UnicornDreams Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 New to the forums and it seems there's a wealth of sensible advice on here so I hope someone can help me understand myself! My partner of 3yrs proposed 6mths ago, I was totally taken by surprise and couldn't accept. He said he'd been planning it for over a year yet I'd picked up no clues whatsoever, thinking we were both happy with the status quo. Both of us have kids and they all get on well. We live together, but I've been paying for all the bills as he's still getting back on his feet now he's back in work, though he has just agreed to pay half going forwards. He tends to bottle stuff up and shuts me out sometimes when he has probs to deal with, but he recognises that this causes difficulties for us and is working on it. (I have faults of my own too!) We're both 40, I've been married twice before, he's had one previous marriage. My first marriage ended cos we'd just failed to commit and drifted apart but we've remained friends, second marrige (father of my son) was only cos I was pregnant (cliche!) and ended very bitterly when I got severe PND and he said I should 'just put up with it'. I learned from the mistakes of my first marriage and tried really hard the 2nd time but it still wasn't enough. My partners marriage ended when his ex had affair. Its still very difficult between them at times as she is always expecting him to bend to her needs despite being with someone else herself now. I know it hurt him when I said no, we have talked about it since. He sees it as a lack of commitment and worries that I'll just kick him out one day! I have assured him this is not the case, everything is in joint names anyway. At first I thought my rejection was simply because I didn't want to go through the ceremony again but its more that I simply don't see any reason for marriage. We don't want any more kids, we know we intend to spend the rest of our lives together, we've faced some difficulties in the time we've been together when he lost his job and I had to support us all, plus the demands of his ex, but we've got through it and are stronger for it. He's supportive, loving, caring, considerate, sexy and I love him dearly, yet something is still causing me to hold back and I don't know why. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 New to the forums and it seems there's a wealth of sensible advice on here so I hope someone can help me understand myself! My partner of 3yrs proposed 6mths ago, I was totally taken by surprise and couldn't accept. He said he'd been planning it for over a year yet I'd picked up no clues whatsoever, thinking we were both happy with the status quo. Both of us have kids and they all get on well. We live together, but I've been paying for all the bills as he's still getting back on his feet now he's back in work, though he has just agreed to pay half going forwards. He tends to bottle stuff up and shuts me out sometimes when he has probs to deal with, but he recognises that this causes difficulties for us and is working on it. (I have faults of my own too!) We're both 40, I've been married twice before, he's had one previous marriage. My first marriage ended cos we'd just failed to commit and drifted apart but we've remained friends, second marrige (father of my son) was only cos I was pregnant (cliche!) and ended very bitterly when I got severe PND and he said I should 'just put up with it'. I learned from the mistakes of my first marriage and tried really hard the 2nd time but it still wasn't enough. My partners marriage ended when his ex had affair. Its still very difficult between them at times as she is always expecting him to bend to her needs despite being with someone else herself now. I know it hurt him when I said no, we have talked about it since. He sees it as a lack of commitment and worries that I'll just kick him out one day! I have assured him this is not the case, everything is in joint names anyway. At first I thought my rejection was simply because I didn't want to go through the ceremony again but its more that I simply don't see any reason for marriage. We don't want any more kids, we know we intend to spend the rest of our lives together, we've faced some difficulties in the time we've been together when he lost his job and I had to support us all, plus the demands of his ex, but we've got through it and are stronger for it. He's supportive, loving, caring, considerate, sexy and I love him dearly, yet something is still causing me to hold back and I don't know why. Is it the idea of permanent commitment that scares you? Or are you just afraid to "jinx" what you have? You said you want to be with him forever, are you absolutely sure of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnicornDreams Posted January 24, 2008 Author Share Posted January 24, 2008 I am comfortable with the thought of spending the rest of my life with him, we've discussed what we want to do when we don't have the kids to care for anymore and the possibility of retiring overseas etc. I do worry that marriage will change things - in my 1st marriage we both took each other for granted, 2nd time around my ex just did as he wanted without any consideration towards me and our son whereas pre-baby we did everything together. I worry that we don't talk openly enough and will that make it hard for us to resolve problems, we both find it hard to bring up issues we have with each other for fear of provoking an argument. I sometimes feel he is keeping part of himself hidden from me (like he tells his ex stuff before he tells me). We've discussed these issues and are working on them. But marriage seems to bring a complacency to many relationships and I'd so hate to lose the close, loving feelings we have for each other, I don't want to do anything to wreck it. I hate the tag of 'Mrs' and the bad press it gets, I don't want to change my name as I'd feel like I was losing part of my identity again. I know it would really mean a lot to him if I was to marry him yet he's prepared to wait til I am ready. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 How about having a wedding/commitment ceremony, without the legal marriage license? He gets the sign of commitment he needs, and you get the comfort of knowing that you are together 'by choice' rather than 'by law'. Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Your reasons sound very valid to me. Have you explained them to him? What are his reasons for pushing it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnicornDreams Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 I had thought about an informal ceremony but since I'm apprehensive about the ceremony part of it too it didn't get me over the mindset. I've explained these 'issues' to him and he asked why I wouldn't want to take his name, joking that maybe it wasn't good enough for me! Its hard to explain that its a sense of losing part of my identity, of no longer being a person in my own right but now 'belonging' to somebody else like a pet. In fairness to him, he's not pressuring me over it and says he can see us in our dotage, zimmer frames in hand when I finally decide I am ready to make that committment! But it does matter to him, he thinks that maybe I want to make sure I can get out of our relationship easily, just in case. I think marriage is just as easy to get out of as living together if that's what one party wants. It would mean so much to him if I could get past this mind-block over it and I would dearly love to give him the confidence in my committment. When he first proposed I said I wished we could just wake up one day and find we'd been married for years and that's the way it had always been without any of the fuss over a wedding, people just accepting it like its never been any other way for us. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 I wished we could just wake up one day and find we'd been married for years and that's the way it had always been without any of the fuss over a wedding... Elope! That's what my wife and I did. We ran away to Reno and got hitched. It's legal but no one was there, there was no real ceremony and it took maybe two minutes because that's the way we wanted it. By the way, my wife and I were 48 and 50, respectively, and that was 11 years ago. We did commit but didn't make a big deal of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnicornDreams Posted January 26, 2008 Author Share Posted January 26, 2008 yeh, eloping sounds like the best idea! After reading some other posts on here I realise that my state of mind over marriage is a small thing cos at least our relationship is healthy. Maybe I'll bite the bullet then, was thinking to get him a valentines card with 'to my husband' on it and saying I've bought next years card in advance?! Too corny? Link to post Share on other sites
gooodgirrrll Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 Maybe I'll bite the bullet then, was thinking to get him a valentines card with 'to my husband' on it and saying I've bought next years card in advance?! Too corny? sounds just right to me... it'll tell him you've been thinking about the whole situation and the card would be a doorway to talking about the possibility of eloping. best of luck to you! keep a positive attitude and feel happy about just how healthy your relationship truly is! Link to post Share on other sites
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