Engaged to a lady in crisis...

[arust029]

This topic is a difficult one to bring up, but i really need some input.

 

I am engaged to a beautiful girl who i've known for 6 years. She has been batteling a bad childhood, with abuse and abandonment. She is therefore a little unstable with her emotions when it comes to certain things. She is also on medication for depression and moodswings.

 

Heres the issue. We got engaged in early 2006, and wanting to get married soon. The last two weeks though have been hell. She is suffering quite badly with her identity. She is adopted but is getting closer with her mother and sisters (the blood related ones). She has found that her adoptive family has been ignoring her being part of the family.

 

In the last two weeks she has swirled in a deep depression. She has tried talking to her family (both adoptive and not) and still has no improvement. Its getting so bad, that she has admitted to me that she has been cutting herself to relieve the pain (a habbit she had in her early teens). She has also told me several times that she feels like a hollow person with nothing to live for and that she just wants to dissapear. I do want to stress though, that she is not suicidal..only very depressed.

 

When i ask her what the problem is, she mentions that she can't seem to find a fit in any of her family(ies) and that living so far from the city (her adoptive family moved 35 mins away from the city) was depressing her and that she hated the new place shes at. Living with me isnt an option at this point, as i live with my brother and he wont allow it. Another reason is that my mother (also suffering from a new mental illness) is not approving our union and is doing whatever she can to break us off.

 

The scary thing is, were supposed to marry soon, with little support from my family. Her state of mind is scaring me. I love her so much but this depression has caused her to put on a lot of weight, to talk me down from helping her (resulting in arguments), and we no longer get along very well to overcome this. I don't know what to do. I don't want to postpone getting married (which should happen in the next 3 months) but i really dont think shes ready to be the mother of my children while living in pain and afflicting wounds on herself. I'm trying to get her help, but we cant really afford it. Contrary to this, i've lived a very sheltered spoiled life, and im incredibly happy. I know my purpose in life and my goals are straighforward and i find myself successful at it. Were polar opposites at this point.

 

Im so so confused...any thoughts?

[Lauriebell82]

That sounds like a difficult situation. I'm sorry you are going through this. As much as this may hurt, I think you need to postpone the wedding. Your fiance needs help, professional help. You said you couldn't afford it, do you not have health insurance? Maybe you could go to a free clinic and try to get some help there. It sounds like she may even need to be hospitalized. I'm a counselor so I know that there are ways to get around the no health insurance deal. If she is cutting she needs help! You mentioned that you know she isn't suicidal. Well cutting is a step towards it. You need to get her some kind of treatment before this goes any further. I doubt marrying her will make her any better, actually it will probably make matters much worse.

 

I hope that this was helpful, I know this must be difficult for you.

[norajane]

I don't want to postpone getting married (which should happen in the next 3 months) but i really dont think shes ready to be the mother of my children while living in pain and afflicting wounds on herself.

 

You have that 100% right. She is NO condition to start a family!

I know my purpose in life and my goals are straighforward and i find myself successful at it. Were polar opposites at this point.

 

And this is why I'm also suggesting that you do postpone the wedding. It's fine for you to know you want to get married and be with her...but does she really have any clarity about herself and her life right now?? This girl doesn't even know who she is and has some serious emotional problems - what makes you think she is in any condition to make a lifetime commitment? She shouldn't be making any big decisions in her life right now.

 

Her state of mind is scaring me.

 

And it should! She needs the help of a professional. Cutting is a sign of something very serious going on with her, and she isn't just going to get over it on her own.

 

How old is she? If she's under 18, or is a college student, she should be covered under her parents' health coverage. Get her to a doctor now!

 

If nothing else, call a crisis center or a cutter's hotline, and find out where she can get help at a low cost.

[dropdeadlegs]

Sorry, but I'm for postponing the marriage, as well. Your GF/fiancee' needs to sort through her issues before marriage. I can't stress that enough.

 

Marriage is tough. It is far tougher when one party has emotional issues. You will almost certainly become bitter about her problems, because they WILL affect your marriage. I understand that you might not see this, but it will happen.

 

Postpone, not necessarily cancel, the nuptials. Free mental health care is almost universal in the US. If you had PM capabilities I could find them for you myself.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Sounds like a classic case of teenager.

[ashelygirl]

Sounds like your fiancé needs serious psychological help. You should not get married and postpone the wedding. Move it to another date. You don’t have to break up. Make sure that she gets the help she needs and try to talk to her family about the situation. The only way you can have a healthy marriage is if both of you are healthy mentally and physically.