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No contact didn't work


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

 
 
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Old 16th July 2006, 6:25 PM   #1
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No contact didn't work

This is regarding my ex FWB who said she loved me and wanted a proper relationship then chucked me for another man a week later. I managed about 2 months of no contact. But she phoned me because I don't phone her anymore. I was cold to her and said, I thought when I went away I made it plain that I didn't want us to have any more contact. We chatted for a bit and she told me she would be going overseas in 6 months. She told me, if I decide one day that I want to talk now, she would not be here. She asked me if I was getting on with my life and if things have improved for me since shes been gone. I was honest and I said a little but not much. Asked me if the pain was going away, then we ended the call, it was not really going anywhere. Well initally I felt better through no contact, the pain of her rejection of me faded. But 3 more weeks went by after that phone call, and I started to feel worse, much worse. I hated the feeling that I got when I thought of her, a feeling of pain and sadness. The jealousy if thinking of her with this new guy was eating me up. I missed her so much as a lover and a friend. I started to feel that not talking to her was worse than NC. Because having her as a friend is better than not having her at all. So I (perhaps stupidly) called her, we have been talking again and we have sort of patched things up after much arguing over the past events. She wants to meet me. She is still with this new guy much to my dismay - I hoped it would be a temporary thing especially since she is going to leave the country. But it sounds like he is committed to her (more than she is to him) Firstly, what did I do wrong - if anything? What do I do now? Can I be friends with this woman? I have so many mixed feelings right now - hate, jealousy, anger, revenge, love, friendship, passion and a feeling that maybe she was never right for me but I may never know now. I feel a bit more in control than I did during the NC. But I don't know where to go from here, can anyone advise?
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Old 16th July 2006, 6:35 PM   #2
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Ok, there's a piece of the puzzle missing for me here. When she told you that she wanted a "proper" relationship..more than FWB, what was your reaction?
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Old 16th July 2006, 6:42 PM   #3
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Well theres a whole other thread to this, which I didn't want to dig up again. This is a five year thing which has been on and off for years with both of us dating other people at times. My reaction was to do nothing because I couldn't just instantly break it off with my gf to be with her. But I was making tracks to be with her and she knew it although she says she thought I would never do it. I really wish I could pm about this because there are many more issues that I shouldn't mention on a public board.
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Old 16th July 2006, 6:48 PM   #4
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Well theres a whole other thread to this, which I didn't want to dig up again. This is a five year thing which has been on and off for years with both of us dating other people at times. My reaction was to do nothing because I couldn't just instantly break it off with my gf to be with her. But I was making tracks to be with her and she knew it although she says she thought I would never do it. I really wish I could pm about this because there are many more issues that I shouldn't mention on a public board.
Well, I don't have PM yet. But I can't imagine what you can't mention on here. I mean we talk about EVERYTHING here. But anyway, maybe you didn't make it clear enough to her NOW that you want her as something more than just a FWB? Could that be it?

In the meantime, if you can handle just being her friend then why not? I mean she's leaving soon anyway.
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Old 16th July 2006, 6:49 PM   #5
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Its just in case she ever got to read this forum put two and two together (and kill me!) Shes always known I've wanted more. It was her idea to be a FWB.

Last edited by dancehead; 16th July 2006 at 6:52 PM..
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Old 16th July 2006, 6:55 PM   #6
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Its just in case she ever got to read this forum put two and two together (and kill me!) Shes always known I've wanted more. It was her idea to be a FWB.
Well, if that's the case then she's not interested in anything more with you. There's nothing you can do. If you can handle, I mean REALLY handle just being friends with her, then go ahead. Otherwise, you have to practice NC. It will hurt at first but in the long run, you'll be better off.
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Old 16th July 2006, 7:06 PM   #7
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Thanks for your posts. Well the logic I have at the moment is we have tried to 'split' or have no contact many times before and we can never manage it. We always miss each other too much. Her vision is for me to become a lifelong friend or maybe even get together if fate allows it, but I'm not sure if i can handle her marrying another guy. Its bad enough at the moment! It also looks like she is using me as back up. I don't like that. Look back at one of the old threads 2-3 pages back you can see all the background if you are interested.

Last edited by dancehead; 16th July 2006 at 7:10 PM..
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Old 16th July 2006, 7:12 PM   #8
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Firstly, what did I do wrong - if anything?
you answered the phone after 2 months of NC...

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What do I do now?
go back into strict unadulterated NC...

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Can I be friends with this woman?
most definitely not.

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I have so many mixed feelings right now - hate, jealousy, anger, revenge, love, friendship, passion and a feeling that maybe she was never right for me but I may never know now.
This is normal and will lapse with time...but you can only truly heal by not seeing or talking to her ever again. NC always works, it just needs time.
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Old 16th July 2006, 7:33 PM   #9
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I agree with Alpha. She doesn't want what you want. You'll only be prolonging the pain by being her "friend." Cut your losses now and move on. It's your only hope now. Who knows? She might come back. I wouldn't count on it but if she does you have to lay down the law about it being more than just friends. More than friends or nothing. But if you continue the way you are, no good will come of it. TAKE CONTROL!

Be strong.
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Old 20th July 2006, 2:57 PM   #10
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time to start dating

Hey there,

With all due respect, she doesn't seem to be worth your time and effort. A lot of women don't really know what they want - even more don't know what they have until it is gone.

Some people just don't like to deal with reality and find it hard to accept the fact that what they do might hurt other people. She isn't lying awake at night worrying about what you feel; You are.

Remember that there are probably a LOT MORE women than you imagine that would treat you right if you gave them a chance. Some of them will turn into great friends, some will be great lovers, and a couple will probably make you truly, truly happy.

The past is the past, and today is a new day. It doesn't matter what happened before - no matter how important the other issues you alluded to are. Dating someone who respects you is all that you need be concerned with now.

As the boys on the corners will tell you, "If you are gonna' play the game, you can't cry when the game plays you."
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Old 20th July 2006, 4:44 PM   #11
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I really am in a mess. Right now I want to go round there and do some serious damage to that new man of hers. I just found out he moved in part time. I know shes cheated on him and I think I ought to tell him. (She will deny it plus he is so much of an gimp he will probably forgive her) This will be one way of ending the friendship I guess. I am sooo angry and hurt. I think you are all right i shouldn't have broken the NC because i can't shut off my feelings and be all happy and jolly about losing what we had and convert to 'friends'. Like oh happy days.... yeah right! I kept thinking that she and him wasn't that serious and everytime I find out stuff like this I have a shock, get hurt and feel insulted that the person moving in was not me. Like what was wrong with me?, she loves me or so she says. She says it was because I wasn't available but this guy was. She has given him, in a few months, more than I ever had from her in 5 years, this is the gut wrenching thing. How the hell can I forget this and be her friend? After all the love and years I gave that woman and effort I made, did she see it - no? She says I made hardly any effort to win her but this man did. Maybe I am just being stupid. I keep going through stages of acceptance of the situation and that fact this guy has taken my place and I'm ok visualising the future of the friendship how nice it would be to keep her friendship. And I'm ok with it. But when she tells me things that hurt eg about him, I can't handle it. Maybe in time I will adjust and accept it perhaps after I've moved on, but all I see now is anger and pain. Because I am contact with her I know exactly what shes doing and if he is with her or not. I won't make any contact with her while he is there i don't want her to use me as a pawn to make him jealous and I don't want him to be party to our chats, or for her to show him my texts. I just still can't believe she has done this to me. I know I you will advise no contact but shes such a friend minus all this and she doesn't want me to leave her, she needs my friendship too. its hard after so many years to let go of someone whom you are so close to, expecially more so when it feels like unfinished business, or the relationship that never really had the chance to blossom and work and be happy, or fail and end in a normal way.. . not like this. I will be forever in limbo wondering if would have worked or not.And resentful that this guy got what I didn't. I so need to vent all this, thanks for reading this. Just a few words of wisdom may help me - anyone?

Last edited by dancehead; 20th July 2006 at 5:43 PM..
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Old 20th July 2006, 6:32 PM   #12
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I I know shes cheated on him and I think I ought to tell him. (She will deny it plus he is so much of an gimp he will probably forgive her) This will be one way of ending the friendship I guess.
You'll gain nothing, and lose self respect by following that particular plan.

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How the hell can I forget this and be her friend?
I don't think anyone's saying you should. The general advice is...don't try to be her friend. Staying friends with an ex lover doesn't make you a better, stronger person. Often it just makes you stagnate in the past.

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After all the love and years I gave that woman and effort I made, did she see it - no? She says I made hardly any effort to win her but this man did.
It's stupid, ignorant and cruel to torture an ex with all this "you could've, should've" stuff, and to compare them unfavourably to a new partner. From what you're telling us I can't see why anyone would make much effort to win her...but clearly you did. Maybe too much. And you're still making those efforts. Stop it.

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shes such a friend minus all this and she doesn't want me to leave her
Because she's wrapped up in her own selfish needs. Everything in your post points to this.

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she needs my friendship too.
So what? Anyway, "wants" are far too frequently referred to as "needs". She doesn't need you in her life - she wants you there as a sort of comfort zone. Whenever an ex wants to keep you in their life, you can pretty much guarantee that's the reason.

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Its hard after so many years to let go of someone whom you are so close to, expecially more so when it feels like unfinished business, or the relationship that never really had the chance to blossom and work and be happy, or fail and end in a normal way.. . not like this.
What's a normal ending? Most romantic relationships that end do so amidst a sea of hurt feelings and shattered dreams.

[QUOTEI will be forever in limbo wondering if would have worked or not.And resentful that this guy got what I didn't. I so need to vent all this, thanks for reading this. Just a few words of wisdom may help me - anyone?[/QUOTE]

You're not in limbo. It didn't work, and the longer you keep this woman in your life, the longer you'll be trapped in this miserable state.

If you need to learn some lessons from the relationship, talk it through with a counsellor who can help you untangle your feelings about all this - and who won't have an agenda in the way that your ex girlfriend has an agenda (ie a list of her interests that she intends to serve by staying in touch with you). Going over and over this in your mind - or, even worse, in conversations with your ex - will just reinforce unhelpful beliefs and feelings.
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Old 5th August 2006, 7:50 AM   #13
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Significant update - next chapter

Thanks ever so much for all your replies, it really is great. Well I've been away from her for a while, then the phone calls started again. For some reason she wants me in her life and I can't work out why that is. Does she want to use me as an ego boost? A way of making her new bf jealous to keep him on his toes? (she tells him all about me) Or perhaps there is something missing from her new bf on some level that she can get from me but keeping me around? Am I her insurance policy in case she breaks up with him? So I went with her shopping and for a meal. First time we've seen each other since the initial No Contact about 3 months ago. I agreed to this because I thought that if I saw her again, maybe the way I felt will have changed and to try what she wants to do. We talked a lot. The problem is that now she wants to be friends and this new guy is now a big part of her life that he keeps coming up in her conversation. And I keep hearing little things about what they are/have been doing together. For example hes met all of her family now. These things send me mad with anger and jealousy that he is in the place where I was and even further in such a short space of time. I am sick of hearing about the guy. She isn't doing it to wind me up, because she hates it when I have a go at her about it, which is what I started to do. We were arguing like mad about the injustice of it all. How she could flit from loving me one week and her wanting to be with me... to leaving me for him the next. She told her bf she was meeting me, he is not happy about it. Now he wants to meet me. Her idea is for myself and my gf, and her and her bf to all go out as a foursome for a meal and try and all get on as happy friends, so that we can move on from the state we are now in. It sounds like a nice idea but is full of risks. What if either other partners detect the chemistry between myself and my ex? What if she shows me up in front of my gf? I can't handle the secret keeping of the cheating that went on. We both have stuff on each other. What if i am so insensed by seeing them togther I lose my cool at the table and blurt out everything in a jealous rage. There are loads of ways that this is dangerous. I think shes mad for suggesting this meeting. I know she sees it as a way we can all talk freely/ see each other without creeping around when the partners are away, but surely this won't work! Anyway she is telling me to try and make it work with my gf but its hard because all i can think of is my ex. Then she torments me as she walks out of my house by telling me about do you remember what is feels like to have sex with me and how great it is and how she does this etc. She said, 'Shame that we can't do it anymore, but if I was to pay her she might for a lot of money.! I told her I'd never pay her for that. What is she up to? Anyone here think shes mad about the double date idea?
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Old 6th August 2006, 2:06 PM   #14
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First off, if you already have another gf, don't even think of talking to this old chick. Secondly, if you are gonna be completely free of a relationship, tell this old one it's full on you and her or nothing at all. She has turned into the albatross around your neck man. You're not living normal life because she has managed to preoccupy your mind and not in a positive way. Either it's just gonna be you and her in a full-time relationship with no outsiders or you have to move on without her. You have to look at the other people you two are hurting as well. Have you even considered your current gf's feelings as far as this is concerned?
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Old 6th August 2006, 2:23 PM   #15
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Well I've been away from her for a while, then the phone calls started again. For some reason she wants me in her life and I can't work out why that is. Does she want to use me as an ego boost? A way of making her new bf jealous to keep him on his toes? (she tells him all about me)
Yes, she wants you as an ego boost. Yes, she's trying to make her bf jealous. She sounds like quite a piece of work, meaning, a woman who uses men for her own selfish reasons.

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Or perhaps there is something missing from her new bf on some level that she can get from me but keeping me around? Am I her insurance policy in case she breaks up with him?
No,there's nothing missing from her bf. Both of you are puppy dogs following her around every time she yanks on the leash. Insurance policy - yep, as long as you keep hanging around, she knows she's got you firmly on the leash.

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So I went with her shopping and for a meal. First time we've seen each other since the initial No Contact about 3 months ago. I agreed to this because I thought that if I saw her again, maybe the way I felt will have changed and to try what she wants to do. We talked a lot. The problem is that now she wants to be friends and this new guy is now a big part of her life that he keeps coming up in her conversation. And I keep hearing little things about what they are/have been doing together. For example hes met all of her family now. These things send me mad with anger and jealousy that he is in the place where I was and even further in such a short space of time. I am sick of hearing about the guy.
If you don't want to hear about her bf, then stop seeing her and stop talking to her. Clearly, she wants him as her bf and not you.

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She isn't doing it to wind me up, because she hates it when I have a go at her about it, which is what I started to do. We were arguing like mad about the injustice of it all. How she could flit from loving me one week and her wanting to be with me... to leaving me for him the next.
She is doing it because she is an attention whore. Every time you argue with her about it, she gets another shot of ego-boost.

Quote:
She told her bf she was meeting me, he is not happy about it. Now he wants to meet me. Her idea is for myself and my gf, and her and her bf to all go out as a foursome for a meal and try and all get on as happy friends, so that we can move on from the state we are now in. It sounds like a nice idea but is full of risks. What if either other partners detect the chemistry between myself and my ex? What if she shows me up in front of my gf? I can't handle the secret keeping of the cheating that went on. We both have stuff on each other. What if i am so insensed by seeing them togther I lose my cool at the table and blurt out everything in a jealous rage. There are loads of ways that this is dangerous. I think shes mad for suggesting this meeting. I know she sees it as a way we can all talk freely/ see each other without creeping around when the partners are away, but surely this won't work!
She is making her bf feel very insecure by seeing you. She probably enjoys that - she is controlling him as much as she is controlling you. The fact that you have a gf shocks me - WTF are you doing dating someone else when you are clearly so hung up on this woman you can't see straight?? It's so unfair to your gf!! That just sucks.

If you agree to this happy little double-date, you deserve all the sh*t that will rain down upon your head. And trust me, your gf will dump you immediately afterwards, if not during the date itself. As she should.

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Anyway she is telling me to try and make it work with my gf but its hard because all i can think of is my ex.
I think you should end it with your gf. She deserves better than to be with a guy who can't stop thinking about his ex and thinks contact with his ex is more important that his gf. She deserves a man who thinks only about her. You are not emotionally available.

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Then she torments me as she walks out of my house by telling me about do you remember what is feels like to have sex with me and how great it is and how she does this etc. She said, 'Shame that we can't do it anymore, but if I was to pay her she might for a lot of money.! I told her I'd never pay her for that. What is she up to? Anyone here think shes mad about the double date idea?
Uh, no. As I said, she wants to keep you on the leash, this time by making you think about sex with her. As to her offering to f*ck you for money, that makes her a prostitute. What exactly makes this woman so wonderful to you? She sounds pretty messed up and downright mean.
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