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Found out Dad I was interested in is married?!


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 9th February 2018, 7:04 AM   #271
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Personally I think you are feeding his ego.

That makes for hot sex with his wife. Just pointing out what happens when a spouse starts flirting with someone outside the marriage - sex at home gets steamy.

And he gets an ego boost to boot.
Ha! That could be, but I highly doubt it right now. I heard him complaining to one of the coaches that his wife’s parents are visiting, have been there for weeks and will be for at least 10 more days... He seemed pretty stressed about it! I also saw him making irritable faces at his wife at the game last Saturday, they seemed to be arguing when she was handing him something... (I was too far away to overhear but he did not look happy.) He might get all the sex he needs, but I doubt that’s happening these days.

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Old 9th February 2018, 9:07 AM   #272
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Ha! That could be, but I highly doubt it right now. I heard him complaining to one of the coaches that his wifeís parents are visiting, have been there for weeks and will be for at least 10 more days... He seemed pretty stressed about it! I also saw him making irritable faces at his wife at the game last Saturday, they seemed to be arguing when she was handing him something... (I was too far away to overhear but he did not look happy.) He might get all the sex he needs, but I doubt thatís happening these days.
Nobody ever knows what is happening in a marriage except for the two people who are in the marriage. Don't presume to know what is happening in their marriage. Especially because you have ulterior motives, it will surely color your perception.
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Old 10th February 2018, 5:47 AM   #273
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Nobody ever knows what is happening in a marriage except for the two people who are in the marriage. Don't presume to know what is happening in their marriage. Especially because you have ulterior motives, it will surely color your perception.
LOL, not if one of the spouses is indicating to someone outside the marriage exactly what is happening within it . . .

B-dad is indicating exactly what is happening (or not) within his marriage. You think he actually has to say the words?
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Old 10th February 2018, 9:12 AM   #274
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LOL, not if one of the spouses is indicating to someone outside the marriage exactly what is happening within it . . .

B-dad is indicating exactly what is happening (or not) within his marriage. You think he actually has to say the words?
World, as usual, you articulate exactly what Iím thinking! 😊

Thanks for understanding what Iím going through, Iíve read some of your comments in other threads and you seem to be going through something similar! So you understand.

Iím counting the minutes to see him this morning 😍 He emailed the group yesterday afternoon and I havenít replied. Iím going to try to keep our flirtation in person alone! It might give him some measure of trust - I mean, for all he knows I could be some crazy woman who would forward flirty emails to his wife!! He doesnít know how discreet I am. Yet.

Iíll be back if there is anything to report today 😃
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Old 10th February 2018, 11:07 AM   #275
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World, as usual, you articulate exactly what Iím thinking! 😊

Thanks for understanding what Iím going through, Iíve read some of your comments in other threads and you seem to be going through something similar! So you understand.

Iím counting the minutes to see him this morning 😍 He emailed the group yesterday afternoon and I havenít replied. Iím going to try to keep our flirtation in person alone! It might give him some measure of trust - I mean, for all he knows I could be some crazy woman who would forward flirty emails to his wife!! He doesnít know how discreet I am. Yet.

Iíll be back if there is anything to report today 😃
Yeah, I'm in a very similar situation which is why I'm not guilt-tripping/judging you here. I obviously can't talk to anyone about it IRL so it's nice to know I'm not the only one involved in this kind of thing.

"I'm on Fire" from Bruce Springsteen and "Halo" from Depeche Mode are on my playlist right now, continuing your music theme. Those songs are very applicable to what we're both experiencing.
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Old 10th February 2018, 1:32 PM   #276
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I wrote to you about the bruce Springsteen song but my post got deleted! I got it as soon as you mentioned it. Great song! I have posted Dave Matthewsí ďCrash into meĒ - who knows... He might wake up to what Iím doing, it doesnít hurt to try... 😊

Iím at the game right now. B-dad appears to be sick and really out of it 😩 I got here late because my son had another game so no flirting so far! Iím not expecting it now... He still looks hot regardless of being sick 😃

And you can talk about your situation anytime! 😃 I wouldnít consider it thread-jacking 😊 Maybe we can help each other through this! The longing isnít easy...
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Old 10th February 2018, 3:32 PM   #277
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So, things picked up a little after the last post 😃

But let me start from the beginning!

My ex and I get there almost at game time, which means most of the bleachers are taken and the only seats available are right behind his wife! My ex actually sat behind her too, but right next to his wifeís dad... I immediately felt deflated because I knew b-dad wouldnít be able to flirt with me with his wife right in front of me!!

As I mentioned, he looked pretty sick. Not his usual smiling self. Even during the game when the kids scored, very little reaction from him. I wanted to nurse him back to health 😊 But thatís a different post!! First thing I noticed is that his wife is full of grey hairs on her head!! Really? The woman has a husband that hot and doesnít even color her hair? But thatís a minor observation.

At half time, I made sure she heard me ask my ex ďDo you think he has enough water? Heís been drinking a lot.Ē My ex said ďWhy donít you go get his bottle and refill it for him?Ē I knew he would say this 😃 So the team was all the way across on the other side of the court, so I walk along the side of the court and get my sonís bottle. B-dad looks at me and I donít even look his way - I know his wife is watching! I fill my sonís bottle and return it, all the while not looking at b-dad at all! But I wanted to.

On my way back, I notice his wife staring at me from her seat. I donít even look her way, because I knew she was watching me. I sit behind her and let it be.

At the end of the game, I was hoping sheíd go talk to somebody so b-dad could come over... She stayed put. So the three of us left. I thought weíd just go to the restaurant and gone was my chance of at least having a few glances and smiles and a few words, since thatís all I can have at games.

So at the restaurant I rush to grab the table closest to the entrance- Iím standing up putting something in my sonís backpack, my son is sitting down as my ex is buying our food. B-dad walks by... Thereís another kid from the team standing there, b-dad ignores him!

Then says to my son ďWhat did you get me??Ē. I look up and his wife is nowhere around him. My son is silent so I smile and say to b-dad ďMaybe a sub?Ē 😊 He keeps walking but says something with that big smile of his that I canít hear because there are idiot teenagers behind me!! I am looking straight at him (totally stopped what I was doing!), and I chuckle at what he says, even though I didnít hear it... I knew it was flirty from his eyes and his smile.

So as I chuckle happily, I look around.... and there is his wife, staring straight at me. He had been walking way ahead of her! By then she had caught up and the look on her face wasnít friendly or menacing - it was curious, as if she knew she had missed out on hearing something she should have heard. And Iím sure she did.

It didnít bother me in the least. I knew that he had planned it that way, walking ahead then talking to my son instead of others, because then he and I could at least communicate. There were so many around, it was a wonder I could hear him at all! But he sought us out. Heís still looking for contact but itís so darn difficult on game days!!

Iíll just have to do better at practice.... If Camera Watchís son is still sick on practice day, maybe she wonít be there and we can be more open. I wish I had more to tell you, guys.... I knew today would be tough because my son had two games with ten minutes in between... Then the wife put a wrench in any developments.

Oh, well! Thereís always Tuesday 😃
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Old 10th February 2018, 3:37 PM   #278
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Yeah, I'm in a very similar situation which is why I'm not guilt-tripping/judging you here. I obviously can't talk to anyone about it IRL so it's nice to know I'm not the only one involved in this kind of thing.

"I'm on Fire" from Bruce Springsteen and "Halo" from Depeche Mode are on my playlist right now, continuing your music theme. Those songs are very applicable to what we're both experiencing.
Halo is a beautiful song! Depeche Mode has so many great songs. Crowded Houseís ďInto TemptationĒ is one of my favorites right now. Weíre definitely not the only ones going through this, with the amount of songs written about illicit love 😊
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Old 11th February 2018, 1:24 AM   #279
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Halo is a beautiful song! Depeche Mode has so many great songs. Crowded Houseís ďInto TemptationĒ is one of my favorites right now. Weíre definitely not the only ones going through this, with the amount of songs written about illicit love 😊
"When our worlds they fall apart, when the walls come tumbling in, though we may deserve it, it will be worth it . . ."

JJ, let's say you and BD have an opportunity to be "alone" together in a public place, just to talk for a few hours. What kind of effort would you make on your appearance in terms of makeup, jewelry, clothes, etc.? Like any other day or would you dress up for it? Just trying to get a better feel for my own situation based on how my other person appeared last time I saw her.

Thanks!
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Old 11th February 2018, 7:18 AM   #280
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B-dad is indicating exactly what is happening (or not) within his marriage.
#wellactually... no - he isn't.

OBVIOUSLY... the world is not black & white - and human relationships are never that simple that you can make a conclusion about someone's ENTIRE marriage based on their one sentence, one look or one flirty situation. that's why you have TONS of shocked OWs whose MMs suddenly realize their marriages mean something to them - when the As is discovered - & then they drop them like a hot potato and move along... those OWs, very much like you, also thought that their MMs "indicated" something and that they don't "need to say the words" and that "everything is clear from the look" - give us humans a little more credit than that, will you?

you see what you want to see - that's... basic psychological principle.
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Old 11th February 2018, 7:49 AM   #281
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"When our worlds they fall apart, when the walls come tumbling in, though we may deserve it, it will be worth it . . ."

JJ, let's say you and BD have an opportunity to be "alone" together in a public place, just to talk for a few hours. What kind of effort would you make on your appearance in terms of makeup, jewelry, clothes, etc.? Like any other day or would you dress up for it? Just trying to get a better feel for my own situation based on how my other person appeared last time I saw her.

Thanks!
Oh, good question!

If a woman is dressing up for you, itís a good sign.

When I take my son to town league, I still look nice because thatís just who I am, but I will wear yoga pants and a simple top, sometimes sneakers...

Time to see b-dad?? I start getting ready 2 hours ahead. Full shaving not because he will see it, but because I want to feel as sexy as possible. Special shampoo and conditioner to give me super thick hair. Exfoliate my face.

Then I blow dry and put my hair in hot rollers for super model hair, then full makeup... Including contouring, eyelashes (full or discreet depending on my mood).

My outfit is planned days in advance, and the word here is one: sexy. This doesnít mean full cleavage or bare legs, but something that suggests rather than shows! Always high heels - in my case, high-heeled boots every time. My goal is not only to attract, but to feel empowered enough to act on my attraction. This is the real reason we women dress up for the men we are into!

This is what I do twice a week when I see him... I donít know what Iíd do if we were to see each other one on one! 😊 But he doesnít know Iím dressing up for him, heís never seen me any other way.

If you notice a difference in your crush when she meets you, itís because she is trying to attract you. Pay attention to communication patterns too, but it may be counterintuitive. I wonít speak for your crush, but I would be very careful not to respond too quickly or even to every communication attempt a man makes. Why? Because I donít want to run the risk of being seen as desperate and lose his interest.

I know this falls into the playing games category weíve discussed, but unfortunately thatís how we women have been programmed to interact with a man we like! The more you like a man, the less you show it within reason. The reasoning behind this is that then we will be a prize to ďcatchĒ and be more valued, since women are so plentiful, especially for a good-looking man!

Is she taking special care with her appearance? Is her communication pattern spotty? Does she remember things youíve discussed in the past and tries to bring them up? All good clues.
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Old 12th February 2018, 12:16 AM   #282
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Dramatic

JJacobs,

Your thread is beautifully written and analyzed. I got drawn into the drama and spent most of the evening reading it! Clearly you are enjoying the excitement of the situation. But there are emotions and potential on one side, versus facts on the other. What I am most surprised by is that all of your communication occurs in the context of the basketball games. I mean, he is required to be there, and he is required to write to the kids' parents. If he says "Hi" to you more often than other parents, e-mails you individually a bit more than other parents, and looks at you more often because of your attractiveness, all of that may still not add up to much. Maybe he just enjoys passing the time during games with the prettiest woman in the stands, and that would be someone else every season.
I was surprised when you said it would be easy for you to make him fall in love. I don't think men are as simple as you think, and your scenario of having complete control over his heart if you were to make a move is more of an exciting dream on your part than a sure thing. Reality is never that easy.
It seems as though you think the mutual attraction between you will pull you automatically together after the season ends. But if you already have his number, I think it is on you to text him a little something (maybe just a question about your son's performance) to establish a communication channel outside of basketball before it is too late. If you are not ready to do that, maybe you need to reflect on what you are really hoping for.

Good luck!
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Old 12th February 2018, 2:35 AM   #283
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Is she taking special care with her appearance? Is her communication pattern spotty? Does she remember things youíve discussed in the past and tries to bring them up? All good clues.
JJ, thanks so much for your "behind the curtain" explanation. Women always have been, and always will be, a mystery to me and things like your post really help out a lot.

As for your three questions^^^? Yes , yes and yes

The spotty communication pattern thing is annoying, confusing, and a little bit of a bruise to the ego. In a way, ignoring us like that makes us like you ladies just a little bit less (temporarily). I wish you guys wouldn't do that. LOL

As JDJ suggested in the previous post, it's probably a good idea now to "establish a communication channel outside of basketball". My MW and I have absolutely no "official" business interacting with each other, so we needed to establish a line of communication beyond what our previous roles were (we don't work together anymore).

JJ, random question: have you ever seen the movie "Take This Waltz"?
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Old 12th February 2018, 4:42 AM   #284
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It seems as though you think the mutual attraction between you will pull you automatically together after the season ends. But if you already have his number, I think it is on you to text him a little something (maybe just a question about your son's performance) to establish a communication channel outside of basketball before it is too late. If you are not ready to do that, maybe you need to reflect on what you are really hoping for.

Good luck!
All valid points, thank you! I somewhat agree with you.

Meeting b-dad has been both a blessing and a curse - last Fall I kept complaining to my friends, and mumbling to myself, ďWhy canít I just find a man Iím attracted to?!Ē It is as if the universe heard me and put the perfect man right under my nose! Of course, he had to be married - and either as shy as I am, or simply not interested.

I am learning a lot about myself, though. I am extremely shy. You would never guess it from looking at my professional life. And itís not related to lack of confidence, either - it is an intense devotion to self-preservation! Added to my very old-fashioned views about male-female relationships, it is not exactly a situation conducive to multiple, and easy, love affairs.

Which brings me to your next point, about falling in love. I should not have made this gender-specific. It is easy to make men or women fall in love - the process is the same. First you tempt them, you send them mixed signals, you hint at who you are - while finding out who they would prefer you to be, then you project those things. (I donít believe right and wrong exist in seduction.) Then you enter their spirit by focusing intense attention on them - you take on their tastes, their moods, their feelings, effect a regression to a time of intense pleasure in their lives. Then you throw in a little pain - perhaps youíre no longer interested, there might be someone else, or you need to step back. You can keep this pleasure and pain dynamic going almost indefinitely! The lows will be low, but the highs will be monumental! The most important thing about making someone fall in love is that your efforts are ALL about *them* - you need to erase a lot of yourself during the process in order to project what they want.

But what does one need in order to do all of these things?? Access.

Exactly what Iím not giving myself with b-dad. I was going to text him last week and lost my nerve. Iíve been extremely subtle with him and texting him, even about games or my son, would definitely ďoutĒ me. Then I started thinking about how my son might be impacted if b-dad rejects me and Iím too embarrassed to take my son there next season - it is b-dadís first time coaching, but whoís to say he wonít do it again next season! I donít want my son to miss out on anything because of my potential embarrassment.

Hereís what I think: if heís not interested enough to start non-basketball related conversations with me via email, why would that change via text? I canít make him interested. Can I? I mean, other than looking perfect and smiling and staring... Iíve thought long and hard about whether I want to be that kind of woman. The one who chases. Iíve never, ever been her.

So I will give myself just a little bit more time to read him, and more chances to show him how I feel. I canít go out on a limb here. Heís an attractive guy Iíd like to sleep with - maybe thatís where it needs to end.

And yes, the clock is ticking... I hear it all the time.
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Old 12th February 2018, 4:50 AM   #285
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JJ, thanks so much for your "behind the curtain" explanation. Women always have been, and always will be, a mystery to me and things like your post really help out a lot.

As for your three questions^^^? Yes , yes and yes

The spotty communication pattern thing is annoying, confusing, and a little bit of a bruise to the ego. In a way, ignoring us like that makes us like you ladies just a little bit less (temporarily). I wish you guys wouldn't do that. LOL

As JDJ suggested in the previous post, it's probably a good idea now to "establish a communication channel outside of basketball". My MW and I have absolutely no "official" business interacting with each other, so we needed to establish a line of communication beyond what our previous roles were (we don't work together anymore).

JJ, random question: have you ever seen the movie "Take This Waltz"?

So you guys have been on a date? But youíre no longer in touch though work, so I assume that opportunities to see each other are few.

I assume sheís married - do not underestimate the power of someone wanting to stay faithful. She may be riddled with feelings for you, but holding back because of her marriage. She definitely sees you as someone to have an affair with, since from everything youíve said sheís obviously attracted and into you! But will she act on it? Donít jump to the conclusion that sheís playing games. She may be genuinely torn.

I went through that when I was married, with the man I ended up being with after I got divorced. I spent years in a very intense one-sided emotional affair with him. I was terrified of showing him how I felt. I knew he would escalate it, being the kind of man who had loads of women, and I knew I couldnít handle adultery. My sex life in my marriage was in shambles, but I still did not allow myself to sleep with him.

After my divorce, he pursued me, and this is the only reason why anything happened! He did fall in love with me, but I found him to be extremely narcissistic and it was more than I wanted to handle. So that brought me to b-dad...

Your married woman might be the kind of woman who does not take sex and vows lightly - I know I was. Even if she is in love with you, her marriage may be too much of a barrier. Itís up to you to decide if you want to help her get over it, and be with you, and eventually leave her marriage.

As for the movie, Iíve never seen it! Just looked it up and it looks entertaining because of the subject - I have about 3 hours free this afternoon so I might watch it 😃 I usually only watch classic movies so the newer ones tend to get overlooked!
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