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Pregnant, we're not getting married


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Okay here goes.

 

I met "David" at my work. About a year later, we were workin together, we shared an office and got to be friends. We were both involved in serious relationships and one night we ended up sleeping together. I lived with my ex at the time and he had a girlfriend. So we ended it with our exes and started dating. About two months later, I got pregnant. I decided then that I didn't want to have it so I had an abortion. He and I had separated from eachother during that time and he did know about it. I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship and I was very confused. I went back to talk to my ex and was still living with him at the time. Then I moved out and David and I talked and decided to start up again.

 

In December, I got pregnant again. David told me that he would support me in whatever decision I made. So, I decided I would have the baby. I thought he would decide to marry me but he hasn't asked. We're going to get a house soon and start living together, our baby is due in August. But I am unsure of him, wouldn't he marry me if he loved me? I don't know. I'm confused and this already happened to him with his ex girlfriend, he wasn't ready to marry her and she got pregnant then lost the baby and then I came along.

 

I am not condoning what I did. I felt awful when I cheated on my ex and can't imagine what his ex must have felt like, after all that she's been through. I am just really confused about whether or not he loves me. I think if he did then he would love me enough to marry me right?

 

Please help, I don't know what to do. I don't know if he's doing this out of wanting to do the right thing or because he loves me.

 

Help!

 

Rox

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I have loved a lot of ladies I didn't marry. Of course, I didn't get them pregnant.

 

In days past, when a guy was dating a lady and got her pregnant the gentlemanly thing to do was to marry her and legitimize the birth to the rest of the world. Today, it isn't quite that way. Morals have changed somewhat and people don't really care (look down on unmarried couples with kids). As a matter of fact there are couples with three or four children who have never married.

 

There is simply no way of us telling what is in your guy's head. No way at all. That will be up to you to find out for yourself. However, if the communication is so bad between the two of you that he is unable to discuss fears, emotions or lack thereof, financial situations, religious issues or whatever hangups that keep him for tying the knot with you then he will not make a great life partner...at least not now.

 

We can speculate a whole lot about this. Frankly, I'd say that if the two of you are buying a house together that's a whole lot more of a legal committment than marriage as far as the paperwork and binding legal documents go. A divorce is less intense than buying, operating and selling a house together.

 

I just don't know. Maybe he feels guilty about all this. It may have a lot of fear components. Who knows?

 

But a man can love you more than anyone or anything on the planet and not be driven to marry you...if that's the information you're looking for. A man's desire to get married and be with someone forever has a lot more to do with timing than with love. When the time is right, it all falls into place.

 

Likewise, a couple's willingness to remain together later on has a lot more to do with a lot of other things than it has to do with love. Most couples who divorce love each other on some level but just find it intolerable to remain together for any one of a thousand reasons.

 

For some guys, the time is never right to get married or to stay married.

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I have no idea what he's thinking.

 

My first advice is that after this baby is born, you find a reliable method of birth control. (I find it hard to believe that you got pregnant twice by him while using protection.)

 

Okay, now that that's out of the way, you've proverbially made your bed and now you have to lie in it.

David told me that he would support me in whatever > decision I made. So, I decided I would have the baby.

So he had no input at all? It's very nice of him to let you make this huge, massive, life altering decision all by your lonesome, but what it comes down to is that YOU decided to have this baby. HE did not. Is he showing interest in your pregnancy? Does he seem excited? Do you think he's going to be a good dad? Do you think he's going to stay involved? Do you think that even if things don't work out between the two of you that you will be able to have a parental relationship? Did you consider all this stuff before you made the decision?

I thought he would decide to marry me but he hasn't asked.

May I ask how long you've been together? Never assume that marriage is coming, ever, ever, ever. Unfortunately, getting pregnant no longer means that a proposal is forthcoming. He may never want to marry you. You need to be prepared for that.

We're going to get a house soon and start living together, our baby is due in August. But I am unsure of him, wouldn't he marry me if he loved me? I don't know. I'm confused and this already happened to him with his ex girlfriend, he wasn't ready to marry her and she got pregnant then lost the baby and then I came along.

So, why did you think he would marry you if he wouldn't marry her? And how many girls has this guy knocked up? Wow, truly amazing that he didn't learn his lesson the first time!

I am just really confused about whether or not he loves > me.

I think that now is the perfect time for you to have an intentions talk with him. Don't be confrontational, demanding, or whiney. Simply ask him what his intentions are regarding your relationship. He is certainly in a better position than we are to tell you if he loves you and plans on marrying you.

 

You are in a mess I would not wish on anyone. But you have a wonderful new baby coming in August. Whatever David decides, don't forget about that! You are now responsible for a human being, and you made the decision to bring that human being into the world. Please live up to it, regardless of whether or not this guy decides to marry you!

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arthropod98

tony's right . . . just because he doesn't want to marry you doesn't mean he doesn't LOVE you! hell, look at all the married folks out there who are no longer in love. i just don't get this fascination with "marriage" -- the concept is great and BEAUTIFUL, but i believe it's lost meaning over the years. too many people treat it as "dating", and, if nothing else, this guy doesn't seem to have that opinion, so i have to give him some credit for that.

 

now, the only other thing i can say to you is GOOD LUCK with all of this. the two of you need to have a serious talk about your entire relationship, and, most IMPORTANTLY . . . the child you'll be having. this is a LIFE we're talking about here, and this poor kid has no choice of the environment in which he/she is raised, so PLEASE keep that in mind here!! regardless of what happens with you and "david" -- concentrate on your CHILD!

 

one more thing . . . there are all KINDS of birth control available, for you AND "david", PLEASE look into that! you just can't have the mentality that pregnancy is just an "accident" that can be "fixed" -- you have to PRO-ACTIVE about preventing it, unless you're SURE you're ready! i know, there's no 100% effective birth control method, but the stats here seem a little high to even guess that there was much of an effort on ANYONE'S part.

Okay here goes. I met "David" at my work. About a year later, we were workin together, we shared an office and got to be friends. We were both involved in serious relationships and one night we ended up sleeping together. I lived with my ex at the time and he had a girlfriend. So we ended it with our exes and started dating. About two months later, I got pregnant. I decided then that I didn't want to have it so I had an abortion. He and I had separated from eachother during that time and he did know about it. I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship and I was very confused. I went back to talk to my ex and was still living with him at the time. Then I moved out and David and I talked and decided to start up again. In December, I got pregnant again. David told me that he would support me in whatever decision I made. So, I decided I would have the baby. I thought he would decide to marry me but he hasn't asked. We're going to get a house soon and start living together, our baby is due in August. But I am unsure of him, wouldn't he marry me if he loved me? I don't know. I'm confused and this already happened to him with his ex girlfriend, he wasn't ready to marry her and she got pregnant then lost the baby and then I came along. I am not condoning what I did. I felt awful when I cheated on my ex and can't imagine what his ex must have felt like, after all that she's been through. I am just really confused about whether or not he loves me. I think if he did then he would love me enough to marry me right?

 

Please help, I don't know what to do. I don't know if he's doing this out of wanting to do the right thing or because he loves me. Help! Rox

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He may not want to marry, becuase alot of marriages that end with children involved can get really ugly.

 

My advice is to just love him. When you show affection does he push you away? Love is more than marriage. Marriage is obsolete.

 

You shouldnt be worried about taking vows. Alot of people may say do it for the children. It doenst mean the children will be raised any differently if you dont.

 

Just think about taking care of yourself and your family and put this marriage nonsense on the back burer. Make plans for your future. What schools you want your child to go to? Will you go back to work after the baby is born or go back to school.

 

You can talk to him about marriage and see how he feels. If he does not want to marry than cherish the beautiful r/s you have with him now and maybe some years down the road he will be ready.

tony's right . . . just because he doesn't want to marry you doesn't mean he doesn't LOVE you! hell, look at all the married folks out there who are no longer in love. i just don't get this fascination with "marriage" -- the concept is great and BEAUTIFUL, but i believe it's lost meaning over the years. too many people treat it as "dating", and, if nothing else, this guy doesn't seem to have that opinion, so i have to give him some credit for that. now, the only other thing i can say to you is GOOD LUCK with all of this. the two of you need to have a serious talk about your entire relationship, and, most IMPORTANTLY . . . the child you'll be having. this is a LIFE we're talking about here, and this poor kid has no choice of the environment in which he/she is raised, so PLEASE keep that in mind here!! regardless of what happens with you and "david" -- concentrate on your CHILD! one more thing . . . there are all KINDS of birth control available, for you AND "david", PLEASE look into that! you just can't have the mentality that pregnancy is just an "accident" that can be "fixed" -- you have to PRO-ACTIVE about preventing it, unless you're SURE you're ready! i know, there's no 100% effective birth control method, but the stats here seem a little high to even guess that there was much of an effort on ANYONE'S part.
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Sorry if this sounds judgmental, but you think after one unplanned pregnancy (which sadly ended in an abortion), you'd have realized the need to either abstain from sex with someone you weren't positive about having a lasting future with....OR, you would have ensured that you were using a reliable form of birth control. I also think it was wrong of you to have not told this guy, prior to doing it, that you were going to have an abortion (with your first pregnancy). That was his child, too..and he had a right to know.

 

Sounds like you need to get your act together some, and get some stability happening....before you bring an innocent child into this world.

Okay here goes. I met "David" at my work. About a year later, we were workin together, we shared an office and got to be friends. We were both involved in serious relationships and one night we ended up sleeping together. I lived with my ex at the time and he had a girlfriend. So we ended it with our exes and started dating. About two months later, I got pregnant. I decided then that I didn't want to have it so I had an abortion. He and I had separated from eachother during that time and he did know about it. I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship and I was very confused. I went back to talk to my ex and was still living with him at the time. Then I moved out and David and I talked and decided to start up again. In December, I got pregnant again. David told me that he would support me in whatever decision I made. So, I decided I would have the baby. I thought he would decide to marry me but he hasn't asked. We're going to get a house soon and start living together, our baby is due in August. But I am unsure of him, wouldn't he marry me if he loved me? I don't know. I'm confused and this already happened to him with his ex girlfriend, he wasn't ready to marry her and she got pregnant then lost the baby and then I came along. I am not condoning what I did. I felt awful when I cheated on my ex and can't imagine what his ex must have felt like, after all that she's been through. I am just really confused about whether or not he loves me. I think if he did then he would love me enough to marry me right?

 

Please help, I don't know what to do. I don't know if he's doing this out of wanting to do the right thing or because he loves me. Help! Rox

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