Jump to content

in love with a taken man


lonelygirl00

Recommended Posts

hello all , I would appreciate some advice here ...I have a mad crush on a guy at the moment , so big that I feel if I don't make a move , I'm gonna regret for the rest of my life :love:

 

So lets start by saying this guy is taken :(. I've met him in a work environment along with his gf . I'm not friends with either of them but I have to meet them a couple of times per week due to work related issues . At first I really thought his gf was just his friend . There's was absolutely no chemistry between them , no tenderness to suggest that they were lovers , but they seemed like they are just good friends . After a few weeks I found out she was his gf but only because he was talking about his parents-in-law ( no they're not married) . I also found out that their relationship is a circa 2-3 years old .

 

He is a very intelligent guy ,charming , sociable ,well educated , modest , kind , polite , laid back and sensible . Basically everything I look for in a guy . I don't look bad myself , i've been told many times I look cute and a few years younger ,I go to the gym regularly ,I'm fit , I eat healthy ,well dressed , modest , smart , I take good care of my skin , I work on my studies ,in my 20's and I'm a decade younger than him . His gf has a high function at her job , earns a lot of money, in her late 30's and looks good for her age . The biggest difference between me and her is that she is an extrovert , very confident and sociable. And I'm more reserved , and a bit shy .

 

So far it has been really hard to determine if he really likes me 100 % but my sense is telling he does . And I can usually sense people's intentions really well. And why do I sense that ? Its because every time I talk to him , he becomes a bit awkward (and remember he is a laid back sociable guy ) , he gazes deeply into my eyes and I did catch him a few times looking at me from distance. Then there was one time I met him and talked a few moments( first time when there were no people around ) and it was the first time I saw that very genuine bright smile of his . Which I didn't see before . He was smiling all the time while talking to me while also having a flustered look . But I could also be reading too much into it.

 

So far all I did was to act like a fool around him . Since my heart beats so fast for him , I cant help but being awkward as hell . One would say I was playing hard to get , but it was just really my shyness and lack of confidence getting in the way . I think introvert people would understand . I dont think I gave him any hints that I like him except for maybe acting more shy than normal and smilling a few times. But I really want to change this soon , I want to know if anyone thinks I have a chance with him , and what subtle hints should I give him that I like him ?( since he will be around his gf majority of the time ?)

 

What should I do so that he will leave his gf ? I definitely don't want to be his side piece (as that would really make me feel like shet , and as will all affairs , the sparkle is lost at one point and I don't want that ) or make him cheat on his gf with me either as that would not be fair to her . But how to make him leave his gf for me ? If that's possible?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to F&L
Link to post
Share on other sites

That's a tough one and I hope others comment because I don't know what to tell you. I would say go ahead and talk to him about it. It takes two so allow him to comment and have his say about the situation because none of us know, and life is short. Love is what makes us happy so as someone who doesn't get what she wants, for whatever reason, I am going to say tell him how you feel. Mention you know he has a girlfriend but tell him that you feel there is something there and if your not wrong you would like to see where it can lead to but tell him your only telling him because you don't see him in a relationship you can't take him from.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I stopped reading at "let's start by saying this guy is taken." Full stop. That's all I need to know.

 

How do you get him to leave his girlfriend? What makes you think you have the right to interfere in his relationship. Because you don't... Find someone else to date.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
I stopped reading at "let's start by saying this guy is taken." Full stop. That's all I need to know.

 

How do you get him to leave his girlfriend? What makes you think you have the right to interfere in his relationship. Because you don't... Find someone else to date.

 

Yea but love is the only ring a person can wear. If he doesn't love her, the relationship can be over and weather it's her or someone else then he can be taken. The only way a person is going to stay is because he loves er and doesn't want anyone else. We all search for what she is feeling and I am not saying she is right, but maybe the guy would rather be with her and the only way to know is to talk to him. You can't tell a heart anything because the heart wants what it wants and if he rejects er then we can move on. It is actually up to him and his girlfriend to keep the relationship. There is no point in being jealous either the guy is gonna stay or he's gonna leave.

 

When I was much younger, before I met my first love, I had a similar situation. He was a go bus driver and I commuted regularity to work. I finally asked him if he would speak to me at the end of the trip, luckily I was the last stop, and I told him that I liked him. He was flattered, admitted to finding me attractive but said he was married with children and it end up bein harless and I let it go.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh man, listen to yourself. You're trying not to hurt his gf but you also don't mind hurting her at the end of the day if that's what it takes to get him.

 

You're so crazy about this guy, you're not even stopping to think that you're going to hurt someone very badly if you steal him away. If you have the time, go to my profile and read my very first post. I was in the exact same situation as you except that I was much more in love with the guy. It took me 5 years to get over him. I cared about his gf's feelings but I was so in love and obsessed with the guy that I told myself that they are not married so it's ok if i'm able to somehow win his heart.

 

Please open your eyes and don't let your feelings for him cloud your judgement. Find someone else. Believe me, there are so many handsome men out there with better smiles and who are also much more suitable for you.

 

This guy is not for you. Even if he is, the timing is not right. Don't steal him away. Put yourself in his gf's shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her and someone else was plotting to steal him away. Walk away.There are much better men out there, believe me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What makes you think there's no tenderness between them when they are alone together? Maybe they feel it is inappropriate to flaunt their relationship in a work environment. Regardless of how much better you think you are than her it isn't easy to get someone to walk away from a relationship. You might get some sex but most likely; not him.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

How do you know that he doesn't love his girlfriend? People have a way of seeing what they want to see.

 

Hey look, my parents started out this way... They were both dating other people when they met and they dumped the other people the next day to be together. It happens.

 

The thing is... OP is not "in love" with this guy. She is infatuated with a man who is otherwise committed. It is very entitled and extremely disrespectful to make the assumption that his relationship is not good and/or attempt to do anything that would break up that relationship.

 

There are so many other guys to date...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
How do you know that he doesn't love his girlfriend? People have a way of seeing what they want to see.

 

Hey look, my parents started out this way... They were both dating other people when they met and they dumped the other people the next day to be together. It happens.

 

The thing is... OP is not "in love" with this guy. She is infatuated with a man who is otherwise committed. It is very entitled and extremely disrespectful to make the assumption that his relationship is not good and/or attempt to do anything that would break up that relationship.

 

There are so many other guys to date...

 

 

I did not say he does not love her or that his relationship is not good ..please read my text again instead of getting so easily triggered ...all I said is that they seem to be more friends than lovers ...at the end of the day he could or he could not love her ...we can only assume ....I dont know what they do when they're alone ...people can fall out of love and stay with their actual partner for sympathy maybe of other reasons ...all I asked if there was possible for him to choose me instead if I give him more subtle hints and what kind of hints? he is a man of free will not a puppet I'm not trying to manipulate him do anything , if he really loves her he wont leave her or cheat her no matter what I do .

Link to post
Share on other sites

All of their advice is much better and that is why I am on this forum. My advice came from not having this guy and I haven't moved on yet to see there are other men who are just as good.. so I am actually better at not giving advice as oppose to taking it. Everyone else is right.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I did not say he does not love her or that his relationship is not good ..please read my text again instead of getting so easily triggered ...all I said is that they seem to be more friends than lovers ...at the end of the day he could or he could not love her ...we can only assume ....I dont know what they do when they're alone ...people can fall out of love and stay with their actual partner for sympathy maybe of other reasons ...all I asked if there was possible for him to choose me instead if I give him more subtle hints and what kind of hints? he is a man of free will not a puppet I'm not trying to manipulate him do anything , if he really loves her he wont leave her or cheat her no matter what I do .

 

True enough. My point was simply, when you say that they seem to be more friends than lovers you don't really know what their relationship is like, in their private life. Just a word of caution...

 

It's nothing personal for me, but so many on this board assume that his relationship must not be good and that's what they use to justify their actions in pursuing an inappropriate relationship. Good for you, if this is not what you are thinking.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, so you have a crush on a guy who is in a long term relationship.

 

He refers to his GF's parents as his in laws, so its safe to assume that this isn't some causal dating, but more serious.

 

You don't know him well, as you didn't even know he had a GF for a while.

 

You say they act like friends instead of lovers... where have you seen them interact? Sounds like you haven't been to their home. You are his coworker - so I an guessing you have seen him and his GF in a "work environment".

 

It would be HIGHLY unprofessional of them to "act like lovers" in such an environment. Sounds like they are being professional. I can tell you, when my husband stops by my office, we do not "act like lovers" no freaking way.

 

Sooo... you are hoping that somehow, in a work environment, that despite being in a committed relationship, he will start getting feelings for you.

 

and these feelings will be so strong, that he will dump his GF and try dating you, even though he doesn't know you very well (and of course he can't start dating you - which is how you get to know someone - until he dumps his GF).

 

Lets say this fantasy scenario happens. He dumps his girl, tells you he is attracted to you, starts to date you, finds that you two are compatible....

 

And now, in this fantasy relationship, will you feel secure? Knowing that if he meets someone alluring he might dump you and try her out for a ride?

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
True enough. My point was simply, when you say that they seem to be more friends than lovers you don't really know what their relationship is like, in their private life. Just a word of caution...

 

It's nothing personal for me, but so many on this board assume that his relationship must not be good and that's what they use to justify their actions in pursuing an inappropriate relationship. Good for you, if this is not what you are thinking.

 

 

Sorry if haven't made myself clear ,I'm not trying to pursue a relationship with him because of what their relationship looks like , I'm trying because I am really madly in love . I liked him since the first day I saw him . And in that day I did not knew he had a girlfriend . It only came to me as a shock a few weeks later because I was missleaded of how friendly they appeared to be rather than lovey-dovey. I told myself in the beginning that maybe I don't have any chance with him because he is taken and I should stop fantasizing . I tried to get him out of my head . But it was for no use , my heart does not want to listen to my brain , every time I see him my heart skips a beat , and I'm thinking non stop about him . It almost drives me crazy . And I'm thinking to at least try to let him somehow know that I like him ,and if it turns out that I was reading things wrong and he really loves his gf , then I will in the end let him go . But until then ,I'm gonna still be head over heels about him , and the thought of not knowing '' what could have been '' would make me regret for the rest of my life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
, I'm trying because I am really madly in love . I liked him since the first day I saw him.

 

I would argue that you are infatuated with him. How long have you known this man?

 

Love requires depth. It requires really knowing someone, understanding them, knowing their heart.

 

Have you been in a serious relationship before lonelygirl? Have you been in love romantically, and had someone love you back?

 

This is a crush.... you think you love him, the little you know and have seen of him.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
I am really madly in love . I liked him since the first day I saw him. I told myself in the beginning that maybe I don't have any chance with him because he is taken and I should stop fantasizing. I tried to get him out of my head . But it was for no use , my heart does not want to listen to my brain , every time I see him my heart skips a beat, and I'm thinking non stop about him . It almost drives me crazy.

 

That's called, infatuation. It is very different than real love.

 

You are most definitely fantasizing about him. If you want to put yourself out there and flirt with him, you are more than welcome to do that... but, be prepared to be rejected. And then, imagine how it's going to feel when you have to work with him in the future.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

Sooo... you are hoping that somehow, in a work environment, that despite being in a committed relationship, he will start getting feelings for you.

 

and these feelings will be so strong, that he will dump his GF and try dating you, even though he doesn't know you very well (and of course he can't start dating you - which is how you get to know someone - until he dumps his GF).

 

Lets say this fantasy scenario happens. He dumps his girl, tells you he is attracted to you, starts to date you, finds that you two are compatible....

 

And now, in this fantasy relationship, will you feel secure? Knowing that if he meets someone alluring he might dump you and try her out for a ride?

 

the bolded part of your quote sums exactly why this is so complicated for me right now ...If he didnt have a gf , it would be much easier for me , I would go out of my way and flirt with him , but since he is taken i don't want to embarrass myself and to flat out be rejected ...I have a feeling he does like me , but since he doesn't have a certainty that I like him and doesn't know if we're compatible , he wont realistically dump his long term gf just for that ...ive been thinking if it would be ok to indirectly ask him to casually join me at the gym do workout together , or a dinner , a scenario where we could get to know each other more . Without directly implying it would be a date or a romantic meetup , but just a coworker /friend type of joint activity . And then go from there . Would that be too weird / too much ?

 

Like I said previously people can fall out of love and stay with the next partner ,it just really depends how strong the connection is that does not dictate their character or what they would do next in my opinion ,just look at Angelina jolie /brad pitt /Jennifer aniston scenario ...ok I know they split but she left him despite the fact that brad left jenn for her

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am going to agree that this is complicated and she came here for support. I do feel for you because infatuation as they say can feel a lot like love and it is very euphoric. Clearly you have to help yourself so I don't want to give you bad advice, but you really have a simple fix. You want a guy that you speak to and is in your life. Most of us don't have the privilege at this point to have conversations and are left to battle NC which is no contact. Your case seems very easy if you ask me. You are confident enough in yourself to approach this guy so do it. I wouldn't flirt or play games but I would have an open conversation with him just because he has a girlfriend.

Edited by igotoverit
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

What is your prior relationship experience OP?

 

I hate to sound harsh, but you sound very naive.

 

Again, how long have you known him?

 

Sure.... You might be able to invite him to the gym platonically. Dinner? Usually co-workers don't go out to dinner together. Especially taken men.

 

I know if my guy announced that he was going out to dinner with a woman from work, just the two of them I would raise an eyebrow... It's not appropriate.

 

My take? This guy is a decade older than you. His lady sounds like a mature, successful adult, and your crush sounds immature.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
What is your prior relationship experience OP?

 

I hate to sound harsh, but you sound very naive.

 

Again, how long have you known him?

 

Sure.... You might be able to invite him to the gym platonically. Dinner? Usually co-workers don't go out to dinner together. Especially taken men.

 

I know if my guy announced that he was going out to dinner with a woman from work, just the two of them I would raise an eyebrow... It's not appropriate.

 

My take? This guy is a decade older than you. His lady sounds like a mature, successful adult, and your crush sounds immature.

 

 

 

I feel so stupid. This post is kind of helping me too because I realize that I am just as naïve and immature. I am on this forum to get some help to move forward but you all sound so much more intelligent then I do. That is good advice.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Always remember that if he will cheat on her, he will cheat on you. It's a no-win situation because if he gives in to temptation, what you have then is a weak cheater for a bf and you'll NEVER be able to trust him. Don't flatter yourself that you will be more "special" or "meant to be" than her. He loved her and he married her. There's a billion guys in this world. Find one that's not taken.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

don't feel so bad poster because I was doing the same thing with this guy that I am here complaining about. I am learning a lot because I am very immature and he is a decade older then I am. Although he did something's that prolonged my suffering, he is mature and successful and I am very immature. I don't even know how to begin to grow from this but it definitely makes sense.

Link to post
Share on other sites

lol, this is LITERALLY the same thing I went through. The guy I fell for was also a decade older. I said the same things you said: "he has the most amazing smile I've ever seen". Him and his gf seemed like friends too. For months I didn't know they were together ! I believe it was because they had been dating for over 11 years at the time and also because they were trying to keep a professional front.

 

My friend told me not to tell him about my feelings but I just needed to get it out. Even though I didn't want him to because I knew it would hurt more than anything, I needed him to reject me so that I could finally start to move on. Do what you need to do. I just hope for your sake that it doesn't take you 5 YEARS to finally get out of that pit of unrequited love.

 

And I should add that after telling the guy I fell for how I felt, he lead me on for years before I finally broke away. I don't think he meant to but he did. I think you need to learn your lesson so do what you must.

Edited by LoverOfDance
Link to post
Share on other sites
ive been thinking if it would be ok to indirectly ask him to casually join me at the gym do workout together , or a dinner , a scenario where we could get to know each other more . Without directly implying it would be a date or a romantic meetup , but just a coworker /friend type of joint activity . And then go from there . Would that be too weird / too much?

 

Just a curious question, if you were the long term girlfriend, would you think that it was appropriate for your boyfriend to do this with another woman... particularly, if this woman has a crush on your partner?

 

How would you feel if another woman did this to you?

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Just a curious question, if you were the long term girlfriend, would you think that it was appropriate for your boyfriend to do this with another woman... particularly, if this woman has a crush on your partner?

 

How would you feel if another woman did this to you?

 

 

men are allowed to have female friends ...you are talking like he is her possession , her toy ...they are not even married ....he is not an object , but a man of free will , if he really wants to cheat on her ,and if he wont do it with me , he will do it with other women at given opportunity like I said , if he really loves her , he wont cheat or break up no matter what I try ...I think as long as everything is platonically , and we are not kissing , touching , or having sex , its not cheating ...basically all I'm trying is to get him know me better and then to know that I like him with subtle hints ( not direct flirting ) ..and then he can make the decision if he thinks in his heart that I'm better than his girlfriend and break up with her before anything happens ...and if despite my efforts everything will continue to stay platonical then I will be ready to move on ..I would like to mention that I even tried online dating to try to get him out of my head ...there were plenty of men who gave me attention but nobody could compare to him (In both online and real world ) , there wasn't anyone who could get my attention and I ended up disabling my dating account ......for me this guy is like a diamond in a sea of mud , you guys have no idea how hard is nowdays to find a guy of this quality

Link to post
Share on other sites
you guys have no idea how hard is nowdays to find a guy of this quality

 

You do realise that if he can be lured away, then he's not 'quality' don't you?

 

I'm also wondering about your morals and ethics at this point.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

Tell him how you feel. That will either frighten him away or give you the green light. Otherwise it's just a load of game-playing at which either you or the gf will be the loser.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...