Wishy washy Posted July 15, 2002 Share Posted July 15, 2002 My fiance and I are getting married in 2 months. He is moving in w/ me at the end of the month. He told me he wants to spend as much time at his apartment as he can because he needs time to adjust to the idea of the marriage. He is used to living by himself and not compromising. He is afraid he will lose me if we dont get married. We are both almost 40 and have lived on our own separately for years. He needs time to think has me scared. I have tried talking to him and he says he loves me. He just needs time to adjust him mind to it. What does that mean and what should I do. I feel very sad and I told him to take as much time as he needed to think things through. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted July 15, 2002 Share Posted July 15, 2002 i think ppl wont be able to give u much advice unless u tell more... how long have u been together? has one of u been married? do u own your place? why is he afraid of losing u if u dont get married? etc -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 16, 2002 Share Posted July 16, 2002 If you aren't able to get into his mind and heart and see just exactly what he is trying to do with this adjustment and time for thought process, then you shouldn't marry him. Marriage is about understanding and communication. If you can't communicate with him effectively enough to know exactly where his head is right now, in my opinion that's a danger sign. I can understand very legitimate circumstances where a man of his age would be gunshy about giving up his freedom, no matter how much he loved a lady. But he needs to explain that to you in detail if that's the case. Talk to him and understand all this from words coming out of his own mouth or give it up!!! Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 16, 2002 Share Posted July 16, 2002 The best thing for you to do right now is to step back and give him the time he needs to think. Don't call him, e-mail him, IM him, or send carrier pigeons. Just let him think. He can't miss you and realize how much he wants to be with you if you are always around and wanting to talk about it. Just step back and let him think. Trust me, he'll miss you, realize what a good thing he's got, and come running back to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Wishy washy Posted July 16, 2002 Share Posted July 16, 2002 The house is mine and I own it. We have been together 3 years. He lived w/ someone before me for 9 years but they were not married. I was married for 3 years and got a divorce. We love each other. It seems that he is not liking to compromise enough to live together. I think I am going to take the advice and just back off and let him think. He called me this morning to tell me he loved me. He made no plans to see me, but he does appear to be thinking. Thanks. I am really sad about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 16, 2002 Share Posted July 16, 2002 I'm really disappointed that you decided to back off rather than communicate more effectively to see just what his thought process is. I personally would not carry on a serious romantic relationship with somebody who had to do a lot of thinking about it or enjoy every morsel of single life before they joined me for a new life. That's symptomatic of fear or other problems and certainly doesn't show the excitement and passional which normally accompany more great romances. Perhaps I'm more unrealistic than I should be. I would certainly want to more clearly understand his behavior and for you the only way to do that would be to ask him questions to get into his mind. that's what relationships are all about. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 16, 2002 Share Posted July 16, 2002 It sounds to me like they have communicated. She wrote, "He told me he wants to spend as much time at his apartment as he can because he needs time to adjust to the idea of the marriage. He is used to living by himself and not compromising. He is afraid he will lose me if we dont get married." What more communication is necessary? He needs to adjust to what is going to be a major life change. I know I would certainly need to do a lot of thinking before moving in with someone or getting married. Surely he's excited, but this is a big move! I don't think talking to him continuously about it right now is the right answer, but that's JMO. If he asked her to work through it with him, that would be different. But he didn't. He wants to do it himself. (Which I don't think is at all atypical.) I still say give him time to work through it on his own. (Sorry wishy washy, don't mean to talk about you in the third person!) Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 16, 2002 Share Posted July 16, 2002 IN HER ORIGINAL POST, SHE WROTE: "He needs time to think has me scared. I have tried talking to him and he says he loves me. He just needs time to adjust him mind to it. What does that mean and what should I do. If they were communicating effectively, she would know what he meant and she would know what to do. Effective communication is not just talking about events and what people want to do, it's going deep into the heart of the matter and exposing the soul. It's holding nothing back. It's resolving things. If these two people had communicated properly, she would have asked him what he meant and would not have ceased until she understood. They would have discussed and agreed on what each would do during this time. Things would have been resolved. It's extremely unfortunate for a member of a couple to have to come to an Internet message board to find out what their mate meant by something. How are we supposed to know??? Now, do you still think they are communicating? If you are with somebody who cannot communicate or is not willing to, get away from them immediately or suffer severe consequences. Never, ever get into an intimate relationship until you have learned effective communication and conflict resolution techniques. Those are the foundation of any quality relationship. Couples who have healthy relationships work through difficulties together....they don't go off to themselves to unilaterally come to their own conclusions. Link to post Share on other sites
kfcsmith Posted July 19, 2002 Share Posted July 19, 2002 I am also afraid that my fiance' will leave me if we don't get married. I think I have a sense of what you're going through. Link to post Share on other sites
Wishy washy Posted July 19, 2002 Share Posted July 19, 2002 Don't worry if your fiance really loves you he or she wont leave! They have to love you more. Talk... Link to post Share on other sites
velvet Posted July 22, 2002 Share Posted July 22, 2002 Sounds like he is trying to use some time to be by himself before he turns over his free time. He thinks marriage will cause him to loose that free time that he has now. I would recommend not getting married. Marriage is more than love and lust. Its sharing a life. Its becoming one. Knowing every detail of your spouse and what their doing every waking moment. He may know what hes doing and what hes doing to you by acting this way. So give him all the time he needs. If he is confused, scared and feeling wishy washy you should cut him off and return what hes doing to you. If hes acting cold, than show him you have cold side too. Link to post Share on other sites
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