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Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 1st December 2017, 2:12 PM   #1
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Question Warning! This will be long!

I am a 59 year old woman seeing a friend from high school and college. He is divorced, still shares a home with his ex-wife, but I am not. I am still somewhat living with my husband but we have not really been together in several years. He often works anywhere in the US for months at a time and one of us will often stay at our vacation home apart from each other. We haven't had sex in 14 years! I asked for a divorce about 6 months ago and he has finally decided to be a decent human being, but we ended up with a post nuptial agreement and split our assets and homes but he said I could live here as long as I want. I pretty much come and go as I please.

My friend and I reconnected about 8 or 9 years ago and felt the chemistry but never acted on it since we didn't feel the timing was good. Back in August 2016 at our 40th high school reunion, we gravitated toward each other, drank some wine, danced, laugh, had fun and ended up in his room for the night. I guess we didn't know where it would lead or even thought about it, but we have continued to see each other every 3-4 weeks as we live 2 hours apart. Sometimes, it's a day or two trip, sometimes it's dinner out then snuggling or more in his hotel room. After initially talking about being together, we now realize we have separate lives 100 miles apart and neither of us is willing to relocate to love together. He is content to continue living with his ex (no sex, but occasionally go out as friends) and I am content to stay here for now. I may end up divorcing my ex and moving into a townhouse mainly because of the guilt I feel about having an affair.

We are a big part of each other's lives as we text or talk everyday and always know what's going on. We often talk about what we are! FWBs? Lovers? Just friends? But we feel so much more than that. After falling hard for him and initially wanting something more permanent and then he freaked out and pulled back and ghosted me for awhile, we seem to be on the same page with continuing with this arrangement indefinitely or until one of us decides to move. I seriously do not think my husband has a clue about my affair as he really doesn't seem to care what I do or where I go.

He has a daughter local to him and I have 3 adult children and 2 grandsons 4 and 7 all within 20 minutes of me.

Any suggestions or advice? Play nice! I do realize I am having an affair!
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Old 1st December 2017, 2:27 PM   #2
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My first thought is.....are you 100% sure he's actually divorced? Sounds to me like he is not.
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Old 1st December 2017, 3:17 PM   #3
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Yes, he is! I saw the papers when we were reviewing the settlement! I have to say I also wondered the same.

And every time he tells me the story about how they had plans to meet friends after work and she called him to say he probably wouldn't want to because she filed papers for a divorce that same day, it's the same story! She had left him for about 5 years and went to Denver to help raise her son's baby. Came back and tried to make a go of it but she suffers from depression and goes off her meds when she feels better and then acts crazy again. I'm 99.9% sure the story is truthful, but obviously there is always a doubt!
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Old 1st December 2017, 3:24 PM   #4
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Yes, he is! I saw the papers when we were reviewing the settlement! I have to say I also wondered the same.

And every time he tells me the story about how they had plans to meet friends after work and she called him to say he probably wouldn't want to because she filed papers for a divorce that same day, it's the same story! She had left him for about 5 years and went to Denver to help raise her son's baby. Came back and tried to make a go of it but she suffers from depression and goes off her meds when she feels better and then acts crazy again. I'm 99.9% sure the story is truthful, but obviously there is always a doubt!
Then you should divorce your husband, move out, and make an honest woman of yourself.
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Old 1st December 2017, 5:26 PM   #5
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YOU are "settling" .
You wanted "more", he shut you down, you now want "less" but frankly that is all you are going to get. You matched your expectations to what was on offer....
I think you may just also be projecting your feelings onto him too. You feel there is so much more but maybe he doesn't... once every 3-4 weeks sounds "convenient" to me.

Neither man is really making you a priority and I guess this guy is most likely using you.

What is your long term plan?
You are 59, and yes it "works" but is it what you really want long term? Seems to me you husband may find another woman tomorrow and I would not trust Mr Reconnection one iota, so where does that leave you?
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Old 2nd December 2017, 8:45 AM   #6
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No long term plan but to live life for me and make myself happy. I would be happy for my husband to find another women tomorrow but I doubt that happens. He is almost 66 and sits on the couch watching TV all day long and doesn't take very good care of himself or his health. He is content to do that.

Mr Reconnection may very well be using me, but this arrangement meets a need for both of us and we truly have fun together traveling, talking, enjoying good food and just being together.

I guess I really don't know what I want, so the best decision is no decision!
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Old 2nd December 2017, 8:54 AM   #7
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Thank you for your advice. I somewhat agree with that but just haven't been able to move forward with that decision yet.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 9:00 AM   #8
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It sound to me like both of you have what you want. You get to keep living your lives and you also get to have each other as lovers. The only think you don't have is an official status and piece of paper that says you are legally a couple. Does it really matter than much to you? Is it important for you to need to live with this man day in day out as husband and wife?
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Old 2nd December 2017, 9:16 AM   #9
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jjgitties, you are correct! We both have what we want. After knowing him intimately for 15 months now, I don't think I want to uproot my life and start all over with another man. Our lifestyles are so different and also 100 miles and 2 hours apart. My life is here and his is there. We enjoy each other when we can. No I don't need a piece of paper. We consider ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend/lovers/friends. We gave up on trying to put a label on us because it doesn't change how we feel or the fun we have! I do regret that it is an affair as I am still legally married. The time I spend with my SO does not take anything away from my husband as we totally live separate lives, totally separate finances and friends. When we are together, it is comfortable and ok. I actually am sitting in the family room drinking coffee with him now, mostly quiet but occasional conversation about work etc.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 9:26 AM   #10
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The time I spend with my SO does not take anything away from my husband as we totally live separate lives, totally separate finances and friends.
^^ Well, this to me doesn't really sound like you are married. You just have a legally binding contract that says you are married under the law. Doesn't sound like you are having an affair to me. Sounds like you are just living your life. Marriages come in all sorts of shapes and have progressed a lot from the Leave It To Beaver days.

On another note, I always wondered many times a week do you think Ward was giving it to June? :-)
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Old 2nd December 2017, 9:45 AM   #11
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^^ Well, this to me doesn't really sound like you are married. You just have a legally binding contract that says you are married under the law. Doesn't sound like you are having an affair to me. Sounds like you are just living your life. Marriages come in all sorts of shapes and have progressed a lot from the Leave It To Beaver days.

On another note, I always wondered many times a week do you think Ward was giving it to June? :-)
Well, it is an affair because her husband is unaware he's in an open marriage. I think she should just tell him about it. It doesn't really sound like he'll object......

Ward and June did not have sex! Well, maybe twice.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 9:54 AM   #12
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Well, it is an affair because her husband is unaware he's in an open marriage. I think she should just tell him about it. It doesn't really sound like he'll object......

Ward and June did not have sex! Well, maybe twice.
In a marriage that the OP is describing, it makes me wonder, the husband must be living a similar life. They are just maintaining the legal part of the marriage because a) its working for them and b) why bother getting into details and specifics of what and how each is living their love lives and possibly risk disrupting the status quo.

But back to June and Ward. Only missionary or do you think they tried other positions?
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Old 2nd December 2017, 10:05 AM   #13
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I seriously doubt my husband is having an affair. He has asperger's and is always at home. I would tell him about the affair but I do care about him enough to not hurt him needlessly.

We really only have a legal contract saying we're married. We live in separate bedrooms and areas of the house when we are together and we have a post nuptial agreement that has split our assets.

Me and my SO laugh that we're probably have more sex than our grown children are, lol!!
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Old 2nd December 2017, 11:16 AM   #14
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You live 2 hours apart, see each other every once in a while. Have fun and hook up. It is called FWB.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 11:33 AM   #15
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You have plenty of company OP. I'm in your age group and see stuff like this plenty. I notice it because I still have my stupid old rules about marital boundaries and kind of envy those with more freedom and flexibility in their boundaries.

IMO, keep on doing what you're doing and, if the time comes you want something different, accept that and make the choice.

Myself, even at my age, if I loved a woman I doubt I could stand to be 100 miles from her and manage the logistics of distance and respective partners/spouses/whatever. As I'm typing that I'm putting together a scenario like yours in my mind with a similar MW and, nah, much as her H is a nice guy I wouldn't be liking their marriage of convenience and him being in the same house. That's me. I'm still a bit territorial in my intimate relationship style. The man here and you appear to have it figured out. My hat's off to you.
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