Should I bail out?

[Is_it_a_mistake?]

I have been dating my girlfriend for over a year now - she and I are both divorced. She has a 5 year old that lives with her ex husband on the other side of the country - I've met the kid once. Over the course of our dating the subject of her kid came up and we agreed that it would be ok if her kid came to live with us someday after we got married. At the time it seemed that that was an eternity away.... well now we are approaching a wedding date and I'm starting to get worried.... the fact is, the one time I met her kid I was really shocked - this kid is spoiled and totally out of control. As a step-parent I feel that I have no say in the discipline of the kid - so now I'm looking at my life and questioning if this is such a good idea. Do I really want to marry someone and have their kid influencing the kids that WE would have together?

 

For now she just wants visitation whenever it's possible, but even that is frightening me. I'm wondering - is this just cold feet? I don't have kids, so I think it could just be anxiety over the situation - I don't know how to deal with kids at all... Should I bail out before it's too late? I love this woman more than I've ever loved anyone and I don't want to lose her - but I also don't want to wake up in 1, 2, 5 10 or 20 years and say "what did I do!?"

[Tony T]

A spoiled five-year-old would have a lot of energy and be a pain in the butt sometimes but they do grow up, go to school, etc.

 

What you have to do is get real straight on the discipline part of the deal. Whether or not your lady gives you some say in this, will the kid mind you in the short term or ignore you and bounce around as usual?

 

Young children can be a major problem in some ways and you are justified in your concern. If you don't have any children now, the introduction of a feisty five-year-old into your life will take some major getting used to.

 

But this kid won't be around all the time. Whether in school, visiting with friends, playing, etc., I think you can make the adjustment.

 

If I were you, I would visit a child psychologist to get help in addressing your concerns. This trained person can tell you what to expect and perhaps offer some strategies on making the transition easier and on handling the spoiled brat.

 

I think you can go ahead with your marriage plans. But it's good for you to be thinking about these things ahead of time. Get some expert advice and be prepared to make adjustments and compromises. Any way you slice it, whether they are your kids, her's or anybody's, babies and youngsters take some getting used to when they are introduced into a household.

[witchbreed]

The thing is, a step-parent has not only the right but actually the duty to discipline a step-child. Like any other couple you will have to lay down rules together, usually that does include some compromises too.

 

My first partner had a son from his previous marriage who was 4 when we met. From then till the age of 11 he was living with his mothers sister and spent every other weekend and two weeks in summer with us. When he was 9 our first child was born and when he was 11 he came to live with us and stayed till he was 19. His aunt raised him very different then we would have and there was problems about that, but he soon learned, that in his aunts house it was their rules and in our house ours.

 

If I gather right, your gf doesnt see her kid much now, so its quiet normal for the kid to go overboard seeing his mum and then there is jealousy, he hasnt seen mum for a while and has to share her now with you. And I guess your gf does feel a little guilty about not being able to raise him herself and that makes one a little overindulgent on those rare occasions. We did indulge my stepson more too, when he was only visiting and every single weekend parent I know tends to do this.

 

I am very happy that my bf does "interfere" with my parenting, like everyone, I do have some blind spots. I am glad that he will tell them, when they do something wrong and it is a great help. Btw in the beginning it wasnt always easy - for him to have an instant family with 3 kids, for the kids to have to share their mum with a boyfriend. But they have come to love and respect each other and his taking responsibility in raising them has played a big part in this.

 

We have one big advantage though, the kids spend every other weekend with their dad - we split on friendly terms - and so we do have our regular couple-weekends, furthermore the kids spend part of their vacation with their dad and part with my parents so we even do have the luxury of spending the occasional vacation on our own.

 

Dont bail out, just because of the kid - but do have an earnest talk with your gf, tell her about your feelings. Sit down and come to terms you both can agree on about education and raising a kid. Set your rules as "parents" and support each other. Get involved in the fun and in the discipline. And never ever forget to take time as a couple, time to be together just the two of you.

 

Give yourself time, get to know the kid over regular visits and make him follow the rules you and your gf set down. Kids respect loving discipline, they do need borders - sometimes they just get wild, because they finally want to hear NO. Borders and rules give them safety too.

 

Wish you all the best.

[Is_it_a_mistake?]

Unfortunately it isn't quite as simple as I made it out to be - there is also the issue of religion. I am Catholic and her ex-husband is from India & is raising the kid with his religion. If the kid comes to live with us & eventually I adopt her I would want to have her baptised & take her to church - I can see this as a major problem in the future.

 

Second, because my income is so low right now, we couldn't possibly afford to take the child in. At best we are talking about maybe 3 or 4 years from now (if I continue with the same company and get raises annually - right now I'm just a temp and I just declared bankruptcy last month). That means we'd be taking in an 8-10 year old, not a 5 year old.

 

I also worry that maybe I'm being really selfish & jealous - maybe I'm worried about how things will change. Right now we're the center of each other's universe, but once a kid is mixed into the equation everything changes.....

 

Am I making a mountain out of a mole-hill?

[Ed]

I think you should have some measure of authority in the discipline category, but the child's mother will have the final word. This is something you and your fiancé need to work out now...not later. If you can't come to a satisfactory understanding and/or compromise on this, then don't marry her. Remember, the child's mother will always have the final word.

 

In my opinion, the religion issue is something entirely different. This decision should be entirely left up to the child's mother and father. I do not see a problem with you wanting the child to become Christian, but if you are going to get bent out of shape about it and make a big deal of it if the mother and father don't agree with you, then you are in for big trouble.

 

Your posts indicate to me that you are afraid of loosing control or not being in control of these situations. Maybe that's why you feel selfish and jealous, because you are not in complete control and you want to be. If that's the case, you will have other issues that come up that have nothing to do with a step-child.

 

Forget being in control and having things "your way". If your marriage to anyone is ever going to work, you will have to learn how to compromise and be at ease with other's decisions on how to live their lives. You have the option to live your life the way you want to and to find a mate that is compatible with you and your lifestyle.

 

Do your homework here and find out if this lady is someone that will fit into your life. But, be prepared for change. It is as inevitable as it is unpredictable.

[velvet]

Having a kid around, you have to be a kid yourself. You dont want to be too much of a grown up and give them the impression that your an authority figure they dislike.

 

You become more like a brother, a friend, if your extremly lucky the kid could call you dad and look at you as dad.

 

Most situations, that wont happen!

 

Be there to support them and guide them, be lienant and uncontrolling. Your wife will have the final say for her first child. There should not be any arugment over her decision on how to raise her 5yr old. When you both have kids you have more say so than with the child from your wifes first marriage.

 

Remember this child has lived under another roof with different people and is set in its on ways. You cant change the ways but only influence,influence,influence. That child becomes a part of who you are. Gets alot of their mentality from you and your wife.

 

Having children you dont make their decisions for them you just train them to be able to care for themselves for when they leave the nest.

 

If you feel like you have changed your mind about having children, let your g/f know sooner than later. And yes you have cold feet, relax and enjoy the ride, for its a short one.

A spoiled five-year-old would have a lot of energy and be a pain in the butt sometimes but they do grow up, go to school, etc. What you have to do is get real straight on the discipline part of the deal. Whether or not your lady gives you some say in this, will the kid mind you in the short term or ignore you and bounce around as usual? Young children can be a major problem in some ways and you are justified in your concern. If you don't have any children now, the introduction of a feisty five-year-old into your life will take some major getting used to. But this kid won't be around all the time. Whether in school, visiting with friends, playing, etc., I think you can make the adjustment. If I were you, I would visit a child psychologist to get help in addressing your concerns. This trained person can tell you what to expect and perhaps offer some strategies on making the transition easier and on handling the spoiled brat. I think you can go ahead with your marriage plans. But it's good for you to be thinking about these things ahead of time. Get some expert advice and be prepared to make adjustments and compromises. Any way you slice it, whether they are your kids, her's or anybody's, babies and youngsters take some getting used to when they are introduced into a household.

[witchbreed]

In a way its more complicated and on the other hand it gives you both more time. I think its easier for you to first build a good foundation in your marriage and then have to deal with raising kids, be it your step-child or children of your own. It gives you the needed time, to work out some of the issues - like religion, the way to raise a kid in general and so on.

 

Btw my stepson decided himself, when he was 11 that he wanted to live with us and there was a religion issue too. When he was born, he was baptisied catholic, he was taken away from his mom, when he was three and his aunt and uncle (btw. without telling the parents, but in agreement with the state guardian) changed his religion over to the protestant church. We were both catholic and when he came to live with us, we let him choose himself - he opted for catholicism.

 

With a child of around 10, you will all have to include the child in the decisions concerning which parent the child lives with and what religion the child wants to follow. You do have an influence with that from now on though, if you build up a stable weekend-parents relationsship you will have a chance, that the kid will want to live with you. You can introduce the child to your faith - Hindus usually are pretty open towards catholicism anyway (in Switzerland most Hindus for not having a Hindu temple will go to Catholic churches, Jesus and Mary and most our saints are gods in their eyes), but please do respect the faith of the father too. When the child grows up, this way she has a choice between the two faiths - but all the adults will have to be open minded and respect whatever choice she will make in the future.

 

Wish you all the best.