him and loose the best thing that's ever happened to me. If I do the first thing I worry that our 10 year anniversary (and our subsequent ones) will be tinged with sadness (for me). If I choose the second it does would not sit well with me at all, after all how important is it really? And if I choose the third I'll probably regret it for the rest of my life with no guarantees that I'll find someone who fits as well as he does with me on every other level.

[Million.to.1]

Well... TBH i think you are being unreasonable. If marriage isn't important to him and he is only doing it to make you happy, you can't force him to be all excited and happy about it. He is doing it because he can see that it is important to you, he loves you and wants to make you happy and is making a sacrifice in order to please you. You can't expect him to also FEEL it's importance in the same way that you do.

 

But I also think that you are making a certain sacrifice too. You are down playing the importance of day and occasion by not making it a "big day". I think deep down, you would like a celebration with you friends and family present. and a romantic holiday afterwards... ....who wouldn't? Details of dress and flowers and crap isn't important. Its about the declaration and the statement you are both making to the world together about your love. Right?

And if he is being dragged or guilted into it, then you aren't really getting what you truly want at all.

 

If it is just a legal / practical thing then view it as such. I know it's hard when a certain part of you does in fact want him to want the whole romantic and commitment importance too, but he just doesn't.

[humanbeing]

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Your reply was a little harsh but definitely a fair analysis of the situation. It's good to get an outsider's opinion, when one's IN the situation it's hard to see the bigger picture. I guess I'll just have to make peace with the fact that he doesn't want to and just be happy we've got so much else together. I'm a little heartbroken but there it is.

[GildedLily]

You guys seem pretty incompatible even though you said you would be jealous as a stranger looking in. You need to be honest with yourself that a man who wants marriage is IMPORTANT to you and not just settle for being the forever girlfriend. Marriage is a milestone and that is why the right to be legally married is being so relentlessly fought for in America. To a lot of us (women) marriage means "being picked" you are that special one that he wants and he's willing to make it legal. Don't feel shame that you want what you want; if you must leave this one, to get what you truly want, you may be happier.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You've been with him since he was 20? Are you his first relationship? Are you sure he is ready for you to be his last?

[Star Gazer]

You've been with him since he was 20? Are you his first relationship? Are you sure he is ready for you to be his last?

 

This.

 

And the house/inheritance isn't a reason to get married. If you want him to get your house, don't die intestate. Draft a will.

[humanbeing]

GlidedLily: Well, it does seem we are incompatible on this one issue of marriage but we seem so compatible on nearly every other level. Hence the dilemma. You're right about wanting to feel "picked". However if I leave him there are no guarantees I'll find someone who fits as well as he does, I may be happier and I may well be even sadder.

 

Mme. Chauser: I AM his first relationship. It's one of the things I like about him. He comes with no baggage from previous relationships. As far as it's possible to know anything I really believe we'll stay together forever but of course nothing is guaranteed, even if we WERE married.

 

Star Gazer: I can leave the house to him in a will but since we aren't marred he'd have to pay the tax. The bill would be so high he'd probably have to sell the house to pay it.

[crazylove]

Kinda sounds like he wants everything his way...doesn't want to get married....doesn't want to have kids. These are big issues if they are what you want. Have you just 'agreed' to just go along with not having kids because of him, because that's what it sounds like with you thinking with someone else u may have. Now you have to go along with not being married too....sounds a bit one sided to me.

[2sunny]

Your expecting something that he doesn't want.

 

You say it's good - why are you trying to change a good thing?

 

If you FORCE having your way - it could be disasterous.

 

Why not enjoy it for the beauty of the way it is?

[GildedLily]

GlidedLily: Well, it does seem we are incompatible on this one issue of marriage but we seem so compatible on nearly every other level. Hence the dilemma. You're right about wanting to feel "picked". However if I leave him there are no guarantees I'll find someone who fits as well as he does, I may be happier and I may well be even sadder.

 

There's also no guarantee that you guys won't break up after years of doing things "his way". How will you feel if you two break up in 8 years; you will be 50 yrs old and it will be MUCH harder for you to find a mate for marriage.

 

You say that the marriage and kids incompatibility is your only incompatibility, that's like winning the battle and losing the war, my friend. Look at the big picture; what you have in common is a "want" to not be alone with common interests. I don't doubt that you love each other; but he doesn't love you, how you want to be loved-he doesn't want forever with you and that is a big DEAL BREAKER in my eyes.

 

When you love someone you give them what they need; your need is to be married, he is not meeting your needs.

[Lionblade]

GlidedLily: Well, it does seem we are incompatible on this one issue of marriage but we seem so compatible on nearly every other level. Hence the dilemma. You're right about wanting to feel "picked". However if I leave him there are no guarantees I'll find someone who fits as well as he does, I may be happier and I may well be even sadder.

 

There's also no guarantee that you guys won't break up after years of doing things "his way". How will you feel if you two break up in 8 years; you will be 50 yrs old and it will be MUCH harder for you to find a mate for marriage.

 

You say that the marriage and kids incompatibility is your only incompatibility, that's like winning the battle and losing the war, my friend. Look at the big picture; what you have in common is a "want" to not be alone with common interests. I don't doubt that you love each other; but he doesn't love you, how you want to be loved-he doesn't want forever with you and that is a big DEAL BREAKER in my eyes.

 

When you love someone you give them what they need; your need is to be married, he is not meeting your needs.

 

There's also no guarantee that they won't be divorced even if they get married. People who are compatible & truly love each other will find a way to be together in the best & worst of times whether they are married or domestic partners. Only thing marriage will realistically do is keep unhappy spouses together due to the legal difficulties of getting out.

[threebyfate]

If marriage is really important to you, as in a need instead of a want, this guy will only be dragged to the altar so he's not the right guy for you.

 

Did some research and in the Scandinavian country of Norway, if you cohabitate for two years or more, there's no tax on the real estate inheritance. If you live in Norway or either of the two Scandinavian countries (since their laws are similar) and decide to end it, best to find out all the laws associated to cohabitation since it might entail losing 50%.

[pink_sugar]

I agree with the other posters. A 12 year age difference is a big deal when you're only 20. It sounds like you may have been his first or first really serious relationship and it stuck for 9 years. There is nothing worse than finding out you wasted so much time with someone who didn't want to marry. Especially since you are 42 now. It probably took so long because he was so young when you got together and didn't know what he wanted, but by now he's 30, he's probably pretty sure what he wants by now and obviously marriage doesn't seem to excite him. It's been nine years and you might want to think if marriage is a deal breaker for you. Is it more important that you get married or would you mind being in a committed relationship long term without marriage?

[pteromom]

You can't MAKE him feel differently than he does, so you have three choices:

 

1. Go ahead with marriage plans, knowing that he is not going to be excited about it, but is willing to go through with it.

 

2. Drop the marriage plans and hope that with time, he will change his mind. In the meantime, just enjoy your time together without pressuring marriage.

 

3. Move on, and find someone who wants to get married as much as you do.

[MissBee]

I think all relationships should have some goal or trajectory that should at least be check or revised periodically. I don't think I could be with someone for almost a decade and not ever know if they wanted to get married.

 

Frankly, for me, marriage is something I want, so in any serious relationship, it would have to come up and I'd have to know his views on it before I even settle down with him and be his serious girlfriend. That way, as a couple, we're planning towards a goal...and for me, if after 3 years we're not strongly discussing marriage and he doesn't seem to want to do it...then I'd probably have to move on...I don't see how for 9 years you can be together and not really know that this person doesn't want what you want in that regard.

Edited May 17, 2012 by MissBee

[myallenmedia]

The Problem

 

I am 42 and my boyfriend is 30. We've been together for nine-and-a-half years. We have a really loving and supportive relationship and as far as it's possible to know I think we'll be together forever. However he doesn't want to get married. My argument for getting married is "why not since we'll be together forever anyway?" It would make economical sense for one thing. I own my own house (where we live together) and if I died tomorrow my mother would inherit it and although she'd never actually take the house from him it would make an already horrible situation worse to have to deal with the legalities of all of that while grieving. Also I think it's romantic to promise to love each other forever, a magical moment between the two of us that we could share.

 

The relationship I have with him is the best relationship I've ever had. If I wasn't me I'd be really jealous of us. We're a proper little team, very loving and supportive. He puts up with all my neuroses in a charming and graceful way and makes me laugh when I am down. All my friends and family love him. Him and my brother have become best friends.

 

I'm not really sure why he's resistant to marriage, sounds strange, doesn't it, after all these years? At the beginning I just assumed we'd get married eventually since he does everything else I've asked of him and I know he loves me. But whenever the subject has come up it's lead to hideous arguments with masses of crying (on my part) and renting of garments (on his). The last time we talked I suggested we get married on our 10 year anniversary. I'm really not into the whole white dress, church, honeymoon, hen night, huge party type of wedding, I've always believed that a marriage is between two people and would just like to do it in a registry office with the minimum of fuss and then just get on with the rest of our lives with the only real difference being that I could refer to him as my "husband" instead of my "boyfriend". Even suggesting we get married on our 10 year anniversary means that there'd only be one anniversary to celebrate.

 

He's said he'll marry me but I know it's just because he can't really argue against it. He's not into it in any way. Having believed that the matter was settled we were lying together the other night having a tender moment and I said "so... we're getting married then" and was leading up to say "I suppose that means we're engaged" and just wanted to enjoy the moment with him, expecting him to smile and say "yes, I suppose we are" but instead he said impatiently, "I've said I'll marry you a hundred times" in a kind of "what MORE do you want?" kind of way. I was absolutely devastated. I realise it's not what he wants at all, he's not enjoying the idea, he's just saying he'll go through with it because of lack of options. I'm not expecting him to rush out and spend a month's wages on a diamond engagement ring, in fact I really don't want anything at all from him - just to marry me. It really doesn't seem too much to ask after 10 years, does it?

 

I feel I've already given up dreams of so much, things normal people do, like have a family (he doesn't want children, not really such a big deal as I've never really felt much maternal stirring, but maybe with a different person... who knows?) and now it seems I'll never even get married. I know it's pathetic but I even start to look at my friends and programs on TV and think "THEY get married, why can't I?" and start to think "why am I different and can't have the normal milestones that other people seem to have?" Am I just being ridiculous to want him to WANT to marry me?

 

As I see it I have three options; carry on as we are - living together and loving each other; force the issue and get married anyway or break up with him and loose the best thing that's ever happened to me. If I do the first thing I worry that our 10 year anniversary (and our subsequent ones) will be tinged with sadness (for me). If I choose the second it does would not sit well with me at all, after all how important is it really? And if I choose the third I'll probably regret it for the rest of my life with no guarantees that I'll find someone who fits as well as he does with me on every other level.

 

Seems to me that he's not committed but with that said, do keep this in mind. A lot of people don't believe in marriage because it's a government sanctioned event. To get married you have to pay the government a fee then it's a legal issue. Why can't we just have commitment ceremonies?

 

You've been together for so long, does it matter really?

[lovelove81]

Hi there!

 

First off, can I say that I feel like I'm someone who can totally relate. I've been with my man for 10 years. We met when I was 21 and he was 22. He is my only real relationship and my only intimate partner. He had a few flings before me, but no serious romantic relationships.

 

He comes from a divorced family. It was pretty bad and he never really got over it. So, his vision of marriage is not a very positive one as he associates it with stress, guilt, lying, arguing, and later, divorce, pettiness and bitterness. So, I had my work cut out for me.

 

Myself, I've never considered myself very traditional. I've always viewed marriage as more of an excuse to have a big party than a real commitment. To me, a real commitment means staying with someone, being totally open and honest, communicating with each other and respecting each other. I never even really cared about marriage until all of my friends started getting engaged, showing off their rings, having weddings, and going on honeymoons...and later came the "Oh...poor you. It'll happen one day" looks and talks and "advice" on how to convince my guy to propose.

 

For me, I want to get married now, but not to make my relationship secure (because it already is). For me, it's about caving in to social pressures and expectations and not having to explain our whole relationship to others (it's annoying). That and the fact that all those wedding shows on TV and romantic comedies have basically TRAINED me to believe this is what LOVE is (even though I know deep down that's not the case).

 

The BIGGER issue, for you, I think, is whether or not you two want to have children. You need to have a SERIOUS talk on whether or not this is something you want. I hate to be harsh, but you are 42 and the clock is ticking. For guys, not so much, especially if they're 40 or younger. I think the decision to have a family is WAY more important than deciding to get married. Getting a ring on your finger and having a paper to file away will not change your relationship AT ALL by the sounds of it, but having children WILL.

 

I would approach the situation by asking him, "If I was pregnant right now, would you want me to keep it or get rid of it?" If he says, "get rid of it" and this makes you sad or upset, I think you need to move on. That's a decision that is actually important, in my opinion.

 

For all of this, I'd make a list of everything you want in an ideal partner (imagine you're a teenager again and write it down without thinking about your current partner). Then, go through the list and see how many he matches. It may sound silly, but it might give you some clarity on what YOU really want and what your priorities are. I did this and wrote down, "I want someone who is romantic" and then when I was going through my list again I thought that my boyfriend maybe doesn't really "get" proposing and I'll never get some super romantic wedding, but he tells me he loves me on a regular basis, hugs me, and does little things everyday that are romantic. It's not all about valentine's, rings, and grand gestures. I wanted someone who makes me laugh, and he definitely fits that. Basically everything that was important to me matched with him, so I decided he's the man for me!

 

GOOD LUCK!

[MuscleCarFan]

I just don't understand why some people are so against getting married. There is plenty of benefits to getting married! Well, that's my opinion.

 

It's hard for me to think what you should do. One hand this is your best relationship ever, on the other he, for some reason, barely wants to marry you. I suggest couples counseling to get past this issue so you can either marry or split up and move on.

[Woggle]

The fact that many women want to get married because their friends are doing it or because of wedding shows is why many men shy away from it. When a woman wants marriage because she truly believes in the commitment is when a man should consider it.

[Pepper Potts]

I would leave him. I know it's been really long term but I dated an ex for 2 years and I split from him because he didn't want to get married. Some people value marriage and others don't. I need to be with someone who values that. He needs a woman who is more lackadaisical about it. You deserve someone who will WANT to be married to you on his own--not just because it's something you want!

[spookie]

In these situations I usually think the guy is not committed. But I have to disagree with the majority of posters in this case. It sounds like he is totally committed to you, there is just something about marriage that rubs him the wrong way. And he already said he'd do it if you want it so bad.

 

So what are his reasons for NOT wanting to get married?

[samsungxoxo]

And he already said he'd do it if you want it so bad.

That's a awful reason for any man to get married. I sure wouldn't want a man proposing to me just because I want it so badly. I would want him to do it because he wants it too, not a ''Ok here you go'' forced proposal. That will definitely not put a smile on my face.

OP break up. 12 years is too long.

Edited June 30, 2012 by samsungxoxo

[Woggle]

Shouldn't a man take into account whether or not a woman wants to marry for the right reasons as well. Because all your friends are doing it is not a good foundation to build a strong marriage.

[spookie]

That's a awful reason for any man to get married. I sure wouldn't want a man proposing to me just because I want it so badly. I would want him to do it because he wants it too, not a ''Ok here you go'' forced proposal. That will definitely not put a smile on my face.

OP break up. 12 years is too long.

 

Marriage is something she wants, not him. He is willing to do it to appease her. What's wrong with that? Are different desire levels for marriage (note I did not say commitment to one another) really a good reason to end an otherwise happy relationship of 12 years?

 

If it's so important to you and he is willing, just get married, and go back to loving each other as you always have.

[threebyfate]

Marriage is something she wants, not him. He is willing to do it to appease her. What's wrong with that? Are different desire levels for marriage (note I did not say commitment to one another) really a good reason to end an otherwise happy relationship of 12 years?

 

If it's so important to you and he is willing, just get married, and go back to loving each other as you always have.

I'd say it's a valid reason for breaking up since the two have different values and goals in life. Clinging to relationships where a goal this important isn't shared, is asking...nay jumping up and down and demanding some even greater relationship issues down the road.