wtdwtd Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Marrying in a few months and fiance has a teenage son from his previous marriage. I don't have any kids. What's the protocal? Should he be involved in our wedding? We wanted a small bridal party with just adults--can we just invite him to the wedding? I don't really have a relationship with the son and it feels kind of awkward putting him in a central part of our wedding day--we really wanted close adult friends/family. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 What does your fiance/his dad want to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtdwtd Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Fiance hasn't said anything--only that he wants an adult bridal party Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Fiance hasn't said anything--only that he wants an adult bridal party I have much to say on this, and experience with this but you didn't ask so I'll keep it to myself. Instead I will ask you this: Why the question if you have no relationship with the stepson and his father doesn't seem to want him included? Where's the problem/issue for you? (Trying SO hard to not say what I really think of this....GRRRR) Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtdwtd Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 I would honestly like to know your opinion--I've never been involved with anyone with children before and now I'm marrying someone with a teenager---just wanted to know from others' experience/feelings/input. I've never been married before. Thanks. It's very much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Ok, well first would you answer my question? Is this bothering you? Why is it a problem since he seems to not want his own kid there? I'm just asking. Seems like you have a little inkling that something is not right here. Why have you not gotten to know his son? Is he not around his Dad much? This would be a big, big red flag to me. My situation is that I was married once before with a step daughter who did attend our small wedding. She was the only child there (14 at the time.) With my current H, my stepson attended our wedding and it was never even a consideration that he woulnd't. To be quite honest about it, my preference (in both cases) would have been to just elope and not have any family at all involved BUT I respected the relaltionship that both my ex and my H has with their kids. And I did want to start the marriage off right. After all, after the marriage, we all became a family. It really concerns me that your fiance' has no feelings about this one way or the other. I would certainly not be in a hurry to have kids with a man like that myself. So what's the story here? And why haven't you really talked about this with the man you're about to marry? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 If you don't want him in your wedding, and your fiance wants an all adult bridal party, and something tells me that the son himself probably doesn't want to be up there with you, then I'm not sure what the problem is. Is someone trying to pressure you into including him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtdwtd Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Fiance invited his son to the wedding since Day One and he's coming--I was simply asking is it necessary to have him involved in our bridal party (we're only having adult groomsmen and bridesmaids)....also son lives on the other coast. thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 No, it isn't necessary. Would the son even want to be part of it? Is he under some impression that he would be? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Fiance invited his son to the wedding since Day One and he's coming--I was simply asking is it necessary to have him involved in our bridal party (we're only having adult groomsmen and bridesmaids)....also son lives on the other coast. thanks. In my opinion, it would be wrong not to include him. He's his SON for crying out loud - not just any relative. I think it would always be something that would deep down bother his son. I don't get why your fiance' doesn't have strong feelings about this. But then, I've only been married with two men with kids and they both had JOINT custody of their children. Neither one of them would ever live away from their kids. Anyway, that's what I think. Says a lot about his character in my book. I'm sorry, but you did ask and I'm being honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 No, it isn't necessary. Would the son even want to be part of it? Is he under some impression that he would be? Most teenaged boys would never admit to something like this, in my opinion. But I think he'd be deeply wounded if he didn't have an important position in the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtdwtd Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Most teenaged boys would never admit to something like this, in my opinion. But I think he'd be deeply wounded if he didn't have an important position in the wedding. Do men believe this posting above is an accurate reflection of son's feelings?-- The son seemed pleased when we invited him and never said anything more--he has a rebellious nature, listens to "more money, more bitches''-type rap lyrics and doesn't seem like the kind of teenager who'd like to dress up in a tux,look pretty and pray before God in a church (fiance and I are religious, stepson's mom raised him with no religion and alot of animosity toward our Church--he's made obvious comments he's no fan of our Church) Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Do men believe this posting above is an accurate reflection of son's feelings?-- The son seemed pleased when we invited him and never said anything more--he has a rebellious nature, listens to "more money, more bitches''-type rap lyrics and doesn't seem like the kind of teenager who'd like to dress up in a tux,look pretty and pray before God in a church (fiance and I are religious, stepson's mom raised him with no religion and alot of animosity toward our Church--he's made obvious comments he's no fan of our Church) What religion are you? Could the stepson be rebellious because he doesn't have a very good relationship with his Dad? I can't imagine a parent excluding their kids from their wedding. Would it have bothered you as a teenager to be excluded from one of your parents wedding? I think your guests will be talking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 The son seemed pleased when we invited him and never said anything more--he has a rebellious nature, listens to "more money, more bitches''-type rap lyrics and doesn't seem like the kind of teenager who'd like to dress up in a tux,look pretty and pray before God in a church (fiance and I are religious, stepson's mom raised him with no religion and alot of animosity toward our Church--he's made obvious comments he's no fan of our Church) He might surprise you and agree, in ostentatiously surly fashion, to do the tux/prayers thing. Rebellious teenagers can be quite intimidating, but I think they often appreciate being included in family stuff more than they let on. Or if they don't appreciate it, they at least appreciate being extended the opportunity to refuse to participate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wtdwtd Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Stepson's mom was remarried recently and NEVER invited her own son to the civil ceremony!!! Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Stepson's mom was remarried recently and NEVER invited her own son to the civil ceremony!!! Wow. All I can say is that under those circumstances I'd be even more anxious to give him the opportunity to be included in your wedding....and however rebellious and sullen his demeanour might be, I'd be making it clear to him that he was very much wanted and welcome at the event. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Poor kid. If I had two parent's like these two, I'd be rebellious and listening to gangsta music too I think. Lindya, well said. WTD, why not be the bigger person in all of this and do the right thing...even if the poor son's parents never seemed to be able to get it right. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 A wedding is a time for family. There is always something a 14 year old could do to feel involved and important. All of our children were at the alter. His daughter and my two daughters were the maids of honor. My son gave me away. His father was best man and his two sons accompanied my daughters up to the alter. (All are adults except his 12 year old son). IT WAS PERFECT. OF COURSE THAT YOUNG MAN SHOULD BE INCLUDED! Link to post Share on other sites
magenificent Posted November 4, 2007 Share Posted November 4, 2007 Teenagers typically have a hard, crunchy shell but a gooey middle. You are gaining a son. True, you haven't raised him to this point, but from this point on, he is your son, your family. You don't have to mimic the relationship your husband has with him. Forget your husband for a minute: if someone knocked on your door and said "you have a son! he's been raised by someone else, but he's yours now, too!" would this wedding issue be such a dillema for you? I am assuming you don't want to step on your husband's toes, but if you are going to be his wife, step fully into those shoes and see this boy for what he is to YOU: a son. If your husband had a dog and forgot to feed it, would you step in and give it some food, or would you wait until your husband came home and told you it was okay? Feed that boy some love!! I speak as someone whose father has remarried since my mother. My relationship with my father has always been spotty at best (he's simply very absent), but the woman he's married is kind and strong enough to welcome me with open arms. I respect her so much for doing so, and so does my dad. I think he actually appreciates that she can pick up some of the slack where he obviously lacks skill as a parent. She doesn't do much, either; she just makes sure to keep in contact, etc. They actually DID elope to Reno, but they invited me. There was no bridal party but they made it clear to me that I was definitely a part of it, as we are all family. As a teenager, I was fairly anti-religion, too. If my dad had gotten married in a church, and had invited me to get all dressed up and be a part of the ceremony in SOME way, even if just a small way, I would have appreciated it. If there is a troubled relationship between your husband and his son, you will automatically play a part in that as his wife. You can choose to check out, or to try to be as loving as possible. If you show this boy nothing but love & kindness and expect NOTHING in return, you may find you can develop a good relationship with him. I think that would be your best decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted November 4, 2007 Share Posted November 4, 2007 What a wonderful post. As a step-mom who has always tried to do the best by my step-son, I really appreciate what you said. You're so right on all of it. I hope that the OP hears you. Link to post Share on other sites
1korkie Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 What I don't understand is why people wouldn't involve their child in such a huge life changing event? I was raised in a family where children took presidence. What does the step son think of this? Does he want to get involved? Have you taken the time to try to get to know him and get his feelings on the situation at hand? I would recommend it if you don't want any resentment. What if you dont include him and then, one day, he thinks well dad didn't involve me and doesn't invite his father to his own wedding? Or he blames you? I would consider the boy's feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Yes he should be a part of it. My 3 year old step son stood with his father and I through the whole of the civil ceremony. He now proudly states that he 'got married with Daddy and LK!!' This child is now part of your family and life for the rest of your life. Why not make him welcome now by making him a bit part of your day. It won't take away thing from either of you to do so. But it might gain you both a whole lot.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Marrying in a few months and fiance has a teenage son from his previous marriage. I don't have any kids. What's the protocal? Should he be involved in our wedding? We wanted a small bridal party with just adults--can we just invite him to the wedding? I don't really have a relationship with the son and it feels kind of awkward putting him in a central part of our wedding day--we really wanted close adult friends/family. It's protocol... Of course you HAVE to include him... imagine how he will feel if he is exclude from such an important stage in his dad's life. This question shouldn't even been asked? He is part of your life now, whether you want it or not. He should be close enough to his dad .. bizarre that you even consider excluding him... Link to post Share on other sites
JA2 Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 I'm surprised you would even ask such a question. Of course he should be a part of the wedding, a big part because he's the son. You should be Reaching out to him, make him feel like family. I would think you would want to encourage your fiance to be closer to his son. Just reading your post, makes me want to reach out to him. It seems like he's gone through a lot. and You'd have to do is include him in your life, make him feel important. I just can't believe you would even think of not including him cause you only want "adults in the wedding party". Link to post Share on other sites
Rachel_0814p Posted December 4, 2007 Share Posted December 4, 2007 Stepson's mom was remarried recently and NEVER invited her own son to the civil ceremony!!! That's sad that she excluded him. Is this why you're wondering if he should be invited to be in your bridal party??? First of all, being religious or non-religious...that doesn't make a difference in this situation. This issue is about family interaction! My advice is to make the suggestion in front of him and his dad that he be an usher. Then see how he responds. If he's happy to do it, then he's been included in the wedding. If he'd rather not do it, or if he hos and hums about it at all, let him off the hook by telling him you can have someone else do those honors and he can just attend as a guest. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts