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Are we just friends?


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 28th December 2017, 12:53 AM   #1
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Are we just friends?

I just want everyone’s input. A new female employee from out of town started working at my job a few months ago. Our work relationship has always been great, I feel like we balance each other out. I started inviting her out with my friends to hangout since she didn’t know anyone. Then we started hanging out together alone, (dinner at places, bars, hanging out at each other’s place). .

I got to know her a lot more and I slowly became interested in her. She’s really sweet, caring, easy to talk to and and knows how to have fun. The downside is she has had an absuive past relationship that is currently effecting her. She seems very guarded, shy, sensitive and has anxiety which I’m not really clear about.

She’s opened up to me a lot though. What I’m trying to determine is she hanging out with me because she’s lonely, needs attention or she’s interested in me. She doesn’t really initiate plans or hangouts but she always says yes when I invite her out. I’m not sure if she’s just being nice and doesn’t want to say no. Examples on why I think she maybe interested is, a few times we’ve held hands, playfully both when we’ve been drunk.

We’ve cuddled, nothing sexual happened, it was a tad bit awkward since she didn’t initiate or reciprocate anything in return. We were both drinking during thsee times. We text constantly and we always compliment each other. I believe that friends don’t act this way. I would understand if we were friends for a really long time. I asked her about the cuddling the next day, she awkwardly responded with, “I wasn’t uncomfortable, I thought iSt normal for people to do” I’m just confused on how to approach the situation.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th December 2017 at 1:27 AM.. Reason: Paragraphs and move to F&L
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Old 28th December 2017, 1:34 AM   #2
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Welcome to LS

Couple things from long experience:

1. If you find you like a woman or find her attractive, don't get to know her then date her, rather date her and then get to know her.

2. In general, women don't gush their life stories out to men they want to sleep with, especially anything to do with other relationships.

3. Again, in general, it's risky to one's career or employment to date in the workplace, presuming that matters. Yeah, it goes on but we're seeing a lot of problems lately, and actually have seen them at the employer level for a few decades for those of us who are employers. Decide whether your work rep and job matter and then proceed. A woman, especially in today's climate, can destroy a man in the workplace.

The sooner you ask her on a date and treat her like a woman you want to date and have sex with, the sooner you'll get an honest answer. BTDT on all the limbo stuff and backing into a relationship thing and frankly it's a waste of time and leaves the guy open to the tampon syndrome.

Good luck!
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Old 28th December 2017, 2:09 AM   #3
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Maybe u need to ask her directly, no point guessing over it..
The only one who can give u an answer is herself
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Old 28th December 2017, 4:01 PM   #4
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Text: How do you feel about dating someone you work with? You can even have a discussion of why it's a bad idea or why it doesn't bother you. If she seems to have no problem with that, you should ask her if she'd like to go on a real date with you "but if not, I certainly understand."
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Old 29th December 2017, 10:05 AM   #5
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she’s lonely, needs attention or she’s interested in me

All of the above.
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Old 30th December 2017, 10:35 AM   #6
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Yes, she wants you and expects you to make a move.
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:30 PM   #7
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You are right, platonic friends do not behave this way. She seems to enjoy your company if she keeps saying yes to your invitations, I wouldn't worry if she initiates or not. This is probably because she is shy like you mentioned.
She probably likes you and wants to take it slow given her history.
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:57 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petronia View Post
I just want everyone’s input. A new female employee from out of town started working at my job a few months ago. Our work relationship has always been great, I feel like we balance each other out. I started inviting her out with my friends to hangout since she didn’t know anyone. Then we started hanging out together alone, (dinner at places, bars, hanging out at each other’s place). .

I got to know her a lot more and I slowly became interested in her. She’s really sweet, caring, easy to talk to and and knows how to have fun. The downside is she has had an absuive past relationship that is currently effecting her. She seems very guarded, shy, sensitive and has anxiety which I’m not really clear about.

She’s opened up to me a lot though. What I’m trying to determine is she hanging out with me because she’s lonely, needs attention or she’s interested in me. She doesn’t really initiate plans or hangouts but she always says yes when I invite her out. I’m not sure if she’s just being nice and doesn’t want to say no. Examples on why I think she maybe interested is, a few times we’ve held hands, playfully both when we’ve been drunk.

We’ve cuddled, nothing sexual happened, it was a tad bit awkward since she didn’t initiate or reciprocate anything in return. We were both drinking during thsee times. We text constantly and we always compliment each other. I believe that friends don’t act this way. I would understand if we were friends for a really long time. I asked her about the cuddling the next day, she awkwardly responded with, “I wasn’t uncomfortable, I thought iSt normal for people to do” I’m just confused on how to approach the situation.
Dude, regardless if she likes you or not. Whether it will cause problems at work or not is immaterial compared to the bolded.

She is damaged goods. You want someone emotionally healthy and ready for a relationship. This girl is not it.

I promise you will regret getting involved until she's healed from her past.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:18 AM   #9
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I could be wrong (I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken) but it sounds to me like she likes you. If you want to deal with dating a coworker with unresolved prior relationship issues is your call. But she likes you.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:07 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carhill View Post
Welcome to LS

Couple things from long experience:

1. If you find you like a woman or find her attractive, don't get to know her then date her, rather date her and then get to know her. We started off as co-workers and slowly developed a good friendship. I wasn't even attracted to her initially, just sort of happened.

2. In general, women don't gush their life stories out to men they want to sleep with, especially anything to do with other relationships. I agree, it seemed more of a cry for help than anything.

3. Again, in general, it's risky to one's career or employment to date in the workplace, presuming that matters. Yeah, it goes on but we're seeing a lot of problems lately, and actually have seen them at the employer level for a few decades for those of us who are employers. Decide whether your work rep and job matter and then proceed. A woman, especially in today's climate, can destroy a man in the workplace. I have thought about. It is a concern. Sometimes you just can't help it.

The sooner you ask her on a date and treat her like a woman you want to date and have sex with, the sooner you'll get an honest answer. BTDT on all the limbo stuff and backing into a relationship thing and frankly it's a waste of time and leaves the guy open to the tampon syndrome. I see your point, theres just a few things that Ive though about thats holding me back, work relationship, past abusive relationship. I do enjoy spending time with her though and our friendship. I feel like it maybe too soon.

Good luck!
I may just sit back, I don't want to make a big deal of anything, since we are good friends.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:08 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
she’s lonely, needs attention or she’s interested in me

All of the above.
Lol, that what I think but I believe her past relationship is holding her back.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:23 PM   #12
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I agree with everyone but I'm not sure at this point. Recently, we ended up doing the same thing again, spooning. We had a few drinks and she stayed at my place again. I was a more initiative and actually went for a subtle kiss but she pulled away. It wasn't awkward since we were both drunk. She also does not reciprocate much when we're together. I'll usually make a flirty move.

I am not sure how to feel. I enjoy her company, were good friends but I feel like constant spooning and spending time together crosses the line. I am not 100% wanting to date her since its obvious that her past is still affecting her. She seems very unstable and has a lot of growing to do. I really don't want to bring it up to her since things are just fine between us and were "just friends", I guess. I don't want to make things awkward. I may just nip the intimacy stuff in the butt and just be friends.

I don't like the feeling of being lead on or used a tampon or emotional support. Yes we are friends and I am here for you, but don't lay in bed with me and not expect any reaction from me.

Suggestions?
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