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Feeling Guilty


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So, this weekend I will be a matron of honor at a friends wedding. Here is my concern. A couple weeks ago I had a party for her, and of course she got plastered. She gets emotional when she drinks and I knew this ahead of time, but what can you do. Well, she was sobbing like a crazy woman and one of the things she sobbed out was, "I'm never gonna have kids cause (fiance) doesn't want to have kids". I thought that they had worked this all out. She was heavily drunk, so we just got her quieted and into bed.

 

The problem is, this has been eating at me constantly since then. I know that regardless of the truth or lack of truth to this statement, she is going to go through with the wedding. So, I decided not to talk to her about it beforehand.

 

On the other hand, I feel like this is a HUGE issue, and feel guilty standing up for a wedding that hasn't resolved these things. As the wedding draws closer and closer, I feel guiltier and guiltier about not talking to her about it. They are both great people, but they have such different desires about where they want to be 10-20 years from now.

 

What would you do? Talk to her about it before the wedding, talk to her about it afterward, never mention it?

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I'd definitely talk to her.

 

She needs to know that this is suppose to be a life long decision she's making.

 

She will absolutely hate herself going through with this if later down the road she wants kids.

 

More so, she may even wind up blaming you for not stopping her!!!

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laRubiaBonita

i would ask her if she remebered what she said the other drunken night, let her know it concerns you and you are there to support her decision.

 

'nough said.

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talk to her. This is an important issue that needs to be resolved long before she walks down the isle

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I'm pretty sure she won't remember that she even said it. So, you guys think I should talk to her (and of course I would say that I support her) even if I know that she's gonna go through with it anyway? Remember, it's in less than a week and she's in full time wedding mode now.

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Bab she probably has quite a bit on her mind and that could have been stupid drunk talk. They need to work it out.

 

Is she an adult? Is she not a drug addict and is of somewhat sound mind?

 

Then it is none of your business unless she asked you to make it yours.

 

Hell I remember when I got lit I decided we were going to move to Peru the following week....... :lmao:

 

If you mention it say it casually, don't make this into a huge issue that really may not be an real issue to them. If she mentioned it sober different story, or multiple times yes then say something........ my guess is that it was the bottle talkin'.

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Bab she probably has quite a bit on her mind and that could have been stupid drunk talk. They need to work it out.

 

Is she an adult? Is she not a drug addict and is of somewhat sound mind?

 

Then it is none of your business unless she asked you to make it yours.

 

Hell I remember when I got lit I decided we were going to move to Peru the following week....... :lmao:

 

If you mention it say it casually, don't make this into a huge issue that really may not be an real issue to them. If she mentioned it sober different story, or multiple times yes then say something........ my guess is that it was the bottle talkin'.

 

She is an adult. Not a drug addict and of a somewhat sound mind, with maybe extra emphasis on the somewhat.

 

At first I did think that it was just the bottle talking. Like she was just upset because ideally they would both want kids instead of him agreeing to have them despite not wanting them. (I will add that in previous conversations with him it's not that he has a strong desire to not have children, he just doesn't have a desire to have them. That's hard to express in the format.)

 

The only thing I'm worried about, is that it is in her personality to say, "but I loooooooooooove him, so it will all work out". I don't know what I'll do. Chances are we won't have much time alone between now and the wedding for me to get a chance to talk to her.

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She is an adult. Not a drug addict and of a somewhat sound mind, with maybe extra emphasis on the somewhat.

 

At first I did think that it was just the bottle talking. Like she was just upset because ideally they would both want kids instead of him agreeing to have them despite not wanting them. (I will add that in previous conversations with him it's not that he has a strong desire to not have children, he just doesn't have a desire to have them. That's hard to express in the format.)

 

The only thing I'm worried about, is that it is in her personality to say, "but I loooooooooooove him, so it will all work out". I don't know what I'll do. Chances are we won't have much time alone between now and the wedding for me to get a chance to talk to her.

 

 

Maybe the LS posts are getting to you and you feel like she will be her posting about tricking her H to knock her up..... :lmao:

 

She obviously is aware it is an issue or was, no sense ruining this for her.

They will work it out. What man would run around telling others about his strong desire to have kids...... hell they aren't even married yet.

 

"I wanna baby" - I don't see that being on the top of the list of things men express they desire in public.

 

Hey why not give him the "you mess with my friend talk" ,you know, smack him around instead of her.

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I don't think I'd say anything. I don't feel it's your place. She is an adult, and it sounds like she is fully aware of the difference in opinion between herself and her fiance. It'd be different if she weren't aware of it, and this would be new information that would cause her to second guess marriage to this guy. If this were info she had no prior knowledge of. Or something you'd over heard that may alter her idea of who the guy she is marrying really is.... but it's not. It's known. She's had plenty of time to think about it. She knows how he feels. She's come to her conclusion, and that is to marry this guy.

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If it were me and my friend, I would talk to her about it. But that's just my opinion. You know her better.

 

You know when I thought about it for a sec I realized, if she's the type to be all "but I looooove him," then your conversation might fall on deaf ears anyways.

 

I made a mistake getting married, though. I wish someone WOULD have had a frank conversation with me. I even called off the wedding a few times, myself, so I was ready to bolt. So maybe I'm advising you that way because I wish someone had had that frank convo with me....

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What would you do? Talk to her about it before the wedding, talk to her about it afterward, never mention it?

you need do nothing BAB. Once she's married her plan is to "forget" to take the pill once in a while and get knocked up by him. If she wants kids then they will most likely have kids. I feel sorry for her husband-to-be because he'll pay the price big time!

 

Marriage mainly benefits women and not men. This is a superb example.

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BenThereDunThat

Marriage mainly benefits women and not men. This is a superb example.

 

Yeah right!! My marriage benefited HIM way more than ME. I wasn't the one who went for days, sometimes weeks, at a time not bringing home a paycheck, but still had all his toys, didn't do a damn thing around the house but mess it up....wrecked my car (twice!), didn't miss a weekend of partying, drank like a fish....

 

Explain to me again how marriage mainly benefits the woman???

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Yeah right!! My marriage benefited HIM way more than ME. I wasn't the one who went for days, sometimes weeks, at a time not bringing home a paycheck, but still had all his toys, didn't do a damn thing around the house but mess it up....wrecked my car (twice!), didn't miss a weekend of partying, drank like a fish....

you like the bad boys BTDT :laugh:

 

Explain to me again how marriage mainly benefits the woman???

in most cases it benefits the women. the courts favor women. the women get the kids. the women get child spt and alimony. men just get the lives sucked out of them.

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BenThereDunThat
you like the bad boys BTDT :laugh:

 

I've been over the bad boy phase for a long time now.

 

 

in most cases it benefits the women. the courts favor women. the women get the kids. the women get child spt and alimony. men just get the lives sucked out of them.

 

Well, I'm the one that got the life sucked out of me in this case. When we were dating it was a problem because he worked too much. But he was saving for a boat. Once he got that, and moved in with me, work all of a sudden wasn't so important. Anything I wanted that cost money suddenly wasn't so important.

 

It was all about the boat, football, and cocaine for him.

 

To this day he still can't figure out why I kicked his ass out. Still tried to get back together with me AS I WAS SIGNING THE PAPERS in court!!

 

I guess so, he was living the good life for a while there.

 

So, you're not going to get me to go along with you on this one. I got a pile of credit card debt that says otherwise. :mad:

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you like the bad boys BTDT :laugh:

 

 

in most cases it benefits the women. the courts favor women. the women get the kids. the women get child spt and alimony. men just get the lives sucked out of them.

 

Count me amoung the women who got screwed over. exh got the house and all the money, the new car, all the furniture.. Plus he was jobless 60% of the time we were married and he still got to go to the strip clubs, bars, and buy every little thing that caught his fancy.

 

Just not seeing how men have it so bad.....

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I am still not sure what I will do. I will probably just ask if she was serious about that statement and let her know if she was that I am available to talk. I guess we will see. (Something strange is happening when I try to use the apostrophy key, hence the lack of conjunctions).

 

They were talking about it alot early on and she was sharing with me, but right after the proposal she stopped talking about it, and for some reason I thought that it had been resolved. I was under the impression that she had made it clear that she wanted kids and that he was not going to propose unless he agreed. I may have come up with that on my own though.

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I am still not sure what I will do. .

I already told you BAB....don't get involved, this is none of your business.

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I already told you BAB....don't get involved, this is none of your business.

 

I so agree. Good chance you will end up on the enemy list for your meddling.

 

Are you doing this to help or to relieve your own need to feel resolved on this issue?

 

I would talk to her about it only if she asks your opinion on it.

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I agree with Alpha and A4a. Not your place.

 

When I was getting married, I had a lot of issues that I should've resolved first... and I did confide in a friend prior to the wedding. However, if the friend had come up to me and suggested that I should re-think my actions becaues they felt I had a problem... I would've been upset with the friend.

 

I think all I'd say is that you know getting married is a stressful time, and that you're available and all ears if she wanted to talk about anything at all. That it be kept private and there'd be no judgement involved. Meaning, you wouldn't hint that she shouldn't get married due to problems, or tell her she's doing the wrong thing, or even offer your opinion about what she should or should not do with her life. Just a safe place to express any fears or concerns she may have, without judgement.

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I wouldn't say anything.

 

I had a close friend that was doing some really stupid things with this guy she just meet. And I said something out of concern forgot it. She thinks I hate her BF and our friendship has been strained since.

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I talked to her on the phone for about an hour last night (not about this) and she seems so stressed about getting everything done. Apparently nothing is going as planned. I'm not going to say anything. I'm going up to her place tonight and will be with her until the wedding. If it comes up, then we'll talk.

 

I believe that we will eventually talk about it, but since I know that it wouldn't change her decision, and I wouldn't suggest that she not marry him, then waiting until after the wedding isn't going to make a difference overall.

 

This is just hard for me because my H and I spent so multiple years working through forseable differences in our lives, and I thought that they were doing the same.

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IThis is just hard for me because my H and I spent so multiple years working through forseable differences in our lives, and I thought that they were doing the same.

 

Well Bab you gotta live and let live. Not every person will take your path but needs to take their own that suits them.

 

And no matter how much you plan circumstances and people change. He may decide he really wants kids..... who knows. But probably the best thing to do is to just let others live the way they choose to do so until they either effect you in a real neg. way or ask you for help.

 

Don't let this thought ruin this time you have to share with your friend. Help her enjoy it. :D

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