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I don't understand anymore what is love and friendship


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 28th December 2017, 9:43 AM   #1
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I don't understand anymore what is love and friendship

Hello Everybody,

I need some help, some advice, clarification call it what you will. I will try to sum this up as best as I could. I liked a girl that I was friends with for about 6 months now. She got out of a relationship in August. We were pretty much best friends from June until now I guess. Our feelings for each other started to progress and we both agreed we like each other.

We eventually dated for about 2 weeks and the whole time in the dating phase we were obsessed with each other but she would always revert back to things about her ex. I thought nothing of it but then she said we need to just stay friends because she was not ready for a relationship and apparently she is not affectionate at all so I overwhelmed her with affection which I know is not true. I was very upset because I started to fall for her but I realized its okay its not that bad its a short relationship.

We talked briefly after that as friends and whenever I stopped talking to her she would always message me saying " why are you ignoring me, why are you not talking to me". These were all flags to me that she wanted my attention and still had feelings for me. I did not jump for it though. I was still a little upset with everything of course. I found out last Friday she is still in love with her ex. I found out because i caught on to her hiding stuff from me and confronted her about it. She has bad anxiety and depression and I guess did not want to make things worse.

She saw him last Friday and I said to myself screw this **** I do not think I can be friends with her just yet now. I want a relationship with her so I am just going to give myself space for a little and let her know that. She was devastated by the news. She texted me midway on Sunday saying, I appreciate you so much and our friendship and I need you in my life, you do not have to respond. I did not respond, and I thought by Wednesday I would be okay with my head screwed back on.

I called her Wednesday and she was super happy to rebuild our friendship. In the entire conversation she did not deny she loves her ex and I know she does because she has told me she talks to him and obviously went on that date. I know he has a jealousy and manipulation problems and does not want me to be around her even though we were best friend. Everyone warned me her ex is a manipulator and can weave his way into this girl and he did that by begging and pleading to her to get her back because he knew we were seeing each other. .She basically said if he can't accept that we are friends she can't be with him. I am so confused and have no idea what to do. She does not even text me now or hold a conversation.

If I cut her out completely then our social circle gets ****ed and i possibly lose a girl in my life that I love as a friend but would also love to be in a relationship with. What the hell do i do? Her friend likes me and I am tempted to ask her for her friends number to see how she reacts? Personally none of her friends like her ex at all and know he is absolute trash. I was the dream guy apparently for her according to all her friends.

I am literally stuck and we are going to Montreal in two days for new years with a bunch of people. Basically what do I do to possibly pursue a relationship with her and if I can't how do I become her best friend again so we actually hangout and shoot the **** like we used to. She split up with him originally because he was the definition of ******* and controlling. She said she can't handle that so I do not understand this logic anymore. Everyone knows he has not changed and they will split up because he talks **** about everyone and treats everyone around him like trash.
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:32 AM   #2
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She used you. Sorry. She was hurting from her break up & she sought comfort from you, not because she had romantic feelings for you but because you were there & willing. She knew it would be easy to get you to give her attention when she was feeling low. She may not have done it consciously, in a mean way. Thus when she realized you had genuine feelings on your side she called it off.

Her request that you remain friends is probably real but it's selfish. She is not realizing that you want more & it's so unfair for you to sit there wanting what you can't have. You need space.

It's hard because you run in the same circles. I would avoid her for a while. Tell her point blank: I want more. You don't. That's OK but you have to leave me alone while I lick my wounds. You trying to be just my friend right now hurts. If you care about me at all, stop making things worse.

The grab a splinter group from your main group -- people who know that she pulled the rug out from underneath you -- and for NYE alone go do something with them but not her. Going forward be polite but cool / aloof when you see her out; don't split up the group for ever but do whittle it down for NYE

I suspect if you do see her on NYE you can probably work out some type of FWB arrangement for the night but that may make you feel worse. Can you divorce your body from your emotions?
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:45 AM   #3
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She used you. Sorry. She was hurting from her break up & she sought comfort from you, not because she had romantic feelings for you but because you were there & willing. She knew it would be easy to get you to give her attention when she was feeling low. She may not have done it consciously, in a mean way. Thus when she realized you had genuine feelings on your side she called it off.

Her request that you remain friends is probably real but it's selfish. She is not realizing that you want more & it's so unfair for you to sit there wanting what you can't have. You need space.

It's hard because you run in the same circles. I would avoid her for a while. Tell her point blank: I want more. You don't. That's OK but you have to leave me alone while I lick my wounds. You trying to be just my friend right now hurts. If you care about me at all, stop making things worse.

The grab a splinter group from your main group -- people who know that she pulled the rug out from underneath you -- and for NYE alone go do something with them but not her. Going forward be polite but cool / aloof when you see her out; don't split up the group for ever but do whittle it down for NYE

I suspect if you do see her on NYE you can probably work out some type of FWB arrangement for the night but that may make you feel worse. Can you divorce your body from your emotions?
I will ask for more space after New years. I also have a feeling she will split up with her ex later down the line because he has not changed and is still the dick he was. He is just putting up a smoke screen right now to make himself look good. I read some stuff online and I am not sure what to think. Everywhere it is saying be her friend because her ex hates you right now and being that friend in her life specially knowing that we had sex and stuff will make him go crazy and cause conflict.

Slowly build attraction through text messages and setup up a hangout as "friends" that will make him go ballistic. See the thing is I know she had feelings for me because between September and now every party we went to we would always gravitate towards each other and flirt a lot. I am not sure what to believe anymore. So the suggestion is take some space, screw my head back on, and see where I stand form there? We were literally best friends and talked to each other everyday. I personally do not want her out of my life. But maybe I need to create some space for myself? I can definitely do a FWB thing for NYE but I would not know how to actually do that without making her feel uncomfortable? any suggestions?
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:53 AM   #4
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Is she back with the BF? If he will be there on NYE, you need to be anywhere else. Seeing them together will rip your heart out.

Doing things to make him jealous will not win you any points. If she has any sense & wants to preserve her relationship with him, at his insistence, she will drop you like a hot potato.

Even if he is out of the picture again, you not going to be promoted to BF. He's the hot sexy stud she wants. You are the buddy, the cuddly teddy bear who comforts her. You have been friendzoned & there you will stay no matter what happens with him.

If she's alone on NYE & you are up for FWB you just take what she gives with no thought to how she feels. It's not about emotions. In fact its about the exact opposite of emotions -- physical connection / good mutual orgasms only. If you can't do that -- & frankly it sounds like you can't because you are too nice of a guy -- don't fall into bed with her because all it will do is break your heart more. Instead you need to be flirting with every girl in the room & collecting as many kisses at midnight as possible.
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Old 28th December 2017, 11:13 AM   #5
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Is she back with the BF? If he will be there on NYE, you need to be anywhere else. Seeing them together will rip your heart out.

Doing things to make him jealous will not win you any points. If she has any sense & wants to preserve her relationship with him, at his insistence, she will drop you like a hot potato.

Even if he is out of the picture again, you not going to be promoted to BF. He's the hot sexy stud she wants. You are the buddy, the cuddly teddy bear who comforts her. You have been friendzoned & there you will stay no matter what happens with him.

If she's alone on NYE & you are up for FWB you just take what she gives with no thought to how she feels. It's not about emotions. In fact its about the exact opposite of emotions -- physical connection / good mutual orgasms only. If you can't do that -- & frankly it sounds like you can't because you are too nice of a guy -- don't fall into bed with her because all it will do is break your heart more. Instead you need to be flirting with every girl in the room & collecting as many kisses at midnight as possible.
They are not together yet and he is already giving her **** for being around me. She is slowly talking to him because he is putting up a smoke screen and manipulating her and it is working .He will not be at NYE with us because no one likes him like I said. To be quite honest he really is not the sexy stud you are describing. She likes him for his emotional support that he provides her.

I feel like I can get her in bed. I know I am a nice guy but I would definitely not turn down an offer of sex with her. What if I made her jealous?

I know she liked me at one point for sure. If he was the biggest ass and no one likes him out of her best friends and how can that even workout? How can she not see like oh I was the ideal guy holy jeeze what was I thinking? If she really liked me like she said she did then why can't that spark up again after her ex screws her over?
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Old 28th December 2017, 11:20 AM   #6
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You are talking about sparking up "again." I'm telling you the spark wasn't there in the first place. She turned to you because you are safe. Objectively he may not be the biggest stud but in her eyes he is sexier & more desirable then you are. You are old reliable. He's the guy who makes her motor run.
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Old 28th December 2017, 11:31 AM   #7
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You are talking about sparking up "again." I'm telling you the spark wasn't there in the first place. She turned to you because you are safe. Objectively he may not be the biggest stud but in her eyes he is sexier & more desirable then you are. You are old reliable. He's the guy who makes her motor run.
Fair enough, so how do I become best friends with her again?
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Old 28th December 2017, 11:34 AM   #8
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That is entirely up to you. How'd you become friends the 1st time?

Basically at this point though it involves you lying to yourself & suppressing your urges while you keep telling yourself "it's enough." They you sit there letting the acid build in your stomach while she throws herself at the jerk of a BF.

Doesn't sound like fun to me.
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Old 28th December 2017, 11:36 AM   #9
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Fair enough, so how do I become best friends with her again?
You can't do nothing -- she has to make that call. Remember ,she is the one that chose to hook up with this other person and deal with them, not you. You are 3rd party and uninvited to their little party. All you can do is be your regular cool self and live your own live and do your own thing and find your own party where you can party all night long :-)
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Old 28th December 2017, 11:36 AM   #10
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That is entirely up to you. How'd you become friends the 1st time?

Basically at this point though it involves you lying to yourself & suppressing your urges while you keep telling yourself "it's enough." They you sit there letting the acid build in your stomach while she throws herself at the jerk of a BF.

Doesn't sound like fun to me.
I mean right now of course it is not a good idea but eventually I do want to be friends with her again. Technically we are friends right now but I am just going to be distant and stop giving her the benefit of the doubt.
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Old 30th December 2017, 3:09 PM   #11
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Your instincts are right just to leave her alone. Look at it this way. The beginning of a relationship, you lay the rules for what will happen in the future. If you were to just go along with her running hot and cold and then being still involved with her ex, in the future, she would cross that boundary again and even more because she'd think you would put up with it. So you keep your boundaries. Tell her you are looking for someone who isn't involved or hung up on their ex and don't want to derail your own dating process by having someone looking like a girlfriend when they are not acting like one.
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