Jump to content

I am in a dilemma... should I propose?


Recommended Posts

OK here goes, I am 22 and she is 23, we've been dating for almost 10 months now and we love each other very much. Here is the issue:

 

We both go to school and are getting ready to graduate. I just got a great job in Charlotte, NC and am planning on moving there in June. The kind of work she wants to do (governmental, foreign relations) is not really prevalent in Charlotte. Therefore, if she moves with me to Charlotte, she would be sacrificing a lot of things for her career. However, she wants to come with me because we love each other and want to be together. But, she feels that I need to propose to her in order for her to come to Charlotte. Her exact words were "If we are just boyfriend/girlfriend, and if things get rocky in our relationship it would be much easier for you to leave the relationship considering you have your great job in Charlotte, if we're engaged and the relationship gets rocky, I know that you're going to put more effort and commitment into us".

 

She is a great girlfriend, we share a lot of the same values and we get along great and I could definitely see her as a great potential wife. The only thing is I feel like we are rushing the engagement and it wouldn't be done for the right reasons. But she feels that if she is going to make so many sacrifices for the relationship, that an engagement isn't much to ask for (especially because she said shes in no rush to get married, 1-2 years from our engagement).

 

I want to do it but at the same time I feel like it's being rushed. If I don't do it and we go our separate ways I feel like I will regret it since there is nothing wrong with our relationship. However, I feel like doing it is also a risk. This constant turmoil within myself is starting to affect the relationship and my happiness and I need to figure something out.

 

Any advice?

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess

Well you haven't been together THAT long, and being pressured into engagement isn't really fair. It's HER choice to come with you, and it's almost like she's making a commitment so she wants you to make one that makes it equal to hers. And realistically, being engaged doesn't mean that you would be stopped from breaking it off if things got too rough and rocky. So I understand she wants reassurance because she's sacrificing to be with you, but filling that with a ring won't really solidify possibilities down the road. It's her choice to come, so she should do it. You love each other.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

No you're right, an engagement ring won't stop thing from being broken off if they get too rough and rocky but she feels as if I will put more effort into it if we are engaged. She understands that a ring is not a magic wand that will guarantee happiness and a perfect relationship down the road but she believes that getting engaged will assure her that if things get tough I am going to try my best to work things out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess

Look, she needs to feel that whether you're engaged or not. She needs to already know how committed and dedicated you are without of being engaged. And if she is and does, then you proposing should be a separate thing all together. You see what I'm saying?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yeah I see what you're saying and it definitely makes sense. It's just we talk about it almost as if we're already engaged (which is my fault) and now I'm starting to freak out about it and I'm worried that if I back out now and start bringing up all of these concerns that she may decide to "cut her losses" and move on. I really love her very much and it would be devastating to me if she left me because I didn't want to propose to her, I feel like it would haunt me forever.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess

If you had been together for a few years I could see her pushing for this. But aside from normal fear of this HUGE commitment and step in your life, how do YOU feel about it? What do YOU want? Right now. Not two years from now, but presently.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Right now, I want to be with her but I feel as if it's a little too early in the relationship to get engaged. If it wasn't for this whole me moving to Charlotte thing then it wouldn't even be an issue. I want her to come with me because I love her and want to be with her. I had come to terms with not being able to have my cake and eat it too (her coming to Charlotte without an engagement) until recently, probably because it's crunch time and I need to do it soon because I am leaving in a few months (May). But now I'm scared that getting engaged would not be the right thing to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
if we're engaged and the relationship gets rocky, I know that you're going to put more effort and commitment into us".

 

She is a great girlfriend, we share a lot of the same values and we get along great and I could definitely see her as a great potential wife.

 

You say you love each other very much. Engagement nor even marriage will prevent you from splitting up if you are not committed whole heartedly to making the relationship work. Either you want to be together as a couple, which means commitment, compromise, trust, respect and the occasional sacrifice for the other person or you don't.

But more importantly is your statement about "wife material". You just don't sound sure enough; that is you don't see her as a potential life mate today...

There's nothing wrong with that but don't give her false promises or expectations.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

And if she says she needs an engagement to move to Charlotte? Is this great relationship really worth ending just because I don't want to take this step right now, even though I could definitely see myself getting married to her?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. You've only been dating 10 months, and you are both young and just getting your adult lives off the ground. Why not take some time to make sure that you are right for each other AFTER you get your careers established?

 

Charlotte, NC is 400 miles from Washington, DC, where, presumably, she wants to end up for her career options. Google says it's a 6 1/2 hour drive, and that's about an hour flight. Do the long distance thing for a year and see how committed BOTH of you are to that before committing your entire lives to each other.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess
And if she says she needs an engagement to move to Charlotte? Is this great relationship really worth ending just because I don't want to take this step right now, even though I could definitely see myself getting married to her?

 

That's not something she should be making into an ultimatum. If she were to say that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Before she goes to DC she would want to go to the Peace Corps in Africa. I don't think 2 years in Africa in the peace corps would be very conducive to our relationship especially because I'd be working crazy hours in the office.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Before she goes to DC she would want to go to the Peace Corps in Africa. I don't think 2 years in Africa in the peace corps would be very conducive to our relationship especially because I'd be working crazy hours in the office.

 

So she would give up going into the Peace Corp if you were engaged? She's going to give up her dreams and plans, so she can resent you later for being a Stay at Home Mom and never having traveled anywhere?

 

Don't you think she's giving up her life dreams to quick for a guy she's only dated 10 months?

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess

You're right about that. It would be a VERY tough LDR. Personally I think if she plans on doing that it's re evaluation time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Before she goes to DC she would want to go to the Peace Corps in Africa. I don't think 2 years in Africa in the peace corps would be very conducive to our relationship especially because I'd be working crazy hours in the office.

 

I'm a little confused. Are you saying she would go to Charlotte if engaged and if not she would go to Africa for 2 years??

 

Please clarify..

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess
So she would give up going into the Peace Corp if you were engaged? She's going to give up her dreams and plans, so she can resent you later for being a Stay at Home Mom and never having traveled anywhere?

 

Don't you think she's giving up her life dreams to quick for a guy she's only dated 10 months?

 

Ok, this is sound advice RIGHT here, I speak from this EXACT experience. I gave up a career for someone and I wasn't happy about it when things got rocky I felt resentful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Tripper you nailed it.

 

If we get engaged she will move with me to Charlotte and if we don't she will pursue her individual dreams which include going to the peace corp in africa.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess
Tripper you nailed it.

 

If we get engaged she will move with me to Charlotte and if we don't she will pursue her individual dreams which include going to the peace corp in africa.

 

Wait, so she really HAS given you the "propose or I bail" ultimatum. Do you really want that? To feel so forced or kiss her good bye for two years? That's VERY selfish to use that as a tool.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Of course I don't want that but she says shes giving up some of her dreams to be with me because she loves me. She says that an engagement is the least I could do to show her if I am truly committed.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess
Of course I don't want that but she says shes giving up some of her dreams to be with me because she loves me. She says that an engagement is the least I could do to show her if I am truly committed.

 

Again, she should KNOW you are truly committed reguardless, and that sounds to me like it is leading to potential resentment on her part as was stated earlier. These terms and conditions aren't good.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Tripper you nailed it.

 

If we get engaged she will move with me to Charlotte and if we don't she will pursue her individual dreams which include going to the peace corp in africa.

 

 

Wait, so she really HAS given you the "propose or I bail" ultimatum. Do you really want that? To feel so forced or kiss her good bye for two years? That's VERY selfish to use that as a tool.

 

Alex, Red Flag time!!!

 

You need to rethink this whole thing through. After 10 months she's giving you an ultimatum with a very different result depending on your choice. It's get engaged which presumably leads to a lifelong commitment of marriage or I'm outta here to Africa and getting on with my life??? Where the heck is the middle ground?? If there is any...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Everything you guys are saying makes perfect sense and I know the situation is extremely complicated and maybe even a little unfair. I guess it's just really hard for me because I've been in a decent amount of relationships and I've never met anyone as amazing as her and I love her so much.

 

I'm worried that if I don't go through with it I will resent myself for not taking a chance on what could've been a lifetime of happiness. She has always really wanted to do the whole peace corp thing, but she also has always wanted to get married if she found the one. Well she believes that she has and she is willing to not go to the peace corp and her career for me.

 

I'm worried that if I decide not to go through with it, she moves to Africa, then I realize after some thinking that I made a mistake, that it will be too late.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...