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I made the wrong choice.


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 9th January 2018, 3:41 AM   #1
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I made the wrong choice.

I chose the wrong man out of loyalty and integrity, because my first choice came back and was ready to be with me for the first time since we found that incredible connection in 2011.

I was blindsided by my morals and beliefs and I hurt the one who stood by me through thick and thin. I ghosted my lifelong love when he needed me most and I chose to go back to an abusive situation the only night I saw him in person and it was because I am not a cheat, but maybe I should have just left and followed my heart.

I crushed the one I've always longed to have in my life to hiding away into isolation out of fear of being hurt and abandoned again.

I never abandoned him and have been trying my hardest to reach him and his friends can't even reach him.

I am dying inside without him and I chose to be put through hell in an awful marriage to keep true to my vows of loyalty.

I'd do anything to get the love of my life back and I wish I could go back in time and choose what my heart wants, because I made a decision that made me lose myself and my inner glow and that's all the proof I need to know I messed up and made the biggest mistake of my life.

Thank you for reading. This is the first time I ever put time into a thread and I appreciate everyone who decides to spend time reading it and will appreciate and respond to all reply's.

This forum has been my crutch in this awful situation by reading what everyone says and I have gained a lot of knowledge here.

Last edited by Trip2TheSky; 9th January 2018 at 3:44 AM..
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Old 9th January 2018, 7:14 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trip2TheSky View Post
I am dying inside without him and I chose to be put through hell in an awful marriage to keep true to my vows of loyalty.
So you chose your marriage over this guy? Thatís a good thing but that would also explain why heís gone NC with you. If youíre unhappy in your marriage and you donít want to work on it, then get a divorce. That would also show the other guy that youíre available and he may contact you.
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Old 9th January 2018, 8:07 AM   #3
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It's never too late to be happy.
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Old 9th January 2018, 8:54 AM   #4
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what would happen if everyone didnt stand by their morals or beliefs.......if loyalty and integrity became illegal.....no one person would ever marry ...for whatever reason you are married you stood by your marriage which is what you were and are supposed to do....find the love for the guy you are married too you can find that happiness in your marriage again it might take some work......


having morals integrity loyalty honesty beliefs....all good traits to have make you a better person with them than without ...


keep being that better person and find love where you are and whom you are with tied and united too.... ...not what could have been ......you had a great connection that didnt work out...for a reason .......let it go ....and find happiness and your love now ......with the guy who is with you.....i wish you well.....stay strong..be true to your morals and beliefs..your integrity and your standards.....its the core of who you are and what you stand for.....dont ignore who you really are for a flight of fancy..keep it simple and uncomplicated.....two words for happiness.....stay true.........deb
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Old 9th January 2018, 10:05 AM   #5
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You guys, it's not that I was already married. I got married not knowing how the love of my life was hurting inside and I would have made the choice to be with him, if I was presented with that choice.

When I messaged him to ask if he thought I was making a mistake, he didn't respond and disappeared for a few weeks. I wasn't able to figure out why, because our history is like this at times ..

I just can't even believe I failed to see how he felt and am just on one path now and that path is to find him and be with who deserves me and it doesn't even have to be more than friends. We've always been best friends in life.

My Husband has deteriorated my worth, self esteem, drive, ego and overall will to live and it has nothing to do with the man I wound up hurting.

I appreciate everything you all have to say and apologize for not having it in me to have a better reply. I'm just lost and the only thing keeping me from disappearing myself is that I have to find him and make it right ...
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Old 9th January 2018, 6:46 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Trip2TheSky View Post
You guys, it's not that I was already married. I got married not knowing how the love of my life was hurting inside and I would have made the choice to be with him, if I was presented with that choice.

When I messaged him to ask if he thought I was making a mistake, he didn't respond and disappeared for a few weeks. I wasn't able to figure out why, because our history is like this at times ..

I just can't even believe I failed to see how he felt and am just on one path now and that path is to find him and be with who deserves me and it doesn't even have to be more than friends. We've always been best friends in life.

My Husband has deteriorated my worth, self esteem, drive, ego and overall will to live and it has nothing to do with the man I wound up hurting.

I appreciate everything you all have to say and apologize for not having it in me to have a better reply. I'm just lost and the only thing keeping me from disappearing myself is that I have to find him and make it right ...
how long have you been married and why did you marry the guy you are with?

when someone disappears and as you state its always been this way with this lost love of yours who is your best friend.....he disappeared when yu asked were you making a mistake..... meaning that you weren't married yet by the word "making" a mistake...... he didnt answer you......he let you go.....to marry another....


i dont know why you married this man you are with ...but you did..... i have a feeling its a recent marriage...personally i would give marriage a shot my very best because i wouldnt marry unless it was for love of the person i was marrying ..i would have to love him and want to be with him for the eternities...my beliefs are such....morally i couldnt marry someone i didnt love..

did you marry for love....does your husband know how you feel for this other man...my suggestion still stands ....you should let this other guy go he had the chance to tell you when you asked him about making a mistake...he still said nothing.......you are married now .......you should try counselling with your husband before you throw in the towel.... do you go to church...maybe your leader could counsel you both...deb

Last edited by todreaminblue; 9th January 2018 at 6:49 PM..
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Old 13th January 2018, 8:32 PM   #7
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Hello there Trip to the sky.

what's the good of having loyalty for something that is clearly making you so unhappy in your life now (and has for such a long time it sounds like)? I appreciate that there may be other things you are not saying about your reasons for loyalty or what was going on in your head with the person you do like, but it all amounts to nothing unless you are prepared to act or at least take small steps to change things. if you are serious in your intent then you will have to make new sacrifices (i.e., looking for separation and have some space away from this situation for now, if straight divorce is not an option or is not feasible).

I'm sure it's not so easy for you to do what i suspect you already know does need to be done under the circumstances, but you have to evaluate the fact that your time and yourself worth are being eroded with all of this hand-wringing and outward helplessness; and its going round in unhealthy circles which is only making your happiness sink even further.

maybe you fear others will see you as weak for leaving? the truth is that you are emotionally very weak already and have displayed that to the person you actually loved! what's more concerning is that you are opening yourself to further vulnerabilities in the state you are in and I suspect your husband is no fool and knows exactly what the score is regarding your happiness (at least), so be careful that his treatment of you doesn't boil over to anything physical, because if it has or is close to being that way, then you need to get expert help and seek alternative help quietly and quickly if you
need support; I'm not suggesting anything untoward is or has gone on, I am just saying be careful, you want to leave someone who is making you very unhappy, that may cause him to go for you or lash out in anger in whatever way he thinks he can hurt you more in revenge!!!

so take this unhappiness and self erosion as a red flag to get out, because things can and do change, so if you can help yourself and be smart about it then do so before your regrets get far worse.

maybe it's time you stopped thinking so much of what others think and hope for your happiness, your actions and denial have already hurt someone, so you need to change that.

for your post I'm not really that concerned too much about the whys (unless you feel you'd like to say more about this) situation, and I think if you are to start this process then you need to look into (if you haven't already) what being single means in terms of finance, your home, security, stability and or children etc.

then of course if you are going to have to consider whether this is likely just to be a separation then you may not have the instant jolts of divorce proceedings and everything that often goes with that.

leaving your husband and getting out of this is your first priority (for now).

once you have been on your own for a while then you can start to think about the next steps of a relationship, whether with this other man. there is no guarantee that you will end up with him; but as I say, the real thing for me is your unhappiness and if you are serious in what youve posted; then that is the thing you should be focusing at the moment not looking for this other person (and not before you have established yourself properly and both you and your husband are sure of the situation regarding separation, fully or in divorce), as you are likely to cause far more problems for yourself that will only make things even more heated or unhappy between you.

I wish you the best of luck with this, but I will say one thing about this other man and that is, if you are to be with him or are/do go looking for him in the future or are looking for him right now, then you need to do this on your own!!!!! I can't stress that clearly enough to you;
this is not a case for social media or a friend of a friend said or has seen or knows etc!!!!! if you start to involve other people it has a very real chance of backfiring and the true feelings of your heart or message getting lost, twisted or sabotaged; not to mention could cause endless family problems.

you need to tackle this in a proper manner, you have no given right to even go looking for this man, but that isnt me saying i dont think you can or would be happy with him if he met you and wanted the same things you do, but i am saying he is a person in his own right, and as you have failed to respect his wishes (if what i read is correct), then you have to start respecting him now!!! i dont mean that to sound harsh, im just thinking aloud to you.

this is something that YOU are feeling, so don't involve others, the other piece of advice I have is that if you are going to leave someone then again you need to think very carefully about the sort of person your husband is, and remember that jealousy can make even the nicest people sometimes do all kinds of spiteful, cruel things!!! so you need to use your head and common sense where family, your husband and relatives are concerned.

it doesn't sound as though this is going to be an easy thing for you to do, but if you can take the steps you say you want to take to be happy, then I think it will be well worth the effort and chance you are willing to take to find happiness.

if you go then you have to go because you are unhappy in not wanting to be with your husband. that must be the first reason, loving someone else is part of it, but is not going to help you if you don't get your man!!!!

also, if you go and the new man is no longer able or no longer wants t o be with you, then there is nothing to say you can't leave and in time be with someone new and just a s exciting. but I know you want the old one! just be realistic and communicate honestly if you find him.

but I think you also need to take another review of the way you also treat people in the future!!!!! and I say this a lot, but you need to offer proper apologies and explanations to the one you mistreated yourself and just talk properly with him, no more ghosting!!!! its childish....

also poor communication, self assurance in belief systems, denial and not listening (to your emotions or other people's feelings as well as your own heart) or bothering to communicate anything at times im sure - that has got you in this mess in the first place.

it isn't the end of the world for you, if you can find the courage that you have kept inside and share it with the key people (ONLY) that need to know and will be affected directly by this, your husband, a solicitor (if you go down that route), a counsellor or professional advisor if you need support and children if you have them once you are all clear of what is going to happen and then talk to the one you want to be with, just respect him if you (and you alone) can find him!!!

i would steer clear of friends for now, this is your marriage and you need to keep things in a state where you can be clear not swayed by people who i also suspect have had thier part in you not being with the person you really love because they mean well but may have interfered!!!! but interfering communications have also made you unhappy.

the rest is up to you: no one else can really change this except you, so if you want my honest opinion - put the new year to good use and find your way to getting back to the old you, just remember the primary reason for this must be you and how you feel right now, otherwise if you waiver on this you will do what you did before by giving in to someone you are with but do not love anymore and that could go on for years to come if you are too frightened, stupid or dutiful to make the changes YOU know you NEED TO HAPPEN!

this isn't about being undutiful and disloyal anymore, it's about whether you want to stay forever under the shadow of someone who is crushing your true self and your inner spirits because you do not feel or have love anymore.

so take off these romantic glasses (as you might meet another who is just as good as Mr. right if you can't be with him after all that), forget any incoming excuses that might talk you out of what you say you really want and look to ways that you can get to happiness. and be prepared to say sorry and explain yourself for your stupid and rather selfish behaviours to the one you do actually love, it's the least you can do!!!! and go forward. just don't be tempted to give in, otherwise you have lost all round and are only prolonging a cycle of unhappiness.

sometimes you just have to do things, but always you have to follow your heart, it doesn't mean you always get what you want, but it means you tried and are more likely find peace where it really counts.

love isn't just about being married, being the dutiful partner or even just being with someone, its bigger than that and you have to do what you can to ensure it is there.

it sounds as though love has forced you to re-think your naive ideals, and you might have another chance...MIGHT.....with someone that could make you happy if the circumstances match, but you need to be responsible and grow up a little more and not take things or people for granted anymore if you are to sort this.

but it's not all lost.

you cannot go back in time, but there is no reason you can't go forward with the new knowledge that you have gained and improve things so this kind of thing doesn't happen again.

you might get your man, you might not. but it's got to be better to try and do something that will help you find the happiness that you deserve.

so don't waste any more time if you know for sure you want this, then go for it!!!!

ok, I'm done, good wishes and take the courage to sort things out properly.

happiness is a precious thing, so don't waste your chances, some people may never have a tenth of the good things you actually do have in your life !!!!

hope that helps pps....there is only so long you can read about what to do online...sometimes you just gotta do it...and I say that knowing that you are actually STRONGER I think than you have given yourself credit for.

best wishes


see ya maxi.
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Old Yesterday, 4:26 AM   #8
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Hi Trip, so where are you with your situation now? I'm sorry but your OP came across as a bit nebulous about your reasons for your marriage, and why you did not choose to marry the man whom you claim to love. If you were to clearly state what happened then maybe more folks would chip in and advise you on your situation. How old are you and how long have you been married? From the way you write you appear to be a dreamer and a romantic type as opposed to being a pragmatic realist who is grounded and knows exactly what she wants and goes for it. At any rate let us know the latest about what's happening in your life. Warm wishes.
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