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How much do parents get to control the wedding?


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Star Gazer

Particularly when they're paying for the entire event? This is simply out of curiosity, as my BF's brother recently got engaged, and I'm fascinated watching the wedding planning take place literally days after the engagement.

 

The big bone of contention is extended-extended family, children of the extended family, and the parents' not-so-close friends. Inviting those individuals makes for a gigantic wedding (200+), and they'd like to keep it smaller (under 120). One set of parents is paying for the entire thing, but it's the other set of parents who are trying to add tons of people to the guest list.

 

What say you?

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I say don't tease me like that! I nearly jumped out of my seat when I saw you posting that topic in the getting married section.

 

I guess that for now I'll just have to be for your boyfriend's brother.

 

And no, I don't have any input on parental involvement. I think the bottomline is that the couple getting married have to learn to make firm decisions about what they want. That way, they can always assert, when conflict arises, that the reason the guest list is limited to 150 is because they always envisioned a mid-size wedding, filled with their friends and family. (if that is what they want).

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Trialbyfire

It's up to the couple, how much control they want to give the parents.

 

IMO, the parents that pay more, should have say in the numbers, albeit the division of numbers should be 50/50, unless otherwise agreed upon.

 

It's traditional that the bride's family pay for the reception and the groom's family pay for the alcohol (open bar) and rehearsal dinner.

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Star Gazer
I say don't tease me like that! I nearly jumped out of my seat when I saw you posting that topic in the getting married section.

 

Ahahaha! Sorry! :lmao: Funny though, BF's brother's engagement and wedding planning have led to some interesting conversations about how "we" (in the hypothetical sense, of course ;) ) would do it.

 

I also found it funny that BF's brother's fiance started planning the wedding within 1 hour of getting the ring. Is THAT normal?

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Lauriebell82
ahahaha! Sorry! :lmao: Funny though, bf's brother's engagement and wedding planning have led to some interesting conversations about how "we" (in the hypothetical sense, of course ;) ) would do it.

 

I also found it funny that bf's brother's fiance started planning the wedding within 1 hour of getting the ring. Is that normal?

 

yes!!!!! ;)

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Lauriebell82
Particularly when they're paying for the entire event? This is simply out of curiosity, as my BF's brother recently got engaged, and I'm fascinated watching the wedding planning take place literally days after the engagement.

 

The big bone of contention is extended-extended family, children of the extended family, and the parents' not-so-close friends. Inviting those individuals makes for a gigantic wedding (200+), and they'd like to keep it smaller (under 120). One set of parents is paying for the entire thing, but it's the other set of parents who are trying to add tons of people to the guest list.

 

What say you?

 

My parents are very involved in our wedding, however they are the ones paying for it. We are not inviting children to our wedding as it is a very formal place and not inviting extended-extended family. It's tricky when you try to invite some family and not others. So that's something to be careful about. You have to also remember that something like 10-15% usually don't show up for the wedding so the numbers usually aren't as high as you'd think.

 

Here is what I did: my fiance's family is SO MUCH LARGER then mine. So I spoke with his mom and she generated a guest list with family that would be close enough that we would invite. She also said that she planned on throwing a seperate reception in his hometown for the guests not invited to the wedding. My opinion is that you should speak with your future mother in law and explain the situation. If she is a nice person she will try to help you in any way that she can (like mine.)

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I see something weird happen a lot regarding this issue. Parents pay for the wedding and use money as a tool to control things. The way I was brought up, parents pay for the wedding as a loving gift not so that they can control things and have a say. I would always consider what the family wants but not because their money makes me obligated to do so.

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I also found it funny that BF's brother's fiance started planning the wedding within 1 hour of getting the ring. Is THAT normal?

 

Are you kidding? She's been planning it since she was invited to her first holiday with his family. It's only now that she's talking to everybody about it. I'll bet she already knows what she's going to register for and where.

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Star Gazer
Are you kidding? She's been planning it since she was invited to her first holiday with his family. It's only now that she's talking to everybody about it. I'll bet she already knows what she's going to register for and where.

 

Yeah, I just looked. Can you believe they already have a "wedding website" through theweddingchannel.com!? I mean, doesn't that just show that she's more invested in the wedding, than the marriage? Or is it just me?

 

I guess I always imagined that I'd take some time to let it soak in when it happens, not rush right out and plan, plan, plan!

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One set of parents is paying for the entire thing, but it's the other set of parents who are trying to add tons of people to the guest list.

 

What say you?

the set of parents who are paying will have the last word, period.

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Yeah, I just looked. Can you believe they already have a "wedding website" through theweddingchannel.com!? I mean, doesn't that just show that she's more invested in the wedding, than the marriage? Or is it just me?

 

I guess I always imagined that I'd take some time to let it soak in when it happens, not rush right out and plan, plan, plan!

 

This is why cynics like me are so jaded about weddings and actually hate them. It's less about celebrating the couple's new life together, and ends up being so much more about the bride wanting the "perfect" party to show off her "perfect" dress and getting all the "perfect" stuff she wants for her "perfect" house.

 

It's not to say she doesn't love her fiancee and isn't invested in being married, but the "getting married" part does turn some women into bridezillas. And that's why I posted in LB's thread that forcing people to give up their long holiday weekend for a wedding is very annoying and people hate it. While we might be happy for the couple, weddings aren't the joyous and wonderful occasion they could be when it's ALL about what bridezilla wants and everyone else has to toe her line.

 

But, I had to buy bridal shower gifts today and was faced with someone who registered at three different places and each registry was over 5 pages long. Instead of choosing a gift to wish them well, all I could think was greedy, greedy, greedy. So, I'm posting from a place of high irritation with brides at the moment.

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Trialbyfire
I see something weird happen a lot regarding this issue. Parents pay for the wedding and use money as a tool to control things. The way I was brought up, parents pay for the wedding as a loving gift not so that they can control things and have a say. I would always consider what the family wants but not because their money makes me obligated to do so.
Yes and no. It's up to the couple, to allow their parents the amount of freedom to do whatever or to rein them in.

 

Neither one of us care much about the trappings/politics of our wedding and are leaving the details and arrangements to our Momzillas. But...we both have veto power and have exercised it enough times as a unified front, that they back off. What good is a wedding, without the bride and groom? ;)

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I think how much say the parents should have in the wedding arrangements should be something that should be discussed beforehand. The bride and groom should ask both sets of parents how much say they want in the wedding if they are going to pay for it. That way, the bride and groom can decide how much of their parents' money they want to accept. No assumptions should be made, because people often make different assumptions--ones that are in their best interest.

 

I don't think the bride is being greedy. She is excited. This is probably a day she has been dreaming of for most of her life--to fall in love and get married. As for the gift list, she is being practical, not greedy. It is common practice as well as being considerate to provide stores with wedding gift lists for the guests to purchase gifts from. I would think the guests would appreciate the fact that the bride gave more alternatives as to what they can buy, than less.

 

As for planning the wedding day in advance of the proposal, I have my wedding day all planned out, and I am not engaged. I took into consideration my boyfriend's and my likes when planning it out, asking him questions as to what he would like his wedding to be like. The only problem is that my boyfriend is too scared to get married. I'm thinking that if he is too scared, then we might have to elope and have the wedding party afterwards.

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CandyGirlXO

Wow I couldn't even imagine someone paying for a wedding for me.

 

I have never had anyone financially support me, unfortunately its the opposite... at 26 I have to support my mom. My dad is in rehab.

 

It caused problems with my ex because he knew if we ever got married they couldn't pay, which I guess is tradition. Stupid tradition really.

 

Thats just not my life. If it were, hell they can do whatever they want. The only thing I would ask is that I pick my own dress.

 

I could only dream....

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I also found it funny that BF's brother's fiance started planning the wedding within 1 hour of getting the ring. Is THAT normal?

 

YES!

 

Although in our case it was only to set a date that our very close friends (my matron of honour) who live in a different country to us could make, as they came on holiday with us the day after WB proposed.

 

My parents paid for most of our wedding.

And we compromised quite a bit- they got to invite more friends than my Hs family, but we asked them to only invite the friends that know either me or my H. And we didn't invite extended- extended family, just a few cousins who are my friends as well as being cousins.

 

My main concern re: the guest list was also keeping numbers small enough so that WB and I would have a chance to say hello to all the guests. Believe me when you spend a couple of minutes saying hello, thank you for coming etc to every single guest (which I think is good manners) it sure eats up the time......

 

It is as stressful as you make it.

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Lauriebell82
Are you kidding? She's been planning it since she was invited to her first holiday with his family. It's only now that she's talking to everybody about it. I'll bet she already knows what she's going to register for and where.

 

HAHA, yeah that sounds familiar.

 

Oh, and Target, JC Penney, and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. ;)

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Lauriebell82
Yeah, I just looked. Can you believe they already have a "wedding website" through theweddingchannel.com!? I mean, doesn't that just show that she's more invested in the wedding, than the marriage? Or is it just me?

 

I guess I always imagined that I'd take some time to let it soak in when it happens, not rush right out and plan, plan, plan!

 

Hehe, I like theknot.com better. ;)

 

I don't think it is about that you are more invested in the wedding then the marriage, I'm certainly not. I love him and can't wait to marry him, wedding or not. A wedding is like an "added bonus" I guess you could say.

 

Believe me, when you get engaged you'll feel the "rush" to plan the wedding if you have been dreaming about it since you were 10. It's part of the excitement I think. And you almost have to if you want a certain date, reception sites book up so fast!!!!

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It always the family who pays for the least that invites the most people.

 

I think its a rule.

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Lauriebell82

Ugh, parents suck. Unfortunately this is what happens when you rely on parents to pay for a wedding. :(

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Ugh, parents suck. Unfortunately this is what happens when you rely on parents to pay for a wedding. :(

 

It doesn't HAVE to be stressful.

 

Good communication and a certain amount of compromise can mean its not too bad.

 

the most stressful part of my wedding was stuff that ended up being totally out of my control. And on the day, it was fine.

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Star Gazer
Ugh, parents suck. Unfortunately this is what happens when you rely on parents to pay for a wedding. :(

 

Admittedly, I do think about what would happen if I were to marry my BF.

 

My mother has NO money, so if we follow traditional rules, we're going to have to elope. :(

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Lauriebell82
It doesn't HAVE to be stressful.

 

Good communication and a certain amount of compromise can mean its not too bad.

 

the most stressful part of my wedding was stuff that ended up being totally out of my control. And on the day, it was fine.

 

Yeah, I'm trying to. My mom is hard to reason with. She's extremely pushy. She doesn't really "suggest" things or try to compromise it's more of "no, this is why you shouldn't do that for your wedding, you should do it this way." Then she says that it's up to my fiance and I about what we want to do.

 

I'm going to try to compromise with her though, but it's going to be a huge challenge.

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Ah, my MIL was like that. And she is being like that with my pregnancy/ our baby etc etc.

 

I just smile and nod, and then do what I wanted to do in the first place.

Path of least resistance and all that.

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Trialbyfire
Yeah, I'm trying to. My mom is hard to reason with. She's extremely pushy. She doesn't really "suggest" things or try to compromise it's more of "no, this is why you shouldn't do that for your wedding, you should do it this way." Then she says that it's up to my fiance and I about what we want to do.

 

I'm going to try to compromise with her though, but it's going to be a huge challenge.

So then you say, "Yes, so we're doing it [insert what you want], this way" with a smile. :)
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