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A wedding: If it's really about the relationship.....


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I'm a 28 year old female. I have never been married. I am in a long-term relationship and have many friends starting to get married. I have one friend that has asked me to speak at her wedding. She is very low-key, no bridesmaids or insane demands so I agreed. I always decline to be in a wedding party (excluding the one mentioned above) for personal reasons I won't get into and my friends have always respected it.

 

Question is. If it's about the relationship and embarking on the path that these two people will share - why do brides feel the need to get all upset over things like bridal showers, making sure the guests get them gifts comparable to what was spent on their dinner, parties, etc? It's disgusting. I even think a registry and going on an on about "this is MY day" is just childish and narcissistic.

 

I realized it's one's choice to have a wedding and this alone does not make one selfish but explain to me with a straight face how a bride can b*tch and moan about the stuff I listed above and really understand that the RELATIONSHIP is the more important thing worth celebrating.

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Can't say I agree with you. I have friends of friends getting married and I'm in one of the weddings (so, 3 total) where the brides and grooms are asking so much of people and expecting people to pay so much. Resentment is building between everyone and it's insane. I've been straight forward and honest (like a grown up) and managed to piss off one bride because I couldn't go to her destination engagement party while paying a total of $1200 for everything else.

 

TV show? I wish - it's all around me!

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good question.

 

Fortunately my fiance and I have kept things simple. The guest list, invitations, and dinner plans have been the only things we have had to discuss in detail. Everything else has been a piece of cake.

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TokyoG33kyGal

i cannot blame you totally but i think there's a reason why they send out "save the date" cards and invitations to give you a heads up to save for the wedding. if you cannot afford it, you can politely decline with the response card they provide.

 

i personally do not like spending too much on a wedding, that's why we are only planning on a small, intimate one. though i see that too as a problem if i don't invite people who are expecting to be invited.

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I think there's a combination of factors at play. I have been in four weddings, helped plan two more, and then of course planned my own.

 

Of course there are some brides out there who have princess complexes that have gotten overstimulated by the bloated American wedding industry--but there are also a lot of brides who are just plain stressed out to the max. Planning a wedding is stressful in a way few can appreciate until they're in the middle of it. People crawl out of the woodwork with heavy expectations, most of which are focused squarely on the bride. Something about weddings brings out the controlling busybody in a lot of people, some of whom you'd've never suspected capable of it. People start yapping at the bride about placemats and colors as if they were life and death. Mothers and grandmothers want to live out their own fantasies and start pouring on the pressure, friends and coworkers suddenly start catty oneupsmanship games. Everybody's worried about finances, but everybody wants things done THEIR way. All these religious or traditional things suddenly become an obligation, and there's the bride's sweet old aunt suddenly about to be mortally offended if the bride doesn't sacrifice her own desires and do things a different way because somebody's grandmother did them that way. She's having a hard time finding a dress that's not going to make her look frumpy on a day when she knows for a fact all eyes are going to be on her, and many of them judging. Maybe somebody has to go through a pain-in-the-ass religious conversion. The groom distances himself from all of it and is bored and uninvolved and the bride is afraid that means he's got cold feet and doesn't really want to get married. It's a pressure cooker in which childhood dreams are being mutilated right and left, and it can be gory :laugh:. That kind of environmental pressure can make people very tense, almost obsessed with things that might not matter that much to them otherwise--under that kind of scrutiny, it can be easy to get lost in the details. Plus, they're already stressed because they're standing in the threshold of one of the biggest decisions of their lives, even if it's one they're really happy about.

 

I chose to have a very small, intimate, relatively casual outdoors wedding to avoid as much of that as possible, because I didn't want all the stress and aggravation, I didn't want to turn into some frustrated bridezilla--and I ended up offending some people by having a small non-religious family-only wedding that was no muss, no fuss. I ended up stressed out and tense anyway, I think I even had one "it's MY day" rant when I was just sick and almost in tears about a mean letter a supposed friend sent me just days before my wedding, because she was angry that my wedding was going to be family-only--even though she knew full well I had originally wanted to elope and have NOBODY there because I dont' even like weddings! Anyway, I actually have a lot of sympathy for the average stressed-out pressured bride, torn in half by obligations on every side.

 

The TV-style princessy bridezilla is obviously a different story.

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STUNG! I have to say, you broke that down for me wonderfully! Thank you.

 

It does seem like so much and I have seen girls who don't seem to give one hoot about a wedding but once that ring gets on that finger....BAM it's like a totally different person. I hope I can maintain calm as well.

 

As for your friend that wrote you that letter - UGH - I feel like everyone goes through that. The friend that just can't understand. I feel like that's a good weed-out method...get married and have a small wedding and the people that don't find a reason to get pissed with you are your friends.

 

People get so offended. I don't think I'd be a very ladylike bride as I'd end up telling so many people to back the eff off and stop being so selfish.

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People get so offended. I don't think I'd be a very ladylike bride as I'd end up telling so many people to back the eff off and stop being so selfish.

 

And then you'd be accused of being a bridezilla! :laugh:

 

But yeah, my wedding was a real eye-opener in many ways, family dynamics, politics of friendships and traditions, appeasing the in-laws, juggling finances and managing expectations. Now, the day itself was amazing and romantic and is one of my fondest memories, and I love being married to my wonderful husband. But that friendship, which had been sustained for many years, has actually never recovered, and I still feel that loss although I can see now that I might be better off without certain aspects of it.

 

Another thing that bothered people about my wedding was that we chose to NOT register anywhere, and specifically ask for no gifts: we asked people to just contribute to their own favorite charity if they wanted to do anything. Yep, you just can't make everyone happy no matter what you do.

Edited by Stung
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Duckduckgoose

Eh I got married at the courthouse. Couldn't afford a wedding and didn't want one tbh.

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Another thing that bothered people about my wedding was that we chose to NOT register anywhere, and specifically ask for no gifts: we asked people to just contribute to their own favorite charity if they wanted to do anything. Yep, you just can't make everyone happy no matter what you do.

 

Wait - WHAT? It bothered people? Why? Did it make them uncomfortable when they realized how selfish it made them look to have registered for $500 sterling silver bowls and $800 china plates at their wedding?

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Lauriebell82
And then you'd be accused of being a bridezilla! :laugh:

 

Pretty ironic. I think there is stigma in regards to brides who care so much about their wedding and want it to be perfect. I agree that there are brides that are just biatchy, I was more a stressed out "I want everything to be perfect so that's why I care" type of bride. Planning a wedding (a big one) is incredibly stressful and there ARE behind the scens stuff that a bride can't always control, such as bridesmaid and family drama, arguments over who is paying for what, ect.

 

I personally did not treat my wedding party or family like crap, I did get stressed out and snapped a few times. I think that's just the nature of trying to plan a big wedding. I'm not excusing it or saying that it's alright.

 

You are comletely entitled to your own opinion, if weddings aren't your thing OP then more power to you. But maybe you can understand a little more WHY it happens (wedding drama) and not look down on those who do plan big weddings. You don't have to agree, but I would encourage you to at LEAST respect it.

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sadintexas

Some women are totally bridezillas IRL. I know a perfect example. Although the man lost his job shortly after the wedding planning started (and she doesn't work), she wanted ALL of this and that and spewed crap for a year about how perfect her wedding was going to be. I'm talking the horse drawn carriage and the whole nine yards. Threw a tantrum about how he now couldn't afford to give her the wedding she wanted (mind you this was both of their second weddings and he was only marrying her because he got her pregnant like a month after they started dating).

 

In the end, she had TWO wedding dresses that he bought her because after they got the first one home, it just wasn't "right". The wedding was terrible. She sent out the invitations asking for money on them. A lot of people didn't even come because they were offended. They didn't provide any food to the guests...nothing. They had champagne at the wedding party table and the guests had nothing to even toast with. They couldn't afford food, but they could afford a photographer and DJ so she could have her "first dance".

 

A year later, she still rotates her FB pictures of all of HER wedding photos. Her favorite one is the one where she's sitting there in her dress with all of this cash hanging out of her cleavage. It's just gross.

 

Can anyone say narcissistic b***h?

 

Oh, BTW, they almost lost their house right after the wedding and now they're in bankruptcy :o

Edited by sadintexas
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I'm a 28 year old female. I have never been married. I am in a long-term relationship and have many friends starting to get married. I have one friend that has asked me to speak at her wedding. She is very low-key, no bridesmaids or insane demands so I agreed. I always decline to be in a wedding party (excluding the one mentioned above) for personal reasons I won't get into and my friends have always respected it.

 

Question is. If it's about the relationship and embarking on the path that these two people will share - why do brides feel the need to get all upset over things like bridal showers, making sure the guests get them gifts comparable to what was spent on their dinner, parties, etc? It's disgusting. I even think a registry and going on an on about "this is MY day" is just childish and narcissistic.

 

I realized it's one's choice to have a wedding and this alone does not make one selfish but explain to me with a straight face how a bride can b*tch and moan about the stuff I listed above and really understand that the RELATIONSHIP is the more important thing worth celebrating.

 

Dude if u feel that way dont turn up n ruin her day.

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Star Gazer

For many brides (and grooms!), a wedding isn't just about the couple and their relationship, but the blending/joining of two families and groups of friends who have loved and supported them individually and as a couple. Such couples want the "party" to be just as special to their family and friends as it is for them. So like any other host, they want everything to be perfect.

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but I would encourage you to at LEAST respect it.

 

From what I mentioned in my OP it's clear that I do respect a large wedding. That's not really the issue.

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For many brides (and grooms!), a wedding isn't just about the couple and their relationship, but the blending/joining of two families and groups of friends who have loved and supported them individually and as a couple. Such couples want the "party" to be just as special to their family and friends as it is for them. So like any other host, they want everything to be perfect.

 

Yea but saying they want everything to be "perfect" is no excuse to start getting upset if people can't afford bridesmaid dresses and expensive registry gifts. Entitlement is not part of the wedding package IMO.

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For many brides (and grooms!), a wedding isn't just about the couple and their relationship, but the blending/joining of two families and groups of friends who have loved and supported them individually and as a couple. Such couples want the "party" to be just as special to their family and friends as it is for them. So like any other host, they want everything to be perfect.

 

I get that and I can respect it. I don't think of weddings that way, though, I think of them as being very very personal and ultimately between two people. I wanted mine to be very private and romantic, and would have preferred to elope--I only had the wedding to make my mother and stepdaughter happy.

 

Some women are totally bridezillas IRL. I know a perfect example. Although the man lost his job shortly after the wedding planning started (and she doesn't work), she wanted ALL of this and that and spewed crap for a year about how perfect her wedding was going to be. I'm talking the horse drawn carriage and the whole nine yards. Threw a tantrum about how he now couldn't afford to give her the wedding she wanted (mind you this was both of their second weddings and he was only marrying her because he got her pregnant like a month after they started dating).

 

In the end, she had TWO wedding dresses that he bought her because after they got the first one home, it just wasn't "right". The wedding was terrible. She sent out the invitations asking for money on them. A lot of people didn't even come because they were offended. They didn't provide any food to the guests...nothing. They had champagne at the wedding party table and the guests had nothing to even toast with. They couldn't afford food, but they could afford a photographer and DJ so she could have her "first dance".

 

A year later, she still rotates her FB pictures of all of HER wedding photos. Her favorite one is the one where she's sitting there in her dress with all of this cash hanging out of her cleavage. It's just gross.

 

Can anyone say narcissistic b***h?

 

Oh, BTW, they almost lost their house right after the wedding and now they're in bankruptcy :o

 

WOW.

 

I'm glad I don't know anybody like that in real life, that's ridiculous.

That bride lost her mind and clearly needs some kind of rabies shot. But also--what kind of man, who is supposedly being motivated to "do what's right" for his baby on the way, spends all his money on a crazy woman's fantasy to the point that he almost loses his house and has to file for bankruptcy? Their whole dynamic seems weird.

 

Wait - WHAT? It bothered people? Why? Did it make them uncomfortable when they realized how selfish it made them look to have registered for $500 sterling silver bowls and $800 china plates at their wedding?

 

Ha. I don't think anybody who was privy to my wedding details was the kind of person who registered for many $800 plates, so I'm pretty sure that wasn't the motivation. No, it was just that they felt it was traditional to buy a gift, or they resented being "told" what to do with their money (even though a registry does that very thing, doesn't it? Plus I specifically did not say anybody HAD to donate to charity, just that we would think it was a nice gesture if they had been intending to buy a gift). One aunt said she felt deprived of a chance to give us something to remember the day, and made me feel kind of bad about it. <Shrug> Her heart was in the right place, though. The moral of this story is simply that people will criticize you for registering for gifts, for not registering for gifts, for asking them not to buy gifts, for asking for overly expensive gifts, for asking for cash gifts, for asking for donations to charity--there is simply no pleasing everybody. I think some people just embrace that and go for broke, while others are genuinely tacky and selfish. Still others are spending such huge amounts of money on the wedding in order to live up to other's expectations and pressures, their resentment seeps out on the gift registry, IMO.

 

For us, we kept our wedding small and affordable and fun, we were adults in our 30s who had children and had been living together for a few years years and owned multiple properties together--registering for new luxury houseware at other people's expense felt silly and greedy. What we could have used was everybody chipping in for a nanny to take with us on our honeymoon, but there's no registry for that as far as I'm aware :laugh:.

 

For the record, I remember my wedding perfectly well without getting an extra blender out of the deal, and everybody got over it and some literacy programs and wildlife funds got a little extra dough that year. :D And everybody who was there that day DID help preserve my memories since they all ran around with disposable cameras taking pictures.

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TO be honest- The nuptials is the starting of the marital relations so it has its place in sharing or being of entitled demeanors, Mostly that of graciousness is welcomed by many.

 

My son married last summer, his bride ever the lovely lady. Til the day of the wedding she maintained civility and was demure with her character. Sadly and oddly its was my sons' best man that went on a bender and couldnt deal with losing his best friend to marital ways. Reckon guys can go thru separation anxiety in friendships too? Long story short a week before the wedding his best man bagged on him, it broke his heart as they were like brothers....

....Anyways

 

On the day of the wedding, she again exhibited kindness and regard for all. I must say My son has good taste in his mate . The one silly thing (in my book) was that NO one was allowed to wear purple, she has a great aversion for that color . SO if that was her biggest request then we did well in granting her that.

 

A marriage can last but the wedding day is a once in a life if the vows are genuine....

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sadintexas
WOW.

 

I'm glad I don't know anybody like that in real life, that's ridiculous.

That bride lost her mind and clearly needs some kind of rabies shot. But also--what kind of man, who is supposedly being motivated to "do what's right" for his baby on the way, spends all his money on a crazy woman's fantasy to the point that he almost loses his house and has to file for bankruptcy? Their whole dynamic seems weird.

 

Yeah lol. She is certainly a piece of work. Sad to say she's family now :mad:

 

My H says she must have a picture of him effing a goat :lmao: I say he's the typical conflict avoider and we know where that'll end up.

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Yea - Stung is my kind of girl :love:

 

Aw. :o

 

My H says she must have a picture of him effing a goat :lmao: .

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

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mathewjackson

The wedding day is only part of the term wedding as a whole. Wedding as it will be referred to in this article includes the preparations for, and the activities following the big day including the honeymoon.

So, you got engaged and are looking forward with anticipation, to your dream wedding but do not know where to start and what to do. You are not alone! This article is dedicated to the many engaged couples facing this dilemma and those who want to be focused.

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