LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > Friends and Lovers

confused! my boyfriend never shows he cares and he treats me as a friend..


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

Old 18th June 2005, 1:14 PM   #1
oneconfusedgirl
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
confused! my boyfriend never shows he cares and he treats me as a friend..

my boyfriend treats me like a friend...he doesn't treat me like his girlfriend....

he acts like he doesn't care...even though he says he does...and i don't know whether to believe him or not...i want to because i care A LOT about him and he claims he does, too....but why doesn't he show he cares?

he was a spoiled child, so maybe that may be a reason...he always got what he wanted...and he's not arrogant but a bit selfish at times...my belief is that he thinks about himself more than others

my question is...should i trust him and believe him when he says he cares? is he worth it? my friends tell me to slowly pull away from him (cause i don't wanna get hurt) and see how he responds...if he acts like nothing's wrong or if he actually gets concerned...

i'm just really confused because i care about him so much and i really wanna be with him...but i don't know if he wants the same or if he's just not ready for a relationship...?is he worth it?
  Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2005, 6:17 PM   #2
LoveShack.org Alumni
 
Curt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: The Tower of Song
Posts: 1,016
Well...

If he doesn't treat you as a girfriend, and you are forced to wonder about whether he cares for you or not, and you clearly love him ... then what kind of a relationship do you have?

IMHO, a very one-sided one. Maybe you are too available and attached to him for him to consider you a challenge.

You should ask this: Should you need to be a challenge to him for him to love you, and show equal affection to what you show him?

Just something to think about.
__________________
The problem with being brutally honest in communicating with other people, is that it often ends up creating more brutality than honesty in communications.
{Psychology Today}

"You can't exactly control the way you feel, but you can contain it."
- angelj {LoveShack Member}

"Wise are they who have learned these truths - trouble is temporary, time is a tonic, tribulation is a test tube."
- William Arthur Ward
Curt is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th June 2005, 3:33 PM   #3
Established Member
 
drgnflybethany's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 106
I know full well the pain you are going through, as I was married with the same problem. The problem? It took me 6 years to realize that this was never going to be what I needed it to be.

Those are the key words there - what I needed it to be.

He was perfectly happy - but emotionally unavailable, actually, emotionally neglectful, which is a form of abuse, believe it or not. It took me getting the kind of attention I was craving from another source (not an affair, just a friend).. to realize that the way I needed to be treated was not the way I was being treated by the one person in my life who should give a damn..

In other words, my husband went out of his way to make me invisible to the world - to make me want to be invisible to the world. The way he wouldn't touch me, barely talk to me.. definitely not show he cared - was just too much for me to take...

I went through a severe depression - and if I stayed with him, would have died - from being sick because of depression..

It may hurt to leave - and I'm not going to lie to you - it was definitely very hard to leave... but, in the long run, you will find someone who will love you - like you need to be loved..

Those are the key words - if he is not loving you like you need to be loved, then leave.. either he'll follow you and try to change - or he won't

Either way - you'll be better protected for yourself, emotionally...

Take care, sweetie..

Bethany
drgnflybethany is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th June 2005, 3:29 PM   #4
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: L.A.
Posts: 32
Hi!!

Your post, and drgnflybethany's comments really drew me in. Specifically because I am almost in the exact same situation currently. It is tough when you love someone and you dont know what they are thinking especially when they are emotionally unattatched.

My b/f is so aloof that and unemotional with me that I sometimes cry...(not in front of him) Yet he tells me he loves me, swears up and down it is forever. To me, I see him as a man in a commited relationship who still has a "single man's" mind and heart. He never asks me to go anywhere with him and seems more content to let me "house-sit" while he is out with his friends. It is as drgnflybethany said:

"In other words, my husband went out of his way to make me invisible to the world - to make me want to be invisible to the world. The way he wouldn't touch me, barely talk to me.. definitely not show he cared - was just too much for me to take"

This was exactly how I felt and still feel.

I am coping now, day by day, and this is how:
By doing EXACTLY what your friends are telling you to do. Withdraw from him. Little by little. I believe this is the right thing to do. What else can you do when he wont respond to anything? It is as if you do not exist, correct?? So, start creating your own way. Get involved in other things, pretend you are not interested in him, ( even though you may be seething with interest on the inside) and see where that goes.
THIS HAS WORKED FOR ME:
When i have withdrawn and became particularly quiet and aloof, it seemed he was more affectionate and loving and wanted to know what I was thinking. I stumbled upon this way by accident. I was feeling morose and somber and withdrawn and gloomy and stuck in my own thoughts and felt like being quiet and unapproachable.
And wouldnt you know it, HE actually initiated contact, although hesitant and fleeting it gave me hope.

I would love to hear more of yours and drgnflybethany's story, for by sharing, it gives us hope and sends a message that we are not alone.
pixie-stixs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th June 2005, 3:40 PM   #5
Member
 
Marshbear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Missouri
Posts: 1,015
Re: confused! my boyfriend never shows he cares and he treats me as a friend..

Quote:
Originally posted by oneconfusedgirl
my boyfriend treats me like a friend...he doesn't treat me like his girlfriend....

he acts like he doesn't care...even though he says he does...and i don't know whether to believe him or not...i want to because i care A LOT about him and he claims he does, too....but why doesn't he show he cares?

he was a spoiled child, so maybe that may be a reason...he always got what he wanted...and he's not arrogant but a bit selfish at times...my belief is that he thinks about himself more than others

my question is...should i trust him and believe him when he says he cares? is he worth it? my friends tell me to slowly pull away from him (cause i don't wanna get hurt) and see how he responds...if he acts like nothing's wrong or if he actually gets concerned...

i'm just really confused because i care about him so much and i really wanna be with him...but i don't know if he wants the same or if he's just not ready for a relationship...?is he worth it?
If he treats you like a friend then how can you be his G/F?
If you are not getting out of the relationship that you want then maybe it is time for you to get what you want, don't you think?
I would tell him your feelings and see his response ( by words and actions ).
One- sided relationships don't work for long. Time to cut-bait and swim rather than sink.
Marshbear is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st June 2005, 12:45 AM   #6
Established Member
 
drgnflybethany's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 106
More...

Well, the problem with my ex-husband wasn't that he would go out with his friends - b/c he wouldn't. He wouldn't invite them over to the house -

I was a good wife to this man... accomodating - even now. Generous with his time, with my time... always willing to meet halfway.

He wanted to sit on the couch - that's pretty much it.

He is an avid hockey fan... so I find it ironic I left in the year the NHL was locked out. He LOVES the Toronto Maple Leafs... Loves that team.. During hockey season, he would come home, plop down in front of the couch, turn on the game (we paid extra for all the hockey games), and put a tape in the VCR. He would watch the pregame show, the actual game, and the post game show. Then, he would rewind the tape in the VCR and watch every single goal again - and particularly good or bad moments of the game - that he had not only just seen in the same game, but also in the post game highlights. THEN, he would sit at the computer for at least 45 minutes and read about the game he just watched. That endeavor took at least 5 hours out of his day - and he was willing and able to do it, at least twice a week, sometimes up to four times a week, and definitely, all week long during the damn playoffs. I tried to watch a game here and there, but every damn game of the season...

This is what he could do rather than answering, "How was your day, sweetheart?"

This is what he could do rather than helping to clean the house - or even take care of the yard. Work and Hockey - and when Hockey was in its off season, I had a little bit of a break - but he was also a baseball fan.

My parents were deciding on gifts for Christmas... and my Dad wanted to get each of us one or two really nice gifts... and he was at a loss for what to get my then hubby. I told my Dad he could look into Aeros tickets (not the NHL, but the best thing we have in town). My Dad said season tickets - and I said, sure, why not? It would get hubby out of the house - and on his own...

I told hubby about them - and do you know what he said? I don't think I'd be interested in driving downtown to the games all the time.

Now ex-hubby didn't want to combine work friends with home life... I offered several times to have his best friend and his wife over to dinner. No answer.

There was no touching - that last year. The last time we had sex was the day before I left for the campaign in Ohio - and that was more out of obligation - I felt on both of our parts, than anything else.

I have missed so very much the pleasant sensation of kissing... I'm a great kisser... ex is not - and thank god, things turned out the way they did, because I was so exhausted from trying to gently teach him how to kiss. (It's not rocket science...)

Leaving was hard... I never thought I could.. but we had been pushing each other away for years. I was the strong one - strong enough to leave.

Hardest thing? It's taken me a long time to get up to flirting with a boy in a coffee shop - I don't even know if the other guy is interested... but ex is now onto having sex with a "friend" from work... That he never did anything with while we were married...

There were signs of cheating that I missed, too.. and that breaks my heart. I was very loyal - still am... that's why leaving was so hard. The guilt I have put myself through has been near unbearable... and my friends, while loving and gentle and caring... don't understand the guilt I've put myself through... I've walked away from my house - the house I picked out - the house I decorated and cleaned... and loved... I've had to walk away from my two beautiful dogs - Lady, my cocker spaniel, and Ashleigh, my beagle...

There are times when I can't believe I am now divorced, as a large portion of my energy in life went into pleasing this man - and trying to make a happy home and being the best wife I could be. I tried so very hard... so very hard... for naught.

I denied so much of what was going wrong. The problem is, I didn't see how bad things were until I got out of the situation - albeit temporarily - and back into the biggest love of my life - politics... that I realized how bad things were. Meeting someone on the campaign trail that treated me like a princess, how my husband should be treating me - didn't hurt, either... Though, nothing happened with him... just a renewal of the fact that I was visible...

I don't know how to tell you to find out if things are right or wrong. Chances are if you are questioning if they are going wrong, you need to listen to that funny little voice. I wish I had a couple of years ago.

But, I do know that if he's going out with his friends all the time, and not inviting you at least some of the time, there is a big issue...

If there are other signs... do what's best for you... I wish I had...

Now, if only I could see myself as a beautiful person... Ex hubby is not a great looker - not ambitious - doesn't take care of self... had to tell him to get hair cuts... I HATED facial hair on him - thought it looked too scruffy - and he always grew goatee - to please himself... but it looked god awful... also didn't help with the aforementioned kissing...

New guy in life - is deadly handsome... younger... no facial hair - beautiful blue eyes and dark hair (a combination I have always loved)... and I can't believe a man that good looking could see something beautiful in me...

That is the emotional damage you need to avoid... my exhusband could never make me feel beautiful - and he did make me feel so invisible.... That, in itself - is so very wrong... the man you love should make you feel like every other man's eyes in the room are on you - and you could care less... In Ohio, I was the Technology Manager in the State Headquarters.... so, I was surrounded by men on a daily basis - then hubby couldn't bother to pick up a phone to call me - no concern about me cheating - no emails... but he could find the time to go to a chat site he had promised to never visit again... and then lie about it.

So much hurt - and this was the really wrong day to get the questions... sorry if I babbled...
drgnflybethany is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st June 2005, 9:26 PM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
Mm mm. These stories hit pretty close to me too. I was with my ex for 5 years, and we had sort of a revolving door policy at his parents' house (which was basically his, as mom and stepdad were always away) and his house after we moved there. When I was distant, he was really good at making me feel loved. When I was around, I tried rekindling things with signs of affection, but often it would only work for a minute. There was a point that I'd realized I wasn't doing anything wrong by showing affection to him, as that was often a cause for fights. "Why do you have to hang on me?" he'd say. Yes, we were together every day, but looking back we had alot of time apart. I'd catch him in one of his moods and he would be distant with me. Or someone would come over, and I'd be treated like a secondclass friend. Or he'd be doing chores or sleeping or working (he held 2 jobs or a job and school most of the time).

We broke up after I'd asked him to spend time with me once a month. A day. (Originally I had asked a day a week as friends were in town, but that didn't happen...) When I'd ask for this day, he warned (!) that I'd have to plan it well ahead of time (the nerve). I did this, we made a date, went out to dinner, and I figured would go back to his place for some R&R. Weeeeeeeell, didn't he ask me if he could go over to the friends' house after dinner? I said yes, because I'm an idiot, and he proceeded to spend the whole day there. Again. Playing video games... and I love video games and his friends too, but understand from the time we'd get up in the morning to the time we'd go home at night it would all be spent at the friends' house.

So mean. I broke it off. He honestly couldn't believe I did!!! I'd given him that chance, and actually, after the once a month fiasco, I told him I was giving him 2 weeks and if things didn't change, we'd be better off alone (to which he responded, "Yeah right you'll be back"). What was I supposed to do after those two weeks produced no change?

Girl, I have seen him for the first time this past week. He has been in town. He has given up on love. He is overweight and bald. Not that the physical is a problem but I am so not into the giving up aspect. Such a strange effort to work towards, you know? I suspect he likes another girl, but I don't really care at this point. He was so mean, and I've since met men who treated me, as drgnflybethany said, like a princess. It opens your eyes.

It'll be hard to step back from him, and maybe even leave him, but you WILL find someone who will treat you right. You sound like an exceptional person. I wouldn't be surprised if Prince Charming was right around the corner.
amandine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd December 2005, 4:22 PM   #8
uppermannw
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
best friends are forever boys are whatever

Quote:
Originally Posted by pixie-stixs
Hi!!

Your post, and drgnflybethany's comments really drew me in. Specifically because I am almost in the exact same situation currently. It is tough when you love someone and you dont know what they are thinking especially when they are emotionally unattatched.

My b/f is so aloof that and unemotional with me that I sometimes cry...(not in front of him) Yet he tells me he loves me, swears up and down it is forever. To me, I see him as a man in a commited relationship who still has a "single man's" mind and heart. He never asks me to go anywhere with him and seems more content to let me "house-sit" while he is out with his friends. It is as drgnflybethany said:

"In other words, my husband went out of his way to make me invisible to the world - to make me want to be invisible to the world. The way he wouldn't touch me, barely talk to me.. definitely not show he cared - was just too much for me to take"

This was exactly how I felt and still feel.

I am coping now, day by day, and this is how:
By doing EXACTLY what your friends are telling you to do. Withdraw from him. Little by little. I believe this is the right thing to do. What else can you do when he wont respond to anything? It is as if you do not exist, correct?? So, start creating your own way. Get involved in other things, pretend you are not interested in him, ( even though you may be seething with interest on the inside) and see where that goes.
THIS HAS WORKED FOR ME:
When i have withdrawn and became particularly quiet and aloof, it seemed he was more affectionate and loving and wanted to know what I was thinking. I stumbled upon this way by accident. I was feeling morose and somber and withdrawn and gloomy and stuck in my own thoughts and felt like being quiet and unapproachable.
And wouldnt you know it, HE actually initiated contact, although hesitant and fleeting it gave me hope.

I would love to hear more of yours and drgnflybethany's story, for by sharing, it gives us hope and sends a message that we are not alone.
I am very young and I know I probably haven't been through half the pain you ladies have been through but I am in a situation similar to those. I have a boyfriend, we've been together for about 3 and a half months. He is great, (most of the time). But sometimes he acts like he doesn't care. For some stupid reason I am totally attatched to him almost obsessed! and I don't want to be, if I ever had to dump him, I don't know if I would be able to. His problem is that he is VERY moody.....one minute he's really nice, and he's the perfect boyfriend, but the next he is careless. He seems to care more about his friend than me.....and sometimes it hurts. But I think i'm starting to get stronger, to the point where i don't care as much!!!
  Reply With Quote
Old 23rd December 2005, 6:44 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 862
I sorta am in a similar situation.

He was sooo attentive at first.

It makes it hard as it is a ldr and we live in different countries. He is moody and withdrawn at times. It is just so weird to me.

I got here a few weeks ago to his country and am only seeing him on the weekends. He seems lazy about coming to see me.

I had serious serious doubts about his feelings towards me. I thought maybe he lost interest or found someone else.

I looked on his computer while he was asleep and yes I know how to really look since I am in IT. I found nothing. There is nobody else. He never had a bad word to say about me. He told someone recently how much he cares for me. It looked like he had been avoiding everyone online not just me.

I am thinking maybe I just need to teach him how I want to be treated. I am his first girlfriend.

When he is here he was doing something I really liked and I told him and now he does it. He seems to really try to please me. The other day I mentioned guy in the car and he immediately says what guy with that bit of jealousy.

That same phone talk he mentions having a family.

So I dont know if my situtaion is the same as yours but it is weird and frustrating at times.

I think this is just the way he is.
justagirliegirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd December 2005, 6:54 PM   #10
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NY
Posts: 25
Don't give up quite yet! My boyfriend and I just went through about 4 months of that, and now it's more amazing than when we first started dating two years ago!!!! He was getting bored with me because all we did was sit around and watch tv. We were both gaining weight and becoming just boring people. We were fighting weekly and broke up four times before finally stopping the cycle. Now, we've agreed to go out on a date EVERY WEEK...the date night is unbreakable except for a death or severe illness. He calls daily. We go out to the fitness center for at least an hour three times a week...it soooooooooo helps. Try anything that you've never done before. If he really cares but is bored, he'll come around. If you have to, tell him that if he really cares, then he'll show it or else you'll have to leave him until he feels he has to have you. You'll know either way.
BlacknessOfSleep is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th January 2006, 2:57 PM   #11
Makeea7
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Wait!!!

Your friends are right... 1st You need to let him no how you feel.. If he act like he doesnt care about how you feel then start to act like you dont care or just pull away from him just to see how he acts... Like Your friends said if he acts like he doesnt care or dont notice what you are doing then there is a problem but if he starts to question you about what your doing or seem like hes trying to change.. Give him another chance...
  Reply With Quote
Old 8th January 2006, 2:24 PM   #12
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 48
How is a boy supposed to treat his girlfriend?
Magister is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
boyfriend treats me very badly ambersbeenhurt Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 14 27th February 2006 4:47 PM
Boyfriend cares about ex's feelings SweetVixen07 Dating 2 19th June 2005 11:10 PM
Ex tells me she still cares about me. What's that supposed to mean? Confused! Help! winmac3d Coping 1 2nd May 2005 8:18 AM
My best friend , or my Boyfriend ?!? VERY Confused.... Brookiedoll87 Dating 1 4th July 2004 11:51 AM
My husband treats his friends better than he treats his family! catxldy Marriage & Life Partnerships 0 1st August 2003 3:21 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:25 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.