Jenny Posted July 25, 2002 Share Posted July 25, 2002 I am getting married to my fiance in 2 months. We are moving in together right now. Last night I asked him to sign a prenuptial agreement. We are both 40 and I have been saving for retirement and I own my own house. I want to make sure that I protect my investments as I was married before and had to split it 50/50. He got upset and told me that if I did not trust him how could I marry him? I dont feel it is about trust, but about being safe. He does not have any assets, in fact he owes a great deal. He is bringing bills/loans/child support to our relationship to the tune of $50,000. Am I being bad in doing this. I feel very guilty and yet I don't want to get hurt again. I have saved a rather large chunk of money. Advice? How can I make this work. I was trying to put things on equal footing so we could start together fresh. I will help him pay off his bills, but I will always feel resentful if he is entitled to get half of my assests that he did not contribute to. I feel that by signing a prenup we will be on equal footing w/ neither person benefiting. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted July 25, 2002 Share Posted July 25, 2002 You are not only protecting yourself from losing your assets, but also GAINING his bad debts. Let him know that you have no plan of leaving him, and if you really thought it wasn't going to work, you would not be marrying him. But however, you didn't feel that way with the last marriage, and you just wanna be safe, that's it. If he doesn't understand, which he should, since part of his job is to protect you, then be glad you found this out about him now, instead of 2 months from now when it's almost 2 late. I wish to God I would have followed that advice, bc I have been divorced for nearly 2 years and he is STILL being an idiot about giving me my half of the joint property, and I am about to file a huge lawsuit on him...and that shouldn't be happening. The man I THOUGHT I was marrying, wasn't the same one I came home from the church with. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 25, 2002 Share Posted July 25, 2002 His unwillingness to sign a prenuptual agreement is, in my opinion, a danger sign. This shows immaturity and a hint that he may be wanting to take advantage of you. You are not wrong in asking for this. If you want to explore this further, see an attorney. In most community property states, a person is entitled to keep the worth of every asset he posesses on the day of the marriage. Thereafter, the only thing the spouse is entitled to is half the appreciation. In other words, if your house is worth $90,000 on the day you get married, you would keep that amount in the event of a future divorce...plus 1/2 of whatever amount it appreciated. Of course, if you wanted to remain in the house at that time you would be obligated to get an appraisal and buy your husband's half out. A prenuptual agreement supercedes the community property concept and would be to your advantage. At your ages, it is very practical to be discussing this in detail, particularly with your willingness to help him pay down his bills. Frankly, I don't think this is going to work. Even if he went along with everything, it's unlikely he's going to change and he'll probably become further mired in debt. You seem to be very practical with handling your money and one day you will grow very resentful of the way he handles his money. You should have thought about this a long time ago. Don't take my word for it...talk to the experts. Being incompatible in the handling of money is like marrying somebody whose language you don't speak. You're in for a long of pain, difficulty, and rough times. Link to post Share on other sites
BeReal Posted July 26, 2002 Share Posted July 26, 2002 I agree with many of the things Tony said. Get some legal counsel on this issue (maybe you all ready have). My sister is a lawyer and I know that rumors run rampant about these things. I once asked her about prenups and she said it wasn't really worth it unless you have significant assets. I don't know what "significant" assets are and I suppose that was just her opinion. Laws very by state, so I think it would be worth it to talk to someone in your area. They have free legal counsel opportunities in my area. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Posted July 26, 2002 Share Posted July 26, 2002 Marriage is about love. Divorce is about money. Protect yourself. Don't marry him unless he signs the prenup. Make it a tight one! Link to post Share on other sites
jimthzz Posted July 30, 2002 Share Posted July 30, 2002 Does he have any assets at all? Like a house, a car, cash? why are you moving in with him so soon if you are still talking about prenups? I wouldn't even move in with hoim or marry him if I were you. but if I were, as you are, I'd insist on the prenup before even moving in with him. Protect your assets, do not have a joint bank account either. File separate tax returns. Don't even get roped into paying off his debts. BTW, I think you ought to watch very carefully how subtly he finds a way for you to pay off his debts and expenses. Watch how he'll make you think it is your idea. What is it about him that you love enough to marry? Link to post Share on other sites
keri Posted July 30, 2002 Share Posted July 30, 2002 Run for your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Jenny Posted July 30, 2002 Share Posted July 30, 2002 It is very easy to get debt. He went to medical school, he bought a car and he has credit cards. No his only asset is his car. It is very normal. When you are in residency it does not pay that well despite what people think. They only make 35-40 K...and considering how big your loans are it is not worth it! I love him because he is a very amazing person. Yes, I will help him pay back his debt. In the end he did sign the Prenup. He thought it would change our relationship and that I did not trust him. How ever he in the end did sign it. No one is perfect and he treats me very well. This is his first year out of school. He is trying and I don't hold it against him. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted July 30, 2002 Share Posted July 30, 2002 I'm so glad it worked out, Jenny! I wish you the best of happiness and luck! Thanks for updating us! Link to post Share on other sites
jimthzz Posted July 30, 2002 Share Posted July 30, 2002 I do like it that he signed the prenup and that his debt is for getting through med school as opposed to just frittering it away. Now that he has signed it the prenup will fade in importance in day-to-day living. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted July 31, 2002 Share Posted July 31, 2002 The whole med school thing brought in another prospective. It's not like he's some bum just collecting debts and looking for a sugar momma. This makes it sound MUCH better. Plus for him to complete med school shows he can stick to something and that's so important. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Posted July 31, 2002 Share Posted July 31, 2002 Jenny, When you first posted you left out a lot of details---you made him sound like a free-loader. You will not get good advice if you hold back important pieces of information of your situation. Good luck, he sounds like a decent man with a wonderful future. Link to post Share on other sites
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