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Fiance's view of engagement different from mine


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We started dating over a year ago, and we got engaged right before New Years. I was so excited about getting married! My mom got excited too and brought home bridal magazines to help plan the wedding. She asked "Have you set a date?" Well no, we had not discussed the date yet.

 

So I asked my fiance when he would like to get married. He said spring 2009 at the earliest. But I was hoping for a closer date. There isn't anything going on that would prevent us from getting married this year (ex: neither one of us needs to graduate from college first, buy a house, or meet some other premarital goal, etc). So I didn't understand the delay.

 

He said he proposed because he's not ready to get married yet. The engagement is just a trial period to see if we are compatible.

 

This made me realize that we have very different definitions of "engagement".

 

I always thought that people get engaged when they decide they are ready to get married. Dating is the "trial period" used to determine compatibility.

 

Apparently in his view, people get engaged to help them decide whether they want to get married.

 

Neither view is necessarily right or wrong ... but I wish that I had known about his view before he proposed. The misunderstanding resulted in me getting excited over something he did not intend to commit to. So it is quite a painful letdown ...

 

If I had known his intentions ahead of time, I'm not sure I would have accepted. Right now, I'm sickeningly disappointed. He didn't mean to hurt me, but it still hurts, you know?

 

So to any guy out there who is considering proposing -- it's a good idea to discuss with each other what your views are regarding engagement and marriage BEFORE popping the question. Finding out "the hard way" that you have totally different views is not cool.

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What is the ideal length of an engagement?

 

Although the average length of an engagement today is 15 months, I personally favor a shorter engagement period. Once you’ve found each other, it’s very difficult to wait so long to get married; however, it isn’t uncommon these days for a wedding date to be set 12 to 18 months in advance to allow time for booking the sites, the caterer, photographer, etc.

 

What is wrong with an engagement of 12-15 months ?

 

You have your whole life to be together and only a year or so to see if your are compatible.

 

I do see where you are coming from.. you are excited and you just want to start your new life..

You need to nail him down.. I don't think that a couple is truly engaged until a date is set in stone..

Compromise.. maybe you can get him to not have it so far out in the future..

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My question to you would be....

If this preliminary, early situation has highlighted differences in your attitudes and points of view... what other, vital, more important and pertinent issues are you going to find in the future?

I have to say, this would be ringing alarm bells in my mind...

You know what I'd do?

I'd ask him now, how he feels about the kind of wedding you'd like, what his attitudes are to kids and fatherhood, whether he feels it important to bring childen up in a spiritual/religious environment, what he feels about you working, or being a staying at home mother - and sharing ALL home tasks...

 

If he thinks this is all a bit heavy, tell him. You were so thrown by being so way off-bat with regard to a wedding date, these issues are so much more important. You don't want any nasty surprises in the future, or to be caught off-guard...better now than when you're both in it.....

 

Just a thought.....

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I don't think spring 2009 is that far away...but, I also don't think an engagement is a trial period to see if you're compatible. That just seems like a crazy idea.

 

Were you, or someone else (his family, friends, your family, friends) pressuring him for an engagement?

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If you're waiting until marriage to have sex (a previous thread of yours makes me think you might be) I would not have such a long engagement. It will mess things up. If not, then it may not matter so much.

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Spring of 2009 ain't so bad! I just got engaged and was originally thinking this fall, but now I'm thinking of pushing it back to Spring 2009 - there is just a ridiculous amount of things to plan and it all costs $$!

 

As for what engagement means to you/him - sit down and have a talk with him. Words are so fallible, sometimes you need a whole lot of them to understand exactly what the other person is thinking. It's entirely possible that you're misinterpreting one another, so sit down and talk to him.

 

Good luck!

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Please don't take offense to this, but after reading your other thread, it does seem like there may have been pressure.

 

I'm sure he loves you immensely, but he may not be ready for marriage, yet. And he knew that your parents wouldn't let the two of you live together without "commitment".

 

He may have proposed in order for you to move in with him (it looks like you thought that would pacify your parents but it hasn't, and he probably also thought that would make the situation ok). And that could be why he wants there to be a longer engagement.

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I agree that the proposal should happen when both parties are READY to get married. I wouldn't want a long engagement either.

 

But the reason I am responding to you is this: it sounded from the way you wrote it that your fiance told you what his view on the engagement was and what it is he wanted to do. But then it sounded like the conversation pretty much ended there. Did you TELL him what your view was and what your expectations were/are?

 

Communicate, communicate, communicate. If you keep this bottled up or talk about it with everyone else in the world but him, there's another problem beyond him not wanting to get married right away.

 

Now I can see your point as to you wanting to get married quickly after getting engaged. I understand, I would want the same thing for my own reasons (for me, if I am saying "yes, i will marry you", then I'm already ready to marry you. If he is asking me "Will you marry me?", I take that as he is already ready to marry ME...we BOTH know we want to spend the rest of our lives together..so therefore, why wait another year???)

 

But I also see your fiance's point as well. It sounds to me that he wants to get married once, and only ONCE. He wants to prevent divorce as best as he can from the get go. He sounds to me like he's a lifer and doesn't want it any other way. :) So a few extra months of waiting to wear a wedding dress could definitely be worth a lifetime. Yes, I would like a short engagement. However, I personally could compromise with that reasoning.

 

Good luck to you!

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