fiance and gay porn

[Caffeine Addict]

I need some serious advice. A couple months ago I was on my fiance's computer and I went to the internet history to find a wedding site that I'd visited. Well, I found a lot more than the wedding site! I found dozens of gay porn sites! My curiousity got the better of me so I checked the previous day's history, then the day before that, etc. Each day he had visited gay porn sites soon after I left for class. If that wasn't bad enough, on two separate mornings, I woke up before the alarm and found him masturbating while looking at these sites. I was so shocked I just pretended to be asleep until the alarm went off. He quickly closed down the sites and started to play solitaire--- like nothing was amiss!!!

 

Now, here I am with my parents and his pressuring me to start planning the wedding I'm not so sure I want to go through with. But, I couldn't tell them why I'm putting it off! I can't talk to anyone about this. I feel alienated from everyone because this situation is perpetually at the forefront of my mind. I feel depressed and anxious. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. I don't enjoy activities that I used to enjoy. Meanwhile, HE is just going on with his daily life.

 

I'm extremely passive by nature, so confrontation is not my forte. Usually, I just let small things slide off my back and go on without a second thought....but this is NO small thing! I don't even know how to confront him about it. I don't know what to do....

[Tony T]

You are absolutely right. This is no small thing. If you ever expect to be in any kind of successful relationship, you'll have to learn how to address these types of issues.

 

Now, in this particular case this is what I would do:

 

Set a time when the two of you can talk. At that time, tell your guy you were using the Internet and went to Internet history so you could find a site you had visited the day before. Tell him that while you were there you noticed numerous gay porn sites and visited to see the content. Tell him you further investigated and found that there had been a lot of access to those types of sites in the days previous.

 

Let him know that the times of those visits were at times when you were not at home...right after you left, etc. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you inform him that you observed him masturbating to these pictures...at least not right away...not during your first talk with him. It will be embarassing enough that you discovered his long history of viewing gay porn without getting into that matter. Just leave it for another time or circumstance.

 

Knowing all that you know, weigh his response. You already know that he uses these sites for maturbation purposes...keep that in the back of your mind. If he gives you a line of bull shxt, tell him you don't want to discuss it any further right now...you'll pick it up later. That will frighten him into wondering just how much you know.

 

Now, for your information, masturbating to pictures of men is not necessarily an indication that someone is other than heterosexual. However, it isn't normal either. There are so many variations of ways that both men and women can get their sexual jollies.

 

In my opinion, if he lies to you or gives you some kind of line of BS, you will have to explain to him that it's safe for him to discuss things with you. Let him know that you want to work everything out but you need to know details of why these sites are in the browser history and why he's been viewing them.

 

Disclosing that you observed him masturbating to these photos on the Internet could sufficiently embarass him to the point he could no longer handle the relationship. However, it seems that this is bothering you sufficiently that you may not be able to tolerate the relationship any longer yourself unless this is resolved.

 

So, the only compromise if for him to promise to quit viewing these sites entirely. He may or may not keep his word. He may find out how to erase the history...or if he's addicted to this behavior it may be more important to him from that standpoint than a relationship with you...in which case you don't need him in your life.

 

I know you don't like confrontation but you have no choice here. Just be very discrete and sensitive because this will be a very touchy matter to approach your boyfriend with.

 

If I were in your shoes, I don't think I could tolerate being around the person any longer...or, at least, I would want them to seek out immediate professional psychological counselling for help in ending the practice.

 

Just because he's in a relationship with you doesn't mean he has to give up all his privacy. But for him to pull this stuff when you could easily view him is insane. It could even be possible that subconsciously he wanted you to see him...or discover the sites. We may never know.

 

Don't stay with this guy because you're used to him or you have no other place to go. If you are too sickened by what you observed to participate in the relationship any longer and you can't work it out with him by communicating and getting him help...just get out of it now while you can.

 

Without medical and/or psychological intervention, it's not likely he will stop this practice until his peter rots off.

[HokeyReligions]

[color=red]FLAG! FLAG! FLAG![/color]

 

This is creepy. You don't have to be angry confrontational, but you do need to address this problem right away. Marriage should be out of the question until this is resolved to your complete and total satisfaction. Be prepared for that to mean breaking up, but honestly-- that breaking up pain will be nothing compared to the pain of marrying someone who would disrespect you and humiliate you like this.

 

Don't worry about what to tell the parents. Tell yours that you realized that you just didn't love him enough, or was confident in his love for you, and that you didn't believe you could be happy for the rest of your lives together. If they press you for details just be honest and tell them you don't want to discuss it. If his family/friends ask you - tell them to talk to him.

 

Hopefully there is a VERY good explanation for this behavior and you can move forward together.

[Bill]

Tony said:

Now, for your information, masturbating to pictures of men is not necessarily an indication that someone is other than heterosexual.

 

That statement is false. The guy is obviously attracted to men... otherwise he would have went to a porn site with women. The whole situation with him jacking off in front of the computer to this gay porn is quite scary. Ick. You really need to end this now before you get married and regret it later.

 

heterosexual

 

adj : sexually attracted to members of the opposite sex [ant: homosexual, bisexual] n : a heterosexual person; someone having a sexual orientation to persons of the opposite sex [syn: heterosexual person, straight person, straight]

Source: WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton University

[Tony T]

OK, Bill....prove my statement is false.

[Dragonflys]

This sounds pretty shocking. You need to think really hard about whether you wish to marry a person who has this type of fetish.

 

While I can't condone this behaviour in any way, if you break it down it could be just a fetish. You will have to decide whether you can accept and deal with this based on your moral inclinations.

 

It's obvious you have to get this out in the open..no doubt. Let him explain to you why he looks at these sites and does what he does. Then, based on how he treats you and how willing he is to moderate his behaviour you can decide whether you still want to marry him. This seems like very secreetive behaviour, and it will be up to him to get it out in the open and explain himself.

 

Oliver

[Bill]

Tony said

Now, for your information, masturbating to pictures of men is not necessarily an indication that someone is other than heterosexual.

 

That is exactly what it means! If a guy does that, he is either gay or bisexual!

[Tony T]

I have asked you to prove your statement and you have not. If you don't have the academic or research credentials to do so, find somebody who can help you out. Meantime, you have offered no proof whatsoever.

 

The fact is that certain heterosexual men can masturbate to the pictures of erect males and project themselves as those males in situations with women. This sort of projection may seem to work well for men who are not well endowed. You can look up the meaning of projection as it relates to psychological concepts in any psychology book or by using a good search engine. I need not go into details because there is not purpose to be served.

 

But when I was in college, if I made a statement and couldn't prove it...such as you did...that was an automatic "F" for the course.

[Caffeine Addict]

Thank you guys for all of your opinions. I'm going to weigh my options carefully and try to figure out a way to confront him. Just how?!?!?

 

I'm such a wuss. I'm the kind of person who goes through all the possibilities before I even act. Even as I write, my brain is going full speed with what I might say and how he might reply. I'm just driving myself insane. I need to just do it--just start the conversation and see what happens. Maybe I'll do it tonight. I just need some courage. How about a cheering section?

 

Once again, thank you all for your comments and suggestions. Tony, yours have been the most valuable. I never considered that it could just be a fetish. I feel so much better actually conversing with people about this (well, kind of anyways) even if you are complete strangers! ha...

[Just A Girl2]

Of course every situation can be different, but thought I'd share with you what I discovered about one of my past exes.

 

Early in our relationship, he very matter-of-factly admitted to me that he'd been sexually molested by a female babysitter when he was about 11 yrs old (she was a few years older).

 

Later he admitted that he'd *also* been molested by a male babysitter who was also a few years older. He claimed it had gone on for nearly 3 years. Color me stupid, but when he told me this, I got a weird vibe from him. We discussed it more and he went on to admit that he *enjoyed* having sex with this slightly older male babysitter...which is why he didn't refuse, said this guy never "forced anything on him" and why he never told anyone about it. In short, he said he basically enjoyed it. Being that I've thankfully never been sexually molested as a child, I didn't judge him, tried not to put too much stock in the fact that he seemed to very freely admit that he enjoyed the latter 3 yr encounter.

 

During our relationship, on one occasion, I found a Playgirl mag in his closet. He said it was his ex g/f's, okay..that seemed believable. As things in our relationship begin to deteriorate for other reasons (he was a controlling, verbally abusive closet alcoholic), I begin to notice other things. For instance, whenever Ricky Martin was shown on TV, he would make comments about how "hot" he was. He wasn't be snide about it either. He seemed a little more fixated on him that you'd expect a guy to be.

 

Our sex life up to that point was becoming very strange, too......he had all these "rules" about sex (when we would have it, when we wouldn't, that I HAD to shower with him each morning and give him a handjob and if I didn't, he'd pout for the rest of the day, there was no spontaneity in our sex life at all, he didn't like me initiating sex (something most guys love) and he soon mentioned that intercourse didn't really matter to him, he cared more about getting a handjob or blowjob, etc).

 

Not that THIS means anything necessarily, but he was very vocal in expressing his deep desire for anal play/sex (which I just couldn't get into, it really grossed me out).

 

At some point there, I did find gay porn URL's in his temporary internet files/history. Not just one or two, but more. There were also tons of them in there, I found out, from before I started dating him (this I found out way after the fact).

 

I ended up leaving him for various reasons, and to make a long story short, I found out that he'd signed up at one of those Adult Friend Finder sites, he'd placed a personal ad there (the site is strictly for people looking to have all kinds of sexual relationships with others), and admitted to being interested in having a "same sex sexual encounter"........ In addition, he did actually contact a couple bisexual men (they had girlfriends and were into MMF threesomes) to see about setting something up. Now whether he ever went through with it, I'm not sure, but there were all the indications that he was actively looking to hook up with someone, bottom line.

 

I'm sure his pre-teen sexual experiences (with the male babysitter) had something to do with his being so 'screwed up'....in fact, although I'm not psychologist/psychiatrist, I'm guessing that he ended up being bisexual/bicurious because of what to him were positive sexual experiences with the male babysitter.

 

Any possibility your fiance had a similar childhood/teenage experience? (guess you'd only know if he'd told you and I'm betting that a lot of men wouldn't divulge such info?)

 

HOW is your relationship? Noticing any things changing? Him being more distant?

 

How is your sex life/intimacy? Any changes there?

 

So are you saying that the computer is IN your bedroom and you'd woken up to see him wacking off to this gay porn while you were there in the same room/in bed??

 

If he was 'just looking' a few times, it could be out of mere morbid curiosity..but if you know for a fact that he's getting off to it, I think that might be another can of worms.

 

However, many straight women view and are aroused by lesbian porn, though they'd NEVER even consider any kind of "real life" encounter with another woman.....

 

As much as confrontation isn't your forte, as you know, you really really have to discuss this ASAP. You've received good suggestions here on how to go about it and what to bring up. What's curious, too, is the fact that he's not tried to 'cover his tracks'.......surely he'd have thought to himself, just how easy it would have been for you to notice these sites he's been to..........and the fact that he was wacking off to this stuff while you were in the same room (albeit he figured you were sleeping)........hate to say this but it COULD be that this is his way of "coming out of the closet" (in terms of being bisexual/gay)............??

[Bill]

...Tony...

 

You seem to miss the point here. He went to gay guy sites. There's most likely no women in the sites.

[MandiDoll]

You know I hate to disagree with you.. hell, never mind, I LIVE to disagree with you Tony's right.. I could offer excerpts from my Human Sexuality textbook to prove it, but I feel Tony has explained himself quite well. Your definition needs a little tweeking, sweetie, ok? Hell, I'll even ask my professor.. after he gets out of the hospital.. and I'll get back to you guys, ok? He's been a practicing sex therapist for decades. And anyone who's in college.. I recommend you take this course.. most interesting..

 

Peace out

 

Amanda

[Bill]

And I disagree with all of you. Your posts are more of a drawn out opinion. In addition, neither of us can prove either way. I guess a lot choose their path on what they have learned, and what is deemed acceptable. I choose my path not from what socieity wants, but what I want.

[Reckless]

I don't think that caffeine's problem is what to 'label' her boyfriend but find out how his actions and tendencies will affect her and their relationship. Maybe in the end, marrying someone addicted to porn, a bisexual, a homosexual in denial ... whatever, maybe this won't be a problem for her, but she needs to know.

 

I think it's right to say that sexuality cannot be easily defined, that 'straight' men can find images of homosexual men arousing, most straight men could probably close their eyes and enjoy a number of sensations and for every one that would find the idea of sleeping with a man grotesque, there's probably one that could get it on if push came to shove (forgive the pun). I'm not a man so I don't know, but it's quite common for women to have lesbian fantacies and not be bisexual so I reckon it's the same for men. That having been said, I think you cannot rule out the possibility that he is bisexual. Whatever the case Caffeine you still have a serious problem, masturbating in the same room while your g/friend is there 'sleeping' sounds to me like in a twisted way he wanted to be 'outed', maybe he's unhappy, clearly you are disturbed by the possibility that he might find men sexually attractive. Anyway, you won't know until you talk about it. Don't get hysterical, but there are warning lights flashing, gather your courage and speak up.

 

Good luck,

R.

[Caffeine Addict]

Hey y'all-

 

I guess I did neglect to mention that there were "straight" porn sites on the internet history as well as the gay sites. Some days, whenever I check out the history there are only straight sites and some days there are both straight and gay sites.

 

here's the abbreviated background of our relationship:

I'll just refer to my fiance by "Sam". we've known each other for years. and a couple of years ago, I really had it bad for him, but he started dating this other girl, so I moved on. We remained friends however. Then about two years ago I was in a BAD relationship and he was helping me get through it. "Sam's" was the ear that I bent on many nights when my then-boyfriend was giving me trouble. (the ex was an alcoholic in denial) One night, when "Sam" was helping me figure out how to break up with this guy, he pretty much told me that he wanted to date me. Since I still had residual feelings for him, as soon as I broke up with the alcoholic, I started to date "Sam."

 

Our relationship moved pretty quickly. We almost immediately started spending every night at either my or his apartment. Though I must admit that when he first told me he loved me, I didn't respond in kind. I was scared. But less than a month later, I realized without a doubt that I was in love with this man.

 

Our sex life has been pretty good, though I don't think that his libido is as high as mine. I'd be content to have sex every night. However, with our schedules, it's probably best that we don't. I have to get up really early in the morning. Lately, he's been working long shifts and when he comes home, he goes straight to bed. It doesn't bother me though because if I had just come home from a 14-hour shift of standing on my feet, sex would be the furthest thing from my mind too.

 

He's always been a great guy. He's very dependable and very caring. Up until the day I found those sites, I was in heaven. We don't fight about small things. In fact, we hardly fight at all. He's converting to my religion so that we can raise our children together in church. That has always been important to me. He told me that he is converting "for himself, but because of me."

 

We've been inseparable since we started dating. My parents absolutely adore him and they worry when I'm not with him. They trust that when I'm with him I'm safe and cared for.

 

I don't know if any of this will help or not. Maybe it'll sway some opinions. I know I must talk to him and get this out in the open. I'm well aware of that fact. I just need to rustle up the courage and writing to you all and reading your responses is giving me more and more gumptions to start the conversation. Thanks!

 

again, thanks to all who have replied. I think I need another cup of coffee....