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Dated briefly then 7 years as best friends. Suddenly heartbroken.

Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

Old 5th March 2018, 1:36 PM   #16
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 11
ES, This is something I've been thinking about lately. My ex was definitely a manic pixie type and as you said the drama and chaos eventually was too much. However I'm a bit on the shy and introspective side myself and often have some anxiety about rejection and approaching and pursing women. Usually I find myself nervous about misinterpreting signs of attraction and moving things along in that direction. With the maniac pixie girls they're usually either pursing you or at least telegraphing their attraction loud and clear. This was definitely an issue when I was dating my introspective friend 7 years ago. I could never figure out where she was at with attraction in any given moment. I think she probably felt rejected sometimes because I didn't pursue. Unfortunately my friend often falls for the player types because they're so good at reading those subtle cues and pushing past her anxiety.

So do you reject the men that have previously gone for the manic pixie girls because you resent them or because you believe they haven't changed their preference? To me that seems overly harsh and maybe shutting down some good potential matches. As we have relationships we learn what works for us and what doesn't. I would certainly never date another girl like my ex again and have learned from my experience with my friend that the more introspective girls would actually be a healthier match for me. The challenge now is how to learn how to push through my nervousness and progress a relationship with someone more like my friend.

Anyway, interesting food for thought. Thanks!

Originally Posted by Eternal Sunshine View Post
I am someone with similar personality to her - somewhat shy and introspective. I have often been overlooked by guys because they prefered "doing cartwheels on the beach" types. And they have often tried to come back to me after they got worn out by all the drama those types bring.

I have never and would never give someone like that another chance. I can talk to them and be friends with them but my romantic feelings for them are dead. My dream guy would find the "manic pixie dream girl" types as annoying as I do. I would even go as far as to say that if I meet a divorced guy and find out that he was married to that type of person, I would not date him.
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Old 6th March 2018, 10:30 AM   #17
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hey t/r/m.

just keep with it all, you've learned a lot on this journey of yours, however painful or frustrating at times.

never say never where the heart (or life is concerned) for that matter, who knows - it might be that you end up blissfully happy with someone that is actually a lot like your ex - they are just more compatible or they understand and share your values more.

of course, I think you may for now be more suited with a more introspective gal so you can get your courage and sense of old self back.

I think one thing that we all could do to remember (and I include myself in this too) is that as people we probably do have more of an inkling of who may be better suited for us (deep down) and often tend to overlook things that happen and keep on happening down the line that are not best suited for us or that well balanced with another we admire.

love is one of those things that you cant force or keep hold of if both parties are not wanting the same things. (or are not prepared to work to change it for the better)...

ok, so I got back to you sooner than I expected, but just trust yourself and allow someone when the time is right for you to meet and like all the things that make you you.

someone out there will like your introspection and shyness, a lot of women will find that refreshing and mature rather than having to battle with men that are too busy massaging their own ego's or parading their masculinity at the expense of their partners feelings or understanding how tedious to be or having to feel a constant need to come over as the alpha male is.

ok, that's me done on this one, you are gunna be just fine. and so Is the person you shack up with eventually who can give you the reciprocated love that you are looking for when it comes.

BEST WISHES tiny robot man. maxi.
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Old 7th March 2018, 2:50 PM   #18
Join Date: Feb 2018
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Thanks maxi. Pretty sure I don't need anyone like my ex ever again. The farther I get away from that the more I realize how destructive she was.

Funny thing last weekend, I met basically the female version of myself. She's much younger and in a relationship, so obviously no dating potential there, but completely weird how similar in almost every way down to some of the quirkiest details and even the way she speaks. It gives me hope that maybe somewhere out there is my match, but it always feels like such a needle in a haystack, especially with OLD.

I still miss my best friend so, so much and have to fight every day to maintain no contact. Especially since I know she would love to have me back as a friend but I have to work on myself now more than ever and not get caught back in "the zone".

One "bonus" of being heart broken is that it kills my appetite and desire to drink so I've lost 10 lbs. Always look on the bright side right ...
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Old 8th March 2018, 7:25 AM   #19
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Hey u robot man ...keep going, we are all rootin for ya.

yes, its funny how different people spring up and can be like elements of us or folks we know.

you will find your needle in the haystack, and there are millions of needles and millions of bales of hay all looking for the other...

well ok, then fine, you are probably best to stay away from the destructive kinda gal that she was in terms of the relationship match; so at least that is a step forward, not everyone realizes the damage others in relationships (and of course I am not talking everyone here...but the ones that are in manipulating scenarios or bullying abusive etc, not everyone there knows, recognises it or has the strength or support or connections to deal with it, and it always seems worse in some ways when those people are good people who still have love and are wanting to change the people that are abusing them or treating them so poorly.

but give it time, it will heal you in its own time so get on with things the best you can and "congratulations" on the 10lb weight loss, (see there are changes already...and physically now as well as positive small mental improvements to how you are seeing things); remember to keep those that love you for you and for the good person you are close to hand, they are the things that will really help you get your old self back again....and who knows, in time when the pain and wondering of all this has passed, im sure you will be able to face this girl and evaluate things on a more level setting and look at things more as an outsider would, but with the ability to talk and know her if she would want that friendship in the future.

if you get her as an acquaintance in the future then go with that, but don't let that be your thing, it will happen naturally if it is going to happen.

keep with it, you are sounding sunnier each time we chat just keep going. best wishes, maxi
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Old 16th March 2018, 1:27 AM   #20
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 11
So being the guy that has to know the "why" of things I've been reading a bunch of relationship books over the last few weeks in a quest to understand what happened between me and my best friend. These including "The Man's Guide to Women" (why isn't that assigned reading in 9th grade?!) and "The Science of Happily Ever After", both excellent reads. After reading these books I've come to believe a lot of these friendzone type situations happen because of differences in the way men and women relate.

According to the books women relate to other women friends as well as their male partner in an emotionally intimate way. That is they share how things in their life are going emotionally, how things make them feel and want to be heard and listened to. When men get together with their male friends they don't relate emotionally but factually (ie. "Hey, I just bought a new truck"). This has certainly been the case in my experience, with some men barely being able to relate emotional experiences to their friends at all and who's only emotional confidant is their girlfriend or wife.

Where I think the friendzone fiasco often happens is when a women starts to see a single male friend who they are emotionally close with but don't desire a relationship with as another girlfriend. The relationship starts to take on an emotional intimacy which the women thinks of as a very close friend relationship and the man starts to see as a romantic relationship because men are used to only experiencing close emotional relationships with their girlfriends or wives. This mismatch is due to differences in how men and women relate as friends. The women often seems surprised or taken aback by the man's growing attachment and his romantic feelings and the man can't understand why the women doesn't see him romantically. It's neither one's fault but just a fact of nature that leads to heartbreak for the man involved and frustration for the women.

It's important to distinguish between unrequited crushes and friendships or people who have previously dated who've moved into the unfortunate friendzone. The unrequited crush can happen to both sexes in much the same way when one person doesn't really know the object of their crush and constructs an unrealistic romantic fantasy. However I believe the classic friendzone problem is fairly unique to close friendship style differences between men and women. After my heartbreaking experience with my best friend I've come to think that men and women can't actually be "best" friends. The man will almost always want something more if he's even remotely attracted to the women (and no I don't mean just sex) and the friendship becomes emotionally intimate. Men and women can certainly be friends but usually things need to remain on the same more surface level like a man would have with his male friends.

As for me I'm going to try to be just friends with my best friend I fell for because it would suck to not have her at all in my life considering what we've shared. However things can't ever be the same as they were before when we spent huge amounts of time together and shared so much. That's just an unfortunate fact of how I'm wired. The next person I'm that close with needs to be my actual partner or wife.

Honestly this has been probably the most difficult healing process of my life, even more than the breakup with my long term ex. At least I could hate my ex for the terrible things she did. My friend didn't do anything wrong other than try and be my best friend which makes it all the worse because I still love her. Hopefully somewhere out there in this ocean of sadness there's another shore because I still feel like I'm drowning.

Interested in thoughts on my friendzone conclusions.


Last edited by tinyrobotman; 16th March 2018 at 1:33 AM..
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