Chipmonk Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 I have no story, I want YOUR stories... A lot of posts talk about the "I don't want to ruin our friendship" line, how friends can't date because it ruins friendships. I'm honestly at a loss about what that means - what is a friendship ruined by dating? I could see problems if one person falls really, really hard and the other person doesn't take that well, but friendships have problems of "I like the person my friend is dating" that seem far worse, at least to me. So? Your stories, how has dating ruined your friendships? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 "Don't want to ruin the friendship" is a nice way of saying "While I enjoy your company, I'm not interested in you romantically and do not want to date you." I have found that the most successful relationships are the ones that incorporate genuine 'friendship' feelings along with 'romantic' feelings. That way, if the romance wanes - there is a solid base of friendship where you enjoy the person's company, even when the lovin' is on 'slow simmer'. That's what my relationship with Mr. B is now - solid friends, with romance on the side. In another more unfortunate case, me and my college-years fiance started out as friends - which was replaced by romance, and when that died there was no friendship to fall back on. It ended badly. If there are no romantic feelings though - then trying to force romance where there is none will indeed 'ruin the friendship', because 'friendship' is all there is. Link to post Share on other sites
fishtaco Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 Note I'm a guy, so this is from a guy's perspective. But I'm sure the reverse happens also... So... if friendship is so important to a successful relationship, then how come many women will feel "betrayed" when a male friend hits up on them? Don't they then already have the friendship as foundation to start from, which would be a plus? Even if there's no interest, what about a simple no, instead of the dramatic "betrayed"? I didn't date a girl because "I didn't want to ruin the friendship". Not because I wasn't interested in her romantically, I seriously did not want to chance ruining the friendship because she is so important to me. Maybe I was wrong, but to me it was basically an all-or-nothing bet. If I failed (as in, romance was only on my part), I was afraid of the "betrayed" reaction, I was also afraid of creating discomfort and tension between us. But I think I made the right decision. I've already moved on, and she's still one of my best friends. Seem to me friends can date as long as both parties have interest in romance. But finding that out without stirring things up is the hard part. Almost seems easier to date someone you've just met. Go ahead and ask, if you get a no, big deal, go hide in the corner until you recover and try again. That's how I met my last girlfriend, it lasted for two years. Then recently I've had a string of rejections from women I just met. Crushing defeat to my self esteem, but no other drama. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 1. So... if friendship is so important to a successful relationship, then how come many women will feel "betrayed" when a male friend hits up on them? 2. Don't they then already have the friendship as foundation to start from, which would be a plus? 3. Even if there's no interest, what about a simple no, instead of the dramatic "betrayed"? Heh.. such a quandry, eh? 1. Because she has gotten very comfy with the 'friend guy' and when he starts taking it to a romance level, she no longer feels comfortable being 'herself' (ie: talking about other guys, dressing casually, etc). She is forced to see that he sees her as a woman and not just as a person - basically, a 'betrayal' of her as a person, when she is overlooked in lieu of her potential role as sex/romance object. Something about knowing a person wants you makes it a whole less lot comfortable - you have to watch what you say, what you do (so that he won't misinterpret it) - you have to worry about him getting jealous or possessive, you can't share secrets, etc. This is ESPECIALLY uncomfortable because there are no romantic feelings on her part. Now she has to feel guilty because she can't return those feelings, and things will just get 'weird'. It can really suck to lose a 'friend guy' like that when you genuinely like being around him. 2. Yes, but if there is no romantic spark to begin with, there likely never will be one. That 'spark' is what determines whether you will be the 'just friends' guy. The strength of the spark determines how slow or fast it can evolve into something more. No spark, though = no romance. 3. Because there is hurt involved. No one likes to lose a 'friend guy' (if he is genuinely appreciated as a friend and is treated like one, and not called 'friend' and then subsequently ignored.) A genuine 'friend guy' is a girl's male perspective - someone who knows the secrets of the 'enemy' - someone who can advise on 'men type stuff'. Someone who can answer embarrasing questions that a girl would NEVER ask a 'boyfriend' type guy. There is a certain level of embarrassment with the 'boyfriend' type guy because she wants to impress him. With the 'friend guy' she knows she doesn't have to worry about that. Its a total comfort thing. If the romance wrench gets thrown into it, she sees it as a rejection of her as a friend and her anger/guilt at not being able to return those feelings just add to it. Hence, 'betrayal' and not a tepid 'no thanks'. She knows that with romance introduced, the friendship is for all intents and purposes over. That big huge elephant will always be in the living room now. She will never quite convince herself that you will be able to put those feelings for her away. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 I have found that the most successful relationships are the ones that incorporate genuine 'friendship' feelings along with 'romantic' feelings. That way, if the romance wanes - there is a solid base of friendship where you enjoy the person's company, even when the lovin' is on 'slow simmer'. That's what my relationship with Mr. B is now - solid friends, with romance on the side. In another more unfortunate case, me and my college-years fiance started out as friends - which was replaced by romance, and when that died there was no friendship to fall back on. It ended badly. If there are no romantic feelings though - then trying to force romance where there is none will indeed 'ruin the friendship', because 'friendship' is all there is. you've said it well here, LB. I've never seen it in this light. Link to post Share on other sites
fundamental Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 I have found that the most successful relationships are the ones that incorporate genuine 'friendship' feelings along with 'romantic' feelings. That way, if the romance wanes - there is a solid base of friendship where you enjoy the person's company, even when the lovin' is on 'slow simmer'. If there are no romantic feelings though - then trying to force romance where there is none will indeed 'ruin the friendship', because 'friendship' is all there is I agree with this very much! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 10, 2005 Share Posted September 10, 2005 "Don't want to ruin the friendship" is a nice way of saying "While I enjoy your company, I'm not interested in you romantically and do not want to date you." I agree and to the end I would add: "and don't want to have sex w/ you". Link to post Share on other sites
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