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Last night, I had a fight w/ my fiance. He did not like the outfit that I wore to mow the lawn last night, which consisted of a bra top and bike shorts...it is hot and nasty here. Apparently it is fine to run in, but not to mow the lawn in. He also has made strange comments about me going to the pool by myself or going out w/ my friends w/out him. He does not like me to spend time at the pool reading or out w/ my friends (girl or guys). I feel like he is being controling. I am wondering if this is an insecurity issue or a control issue. He is very insecure about our relationship. It is making me crazy because he gets really upset about it. What can I do. I am trying to compromise, but I feel like I should be able to do normal things in my life. How can I make him feel more secure and is this controling behavior? How do I address this to have the discussion w/ him?

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1. "I feel like he is being controling. I am wondering if this is an insecurity issue or a control issue. He is very insecure about our relationship."

 

Well, I think you have answered your own question. If you feel he is very insecure about the relationship then that is probably the root of the problem.

 

2. "It is making me crazy because he gets really upset about it."

 

I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship where the other person makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I've been that route before and it's a no win situation.

 

3. "What can I do. I am trying to compromise, but I feel like I should be able to do normal things in my life."

 

There is no compromising with a crazy person. That's why there is war in Palestine, soon to be war in Iraq and a war getting wrapped up in Afghanistan. Crazy people should be institutionalized.

 

4. "How can I make him feel more secure and is this controling behavior?"

 

There is no human way you can make another person feel secure. The more you try, the more insecure the will probably feel. That's something he has to do, perhaps with the help of a psychologist. He'll have to go way back to the roots of this problem. Usually, it has it's basis in early childhood when the infant is greatly dependent on the mother and fears the mother will leave it helpless to deal with life on its own. It's a pretty pathetic situation.

 

5. "How do I address this to have the discussion w/ him?"

 

You need to be very firm and just tell him this behavior will no longer be tolerated. Tell him if he doesn't get some help NOW, you will be forced to terminate the relationship. There is just no good reason to have to put up with his stuff when there are so many men who are confident and very secure with themselves.

 

Most normal ladies want that kind of man, anyway. You'll be doing him a favor by helping him to grow up and get away from this childish behavior.

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Dear Mistake,

 

My b/f is exactly the same way. It is something that you will NEVER change! Either you sway towards his thinking or get out of the relationship. Yes, it is insecurity and Yes, it is a control issue and beleive you me.....you will never win. You may win ONE arguement but he will very quickly come back with another demand.

 

Here's hoping you can cope,

 

Bubbles

Last night, I had a fight w/ my fiance. He did not like the outfit that I wore to mow the lawn last night, which consisted of a bra top and bike shorts...it is hot and nasty here. Apparently it is fine to run in, but not to mow the lawn in. He also has made strange comments about me going to the pool by myself or going out w/ my friends w/out him. He does not like me to spend time at the pool reading or out w/ my friends (girl or guys). I feel like he is being controling. I am wondering if this is an insecurity issue or a control issue. He is very insecure about our relationship. It is making me crazy because he gets really upset about it. What can I do. I am trying to compromise, but I feel like I should be able to do normal things in my life. How can I make him feel more secure and is this controling behavior? How do I address this to have the discussion w/ him?
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I would reveal less to others and more to him. Just be a little more conservative in your attire (not ridiculously conservative---but just show a little less skin). If he still continues, then you have a problem. Be sensitive to his concerns--then he'll be less controlling. Try it, maybe it'll work. Let us know how it turns out---good luck.

1. "I feel like he is being controling. I am wondering if this is an insecurity issue or a control issue. He is very insecure about our relationship." Well, I think you have answered your own question. If you feel he is very insecure about the relationship then that is probably the root of the problem. 2. "It is making me crazy because he gets really upset about it." I personally wouldn't stay in a relationship where the other person makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I've been that route before and it's a no win situation. 3. "What can I do. I am trying to compromise, but I feel like I should be able to do normal things in my life." There is no compromising with a crazy person. That's why there is war in Palestine, soon to be war in Iraq and a war getting wrapped up in Afghanistan. Crazy people should be institutionalized.

 

4. "How can I make him feel more secure and is this controling behavior?" There is no human way you can make another person feel secure. The more you try, the more insecure the will probably feel. That's something he has to do, perhaps with the help of a psychologist. He'll have to go way back to the roots of this problem. Usually, it has it's basis in early childhood when the infant is greatly dependent on the mother and fears the mother will leave it helpless to deal with life on its own. It's a pretty pathetic situation. 5. "How do I address this to have the discussion w/ him?" You need to be very firm and just tell him this behavior will no longer be tolerated. Tell him if he doesn't get some help NOW, you will be forced to terminate the relationship. There is just no good reason to have to put up with his stuff when there are so many men who are confident and very secure with themselves. Most normal ladies want that kind of man, anyway. You'll be doing him a favor by helping him to grow up and get away from this childish behavior.

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  • 1 year later...

There is no way you are going to change him. I thought it was cute at first, he really cared about me. Then came the jealousy,

wanting to know where I was all of the time, not trusting me, bugging my phone after 4 years of marriage, reading my e-mail after 8 years of marriage, being jealous of the attention I gave the kids, and the way I related with my family. I started to think I was a child and he was my father. I lost all of my freindships or let them slip by because I didn't want to get the third degree. He stared at me constantly waiting for me to do something wrong. I lost me, the very indepenant me. The fun loving me. I have four beautiful children, who he was also belittling all of the time, they couldn't do anything right either. Our house was very fearful, no music. He was a very insecure man, a very controling, insecure man. I could never win an argument, so you just go along with it. Until you get a great fultime job after being home with the kids for ten years. You are somewhat independant again. Well, he does takes your check, gives you 50 dollars allowance a week. After a year of working and having to be questioned over and over again about who is coming in to see you, who is talking to you ,and the rest of the questions that come out of a very insecure person, you get the guts to tell him that you will not put up with that behavior any more, get help or we will not be together, he tries to convince you that it is not him that it is you, you do not show him enough affection, you don't include him in things,ect. He admits he has a problem with insecurity, but will not get help. Or when he does get help or go for marriage counceling, hes got the gift of gab that would convince anyone that you are the one causing the problem. Then one day you see the kids, hurting, you hear that they don't do anything right, that when the door to the house opens they get a stomach ache because they think it's dad coming in. The fear leaves , the little girl leaves and out comes the mother to these children, the woman inside. The only thing that matters now is that they will not grow up in a house without music, they will love themselves,their best will be good enough. It has been 9 months since I told him to leave. We have music, laughter, and a whole lot of caass (spell check) It's an adjustment for all of us. He is still tring to control me. He took all of the equity out of our house and spent half, our divorce will take longer because of that. I do not think he will hurt me phiscally, he can no longer hurt us mentally.We won't let him, we are secure with us and who we are. He still is not. Insecure people feel big when they are making people feel small. They control to feel big, because they have no control of themselves.

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Just A Girl2

Wow, what you wrote/shared, TLS, was very moving and inspiring. Hats off to you for standing up for yourself and your children, so many women never do. I hope your account here will inspire women who are lurking here/reading, to leave their abusive partners. Let the music play! :)

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