wheresthesunset Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 I have known a guy for the last 2 years. The first time I saw him there were big sparks flying, I took one look at him smiling at me and nearly fell over on the spot. We bumped into each other from time to time and always the same. Eventually I asked him out, he said it was a bad time as he was 'sort of' seeing someone. We continued to be in daily contact, by email. Lots of flirting. Him and the girl broke up. He started flirting even more by email with me but backed off when I said why didn't we go out somewhere in real life. Also seemed unsure about having broken with her which is maybe why. I dropped contact for a few months. I was dating other people but not a patch on him. Gradually got back in contact. Flirting again. After a bad dating experience I didn't want to date anyone for a while, so asked him to be friends. He agreed. It got sexual, I got more involved, he said he wasn't ready to exclusively date me, had agreed to friendship and if I wanted more I should tell him what. I said FWB wasn't an option for me. I asked what he wanted, he said friendship. Another time I mentioned that he said that was all he wanted, and he said that had been my words put in his mouth, and what I said I wanted originally. I figured it out and said that I did want more, but if he wanted we could just be friends (but then with no physical) and he should let me know. I have really been open and honest about where I stand but no reply from him on the subject. If I start to walk away from the situation, he comes running to pull me back but won't tell me straight what he really wants. He did say that 'friends' was an all-encompassing term for him and didn't imply a lack of anything. Also he said something vague that he has always been interested and I had misunderstood him before about not being interested in real life. He puts so much effort into persuading me to meet with him, (it is always late at night because of the crazy hours he has to work). Then when we meet there is so much passion, but afterwards he turns away and falls asleep. We have a lot of common interests and ideas about life. I think we are compatible. We see each other at least twice a week and daily contact by email, phone etc. I know he has issues with intimacy and commitment. I accept that and know what I am getting into, that it could take a long time to resolve and am willing to not try and push things now. I know he tends to drift along and let others decide for him. Reading the signs (turning away after passion, no 'little signs' like going the extra mile) he is not as much into me as I am into him right now. I am willing to give it time to find out how he feels, but I want him in the end to make a rational decision if he wants this, because I think it will be stronger that way than just drifting in. It has been at this stage for maybe 3-4 weeks now, which obviously isn't very long and probably too short to tell, but how long should I give it? I have never really done casual dating - only relationships. I don't know what to do here. Friends tell me I should keep dating other people. I don't want to, but maybe I should for self-preservation? Although he said he didn't want to be exclusive, he never has much time to see anyone else so I am not too worried about that. I think he would probably feel jealous if I saw other people, even though he said he didn't want exclusivity right now, and also I would actually feel like I was cheating. It would feel like a risk - maybe it would be the prod to make him realise how he feels either way, or maybe he will think I am just interested in having a good time and seeing any man and not specifically him. I don't know what to do. Any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 He puts so much effort into persuading me to meet with him, (it is always late at night because of the crazy hours he has to work). Then when we meet there is so much passion, but afterwards he turns away and falls asleep. Sounds like a classic booty call. ...he said he didn't want to be exclusive...I think he would probably feel jealous if I saw other people...also I would actually feel like I was cheating... Hun, what you have here is a FWB on his side and an unsatisfying r/s with an uncommitted man on your side. I wouldn't give this any time at all. I don't think it likely that he will come around to wanting a r/s with you when he's already getting his most important ENs (emotional needs) met without the obligations of a r/s. You appear to want a r/s, and I am afraid that ongoing involvement with this clever and self-serving person will effectively prevent you from seeing any other possibilities out there. For you, I recommend breaking up with him, and focussing on casual dating (== non-exclusive, no sex) until you have had the chance to experience AT LEAST 10 male possibilities. And don't tell me they are not out there, I know they are. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 He did say that 'friends' was an all-encompassing term for him and didn't imply a lack of anything. Also he said something vague that he has always been interested and I had misunderstood him before about not being interested in real life. I totally agree with Solemate. Look at some of the other threads on LS about friends with benefits. This guy puts more effort into bullsh*tting to get what he wants than being a real friend to you. It's not that he's afraid of a relationship with you or anyone else, he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. If you're fine with providing him sexual and emotional attention fully on his terms, go ahead. If you want an actual relationship with someone who gives and just doesn't take, end your friendship with this guy and don't return his calls/emails. Take your time to get to know other, more worthwhile men. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wheresthesunset Posted June 13, 2006 Author Share Posted June 13, 2006 Thanks guys! After your responses I asked him out straight and he said it was just something casual to him and reminded me that we had agreed to friendship. I reminded him that I had always made it clear that FWB was not on offer from me and that I felt more I am inclined to want to keep his friendship but on the other hand I was really falling for him and miss him a lot if I don't have contact with him - plus he still flirts which doesn't make it easier. And I am mixed up because at the same time I have lost respect for him now after some of the things he said and am torn between wanting to see him as a friend and having a negative feeling towards him. So maybe I need to break contact totally, at least for now. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
typical Posted June 13, 2006 Share Posted June 13, 2006 When I met him, I liked him.. When I liked him, I loved him... When I loved him, I let him....... When I let him, he left................. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted June 18, 2006 Share Posted June 18, 2006 Thats funny when they call it * friends * with benefits when all thats really happening is lots of sex. Call it for what it is. Fu** buddies. Thats why they should change the name to FB's Link to post Share on other sites
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