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cold feet?


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I am new here....I really need advice and feel desperate at this point. Here's my story. I am engaged and living with my fiance. He is a wonderful person....I can't imagine anyone being more sweet, sensitive and thoughtful. We have been together for 1 year and 8 months. We got engaged at 1 year. Before him I was in a relationship for 4 years...that guy was a jerk and refused to grow up and make a commitment. So, here is the problem.

 

This might sound materialistic and all...but it is the truth. I am very successful at this point in my life and very attractive and very young...I have a bright future ahead of me...that keeps getting better and better. This was all accomplished through my hard work. I grew up really poor. My fiance has a good job but it is not steady and I feel that he misled me to believe that he was in a much better financial situation. I don't why he did that...maybe because of insecurity. In a couple of years, I am going to be making 3X what he makes easily. I don't mind being the breadwinner but I also want to be a mom and maybe work part time to take care of the kids. But I know that I won't have the luxuries I want if I choose to do that.

 

My mom was always the breadwinner in my family and it caused a lot of problems in my family life because my dad always felt insecure and was getting laid off all the time. I was handed off to my grandparents at a couple of months old because my mom had to work and go to school and could not take care of me. I feel like these insecurties still linger in my life to this day.

 

I am not saying that I want a man to take care of me but I want someone who is my equal. Financial problems are no 1 reason for divorce. And I don't want a divorce if I can help it. I don't know what to do....I am in such a bad situation because my fiance is such a nice guy but I wish he would be more steady in his career and more successful. Also, he is 10 years older than me. He should be at his prime right now. What should I do?

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I had to overcome kind of the same issue in my relationship. I do not know your career, but I am a lawyer. I have been one for a few years and my dad is one too. My husband is six years older than me and is a consultant with an MBA working for a large firm here in Illinois. I make more than 2x what he makes. He is not insecure and I love him for the man he is, not what he does.

 

We had couple’s therapy to help us work out our issues. I got over my issue by sitting down with him and telling him the truth about how I felt and what I needed. He told me what he needed and we met somewhere in the middle. Keep in mind that you have to be realistic and not selfish. This after all is the man you love and in your words is “a wonderful person”.

 

It seems to me like you don’t want to marry your father. Does your fiancé feel insecure about how much money you are going to be making? It is very important to talk about this. Do you work and do you make more than him now? What do you mean by steady job and more successful? Does your fiancé lose or changes jobs often? By often I mean every 3-6 months?

 

How does your mom feel about him? Does he remind her of your father? What do your friends think?

 

I think you should find some couples therapy to help. It really helped me and got me over my cold feet. We went every week for several weeks. Also sit down and have a serious but loving conversation about your expectations. Don’t forget his. You could also have some problems coping with insecurities about your past, so perhaps you could use some advice or help.

 

Its true financial problems are a big reason for divorce, but understand that’s exactly what it means, “financial problems”. Being wealthy or comfortable and having financial problems are two different things. Life and love is about sacrifices. I had to sacrifice when I decided to get pregnant with my first child and we could not have everything we wanted but we had everything we needed. I can not imagine my life without my husband and my baby.

 

Remember you got engaged after one year, so it sounds like a very special love. Don’t throw that away.

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I am a resident right now and will be finishing my training soon which means my income is going to go through the roof. My fiancee works as an IT consultant doing contract work for the government. He wants to get ahead but the IT field is pretty bad right now with the outsourcing problem. And it seems that the opportunities for him to get ahead are dwindling. My mom does not want me to marry him because she thinks that I can do much better. We have been to couples therapy but our therapist closed her practice. I also feel bad when talking about these issues with him because it hurts him.

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The tone of your post has changed. I apologize but now you are sounding very materialistic. It’s a shame and it sounds strange that your therapist left you guys up in the air. Sounds to me like you are with him because he is a nice guy and has a good job, but on the other hand you and your mother are not impressed by him. You both seem to be just focused on what he does for work and how much he makes.

 

It’s a good thing that you are successful and motivated. The medical field is very difficult. If you desire, you should be with someone at your level of education and that makes the same amount of money that you do. You also have to realize few men are at that level (that are good looking, young, available, no kids, etc), and probably less are as loving and caring as your fiancé. Life and love is a balance. You give up certain things to gain others. It seems like the scales are tipped against your fiancé.

 

I think you feel bad when talking to your fiancé because you are not being honest. I think he feels bad because he probably knows you are not being honest with him or yourself. Stop hurting him and be honest. It’s going to hurt because it sounds like he really loves you. I believe that you don’t have cold feet. I think you decided about your relationship but just don’t want to go through with your decision.

 

You should find someone else for couple’s therapy and perhaps they could change your point of view or just abandon the relationship all together and live the life that you want to live with no regrets.

 

Good luck!

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I am a resident right now and will be finishing my training soon which means my income is going to go through the roof. My fiancee works as an IT consultant doing contract work for the government. He wants to get ahead but the IT field is pretty bad right now with the outsourcing problem. And it seems that the opportunities for him to get ahead are dwindling. My mom does not want me to marry him because she thinks that I can do much better. We have been to couples therapy but our therapist closed her practice. I also feel bad when talking about these issues with him because it hurts him.

 

Hmmm... what kind of luxuries do you need? Gold plated ferraris? Million dollar houses?

 

Poeple have financial issues in marriage because of what the spend, not as much what they make. Remember that you have your mom in your ear... and her only experience may not fit your situation perfectly!

 

I'd sit down and take a very strong look inside yourself and think just how materialistic are you? What kind of lifestyle is acceptable to you?

 

I'm going to be honest and say that any guy who knows your with him just because he makes $$$ wont respect you. I know I wouldnt.

 

I understand that because of your childhood you have some insecurities. Getting over that will take work and personal growth.

 

Is this guy worth the effort to you?

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I hope you take these questions in the spirit intended, which is not to offend, but to help you think this through.

 

Do you, somewhere deep down, believe you are better than your fiance?

 

Some of your comments make me think you might, and here's what I mean. By your own description, you are very successful and very attractive and very young. I'm sure your fiance finds you attractive, realizes you're successful, and knows you're young. So why is it important to you that we, anonymous readers, know these things about you, unless it is because you are setting up a comparison to your fiance? And if you are setting up a comparison to your fiance, why?

 

If you at some level do think you could "do better" or that you are somehow better than your fiance, I think you are both in for a very rough ride if you get married.

 

I think this goes pretty far beyond the fact that you make more money than him. I make more money than my BF, but I don't really care. I'm with my boyfriend for who he is, not how much he makes. And vice versa.

 

So what do you think?

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Triaa-- wow, it sounds like that story is about the same as mine. I was engaged after a year and a half to my boyfriend that I lived with. When we got together I was in my last year of law school and during our relationship I graduated and started working at a law firm that paid well etc. He is a bank manager and his salary is not that great; he doesn't have a college degree, either. I knew this from the beginning but I didn't care -- I was the first person in my family to go to college and I know a LOT of people who don't have degrees or glamorous jobs so I thought I cared more about the person than the education/ career.

 

But after we got engaged, I started to have so many doubts. I had only been working for about half a year and my job was really starting to kick off -- I was feeling so ambitious, working late hours and weekends, and meeting other "successful" people at work who had amazing talents, hobbies, community interests, etc. My fiance was trying to focus on planning our wedding and he felt me drifting and didn't know how to handle it. He wanted me to want what he wanted, which was to start our marriage like I'd said I'd wanted to do, but I suddenly wanted him to finish his degree, get a better job, be more ambitious, and take up more productive hobbies than playing video games and watching football. He hadn't changed... I had.. and part of it was that I'm scared of marriage in general (my parents have a horrible marriage I have no idea why they stay in), and part of it was that I was just coming to know more about myself and blossoming in new ways that I thought he couldn't understand, appreciate, or encourage.

 

I thought I had "cold feet" but it didn't go away and I left. This was like 9 months ago that I broke off the engagement and I miss him every day. He was my best friend and he would listen to me babble without ever being impatient, he helped me study for the Bar Exam and never cared when I got grumpy out of frustration, he made me laugh, he made me DINNER when I would come home late from work, I could tell him ANYTHING and he would never judge me or stop loving me because he loved who I was and he loved being with me, he was my movie-watching partner and my ski buddy and my travel companion and the co-owner of my dog who loved him to death... it was only after I cut him out of my new exciting career life that I realized how much I loved him and how good he was to me. I haven't been able to find the same kind of stability, comfort and loyalness in a relationship and I don't think I ever will.

 

Not every case is the same... I do think people grow apart and it is better to find out BEFORE marriage than afterwards. Listen to your concerns but I would at least urge counseling together, because if I had done that with my ex-fiance, I think we would have still been together. I would have realized that we are different in some respects but the relationship should have meant more to me than anything else in the world, including my job and my new-found hobbies and friends etc. Good luck. :)

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If your fiancee has been in the industry for 10 years, all he needs to do is go to work for one of those Indian offshores in sales or as an engagement manager and he'll blow past your salary in less time than it will take you to find a new guy.

 

Infosys, TCS, Wipro, Satyam...they all have many offices in the US, and they like to hire Americans because they may be perfectly able to do the tech stuff, but they need Americans to help them sell their outsourcing services, and manage the projects and the clients here in the US. And they pay very, very well for it, too. Your fiancee just needs to start thinking outside the box.

 

That's neither here nor there, however. If money is your primary concern, then you don't love this guy enough to marry him. Break off your engagement and let him find someone who appreciates him for who he is regardless of earning power or his future earning potential.

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