His home, My own Home & no intentions of Marriage... WWYD?

[Mirage222]

Here's the Scoop! Mirage needs imput please.

 

I am a "live in" girlfriend (3+ Yr.). My guy owns his house, we share nothing financially and since we decided we are not going to get married their is a great possibility that we will never have anything jointly.

 

So, I am in a great relationship, no problems, I am truly happy but I feel like since in living with him, I will never have any of my own security. I decided that I am going to buy myself a house (Been actively looking). I told him my intentions and he seems a bit dumb founded. He says things like, are you not happy here etc.

 

It is not a case of unhappiness it is a case of I want my own investment, I want my OWN security, I want something that I can totally call my own home. With this relationship and no binding commitment you would think he would be overjoyed that I want to make this move in my life. It is not like I am ending what we have, I just will not be living or funding his "dream" any longer ... but my own.

 

Please tell me if this is obsurd?? I just figure I should have something too and since we are not marrying, not intertwining our finances that heck, I do not want to be 65 and still have nothing.

 

You thoughts? Thank you.

[norajane]

I don't think you're being absurd at all! I think you're being very smart in looking after your financial future.

 

He's dumbfounded because it never occurred to him that your current arrangement might have some serious disadvantages to you, because he's been thinking of himself primarily. Your arrangement suits him, and he wasn't taking into account your future. (That's one of the reasons people who are set on marriage are set on it - because it's a commitment to build a future together).

 

You do have another option where both of you can still live together - either buy a house together, or buy out his half of the house you're living in and work with a lawyer to add your name on the title. But if you truly want something of your own without intertwining your finances, buy your own place.

[littlekitty]

I don't think you're being absurd at all! I think you're being very smart in looking after your financial future.

 

He's dumbfounded because it never occurred to him that your current arrangement might have some serious disadvantages to you, because he's been thinking of himself primarily. Your arrangement suits him, and he wasn't taking into account your future. (That's one of the reasons people who are set on marriage are set on it - because it's a commitment to build a future together).

 

I agree 100%. Do it.

 

One of my major life ambitions was to own my own house, by myself, before I owned one with any man I was going to share my life with. I wanted to know I could do it, and that I could have that security.

 

Your not asking for anything unreasonable. You are protecting yourself and your future. A sensible thing that should be admired, not poo poo'd!!

[Mirage222]

See, that's the "issue" (not that I have ever bought up the "Put me on the mortage/title/deed of the house") conversation but he is Mr. Practical, Mr. If you want it YOU work for it type a guy. Which is fine but really should not be "fine" when it comes to me! Not like we met yesterday and the kicker is HE "invited" almost insisted on me moving in with him because it was more "Practical" too.. BUT, I pay rent!!!! Nice huh? Rent on his mortgage!!!! Now, should I be paying rent? I pay more then what I was when I was renting! I clean too no less!

 

I just feel like the ONLY way to have my own security is to have my own home - it won't happen with him unfortunately!! But, My thinking to him is like HELLO, did you think I was going to just be the live-in with NO security forever?? I basically want him to know I love him of course but this is a hugy that I have to do...

[littlekitty]

See, that's the "issue" (not that I have ever bought up the "Put me on the mortage/title/deed of the house") conversation but he is Mr. Practical, Mr. If you want it YOU work for it type a guy. Which is fine but really should not be "fine" when it comes to me! Not like we met yesterday and the kicker is HE "invited" almost insisted on me moving in with him because it was more "Practical" too.. BUT, I pay rent!!!! Nice huh? Rent on his mortgage!!!! Now, should I be paying rent? I pay more then what I was when I was renting! I clean too no less!

 

I just feel like the ONLY way to have my own security is to have my own home - it won't happen with him unfortunately!! But, My thinking to him is like HELLO, did you think I was going to just be the live-in with NO security forever?? I basically want him to know I love him of course but this is a hugy that I have to do...

 

 

Errrr sorry but yes, you should pay rent. If you are living in the house, you share the expenses.

 

When my SO moved out of rented accomodation into my house, he agreed to pay half the bills and pay me half the mortgage as rent. I think that was fair and right. As did he.

 

The house is still in my name, he is not paying the mortgage, but he is splitting the bills with me. It seems fair to me. Although for him it didn't increase his rent.

[Mirage222]

I agree that it is fair and all but my whole family thinks I am nutzo to be funding his dream. He asked me to move in. I see it this way, If it was my house I would not ask him for rent, it should be vice versa. no? I

[Dejavu]

Mirage,

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is own your own home. The fact that you've been with him 3+ years and there is no talk of marriage and that he'd rather have this financial wedge between you speaks volumes. I agree that you should earn what you have, but when you are a couple and you are paving the road to your future then it becomes a dream and goal that is shared and tackled together. Who knows, he may feel like you are not the one he wants to share his life with. Which is fine if you two have agreed to that kind of arrangement where you are helping each other out financially.

At any rate, there are great benefits to owning a home, and I understand that you feel like you are funding his dream because it isnt a shared dream. Yes, you do have to share expenses if you're living there, but if he can't share the benefits of his life or home with you then I suggest you make your own dreams come true. I used to date someone like that also. I lived in an apt and he owned a condo. He talked of selling his condo to buy a home but never talked about us doing it together.

 

He used to say the same things to me and honestly it hurt me deeply because I thought the path of our relationship was supposed to be a shared one. He even used to make me feel like my career wasn't good enough to afford me that kind of luxury and because he had a 6 figure salary he felt he was doing more for me than he needed to. I needed a car a one point and I needed and wanted to buy a new car. At that time he had a great SUV that was at the end of his lease with purchasing options. They would give it to him for 11 thousand.

 

I asked to pay the 11 thousand because he had decided on getting another car. This way I would have had a great car that was newer and I wouldn't have to pay the full price. But he wouldn't even help me out with this. Over time his attitude just upset me more and made me realize that this relationship wasn't about us, it was about him and then me. We broke up soon afterwards. I'm glad I did. I have a beautiful home, 2 brand new cars and a husband who helped set and achieve the goals with me.

[everlong]

why didn't you both buy a home together?

 

did you discuss that possiblity?

 

did you buy the home first then tell him?

 

were you both living together when you bought your house?

 

when did u move in with him? were you paying rent before? if yes, why would paying rent with him bother u? would it help both of u? the tone sounds like you have money issues?

 

how much rent did you pay him and if it was alot - how did you save for your home?

 

listen to how to sound, angry - HIS HOME, HIS DREAM!

 

HE INVITED ME! this does not sound like a woman that is happy. and you are place material goods ahead of the relationship?

 

why was it practical? did you get kicked out of where your were living?

 

sounds like you should never have moved in - because you sound like you are no way into him or the relationship! listen to how u hate him for not 'giving you' security [you were in his house right? weird] and then you say you love him? nope. and you do this because no marriage? you have 'checked out' of this relationship a long time ago i think. whoa

 

do u not see that? you say, DID HE THINK I WAS GONNA BE THE LIVE-IN FOREVER?

you are his gf! major red flags!

 

glad you have a house. you should find a man to move in with you and charge him rent!

 

amazing stuff! keep it coming folks

 

RED FLAGS EVERYONE

 

i have a similar situation [yet true] story..anyone wanna hear it? [lets try honesty out here when posting folks]

[Mirage222]

why didn't you both buy a home together?

 

He purchased the home 3 months before we met.

 

did you discuss that possiblity?

 

There is no possibility of discussion as he put on 200K into this house, he loves this home, I love this house believe it or not. So, with that, we would not discuss purchasing one together because he already made this house into the house of his dreams. I have to say it is beautiful.

 

did you buy the home first then tell him?

 

As of today I did not buy a house yet. Considering putting a bid in on one but no, I do not have a house at this time of my own.

 

were you both living together when you bought your house?

 

Again, if you read my original post you would know that it is HIS house. No, we were not living together before hand.

 

when did u move in with him? were you paying rent before? if yes, why would paying rent with him bother u? would it help both of u? the tone sounds like you have money issues?

 

Ok to start, I have a 6-figure job which supports my $$$ hobbies, my new truckS and just about anything else I may want to have. I never go without. To top that, I have absolutly no debt whatsoever. We've lived together what - 3 years almost. I rented before yes, for a short time as he pressured me into living with him in his house. As far as being bothered paying rent, I would rather my money that would be contributed to the household go into an "us" account. He is well off as well, he does not need me financially nor do I need him. Hence the fact that I am purchasing my OWN house, soley..

 

how much rent did you pay him and if it was alot - how did you save for your home?

 

Again, his his his home. But as I just stated, I have plenty of finds to buy a house...

 

listen to how to sound, angry - HIS HOME, HIS DREAM!

 

It is HIS home and HIS dream. Hey, we are not married, no children, no binding commitment in any way or aspect... I am soughting after MY HOME MY DREAM.. and I sure am not angry wiring that.. (must be the caps and !!) ...

 

HE INVITED ME! this does not sound like a woman that is happy. and you are place material goods ahead of the relationship?

 

He did invite me to live with him, I wanted to get married to him and with living with him I thought this is how it would go and it didn't. I would have liked for him to tell me his intentions sooner but he did not. Believe me, I am ok with this now.. I do not want to marry him that is why I am buying my own place, to have some other type of security, to have my own thing. Listen, I love living with him - truly I do, you don't know me nor my relationship ... people out there would do just about anything to be in our shoes and have what we have, yes - that is something special... so don't tell me what YOU think we have or what I feel. You are wrong. I am in no way materialist, never have been, but thankful to be able to get and have what I want out of life ... is that too much to ask?

 

why was it practical? did you get kicked out of where your were living?

 

Once again, again ... HE HE HE said it would be practical for me to live with him because I lived up the road from him but we were always staying together... Kicked out of where I was living? Um, no - I am an adult here, not 10 -15 or 20 anymore.

 

sounds like you should never have moved in - because you sound like you are no way into him or the relationship! listen to how u hate him for not 'giving you' security [you were in his house right? weird] and then you say you love him? nope. and you do this because no marriage? you have 'checked out' of this relationship a long time ago i think. whoa

 

Wrong again.. Please I think you need to read what I originally wrote, you are way off base. I STILL LIVE WITH HIM. He does not have to GIVE ME security because I am Secure enough to get my own... I don't need to marry him for anything. I don't HATE anything or anyone. I am 310% into him..

 

do u not see that? you say, DID HE THINK I WAS GONNA BE THE LIVE-IN FOREVER?

you are his gf! major red flags!

 

What is wrong with thinking I would have a married future with him? The live in IS someone who has no financial ties, ways, means for the future. Yes, a Live in Girlfriend. Where do you see a red flag again? I think I am going to search YOUR THREADS Everlong.. I think YOU have some harboring issues.. Maybe in the infedelity threads? I'll find out and then we can talk about YOUR red flags, search my threads, you'll see nothing in the way of Ref Flags!!

 

glad you have a house. you should find a man to move in with you and charge him rent!

 

haha this is getting funny now. Have no house yet, I don't need a mans money to get what I want out of life. You have things so backwards here. Not at the top of your game maybe?

 

amazing stuff! keep it coming folks

 

I WILL BE SEARCHING YOUR LONELY THREADS BELIEVE THAT my friend.

 

Dejavu: Ouch! I would have left him too! Happy your happy now.

[melodymatters]

I'm with you mirage !!! I too was in a similar situation. The point is not that's it's not " fair" to split the bills, but at the end of the day HE will have built equity in HIS home, and you would be left with nothing. Financially, thats just dumb !

 

If and when you buy your own home, do you plan on moving into it, ( and out of his ?) or renting it out ?

 

Depending on home prices in your area ( I'm a realtor and have invested in property for years, but not in todays market ! ) You might be better off putting YOUR money into some good and varied investemnts and letting YOUR little nest egg grow, as opposed to buying now, renting it out, perhaps having it messed up etc.

 

Money is the BEST security, so figure out where the best place to grow YOUR money is !!

 

And, explain all this to Mr. non commital and see what he has to say. if it's anything thats more slefish than looking out for YOU, maybe THAT would be a red flag, lol

 

Good luck !!!

[SoleMate]

Yes, mirage, there's a lot that's wrong in this situation. Your monthly housing payments went UP when you moved in with him - and your workload increased because now you're cleaning up after him. That's not right.

 

I am wondering if he he was thinking of financial advantage to himself when he asked you to move in.

 

I do think it's usually fair for you to pay rent, but only according to a reasonable financial calculation. Certainly, your contribution should be capped by the amount of your previous rent or a percentage, based on usage and equity leverage considerations, of the INTEREST (not principal) he pays every month. That percentage would probably be about 20-25% for a typical situation. Take whichever of the two figures is less. Example: If his payment is $2000, consisting of $300 principal and $1700 interest, you might pay 20% of $1700 or $340. He pays $1660. No WAY should you pay anything near half the full payment. That is completely unfair. He would benefit from you paying down his loan, while he gets all the benefit of real estate appreciation, interest deduction, homestead protections, etc.

 

Or, since he's well off, deeply in love with you, and committed to your happiness, he could just let you do his housekeeping without you also making a cash payment.

 

Please read some books by Suze Orman - she has great advice for real life situations like this - and maybe check in with a financial planner so you can understand how lack of a real estate investment affects you.

[everlong]

i agree with M. that;s just smart planning. nothing wrong with that. the only thing i would add is that if u are currenty in a 'live in' situation with yer bf - maybe pay some rent, or part of the mortage and you would get that equity back.

 

as for your bf's reactions, it is spooooooooooooookie eh! so, close to my past relationship with an ex [she ended it months, and months, ago]. first comment tho is this- my ex lived for with me for 6 orn 7 months - we had discussed her moving in [it was the next stage of the relationship] but we looked at the pros and cons and but agreed that it was a risk - small house, etc. and we both thought it was too early. then the person she was living with decided to sell her house and they needed a place to stay, so even though we bothe new the timing was not right - being the bf at the time offered up my home [that's what u are supposed to do] and we talked about all sorts of arrangemnets etc. and it was agreed that i would cover the house while she paid down her debt [team work] after that was done we could plan the next step. she asked me to set up an account for her where she would pay off her loan [guess she was worried she might spend it] i agreed and then a couple months later, she just asked fer the money back - and it had never been in an account - just in my desk at home - i gave it to her. see, we didn;t plan on living together at the time and we both had discussed thatshe did the same thing, and i reacted the same way your bf did mirage only - my reaction was simply based on the fact that when my ex told me she was buying her own home i was still in a depression [and we all know how wonderful those little mind adventures can be - wink. so, obviously, any reaction was based on that, and the fact the she was supposed to return once the 'healing' was done. the ex broke up with me right after this announcement, we both have moved on, she bought a house [at least that's what she told me she was doing - that was the last talk we had.] i am very happy for her - in fact i dropped off a house present [for reasons only related to the fact that after bouncing around forever she now has her own place - good fer her] and did so in a way where there was no contact. and that's it.

so, M - good for you - real estate is a good investment.

 

C.A.G, even though you are obviously upset for whatever reason, and ungrateful for getting free room and board and tons of suypport - IF YOU REALLY WISH TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF AND GET IT OVER WITH INSTEAD OF THIS RETARDED GAME - THAT'S GREAT. it is obvious when you post things you slant the story, u seem to have a team of people on board. in fact when I spoke with L apparently u felt the need to talk about personal stuff - i haven't done that with anyone. ITS CALLED RESPECT. you present it in a way that shows anger. we talked about everything a 'normal' freaking couple does that is planning afuture together - u know that so STOP ok. I HAVE GIVEN YOU WAY MORE RESPECT. if u are still hurting i am sory to hear that - but i would trade shoes with u any day regarding the rough times. LOOK, I believe honesty was an issue [both ways] I've done the work. I am fine. being honest is way better. i am not in your life. u know i have offered tons of opportunities to simply talk as adults about anything concern u might have - u have not responded. No need for me to tell u again. you know the situat with L and S - they have done a better job. so, i am not worried about them. i don't really have anything else to say. let it go. this is crazy. you can contnue this if you want - i am not doing the online 'play commuication' anymore. Not returning to Fish/here and that's all i go to. and now they are off the list as well. Way to much weirdness and work and for what? we were a couple a long time ago rememeber - you left? Not saying that in a mean way. just fact so, i wish you all the best. take care.

[Mirage222]

Everlong: Consider it done. I actually think I could begin to like you. You certainly make me laugh {in the positive way} and no what? I did read some of your threads ... your ok with me but your last thread here I have absolutely no idea what your talking about Is C.A.G. some long lost love or something? I don't speak internetese well.

 

Sole mate: Here is the thing, I pay 600+/month. The mortage payment is 580.00. So see what I am saying?

 

Soulmate wrote:

I am wondering if he he was thinking of financial advantage to himself when he asked you to move in.

 

And, My thoughts exactly... that's why it was "practical" to him for me to move in, this I am sure of. Also, because he is receiving the benefits of what his house brings to him and I nothing to show is the reason why I want to invest in my own.

 

That brings me to Melondymatters: You hit the nail right on the head, thanks for understanding!! It is a huge decision this day and age to purchase a house and yes, prices here have skyrocketed ... I live in a major city and have seen some run down houses that someone scoops up for cheap, puts some new siding on it and price it for sale in the higher 500K's. Scaaary! I just opened up a different type of savings account and that is where my nestegg lies at this time. Not sure what route to go for this moment, whether investments in general or a house for security. I still will buy a house but the buying game is hard, you know - your a realitor. Whatever I choose, I will still live with him but not sure if I want to rent something I buy to someone, renters do not always respect what you offer them.

 

Thanks for your advice, Melody, you know my situation well...

[josie54]

Sole mate: Here is the thing, I pay 600+/month. The mortage payment is 580.00.

 

WHAT????

 

I was just reading your thread without intending to comment until I read that. He's making you PAY HIS ENTIRE MORTGAGE??? How on earth did he justify this to you? And why on earth did you agree to it? Please tell me there's something else to that.

 

I'm in a situation where I've purchased a house with my fiance (after already owning a home of my own). We sold both our individual homes, and then used our proceeds to split the down payment and closing costs. Now, we split mortgage payment and all house expenses down the middle. We are renovating, and because he made more money from selling his house, he is paying for most of the renovations, but I will pay an amount monthly into his account until I have finished paying for my half of the cost of renovations.

 

Our names are both on the title, and we are listed as beneficiaries of the house should one of us die. If we sell, we each will reclaim our original down payment and will split the profits down the middle. We keep "his," "hers," and "ours" bank accounts, so that we each control our own money, but pay equal amounts into the common account for household expenses.

 

In your case, if you want to stay with him, I definitely agree: Either buy your own house OR insist that he put your name on the title as a co-owner and pay him the money that would make the arrangement 50-50 ownership. In fact, nix the last bit. Just buy your own house--and then live in it and enjoy home ownership. Given the fact that he asked you to pay his entire mortgage, I don't think he'd want to make your ownership of his house equitable at all.

[Guest]

hi there,

 

M222, i personally know this Everlong guy so I will pass on your thoughts - and yes you were correct in your assumption about C.A.G

 

Jos - i agree totally with your post. i wish more people viewed relationships that way as well.

[Walk]

I am floored by the arrangement your bf came up with. Wow. He's got a live in maid, a sex partner, his mortgage paid... OMG... and I thought my exh was bad. Wow. You make him seem like a saint. hahaha wow.

 

Are you going to move out after you buy your own home? What were your plans afterward? Do you want to continue pursuing a relationship with a man who has no qualms about making you pay all his bills, won't marry you, and believes that you're crazy for not enjoying being taken advantage of?

 

Little portion of my experience with selfish men. My ex made three times the money I made.. We were married, and jointly owned the house.. But ALL of my money went to pay the 1,600 mortgage payment... His money was his. He bought a brand new truck, but then I made all the payments. He got credit cards, that I ended up paying off... I didn't make very much, so after all the bills were paid, I had NOTHING for myself. I sold the house I had owned, and all the money from that went to pay off his truck, toward the mortgage, toward his bills. My bills were unpaid, my car wouldn't run anymore, I had nothing. He had everything. He was selfish, manipulative, and egotistical. He got everything from me, and still would tell me how great I had it. When I stopped lovign him, I realized how F'ing stupid I had been.

 

The guy I'm with now... he bought a house a bit before I met him. (dating nearly 3 years now) He refused to let me pay him anything when I moved in. He said it was his obligation. He didn't feel comfortable with me paying toward his debt. We comprimised and I paid him a little less than $300 a month toward bills since that was what I was renting for prior to moving in with him. Main point here: We comprimised. We worked out what would make both of us feel secure. I didn't feel comfortable living there and not paying anything. Didn't feel secure. He wasn't comfortable with me paying half the bills since it was far more than I could afford at the time. So we COMPRIMISED. I'm not seeing that in any of your posts.

 

Personally, I think you should dump this guy. Get a new place to live, and tell him your sick of being taken advantage of. Buy him a blow up doll and tell him to have a nice life. I think he wanted all the convienences of a live in gf without having to give anything substantial in return. He's got it great. Of course he wouldn't want you to find your own house.

 

Whatever you choose to do... I think you're making a good decision to start investing in yourself. He's forcing you to place your needs at top priority. He won't do it... and someone has to. You'd be a fool to not attempt to secure your future in some way. He won't help you.. so you have to do it yourself.

 

Still leads me back to the fact that you should break up with him. If you can't count on your partner to help you in life.. then why are you with him? What are you getting from this relationship? Other than more broke with nothing to show for it.....

[josie54]

Walk is 100% right. I know you say you love him, Mirage, but anyone who would take advantage of you like that may not deserve that love.

 

Not saying that you should break up with him tomorrow, but just think about that. Don't let love blind you to how much this relationship is costing you, both financially and emotionally. The money part of it seems representative of just how he views you in his life--free house, free live-in maid, and "the milk for free" and all that. He wants you to invest everything in him, and he doesn't want to invest a cent in you.

 

That doesn't seem like a true partnership--you could definitely do better.

 

But definitely start with buying your own house! Let him pay his own mortgage.

 

(Although Walk, as bad as Mirage's BF is, your ex definitely sounds horrible! Yikes! I'm glad you found someone who treats you like a partner, not an ATM.)

[Guest]

He's got a six-figure income and he has YOU pay the entire mortgage?

 

Or does your portion pay for the other expenses? Surely heat/AC, water, and the other services plus food come to more than that per month. So is it an arrangement where he's actually paying the equivalent of mortgage and you're paying expenses? If so, then it's not unfair.

[Walk]

Actually, I don't think she'd even blink an eye at the "rent" her bf charges her IF her bf were actually showing through actions or words that he was investing in HER and their future, as much as she seems to be investing in him.

 

Honestly, I dont feel this has much to do with money... it's the symptom, not the problem. Something tangible to point at.

 

Maybe I'm reading too much into her posts, but seems more like she's upset that he isn't helping to build an "Us" future. He's already decided his future, with no comprimise to how she feels about it. He ripped the idea of marriage away. Won't combine finances. Wouldn't help her out with a car purchase that might tie him to her even more. There isn't a lot of 'together' involved in this relationship.

 

I've paid rent while living with someone, and felt incredibly secure. I've lived with someone and paid no rent, and felt very insecure. It's not about the money. It's about how the other person treats you. Their words, their actions, the subtle clues they give as to how they really view you and how permenant the current arrangement is. I seriously don't believe this has anything to do with money. If she wanted to invest, she'd be better off dumping the money into high interest earning markets. Less tangible, but probably less work, and less headache then buying a house. I think she wants the house to symbolize her independence, not just to him but to herself. That she is in control of her fate. Not whatever whim he might have.

 

In a gross over generalized way of putting it, I think it's a power play. A way to feel more in control of her own life. A way to signify to him that she doesn't want to play his game. I don't believe she'd even bat an eye if he needed her to pay all the bills, as long as he would show her that he is committed to her for the long haul. That she isn't the temporary roomy who pays rent on a month to month lease.

[norajane]

I think she wants the house to symbolize her independence, not just to him but to herself. That she is in control of her fate. Not whatever whim he might have.

 

And a home of her own to go to if/when she needs one...

[Mirage222]

Actually, I don't think she'd even blink an eye at the "rent" her bf charges her IF her bf were actually showing through actions or words that he was investing in HER and their future, as much as she seems to be investing in him.

 

Honestly, I dont feel this has much to do with money... it's the symptom, not the problem. Something tangible to point at.

 

Maybe I'm reading too much into her posts, but seems more like she's upset that he isn't helping to build an "Us" future. He's already decided his future, with no comprimise to how she feels about it. He ripped the idea of marriage away. Won't combine finances. Wouldn't help her out with a car purchase that might tie him to her even more. There isn't a lot of 'together' involved in this relationship.

 

I've paid rent while living with someone, and felt incredibly secure. I've lived with someone and paid no rent, and felt very insecure. It's not about the money. It's about how the other person treats you. Their words, their actions, the subtle clues they give as to how they really view you and how permenant the current arrangement is. I seriously don't believe this has anything to do with money. If she wanted to invest, she'd be better off dumping the money into high interest earning markets. Less tangible, but probably less work, and less headache then buying a house. I think she wants the house to symbolize her independence, not just to him but to herself. That she is in control of her fate. Not whatever whim he might have.

 

In a gross over generalized way of putting it, I think it's a power play. A way to feel more in control of her own life. A way to signify to him that she doesn't want to play his game. I don't believe she'd even bat an eye if he needed her to pay all the bills, as long as he would show her that he is committed to her for the long haul. That she isn't the temporary roomy who pays rent on a month to month lease.

 

 

Walk - didn't you just totally hit the nail on the head!! It has NEVER been about money with me - never. I just want an "US" . I could really care less about money that is, as long as I am not struggling without out it. I guess what it comes down to is I really would like to feel a little part of "US" and it makes me sad to think that I have to go out and find my own security (a house) because the one I love has nothing to offer me in that way. We do have a totally unique relationship - laid back, easy, fun etc. but sometimes I would like to have that "normal" feel to the relationship.

 

What I contribute to the house IS a lot. I have no problems paying my share but not all the 'share'. I would have no quams if I was on the title as well. Then I would have that US. I need to move on in a sence. I need to buy a house, I've put in a few bids and been looking alot but it is tough out there trying to find an accomodating house out there for myself.

 

He wants me to stay with him but watches me go out and look for houses and says nothing. It's odd. I feel he wants me to stay to pay the way of the house.

 

It is a power play Walk.. I, since a young kid always said I will never let someone try to make decisions for me, I am me and will not put myself in the hands of another because this is my life and I should and am free to do with it, what I choose. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place of sorts... Great fun and relationship but nothing in return on the flip side. So, I do do do feel like a live in.. totally! I will not let myself feel insecure .. I am a secure person.

 

Ya know what? As much as I think I am ok with this situation, I really am not. I would want a future with him ... but, who wants someone who does not want you? Ouch that hurts! I know I am going on and on but in reality there is no "long haul" so I am feeling cheated. It would be easy to just up and leave if I was not as happy or comfortable with what we have. I don't want to break up with him but he needs to know I am serious on moving forward - independently by myself. Too much to ask?

[josie54]

He wants me to stay with him but watches me go out and look for houses and says nothing. It's odd. I feel he wants me to stay to pay the way of the house.

 

It is a power play Walk.. I, since a young kid always said I will never let someone try to make decisions for me, I am me and will not put myself in the hands of another because this is my life and I should and am free to do with it, what I choose. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place of sorts... Great fun and relationship but nothing in return on the flip side. So, I do do do feel like a live in.. totally! I will not let myself feel insecure .. I am a secure person.

 

Ya know what? As much as I think I am ok with this situation, I really am not. I would want a future with him ... but, who wants someone who does not want you? Ouch that hurts! I know I am going on and on but in reality there is no "long haul" so I am feeling cheated. It would be easy to just up and leave if I was not as happy or comfortable with what we have. I don't want to break up with him but he needs to know I am serious on moving forward - independently by myself. Too much to ask?

 

Too much to ask? I think he's showing you that it IS too much to ask, of him, for you to be considered a partner in his life.

 

Have you asked him these things directly? Have you asked him, "Why don't we contribute equally to the household? Why won't you discuss sharing a home with me, financially and physically? Why do you really want me to stay, to be with me or to pay your bills? If it's to be with me, then if I need to share some ownership in the house--and in our lives--what would you think of that?"

 

I think you'd get your answers in his responses--or lack of them. Sometimes it's not enough to be comfortable or to even love him. If he doesn't treat you as a valued partner, you may need to move on. If he doesn't have good answers to the questions above, it would definitely be for the better.