Jitters or genuine thoughts?

[abd]

I apologize if this thread belongs somewhere else, I am new here. I also suspect that my situation will have familiar elements, but I suppose that's nothing new to the old hands

 

My current situation: I am in a stable, long-term relationship with a strong, beautiful woman. After about a year and a half of dating, we moved in together. Now things have progressed to the point where I am thinking about an engagement, so I have spent a lot of time lately looking at rings, etc. I think that doing so is starting to wear on me.

 

It's been kind of an emotional process, I guess? It has me thinking a lot about my past. I was in love with a friend from high school for a long time - pretty much throughout college, and in spite of having a three year relationship with another woman. At one point, this friend from high school and I dated. It was only lasted about a month and half (it ended because I did something hurtful, then lived outside the country for while), but it was, in my estimation, probably the happiest time of my life. I really think that if I hadn't screwed things up, this friend and I might have had a future together.

 

I contacted her about two years ago, and it didn't go well. We talked on the phone I think, but then didn't speak for about a year. So, after a year, and after I had met and begun dating my current partner, I unexpectedly received an e-mail from my friend from high school. It went something like this (I've redacted and changed some bits for anonymity):

 

Dear X,

 

The heart of this letter, and all I really wish for you to know, is that I am deeply sorry for the hurt and confusion I have caused you in the past, I forgive you for the hurt that you have caused me, and I wish you the very best in everything. You don't have to read more, or respond if you don’t want to. Sometimes it’s better to leave things alone. I’m bad at knowing when I should and when I shouldn’t, and I'm sorry if this letter and these sentiments are unwelcome.

 

A year ago when you wrote to me I was very surprised, moved, and in the end offended. It was mostly the timing of your letter that hurt and my confusion over your intentions, although I don’t think you intended to hurt me at all. I don’t think you ever wanted to hurt me, really, at any point in the time that I have known you. I have never wanted to hurt you either, though I know I have failed. My impatience, combined with my “all or nothing” nature put you in some extremely difficult situations. Some of the choices you made in those situations cut me hard, but I know my actions cut you, too. Even if you never tell me, please forgive me.

 

I forgive you, too. Last year you said you wanted to be friends with me again. I didn’t think it was possible. It even insulted me. I still don’t think it’s possible, at least not in the sense of being consistently in touch, though now I wish it was. My thoughts, feelings, and our history is complex. Life has moved on for us both, and it does not seem to make sense for us to work all of that out. Nevertheless, after all of the hurt I caused you, thank you for having been willing to come close to me again. I hope that you remember me as a good thing. I smile when I remember you.

 

Love,

 

Y

I felt pretty sick after reading this for the first time, and didn't know what to do. I didn't immediately reply (and in fact haven't replied via e-mail), but since then we have exchanged a couple instant messages that have been cordial, even friendly. But yeah, the e-mail still makes me feel ill. It makes me want to go and find her and tell her, no, we can work it out. I loved you, and I was happiest during the time I was with you.

 

To raise the stakes, our high school class has a reunion coming up. I actually don't know if she will be there. I don't think I am going to go in any case; it's far, expensive, and I don't care for many of the people who probably will be there. But just the thought of seeing her there kind of terrifies but intrigues me. I saved all my correspondence with this high school friend, and as I'm looking back, I have over seven years of it. (Of course the last two years have been sparse). Another challenge is that I haven't had an extended, face-to-face interaction with her in several years.

 

So what am I asking? Things are serious with my current partner. She really is wonderful, and supportive of me. I care for her, but there doesn't seem to be much passion in our relationship. In fact, I feel like I haven't been a very passionate person for the past few years, and I'm not sure why. But I think she senses things, because she's asked me several times if I want to marry just because it's practical and we'd get along well, or because I really love her.

 

And in the meantime, I keep checking to see if I can hear anything about my friend from high school. Pretty much every day since she wrote me that e-mail, I've thought about her, thought about the brief time we spent together, and thought "what if." What if what? I don't even know if we are living in the same state anymore.

 

Are these just jitters I'm experiencing because picking out a ring is making the idea of marriage real to me? My parents also don't much care for my current partner, I think mainly because she is too outspoken for them. Maybe that's contributing to my reluctance and fears?

[GorillaTheater]

Don't propose to your girlfriend, not because there's a chance of working things out with your ex (I didn't pick up any signals of "receptiveness" in her letter) but because your heart is elsewhere. It wouldn't be fair to your would-be fiance and wouldn't bode too well for your future together.

 

It's possible that this IS momentary confusion on your part; planning marriage is a big deal and it can be pretty stressful. But sort your feelings out thoroughly before making any further moves.

[MSUE]

hold on on that ring...your heart is clearly somewhere else like GT said...yea its common to think of the what ifs here and there but it seems like if this girl said to you here I am you'd drop anything and go for her no second toughts...you seem to still be in love with her...and it wouldn't be fair to your SO to be tied in a marriage when your heart and your head are somewhere else

[2sure]

Look, it isnt unusual and in fact is to be expected to at some point in your life look back on your youth and your past relationships as "the happiest days of your life." Like it or not this happens often after being married for 10 years or more, kids, mortgages, etc. Sadly, these feelings when not recognized for what they are often lead to affairs, confusion, heartbreak, and divorce and usually do not end up with someone reconnecting with their "soulmate".

 

But you arent even married yet and are still young.

 

DO NOT insult your current relationship by getting engaged.

[seoa]

quote from one of the Steven Carter books ("Getting to Commitment"):

 

>> The only perfect partner is the one who got away, the one who doesn’t want you, or the one who married someone else.

>> Partners are only perfect in our fantasies.

>> If someone is sitting in a room with you long enough, trying to make a real connection, his or her less than perfectness will automatically appear.

>> As will yours.

>> You can go through life chasing the unavailables and convincing yourself that if these people were to love you, it would all be the stuff of fantasies…

 

It's not unusual to have your best memories from your earlier years - life is much simpler, much more black & white, you don't know what you know now - so it's easier to be happy...

 

Your old school friend doesn't want you back, the letter didn't say that at all...

 

Work through your issues with dealing with reality (why do you prefer the fantasy of some old relationship to the living breathing woman in front of you?), and don't propose to your current woman until you're sure you want her - it's not fair on her, otherwise...

[Sam Spade]

quote from one of the Steven Carter books ("Getting to Commitment"):

 

>> The only perfect partner is the one who got away, the one who doesn’t want you, or the one who married someone else.

>> Partners are only perfect in our fantasies.

>> If someone is sitting in a room with you long enough, trying to make a real connection, his or her less than perfectness will automatically appear.

>> As will yours.

>> You can go through life chasing the unavailables and convincing yourself that if these people were to love you, it would all be the stuff of fantasies…

 

It's not unusual to have your best memories from your earlier years - life is much simpler, much more black & white, you don't know what you know now - so it's easier to be happy...

 

Your old school friend doesn't want you back, the letter didn't say that at all...

 

Work through your issues with dealing with reality (why do you prefer the fantasy of some old relationship to the living breathing woman in front of you?), and don't propose to your current woman until you're sure you want her - it's not fair on her, otherwise...

 

 

I'l go against the prevailing opinion here and say "jitters" rather than genuine thoughts. Not having any doubts at all prior to engagement is borderline psychotic, IMO, so as far as I'm concerned, you're just being a normal guy.

That said, you do need to completely clear your head and clear your mind from fantasises about what could have been. You have a good girl in your life, instead of doing something stoopid that you might most likely regret, why not man up, appreciate her, commit to her and make her happy? BUt you definitely can't go in being distracted by, in all likelihood, pointless fantasies...

[Ronni_W]

I am in a stable, long-term relationship with a strong, beautiful woman.

Is it a loving, honest, respectful, supportive, encouraging, uplifting relationship? Is there mutual admiration? Do you have a good balance of shared and individual interests? Get along well with the future in-laws on both sides? Do you communicate well with each other, verbally and non-verbally?

 

Do you guys have great sex?

 

What's missing in your current "stable" relationship, that has you needing some outside excitement? I would strongly recommend to not ignore what you already know about your own needs, desires, goals and passions. And I suspect you already know if yours are "just jitters" or something more serious.

 

Follow your own intuition and heart on this one. PLEASE.

[The Collector]

It's easy to see past relationships through rose-tinted specs... and sometimes they actually were great. But in this instance it's moot, as her email makes it clear she has no interest in rekindling it, or even being friends. She just wants to be on good terms and to know there isn't someone out there that hates her.

 

As for getting married, almost no one is 100% ideal. If you rate your intended as above 80% compatible I'd say go for it and put this past lover in the fondly-remembered box. Or tell her your true feelings, take the likely rejection, and move on.

[shunter]

Sounds like you have a good relationship right now. If you want to get MARRIED, then this is probably a good person to do it with. If you are in a position and desire to get married, then do it. Forget about the past. That's done. That letter sounds kind of crazy to me too. Way too emotional and strange. Sounds like a relationship that will need a lot of work to get started again and to keep it running. Your not that young anymore; you have better things to do like live and enjoy life.

 

So the bottom line is your current partner sounds like a great match if you are ready to settle down. So do it !!!!!!!

[abd]

Thanks for all the replies. I wanted to respond to some of the things that have been posted.

 

Is it a loving, honest, respectful, supportive, encouraging, uplifting relationship? Is there mutual admiration?

I think on these counts we are pretty good. We both support each other in difficult times, and we both respect the work the others does... in terms of domestic stuff, I think we do a good job of sharing the burdens equally. I could probably work on "honesty" since I don't really share my feelings that well.

Do you have a good balance of shared and individual interests? Get along well with the future in-laws on both sides? Do you communicate well with each other, verbally and non-verbally? Do you guys have great sex?

On these counts we are not as strong. I am pretty work-oriented; she's a lot more social than I am. Her family likes me; my parents, not so much (though they have never really liked anyone I have been in a relationship with). Communication can suffer because I don't talk about my feelings so much, and because I feel like she is super-sensitive whenever I do try to talk about something difficult. Sex is pretty average, infrequent, and she's said she doesn't really like sex in general. (Yes, that makes me uneasy)

What's missing in your current "stable" relationship, that has you needing some outside excitement? I would strongly recommend to not ignore what you already know about your own needs, desires, goals and passions.

I feel like I used to be a more passionate and romantic person, in general. I haven't really felt like that for the past three years, and that didn't change when I met my current SO.

I went to a friend's wedding last weekend, and I felt very uncomfortable. My SO talks about our wedding as if it's a forgone conclusion... "When we get married, do you want to X" etc. I hear comments about an engagement ring almost every day. But when I looked at my friend and his new wife, I felt like the interaction I was witnessing between them was foreign to me.

As for getting married, almost no one is 100% ideal. If you rate your intended as above 80% compatible I'd say go for it

Sounds like you have a good relationship right now. If you want to get MARRIED, then this is probably a good person to do it with. If you are in a position and desire to get married, then do it.

I don't believe in "soul mates" or that there is some 100% ideal match out there that I might find. But I also don't want to get married just because I'm with someone who is "good enough."