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Hi everyone I'm new here. This seems like a good place to ask about this issue.

 

My boyfriend and I recently got engaged after dating for over a year. His parents are thrilled, my parents are thrilled. Everybody absolutely adores each other.

 

Here's the issue: A few months ago, he asked me to move in with him. But I balked because my parents are so old-fashioned, they would never approve of me living with someone who has not made a commitment.

 

Fast-forward a few months, he proposes, and asks me again to move in with him. Ah ha! Commitment! "Yay! I can move in now." -- or so I thought.

 

We told my parents that we're engaged, and they were so happy.

 

But last weekend, I told my mother that I will be moving in with him before we get married. She hasn't stopped crying since. She is convinced that I am going to ruin my marriage by moving in before getting married. "You're doing it all wrong! That isn't how marriage is supposed to be! You're doing it out of order! It will never work! It's a SIN! You have to do marriage God's way if you want it to work! (Insert religious rant here)!"

 

She's absolutely freaked out about it and determined that I'm ruining my entire life. She compared it to the time my brother dropped out of high school. It ruined his life, and according to her, I'm about to ruin mine.

 

But from what I can tell from my friends and what I see in society in general, living together is normal before getting married ... or is it not?

 

Before making this huge legal commitment, we both want to make sure that it is something we can tolerate. Neither one of us has ever lived with a significant other before. And in my situation, I've never even left my parents' home. (I'm in my mid-twenties, I finished college, and I have a good job -- they just don't want me to leave the house on my own -- or with a fiance for that matter.)

 

So anyway, I was just wondering what you all think about living together before getting married.

 

Did you live together before getting married? Do you plan to? What are your thoughts on it for you personally?

 

Thanks everybody for any ideas you have to share.

Edited by vander
oops - spelling is not my specialty!
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sunshinegirl
But from what I can tell from my friends and what I see in society in general, living together is normal before getting married ... or is it not?

 

You seem to want someone to give you permission. Why? This is YOUR decision. It's your life, not your mom's.

 

I get the desire not to disappoint her or make her unhappy, but quite honestly you're not a child anymore. You need to stand up and make your own decisions, some of which will not be popular with people whose opinions you value.

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You seem to want someone to give you permission. Why? This is YOUR decision. It's your life, not your mom's.

 

I get the desire not to disappoint her or make her unhappy, but quite honestly you're not a child anymore. You need to stand up and make your own decisions, some of which will not be popular with people whose opinions you value.

 

Agreed. Don't let her "curses" affect you. If you do, and carry them with you, you will become a self fulfilling prophecy like your brother.

 

I didn't live with my husband #1 before marriage. Huge mistake. After 2 years we walked away. My rush to do it in order, even though we are not a religious family proved not to be wise for my own good.

 

Hubby #2, we lived together nearly 3 years before marriage. It was a one year engagement, and then we got married. Because we were friends for a while before we dated, there was no "courtship", so I knew what I was getting in the package.

 

Years of marriage will teach you how people change, new things will crop up that you'll have to deal with. I couldn't imagine going back to the blind marriage, then move in together. I'm much too picky, and want to know how well kept he is, or all of his bad or good habits well ahead of time, mainly to see the compromising issues up front. But I had to learn this about myself the hard way.

 

There have been marriages that worked out wonderfully before living together. I have a couple Mark and Mary who are devout catholic. Both were virgins before they tied the knot. H and I watched in amazement how they did it. And they are inseperable, even to this day. They were married just 8 weeks before we were. And now they are buying their first house and decided on a child.

 

It all depends on what YOU want, and what you are comfortable with. It will take time to get used to doing what YOU want not what makes mom and pop proud. Do what you have to do to get by, because in the end, its your divorce, or your wonderful marriage, not mums.

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Maybe your mother doesnt realise your already sleeping with this guy? My parents lived togather many years before even getting engaged.

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Chrome Barracuda
Hi everyone I'm new here. This seems like a good place to ask about this issue.

 

My boyfriend and I recently got engaged after dating for over a year. His parents are thrilled, my parents are thrilled. Everybody absolutely adores each other.

 

Here's the issue: A few months ago, he asked me to move in with him. But I balked because my parents are so old-fashioned, they would never approve of me living with someone who has not made a commitment.

 

Fast-forward a few months, he proposes, and asks me again to move in with him. Ah ha! Commitment! "Yay! I can move in now." -- or so I thought.

 

We told my parents that we're engaged, and they were so happy.

 

But last weekend, I told my mother that I will be moving in with him before we get married. She hasn't stopped crying since. She is convinced that I am going to ruin my marriage by moving in before getting married. "You're doing it all wrong! That isn't how marriage is supposed to be! You're doing it out of order! It will never work! It's a SIN! You have to do marriage God's way if you want it to work! (Insert religious rant here)!"

 

She's absolutely freaked out about it and determined that I'm ruining my entire life. She compared it to the time my brother dropped out of high school. It ruined his life, and according to her, I'm about to ruin mine.

 

But from what I can tell from my friends and what I see in society in general, living together is normal before getting married ... or is it not?

 

Before making this huge legal commitment, we both want to make sure that it is something we can tolerate. Neither one of us has ever lived with a significant other before. And in my situation, I've never even left my parents' home. (I'm in my mid-twenties, I finished college, and I have a good job -- they just don't want me to leave the house on my own -- or with a fiance for that matter.)

 

So anyway, I was just wondering what you all think about living together before getting married.

 

Did you live together before getting married? Do you plan to? What are your thoughts on it for you personally?

 

Thanks everybody for any ideas you have to share.

 

Of course you guys should live together.

 

This way you get a feel of your quirks and strengths and weaknessness.

 

Do you snore, does he fart, does he cracks his knuckles, do you sleep with the light on?

 

See what I mean?

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dropdeadlegs

I'm sorry and at the same time understanding of your parent's non-approval. I am 43 and still do not have that approval.

 

As for living together while engaged, yet not married, I have no advice other than to follow your own heart.

 

Personally, I would not marry before living together, but religious expectations are not prohibitive of those beliefs.

 

I currently live with my amour. We have no marriage plans. It works for me, and for him.

 

While my mother seems more accepting, I do not believe my father is.

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sunshinegirl

Vander, I should maybe qualify my earlier comment, which reads a little bluntly.

 

My mother is very similar to yours, and would have an apopylectic fit if I moved in with my boyfriend.

 

To be clear, we're not engaged and we're not actively talking about living together. But I am trying to sort out my own feelings about living with him before marriage, should we get that far.

 

I am sympathetic to your situation in the sense that I would feel very torn about upsetting my mom if I were to do it. But somehow, reading your situation put my own in stark relief. It seems eminently obvious from your situation that YOU need to make the decision that is right for YOU. It will suck to disappoint your mom, sure, but part of being a grown-up is taking responsibility for your own decisions. If living together with your fiance feels like the right decision for you, then do it.

 

The alternative is to base your life decisions on what would make your parents happy. When and where will you draw the line on that, if not now?

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ElvenPriestess
Of course you guys should live together.

 

This way you get a feel of your quirks and strengths and weaknessness.

 

Do you snore, does he fart, does he cracks his knuckles, do you sleep with the light on?

 

See what I mean?

 

This is SUCH a great point. And I, along with many other people I know have lived with spouses before getting married. You have this opportunity to know even more about each other. And as the other replies on here have stated, you are in charge of your own life. Is it what YOU want? Is it what HE wants? (Obviously) That's what's important. Parents, no matter what your age, can tend to be over bearing and thick headed in their ways. But it's not about them or anyone else. Do what makes YOU happy. They don't live your life, you do. Remember that.

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I wouldn't marry a man without living with him first. You don't really know what you're getting into until you test drive the car.

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If Mrs. Moose and I lived together before we married, we wouldn't be married today.

 

When we FIRST got married, and she moved in, she was lazy, didn't cook, clean, nada. I did all of the housework, plus held the job(s) down.

 

It would've been a lot easier to bolt if we weren't married, but I don't believe in divorce so we stuck it out.

 

People change.

 

You move in together and you may like the situation at that point and time. But unless you're legally bound, you're most likely to leave when things aren't so peachy.

 

I think that's all your Mom is worried about.

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sunshinegirl
Do you snore, does he fart, does he cracks his knuckles, do you sleep with the light on?

 

To play devil's advocate, why do you have to live together to learn stuff like this? I know the answers to all of these, and my BF and I don't live together.

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ElvenPriestess
To play devil's advocate, why do you have to live together to learn stuff like this? I know the answers to all of these, and my BF and I don't live together.

 

Everything is different when you live with some one. There are things you just won't know other wise. Those being a few examples there are many more. It's a totally different experience. You may think you know everything there is to know, but when you are physically living together it is a whole new thing.

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Everything is different when you live with some one. There are things you just won't know other wise. Those being a few examples there are many more. It's a totally different experience. You may think you know everything there is to know, but when you are physically living together it is a whole new thing.
Then why should anyone bother to get married?

 

I don't care how long you live with someone, they will not be the same person forever......

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There are positives and negatives to living together before marriage. It's really up to you what is most important and what will or will not work.

 

I lived with my fiancee for over a year, but then I ended the relationship and moved out. Would I have ended the relationship with him had we not lived together - yes, eventually. We weren't right for each other to begin with - it wasn't the living together that was the problem. We did fine with the sharing of space thing.

 

At my age (40) I would not move in with someone before marriage. It would be too much hassle in terms of home ownership, etc., and I think it requires a lot of effort to learn how to live together - more effort than I would want to make for a relationship that isn't fully committed to a life partnership.

 

In your case, I would suggest moving out of your parents' house and living on your own for a while before even considering whether to move in with your fiancee or not. It feels good to be on your own for a little bit, rather than jumping from parents house to fiancee/husband.

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ElvenPriestess

 

I don't care how long you live with someone, they will not be the same person forever......

 

You are absolutely right, and most people don't understand this. Hence the "You're not the same person I married" crap line. No kidding! We're human!

 

I'm not saying there's no reason to get married, I'm just not opposed to the idea of living together before hand. To each their own I always say. I'm a big advocate of people getting married, I just want the OP to realize that she needs to make her OWN choices.

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I'm new here as well...hello!

 

I firmly believe in living with someone before you marry them. Everyone has their views on this, and most of them are very valid no matter which standpoint they hold. Mine is for as follows:

 

I moved in with my boyfriend after 6 months of dating. We have now been living together for 6 months, and I am very glad we took this step before we started discussing marriage. There're a lot things we have learned about eachother and grown to know of eachother that help to determine whether or not we want to take the step into marriage. I agree with the posters who stated that living with someone is the only way you can TRULY know a person. The real YOU comes out when you're in your own home.

 

You are an adult, yes? This is not the 1950s and although your mother's decisions have been based on religion, it's apparent your decisions are not. If you WANT to move in with your fiance, then move in with your fiance. After all, this is YOUR decision, YOUR life and YOUR future. No one else has to live your life but you. Make it what you want. :)

 

There's my two cents.

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I'm engaged to be married, and I live with my fiance. We moved in together a couple months before we got engaged.

 

In all honesty, I didn't experience any "culture shock" moving in with him. We spent almost all of our free time together before we moved in, so I was aware of his cleanliness level, his gross habits, the way he liked to decorate, when/how he liked to sleep, etc. We have the same habits and very similar tastes, so there hasn't been any adjustment period. You really DON'T need to cohabitate to know another person well. But, we were very nearly cohabitating before we put all our stuff in the same dwelling.

 

On the other side, I absolutely agree that you are old enough to make your own decision. You're going to be MARRIED. Do you want your mother butting in on that too? Draw the line, now. My parents weren't keen on me moving in with my fiance either, and I told them that I respected and valued their opinions, but I needed to do what would make me happy. End of story. Just because we disagree doesn't mean we don't still love each other. She'll get over it.

 

Plus, it is very nice to come home to my fiance every evening, to have all of our things in one place, and to share a house together. It's the most wonderful feeling :love:

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justpassingthrough

Vander's boyfriend: Will you move in with me?

 

Vander: My parents are too old fashioned and they would never approve of me living with someone who has not made a commitment.

 

Fast forward a few months....

 

Vander's boyfriend: Will you marry me?

 

Vander: Yes.

 

Fast forward again....

 

Vander's fiance: Will you move in with me?

 

Vander: <Oh****oh****oh****oh****>

 

That's really, really bad communication on your part. Are you sure you're ready to get married?

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Vander,

I totally understand your mother's point of view about moving in before marriage. However, this is NOT the same time your mother grew up in. People did a lot of things back in the day to please their parents and others. They also stayed in bad marriages for years to not upset the "status qoe." Nowadays, people realize that if you really want a marriage to work, you REALLY have to know the person. There are so many things you find out by living with someone. I have been living with my fiancee' for almost 9 yrs. I also suggest you DO NOT rush into the marriage. After 9 yrs with someone you really know if this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. After 2 yrs I'm sure you really do love this person, however, it is NOT the same love after 9 yrs. TRUST ME!!!! I'm not saying it's bad....cus it's wonderful! It's just different. You need to experience this before you make your big decision. Your mother probably did what was proper for the time period and for her religion. This is NOT you!! Also, you will never trully be happy living the life your parents want you to live. You must do what feels right in your heart!! I hope this will help!

 

Sarah

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sunshinegirl
There are so many things you find out by living with someone. I have been living with my fiancee' for almost 9 yrs. I also suggest you DO NOT rush into the marriage. After 9 yrs with someone you really know if this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

 

For some reason this made me laugh.

 

Sarah, do you think after 30 years you will be ready to spend the rest of your life with him? :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

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I hope you realise how nice your fiance is being about this.

 

I certainly wouldn't agree to marry someone I hadn't lived with first, he's been very patient with you so far.

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I hope you realise how nice your fiance is being about this.

 

I certainly wouldn't agree to marry someone I hadn't lived with first, he's been very patient with you so far.

 

Why do you say he's being patient? She said:

 

But last weekend, I told my mother that I will be moving in with him before we get married.

 

Meaning, she's just asking for opinions on the subject, but has already made her decision to move in with him and told her mom she plans to do so. Presumably, she's also told her fiance she will move in with him!

 

She didn't say her mother's opinion changed her mind about moving in with him or is holding her back from doing so.

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Why do you say he's being patient? She's just asking for opinions on the subject, but has already made her decision to move in with him and told her mom she plans to do so. Presumably, she's also told her fiance she will move in with him!

 

She didn't say her mother's opinion changed her mind about moving in with him or is holding her back from doing so.

 

Ahh, you are correct...

 

I may be projecting a little here... when my fiance's mother objects to something, she buckles.

 

Hopefully the OP can stick to her guns!

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Wow, Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts and ideas about this.

 

It is true he has been very patient with me. And I am always quick to acknowledge his good nature and express my thanks to him. He's a wonderful person, and he deserves goodness in his life -- not a tricky fiancee.

 

I spent my whole life being "the good kid", so my whole life has revolved around making my parents happy and proud. I guess I have to be "the bad kid" now. (Well, a "bad kid" in their eyes)

 

I do plan to move in with him prior to getting married. It's a bit tricky because it involves relocating to a new city. He moved 3 hours away a few months ago due to a job promotion. So I need to get a job there first, work a notice at my current job before I move, etc. Perhaps my mom is also upset about me moving away in addition to living with him.

 

I simply was not expecting my mother's dramatic reaction when I informed her of my plans. It threw me off balance. It made me question my own concept of what's normal and acceptable.

 

But your posts have really helped me to regain my sense of balance. I need to do what I think is right.

 

And Sunshinegirl - you weren't harsh at all. I needed to read that -- so thank you :D

 

Thank you all so much for sharing! If anyone else has experience or ideas on the issue, please write about it.

Edited by vander
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I'm way too young to really give advice (21) but I've heard about statistics on forums and articles many times that claim marriages are more likely to "work" for people who did NOT live together before marriage.

 

But by "work" that could mean 30+ years in a miserable marriage, like a lot of conservative christians I know. *disclaimer-I am very religious... just observation.

 

Please dont feel like it a required step; but do what you feel is right like everyone else here said.

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