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Odd regarding engement and wedding planning


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Old 15th June 2007, 2:22 PM   #1
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Thumbs down Odd regarding engement and wedding planning

I was wondering if anyones fiance helped in organizing the wedding. My man feels as though that it is up to me to organize everything. Soon as he proposed to me he said to me "now you can organize the wedding". When he said that i felt quite insulted, like as if its me who is the only on who wanted to get married and i forced him. He has more relos on his side like 100 and he is athiest and i am catholic and have few relatives.

I mean i did nag him for a few months about getting married (we were together for 5 years and living together) and then i thought whats the point and stopped nagging him about it. Then out of the blue 2 weeks before i started my new job, he was in some kind of rush to get engaged?

It was really rushed like it had to happen now or something bad was gonna happen. Like he took me shopping and kept asking me what jewlery i liked and told me to look at the jewlers windows and to tell him what i would like to wear in terms of ring styles. So i pointed them out (ohh i like that one.. nah thats too expensive) and then he pulls me into the shop and says that engagement ring suits you and i said yes it looks nice for an engagement ring but its too big. (Diamond stands on a crown and diamonds all around costing him $1000. I tried it on and then he says im buying it for you. Im like what, what is the rush? And hes like but im not going to propose to you now. So i said ok buy it if you want to, but you dont have too, and you can buy a ring thats a little cheaper? And says no its an engament ring . Im like ok , dont break your budget for it ?

Then a week later he proposes to me in a restaurant that wasnt really romantic. Just a mexican restaurant that we go to on special ocassions nothing flashy. And he proposes. I say yes. And now he says its up to me to organize it.

So im like ok. Its been 2 years and i havent organized the wedding because.

1.He keeps telling me in all of our relationship time is that "he dosent care anymore about life. about anything. And then he proposes to me ? wtf ?

2. He constantly ignores me the entire relationship. (why did he propse to me ? )

3. He acts like i am the live in housewife without a marriage certificate. I do all the washing and cleaning and cooking, while he goes to work and come home and play games all night. (im not his wife yet)

4. He has been physically abusive towards me. And verbally abusive.

5. We dont even talk (friends online is more important than how i am feeling). The only thing we talk about is his computer game or the dog.
Cant hold a converstation that lasts longer than 2 min.

6. If i had to choose a wedding song that is "our" song. We dont have one ?

7. We dont go out anymore. Sat and sundays is just staying at home playing computer games. (because he says he has nothing better to do ? Ok lets have sex ? NO im to tired i came back from work) But when i was working i had to put out, when i wanted it or not other wise he will nag me about and stay home the next day from work.

8. sex life is once every two months and if im lucky i might get to have sex when i feel like it. (Hardly ever)

9. We dont have money because any money that what we get that is saved, he spends it on usless things like a plasma TV or something similar.
Even when i was working the money went to useless crap all the time. Always broke even though the sum of our income was 89k.

10. He wants to have kids. But the way we are going, i know i will be the one looking after the child. He dosent even look after his dog. I look after the dog. And i dont really want kids. But will have one if he really wants one. And he keeps nagging me about kids. Look we arent married. Im a catholic.

11. Expects me to stay at his parents house for 3 days and he cant do that with my family.

12. He needs to fix his teeth. They are all damaged because he refuses to go to the dentist. Now he needs dentures they are that bad. And he dosent even do that for him self.

Why am i with him ? I have talked about all of this to him, but it changes for 1 week and back its to the same crap all over again. Sigh.

I ask him why did you propose to me if you really to give a dam about life and anything in general. And why am i still here ? And hes like "I dunno"

Sigh
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Old 15th June 2007, 3:40 PM   #2
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Edit: GET OUT NOW! I just realized that you posted that he is/has been physically and verbally abusive.

You only have negative things to say about him and your relationship. Get out of it now, before you are married?

For next time (the next relationship, should you end this one)- I would also suggest holding off on playing wife. Just wait until you really are one, or much closer (engaged with a date/wedding planned) to behave like one. If your idea of being a wife means cooking and cleaning, that is. This usually means putting off living together until you are married.

I like doing dishes for my fiance, something I did not do before we were engaged. I cooked maybe once or twice for him in 8 years of dating, and I do not plan on cooking much after we are married, either. There is a sense of nurturing that has heighten (in me for him) since we've been engaged. But one huge difference between my situation and yours is that we do not live together, and our wedding date/plans are set- we will be living together as a married couple in about 6 months, and we've only been engaged for about 5 months.

Do you think he proposed because you kept asking about it? Do you think you really will ever get married? What do you love about him? Why do you want to marry him?

I think in good relationships, you recognize your partners faults, accept them, and focus on his positive qualities. I could probably go for hours spouting great qualities I love and stories of sweetness I've experienced with my partner. I don't though, because I don't want to brag! If you don't feel this way about your partner, maybe you should think about breaking off the engagement while the two of you sort things out.

Are you guys doing any pre-marital counseling? I know Catholic churches often require it, right?

Last edited by adnCat; 15th June 2007 at 3:44 PM..
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Old 15th June 2007, 6:14 PM   #3
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Are you seriously still considering marring him?! WHY?! That relationship sounds awful.
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Old 17th June 2007, 4:36 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chewy2007 View Post
Why am i with him ? I have talked about all of this to him, but it changes for 1 week and back its to the same crap all over again. Sigh.
Are you scared of being alone? Are you scared of him because he's been physically abusive in the past? You need to get out of the relationship. Don't expect him to make the decision and call it off, he seems quite happy to continue being abusive, selfish and irresponsible. Why do you believe that you deserve this kind of relationship? And if you don't believe this then YOU need to make the decision to leave.
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Old 18th June 2007, 12:13 PM   #5
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I did half the work.
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Old 21st June 2007, 10:57 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chewy2007 View Post
I was wondering if anyones fiance helped in organizing the wedding. My man feels as though that it is up to me to organize everything. Soon as he proposed to me he said to me "now you can organize the wedding". When he said that i felt quite insulted, like as if its me who is the only on who wanted to get married and i forced him. He has more relos on his side like 100 and he is athiest and i am catholic and have few relatives.

I mean i did nag him for a few months about getting married (we were together for 5 years and living together) and then i thought whats the point and stopped nagging him about it. Then out of the blue 2 weeks before i started my new job, he was in some kind of rush to get engaged?

It was really rushed like it had to happen now or something bad was gonna happen. Like he took me shopping and kept asking me what jewlery i liked and told me to look at the jewlers windows and to tell him what i would like to wear in terms of ring styles. So i pointed them out (ohh i like that one.. nah thats too expensive) and then he pulls me into the shop and says that engagement ring suits you and i said yes it looks nice for an engagement ring but its too big. (Diamond stands on a crown and diamonds all around costing him $1000. I tried it on and then he says im buying it for you. Im like what, what is the rush? And hes like but im not going to propose to you now. So i said ok buy it if you want to, but you dont have too, and you can buy a ring thats a little cheaper? And says no its an engament ring . Im like ok , dont break your budget for it ?

Then a week later he proposes to me in a restaurant that wasnt really romantic. Just a mexican restaurant that we go to on special ocassions nothing flashy. And he proposes. I say yes. And now he says its up to me to organize it.
Okay, so you pressure him into an engagement, and then you act surprised that when he does decide to throw you for a loop and propose to you that it is less than romantic?

HELLO???!!! You forced him into it! Guys don't like that. They like to think that it is THEIR idea. So what if you two have been together for 5 years and are already living together? I really don't understand why so many women feel the need to put a timeline on their relationships. It's like, *twirls hair around finger*, "Okay, so we'll date for a year and a half, and then by two years he'll propose to me and we'll get engaged, then we'll have this beautiful wedding around year 3, buy a house, have 2.5 kids, and it will all be perfect forever and ever because we got married within a reasonable time and everything went as planned!"

Alright, so maybe I'm being a little bitchy by saying that, but it just irritates the hell out of me when women do that. Not everyone is ready for marriage early on, especially not men. Maybe someone is still trying to figure out what they want. If they love you and still want to be with you during that time, treat you like a princess, and are faithful, respectful, and their is a mutual happiness, why rush it? I think that there are a lot of insecurities in a relationship when there is a rushed need for a ring. All good things are worth waiting for, so stop being so gosh darn selfish, and if you love him, then wait. If you can't wait, then leave. Don't pressure a man who is not ready. He will come around on his own.

And if you DO pressure him, then don't act surprised when the proposal, wedding, and possibly even marriage, don't go as nicely as you would have liked them to.

Quote:
So im like ok. Its been 2 years and i havent organized the wedding because.

1.He keeps telling me in all of our relationship time is that "he dosent care anymore about life. about anything. And then he proposes to me ? wtf ?
He says he doesn't care anymore about life or anything else and he proposes? He's probably thinking that if worse comes to worse he can always get a divorce. This guy obviously doesn't know what it is that he wants.

Quote:
2. He constantly ignores me the entire relationship. (why did he propse to me ? )
Because you forced him to. Some men a weak and fall for it. Others stay strong and do it on their own time so that it can be special. Your guy is one of the weak ones.

Quote:
3. He acts like i am the live in housewife without a marriage certificate. I do all the washing and cleaning and cooking, while he goes to work and come home and play games all night. (im not his wife yet)
Well, that is YOUR fault for not laying down the shared responsibilities before moving in. My live-in boyfriend and I are equals in our relationship. If he cooks dinner, I clean up the kitchen, and vice versa. I wash my clothes, he washes his. His mom babied him for years, so when we moved out he assumed that I would baby him too. I walked him down to the laundry room and showed him how it's done. I don't have all day to sit around and do his laundry. I clean my bathroom, he cleans his. It's about shared respnsibility and respect for one another. You need to establish that early on, or else he will walk all over you.

Quote:
4. He has been physically abusive towards me. And verbally abusive.
Then you need to leave.

Quote:
ont even talk (friends online is more important than how i am feeling). The only thing we talk about is his computer game or the dog.

Cant hold a converstation that lasts longer than 2 min.
If you can't handle something as simple as communication, how do you plan to make a marriage work?

Quote:
6. If i had to choose a wedding song that is "our" song. We dont have one ?
This is not an important factor. Seriously. He abuses you and you are worried about not having a song? Every boyfriend that I ever had a song with's relationship bombed. My boyfriend and I don't have a song - we actually find that kinda cheesey and juvenile.

Quote:
7. We dont go out anymore. Sat and sundays is just staying at home playing computer games. (because he says he has nothing better to do ? Ok lets have sex ? NO im to tired i came back from work) But when i was working i had to put out, when i wanted it or not other wise he will nag me about and stay home the next day from work.

8. sex life is once every two months and if im lucky i might get to have sex when i feel like it. (Hardly ever)
And you want to marry this guy?

Quote:
9. We dont have money because any money that what we get that is saved, he spends it on usless things like a plasma TV or something similar.
Even when i was working the money went to useless crap all the time. Always broke even though the sum of our income was 89k.
Money is a huge factor in divorce. Again, you really want to marry this guy?

Quote:
0. He wants to have kids. But the way we are going, i know i will be the one looking after the child. He dosent even look after his dog. I look after the dog. And i dont really want kids. But will have one if he really wants one. And he keeps nagging me about kids. Look we arent married. Im a catholic.
This guy obviously doesn't have his priorities straight. Not a great way to start out a marriage.

Quote:
11. Expects me to stay at his parents house for 3 days and he cant do that with my family.
Believe it or not, but interaction with each other's families is an important thing. This should be another red flag.

There are so many red flags here, I can't believe that you are actually considering marrying this bum!
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Old 15th July 2007, 11:14 PM   #7
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Please leave him! From the sounds of it, you're dating my ex, and believe me, now that I've broken it off with him, I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER!! There are much, much better men out there, even if it doesn't seem like it now. You deserve someone who would rather be intimate with his GF rather than playing video games all the time. And besides, if he's abusive to you, there's absolutely no good reason to stay.
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