algorejr Posted November 3, 2007 Share Posted November 3, 2007 I have been going out with this girl for 3 yrs now (known her for 5). I proposed almost a year ago, and we were planning to get married. Since the proposal, i've seen behaviour from her that conflicts with the way i think or believe. Shes losing her credibility in my head to be the future mother of my children. If i was to cut off the engagement, and not marry her, she would be devistated. The complications i have seen are mental. She just recently began to cut herself to deal with severe anxiety in her life..as well as now wanting to tattoo herself to make herself feel better (shes 20 by the way, im 24). Shes not mentally stable to take a break up, and i am hanging on to this relationship so that shes more emotionally stable. I feel like she cannot be what i am looking for in a wife and i don't know how to get out. Shes just not marriage material... how do i get out after i've built such strong relationships with her and her family... Link to post Share on other sites
Tyra Posted November 3, 2007 Share Posted November 3, 2007 Just tell her that you are gay, no, I'm just kidding. This is a tough situation because the two of you been together for three years, and she's cutting herself to deal with situations. And you don't want it to be after you tell her that you want out, she committs suicide, God forbid. But you're just seeing this in her,(she's not marriage material) I mean it's been three years, and you known her for five. Link to post Share on other sites
Author algorejr Posted November 4, 2007 Author Share Posted November 4, 2007 Thx Tyra...i shouldn't go for the gay thing..lol...the thing is, when shes being calm and nice, i fall for her all over again..but then i see the cuts in her arm and remember just how bad the situation is. I'm so confused...anyone else have any suggestions???? Link to post Share on other sites
Road Rage Posted November 4, 2007 Share Posted November 4, 2007 Maybe suggest the two of you go for counceling. When the stuff she`s doing come out in the open I would think a therapist would discourage marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 4, 2007 Share Posted November 4, 2007 You need to get her in counseling!!!! Cutting is a very serious issue, and she needs help to stop. I don't think getting married is going to make her get better, actually it will probably just make matters worse. When do you guys plan on getting married? Do you have a date set? You guys are still fairly young, especially her. I suggest you tell her that you love and do want to marry her but are very worried and would like her to talk to someone. Offer to go with her as well. Convince her to get the help she needs!!! Link to post Share on other sites
SmyrnaGirl Posted November 4, 2007 Share Posted November 4, 2007 I agree with everyone else. IDK, she sounds like she's sick and just really needs some help. We all have some issues and it seems like this is hers. If you are in love with her and this is the only obstacle, I think you should tell her you want to help her deal with it and that you want to pause wedding plans so that you two can focusing on her getting better. Link to post Share on other sites
Grrlish Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 I agree with the suggestion that you need to get her to counseling, one way or another. It sounds like this is the only way that she's going to get stronger. Does she realize at all that she has a problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Darkstar1 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Now isn't the time to leave her. That would be cold. Help her get the help she needs. Just because times are tough now, is it a reason to dump her? Man up..... Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 I agree with everything that's been said. Tell her you are concerned for her, and that you want to work on her getting better before you go ahead and get married. You are both very young to be getting married yet anyway - IMO. Then help her to get in some counselling. Even go with her. Once she is stronger and getting the help she needs you can access if you want to move on, or stay around. Link to post Share on other sites
1korkie Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 If you truely think you love her, then stand with her. Seek help. Get her into counseling. Go together. Then, once she gets grounded, reconsider the goals and lifestyles you both seek in your lives. If you choose to further your relationship, go to pre-marital/couples counseling to strengthen it. You may not want to jump in that deep but as a "recovered cutter" I know that the strong hand held out to me was my fiance. If it weren't for having him there for me, supporting me, and helping me to see the reality around me, I don't know where I would be today. I was blessed with his strength and now blessed with an engagement and the promise of a strong marriage and happy family. (oh and I am 20 and He is 24 also) Link to post Share on other sites
Jmina Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I suggest put the marriage on hold until she is recovering. Dont get married yet. but dont leave her either. stand by her and get her to talk about it and open up. does she cut herself then show you? or does she just cut and you see it later? if you are doubting then she will feel it and maybe cutting as a manipulative way to keep you under wraps without even realising it herself. She defenetly thinks abotu you when she cuts and sehs got to know that it upsets you, but she might think its only enough to keep you there for her, not enough to push you away. COUNCELLING . if you guys break up she will blame herself for cutting and pushing you away. and will regret it. just get her some help and tell her what its doing to you. dont let it eat you up and then explode and break up and then tell her why you left her in the end. she will feel angry and hurt that you werent honest with her in the first place. communication first! she might not even realise what she is doing and how it is upsetting you. well she wont realise its upsetting you enough to think about cancelling your future plans. just talk to her. Jmina Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 how do i get out after i've built such strong relationships with her and her family... I'm going to dissent from the rest. It is not your responsibility to get her into counseling. Your responsibility is to yourself. That said, if you felt the desire to try to get her into counseling, that would be preferrable. If she has resorted to cutting before getting help, the counseling thing may be an uphill battle and maybe even impossible for you to do. If I were you, and I wanted to break up with her, I would have a talk with her parents. Let them know your concern for her and tell them that she will need their support and attention in the future. Then do it. You are right to care about her, but her well-being is NOT your obligation... it's your choice. You should not feel that you need to sacrifice your best interest for her best interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I suggest put the marriage on hold until she is recovering. Dont get married yet. but dont leave her either. stand by her and get her to talk about it and open up. I couldn't disagree more. This serves no purpose. You're assuming that she will open up, and people don't just do that. She's not a rational person. Rational people don't cut themselves to deal with stress. And irrational people don't respond to treatment like others do. He could spend years trying trying to "get her to open up" and in the end, it would only be delaying the inevitable. I see families spend years trying to get their loved ones to get treatment for cutting, and it just hardly ever happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 You may not want to jump in that deep but as a "recovered cutter" I know that the strong hand held out to me was my fiance. Congrats. You're an exception. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 First thing's first, you can see she doesn't have the qualities or the character you are looking for as a life partner; this will not change, happy and healthy or unstable and sick, she is still essentially the same person and you are setting yourself up for a life of misery if you marry out of pity. You are not her priest or her doctor but even if you don't want to marry her you are, I presume, her friend and it is for this reason I would agree to try (try being the operative word here) to get her to see she needs help. You will find yourself in a co-dependent, unhealthy and unfullfilling relationship if you think you can stick around long-term when you don't want her as the mother of your children or you will find yourself sucked into feeling responsible to the point where you say "I do" when 'you don't'. Break up with her and get the family and friends that you refer to to step up to bat. There is no good moment to break up a relationship and even less so with someone that is emotionally unstable. You are not responsible for her well being. Save yourself now! Link to post Share on other sites
Jmina Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Krytie TV So far the reasons algorejr has given us for him to doubt the marriage are ones that can be fixed. If algorejr is in love and his partner is in love with him then why not work through it together? They could still have a wonderful future together. If you continue to run away from the ones you love most when they are going through a really hard time you will never stay with anyone! If algorejr does not love her enough to stay and work out the problems then i suggest he does what is right for his future and if that means leave then do so, because he will probably leave anyway if the love he feels is not enough in the end. I know that if i was going through a very hard time in my life and my partner stuck by me simply because he loved me too much to leave then i would know how strong our love truly is and is what keeps us together. Also i know that if my partner was going through the same i would stick by him - forever. I think the real fact here is do you love her enough no matter what she is going through to stay?? maybe you just cant handle it at this point which means maybe your not meant for each other anyway. It sounds like there might be some deeper issues. If there isnt, then i would say do what feels right for you. if you want to stick at it but your finding it hard then get help, if you truly feel that it isnt right for you then take those steps. if you make the wrong decision you will end up regretting it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I don't think if you truly loved her you would consider leaving her over this honestly. You would make more of an effort to get her help and see if she can change first. Link to post Share on other sites
4whatItsWorth Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 I don't think if you truly loved her you would consider leaving her over this honestly. You would make more of an effort to get her help and see if she can change first. Ditto...that's what I felt when reading the first post too. However, it is your life to make and only you can choose how to live it and with whom to live it with. Link to post Share on other sites
katiebour Posted December 1, 2007 Share Posted December 1, 2007 I have been going out with this girl for 3 yrs now (known her for 5). I proposed almost a year ago, and we were planning to get married. Since the proposal, i've seen behaviour from her that conflicts with the way i think or believe. Shes losing her credibility in my head to be the future mother of my children. Why did you propose to this girl in the first place if you were not prepared to stand by her? C'mon, we all know the traditional wedding vows- "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health." To propose to someone you have known for a long time, care about, presumably love, and then to want to get out simply because you have hit "for worse/in sickness..." Do you think that married life has no pitfalls? I see a distinct lack of follow-through in your committment to this girl. You are both very young and this is of course a lot to deal with. Only you can decide if you still love this girl, and if you would be willing to stand by her through this time in her life or whether you simply want to run. Shame on you for offering a lifetime committment that you didn't intend to keep. If i was to cut off the engagement, and not marry her, she would be devistated. The complications i have seen are mental. She just recently began to cut herself to deal with severe anxiety in her life..as well as now wanting to tattoo herself to make herself feel better (shes 20 by the way, im 24). Shes not mentally stable to take a break up, and i am hanging on to this relationship so that shes more emotionally stable. A few thoughts here- 1. She needs help. You don't neccessarily have to be the one to provide it- let her family know the kind of difficulties that she is experiencing. If you are planning to leave her over this, bring her family in as her support and make sure that they are watching her, taking care of her, possibly even escorting her to a mental health facility where she can be treated for the cutting and watched for suicide attempts post-breakup. I'd say this is almost a case where you'd let the family know about the breakup before you tell her, so that they can be there for her. What's wrong with tattoos? I feel like she cannot be what i am looking for in a wife and i don't know how to get out. Shes just not marriage material... What do you consider "marriage material?" Be very careful here with these sweeping judgements. Every person has their problems and difficulties. Many people here have blissfully and ignorantly signed on to marriage with someone who turned out to be completely psychotic, controlling, abusive, alcoholic/drug-abusing, or any other host of horrible problems. I guess my point here is that you pick your battles. Is having a partner who is sick and needs help such a horrible thing? What if the next person you meet, fall in love with, happily give a "marriage material" sticker of approval to, propose, and marry turns out to be abusive or adulterous? There are no guarantees in life and a person who is "marriage material" at one point may change due to circumstances and suddenly become the axe murderer you've already married. how do i get out after i've built such strong relationships with her and her family... Let's call a spade a spade. You're young, she's young, this is one of your first relationships, and you went into it thinking that everything would be wonderful forever. Now you've hit one of your first serious issues and your automatic response is to run away as far as you can, as fast as you can. After all, there are so many people out there who don't have these problems, right? (Although they all have various hidden problems of their own.) Maybe you gave the ring and the committment after watching too many Disney movies and you thought that it would end "happily ever after." You have the choice to leave. But if you choose to do so, then face up to the fact that it's your own shallow and callow nature that's making an insurmountable problem out of this. Honestly if you can't see yourself staying then I would bring her family into it and leave her safely in their care, because she deserves someone who means what they say when they give a ring and a committment. Link to post Share on other sites
Rachel_0814p Posted December 2, 2007 Share Posted December 2, 2007 I fully disagree that its your responsibility to see her through this just because you proposed. When you proposed, she was showing you her best side. Only now the rest is starting to come out and she's not at all who you thought she was. She needs help, but she needs to initiate getting that help and then she needs to committ herself to following through with therapy until she's better. This may take YEARS. She may NEVER get better. I say, break off the engagement, tell her family EVERYTHING, and get the hell out. You said it yourself, you don't want to marry her. Follow your intuition and end the romantic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted December 2, 2007 Share Posted December 2, 2007 It would be nice if there was enough to work with to hang in there and get her some help. It would be the "right" thing to do. However, that may be the case. OP, don't give in to emotional blackmail because that's what threats of self-harm are and you'll be the one most miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted December 2, 2007 Share Posted December 2, 2007 I have been going out with this girl for 3 yrs now (known her for 5). I proposed almost a year ago, and we were planning to get married. Since the proposal, i've seen behaviour from her that conflicts with the way i think or believe. Shes losing her credibility in my head to be the future mother of my children. If i was to cut off the engagement, and not marry her, she would be devistated. The complications i have seen are mental. She just recently began to cut herself to deal with severe anxiety in her life..as well as now wanting to tattoo herself to make herself feel better (shes 20 by the way, im 24). Shes not mentally stable to take a break up, and i am hanging on to this relationship so that shes more emotionally stable. I feel like she cannot be what i am looking for in a wife and i don't know how to get out. Shes just not marriage material... how do i get out after i've built such strong relationships with her and her family... So you're just going to ditch her, huh? She is mentally off at the moment and all you can think about is running from her? No offense, but your actions and thoughts are cowardly. You are engaged to this woman - surely there was something about her that you loved...what happened to that love? I think she's better off without someone like you in her life. What's to say you won't leave her after you get married...if she becomes "too much". Rather than trying to get her help you are trying to find ways to dump her? My God, since when did relationships become so friggin' disposable? Clearly that ring and that promise of something more meant nothing to you. She is a person. This is not some mechanical, business exchange you entered. She is not a cow to be traded at will. I think you should think long and hard about your commitment to the relationship and your suitability as a potential husband. Try to honour the promise you made her. Try to help her through this - and if you can't...well she's better off without you. Then again, if she refuses your help, there's not much you can do. But at the least, you need to try to help her get through this...put the wedding on hold and get her some help! Link to post Share on other sites
Rachel_0814p Posted December 4, 2007 Share Posted December 4, 2007 It would be nice if there was enough to work with to hang in there and get her some help. It would be the "right" thing to do. However, that may be the case. OP, don't give in to emotional blackmail because that's what threats of self-harm are and you'll be the one most miserable. Emotional blackmail is exactly what you're dealing with, whether or not she and/or her family intend it to be blackmail. Everyone here telling you that you owe it to your fiance to see her through this is looking at her as if she's a victim of mental illness. What if she's not a victim of mental illness at all, but a manipulator of mental illness? I've known PLENTY of these kinds of manipulators over the years. They'll do anything to get your sympathy and then they suck you emotionally dry while you try to "be there for them". Self-mutilation does exist as a serious mental illness, but TRUE cutters rarely "accidentally" reveal their scars. For the most part, cutting is a very private thing for them and they'll do everything they can not to get caught, including cutting in areas that will never see the light of day and hiding any sign of depression. True cutters also typically tend to be adolescent or teenaged girls. The reason I'm telling you to ditch her is because I've known far too many saps who've lazily wallowed in depression and then used cutting solely as a way of getting attention after they read an article on Angelina Jolie being a cutter from several years back. These kinds of people are called "pseudo cutters". It's hard for me to take an adult who suddenly develops a cutting habit seriously. After suffering years of depression myself, I just don't have much patience for grown people who cut themselves and cry about it. It actually infuriates me that they exaggerate or even fake the extent of their depression just for attention. So, what do you think your fiance is? Do you think she's a real cutter with serious mental illness, or do you think she's just wallowing in a depression and is exaggerating it with superficial cutting for dramatic's sake?? (BTW, 20 is a bit young for her to be getting married anyway. She's still got a lot of growing up to do. Even at 24, I'd caution you to wait until your 25 or 26...a lot can change in that year or two.) Link to post Share on other sites
gwennebe Posted December 4, 2007 Share Posted December 4, 2007 Hi. I know I don't post often on here anymore but I just had to give my opinion to this thread. I am also a former "cutter" I did it off and on for 10 years. I still have urges to this day and I only recently have been off again for about 6 months. My point is I think you should stand by her right now. This type of behavior usually starts in the late teens and ends by the 30's. I went to therapy and it really did help me quite a bit. I was lucky enough to find a therapist that used to be "cutter" herself and being able to talk about it to someone that actually understood exactly how I felt made all of the difference. If you don't do it you have no idea what your fiance is going through or feeling. I seriously doubt she will be acting like this forever, however for now I think you should help her get some help. My fiance went to therapy a few times with me so he could better understand how to help me help myself. Knowing that he was a strong enough person to stand by me in a rough patch made me love him even more. Just to warn you also, if you do dump her because of what she is going through right now remember you may regret it. What if she starts to feel better six months down the road and you realize you made a mistake and she won't trust you enough to give you another chance?? This happened to my ex. He dumped me for cutting and then realized it was stupid and that he should've toughed it out and by then I wanted nothing to do with him because I figured if he couldn't love me at my worst he didn't deserve me at my best. You of course have to do what is right for YOU but just think it through before you make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 4, 2007 Share Posted December 4, 2007 Maybe suggest the two of you go for counceling. When the stuff she`s doing come out in the open I would think a therapist would discourage marriage. Excellent advice and it gives you time to reset your life w/o her. Link to post Share on other sites
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