Tough "friend" decision

[Contrariwise]

I have posted a few times in the past on my friendzone issues. I’ve also talked about a particular friendzone situation with a coworker. I know, I know… There are going to be a lot of replies warning against relationships with coworkers and I understand that position. Fortunately, this has not turned into a fiasco at work. I’ll give some background and then pose my question.

 

I started work at a new job about 1 year ago and this coworker and I had to share an office space. Even though we had to sit less than 3 feet from each other all day, we were okay with this and there really wasn’t much choice. For the first 3 months we just exchanged the usual daily pleasantries and keep the conversations pretty office friendly. After about 3 months, we started attending business dinners together and things changed. We found we had a lot in common, had some great laughs, and started texting funny things back and forth occasionally. This fairly quickly blossomed into very regular text messaging at work (yes, we were still 3 feet from each other) and outside of work. Then the flirty texts started (nothing hot and heavy) and we started hanging out together outside of work. On days we did not work together, there would be a lot of “I miss you” texts. Going to movies, getting drinks, concerts, etc… together, alone. And by alone I mean, without her boyfriend. Dun-dun-duuuuuun!

 

Mind you, nothing physical ever happened between us. Most of it could be interpreted as two really good friends hanging out. The one day when I was off I get a text message from her asking if I wanted to go to a movie together. Sure, why not. I was a movie we both really wanted to see. But… something was different in the texting that made me think this may not be a typical invite. So, I pushed the boundaries a little. I ran out and bought some of her favorite snacks and little cartons of wine which I snuck into the movie. She was ecstatic. We watched the movie, enjoyed the snacks, and spent the whole movie leaned in towards each others in the seats with occasional glances back and forth with smiling. Although, again, there was no direct contact such as hand holding or anything like that, for the life of me, this felt like a “date” rather than two buds hanging out. Apparently, I was gravely mistaken…

 

Things continued as they had been. A few days later, I decided to semi-confront her about it. I sent a text and asked if she was seeing me as more than a friend or potential romantic interest. That was a big “no”. To sum it up, I am her BFF and she is happy with her BF, both of which seemed contradictory to previous conversations. She made a point of telling me all his flaws, which made me think they were on the out. Looking back, it is very possible she was just confiding in me.

 

To my surprise, I took it kind of hard. I had developed feelings for her without really realizing it and this was pretty much a rejection. I wasn’t really sure how to go forward and I definitely didn’t want work to get complicated, so I suggested we create a little distance in the friendship and I moved my office. We took the distance thing a bit further than expected and had almost no contact for almost 2 months. No more nick-names, no more texting, and certainly nothing flirty. She started talking about her BF more often publicly and in a better light.

 

A couple weeks ago we had another business dinner that we both attended and we talked a little. Later that night I got a text message from her saying that she “missed out BFF status” and wanted to work on things. I said I’d be willing to try, but that the distance was the right decision. Since then, things are slowly picking up to where things used to be but I have not fully thrown myself into it. I still have feeling and every shared laugh is painful. I can understand with the friendzone relationships tend not to last.

 

I think the biggest thing that kills me is that everything seemed so convincing that she was into me as more than a friend. I have discussed it with mutual friends and some say that I was just seeing what I wanted to see, and other say they thought there was some unspoken chemistry, too. I don’t know… We will continue to be friends to some degree but I don’t see it ever getting back to that level. Especially when it is unclear to me where she truly stands. Part of me doesn’t want to believe it, but I feel like I was played. It could have been innocent BFF stuff, but that last “date” just seemed so obvious and she was so into it. I miss “us”, but I know I will fall back into the same false hope.

 

So, I guess my question is, what do you guys think? Does this sound like a typical friendzone situation? Does it sound like there might have been more going on or am I just seeing what I wanted to see? I guess that’s probably hard to answer without being there, but I’m hoping someone has had a similar experience.

[d0nnivain]

It's the typical friendzone thing. . . maybe "work husband" in that you boost her ego, flirt with her & pamper her when you spend time together on these quasi dates. On some level some may say she's carrying on an EA with you, but the bottom line remains that she is still dating her actual BF & she has not expressed an interest in dating you. She merely misses the ego stoke you offered her.

 

Proceed with the utmost caution because all I see is heartache in your future.

[Contrariwise]

It's the typical friendzone thing. . . maybe "work husband" in that you boost her ego, flirt with her & pamper her when you spend time together on these quasi dates. On some level some may say she's carrying on an EA with you, but the bottom line remains that she is still dating her actual BF & she has not expressed an interest in dating you.

 

I think you are on to something. I wasn’t aware of the concept of a “work spouse”. After doing some reading, it sounds like this could be the case, or at least part of what was going on.

[preraph]

It's exactly what she said. She's a chatty person and enjoyed being friends and confiding in you, but she is not interested in becoming romantic with you. She wants to just be friends and it's no skin off her back since she isn't the one who will be hurt and "waiting" for something more. So you need to either be honest with her and tell her "friends isn't a good idea for me" or just start distancing yourself because "I'm busy."

[Contrariwise]

So you need to either be honest with her and tell her "friends isn't a good idea for me" or just start distancing yourself because "I'm busy."

 

Oh yeah, I have no intention of letting it get back to the point where we were hanging out like before. I’ve restricted things to groups only with mutual friends. I refuse to be the stand-in “good time” for her to feel better about herself and run home to bang the BF. That’s just stupid. I don’t understand why she just doesn’t confront her BF about whatever she is missing and fix things or confide in a female friend.

[preraph]

One way I knew she wasn't romantic feeling with you is she is talking to you just like a girlfriend. Women talk about their man problems with each other.

[snowboy91]

Oh yeah, I have no intention of letting it get back to the point where we were hanging out like before. I’ve restricted things to groups only with mutual friends. I refuse to be the stand-in “good time” for her to feel better about herself and run home to bang the BF. That’s just stupid. I don’t understand why she just doesn’t confront her BF about whatever she is missing and fix things or confide in a female friend.

 

It's really unfortunate that the only problem that arose was that you developed feelings for her. This happens sometimes, and it's always sad when it means you can't be as close as you once were.

 

She's looking for a close friend to confide in when it comes to problems in her relationship, which happens to be you. Now I understand that you've developed feelings for her and thus you're frustrated for misinterpreting the signs, but do you value the friendship with her as is (or, as it was when you did a lot of things together)? Is it not the point of a friendship to help each other feel better when we're feeling down? I think you've got a great friend here, and it would be a shame to lose this friendship to some misinterpreted signals. Perhaps you should meet this BF some time?

[Contrariwise]

Is it not the point of a friendship to help each other feel better when we're feeling down? I think you've got a great friend here, and it would be a shame to lose this friendship to some misinterpreted signals. Perhaps you should meet this BF some time?

 

Yes, the ideal solution would be for me to suck it up, acknowledge there was misinterpreted signals, and resume the friendship as it was. Unfortunately, it is one of those situations where emotions override logic.

 

I have met the BF. Can't say I really had any real impression.

[Contrariwise]

you're frustrated for misinterpreting the signs

 

Part of the frustration is that I'm not so sure I was misinterpreting the signs. Her response would suggest that I misinterpreted things, but my gut (and some friends) says there is more to this.

 

Either way, what's done is done, I guess. She has stated her position and I'm left scratching my head.

[WorldInMyEyes]

Sage advice from this guy for you, broski:

 

[Contrariwise]

Sage advice from this guy for you, broski

 

Some good thoughts in the video, but I think it is a bit too black and white. This would make perfect sense if you subscribe to the whole red pill/alpha male world view, but I don't think you can boil human relations down to a lowest common denominator like this.

 

The things I agree with: Yes, there was probably some kind of initial attraction, though, it almost certainly was not a physical attraction towards me. I also agree that if there every was an opportunity (doubtful), it has passed. And, the relationship from here forward will probably be one sided. She will get all be benefits of having a BF and BFF, while I'm left hoping there might be a chance later (which will never happen).

[Contrariwise]

And I have found that I am hopeless...

 

I had managed to cut things between us down to mostly office related conversation and slowly back away from the situation for a couple weeks, but last night we had a job related dinner function and she wanted to ride there together. I figured that was harmless enough. We got there and we were the only people to show up. Things basically fell back right back into place. It was like it was at the height of things and that nothing had happened. Sharing our glasses of wine, nudging each other, little smiles back and forth, lots of laughter. Everything came rushing back for me. We drove back in her car and she made a point of playing make-up and love songs, knowing full well what she was doing.

 

When I got home, all I could think was "well, f*** me".

[Versacehottie]

Part of the frustration is that I'm not so sure I was misinterpreting the signs. Her response would suggest that I misinterpreted things, but my gut (and some friends) says there is more to this.

 

Either way, what's done is done, I guess. She has stated her position and I'm left scratching my head.

 

I believe you. Have seen this situation. I think it just came to a head sooner than she was expecting to need to make a decision or have the situation to the best of her benefit i.e. the attention. Then she acts all offended like you misinterpreted every situation etc. The key is would her bf be ok with what you guys had been doing? Um, no. Ie it absolutely was flirting and progressing.

 

Now that you put it out there and she basically rejected you though, it just where you are now. You need to accept it. I don't think you should give her the friendship back to normal. Keep the distance. You'd be lying to yourself that the reason you'd be resuming closeness was to just be "friends". You would be hoping for your chance or that things will change. You have the added benefit that she sees you all the time at work. Keep your distance and live your life. Subtly make sure she knows you are having fun and moving forward. This is a better plan to force her hand than agreeing to the legit friend zone. If she never comes around, and you are truly over the feelings like much later, maybe you can be friends.

 

I think she is 50/50 to come around. She was loving the attention and crossing the line. People either do that because they are attracted to you but can't make up their mind regarding how or if they should move forward. Or she is a total attention, narcissist type person. If she really likes you, that probably won't change and her bf might continue to get on her nerves so that if she is not able to fulfill her needs as she was with both of you she will be forced to do something about it. If she is just a narcissist, she will likely move onto the next person who will give her a ton of attention and validation--unless that person is you again, don't fall for this one. Stay to what you said and see if she comes around. Best plan. Good luck. Oh and live your life in the meantime, you might find something better.

Edited March 22, 2018 by Versacehottie

[Contrariwise]

People either do that because they are attracted to you but can't make up their mind regarding how or if they should move forward. Or she is a total attention, narcissist type person.

 

Great reply! I can see either of these possibilities being the case. I think there was some chemistry, but, she is also someone of likes attention.

 

I'm glad you picked up on the "boyfriend approval" thing, too. I have no idea how much he knew about our outtings and most of them were on days he worked late. I can't imagine that he knew and was comfortable with it.

Edited March 22, 2018 by Contrariwise