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Should we always assume...? (need guys' opinion)


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...that when we meet a guy or talk to one, that he wants more than friendship? and if so, should we state up front (without him having asked) that we aren't interested in dating if we really aren't?

 

OR

 

should we be polite, keep talking to him and wait until he actually asks us out or for our phone number to tell him we aren't interested?

 

I'm a very honest and straight-up person, and I don't want to waste time with the small talk if I'm not interested in the guy (which is about 95% of the time).

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ConfusedInOC

Well most women can usually sense the physical attraction. If it's there for a man, more than likely he is going to act on it. If you're willing to deal with it, then do so.

 

Otherwise, I think it's harder for men to be friends with women than it is for women to be friends with men.

 

Men have an agenda...and testoserone bugging them. :laugh:

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Originally posted by sarah12

...that when we meet a guy or talk to one, that he wants more than friendship? and if so, should we state up front (without him having asked) that we aren't interested in dating if we really aren't?

 

OR

 

should we be polite, keep talking to him and wait until he actually asks us out or for our phone number to tell him we aren't interested?

 

I'm a very honest and straight-up person, and I don't want to waste time with the small talk if I'm not interested in the guy (which is about 95% of the time).

 

Exactly... I wish more women felt this way. Just let him have the truth right between the eyes. If you know that you will never be interested then tell him. I just feel a little sorry for you in that you could not let a friendship develop into possibly more but I understand your position and agree with your result. Don't waste his time or yours....

 

Peace...

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but realize that when you do reject a guy, the guy might not even want to be friends no more (cause he sees no point if getting with you was his agenda in the first place) so it depends how you value the friendship with him.

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I'm confused by the question. You meet a random guy and you just come out and tell him you're not interested? Or do you THINK he might be interested, and you want to stop it ahead of time?

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Originally posted by dgiirl

I'm confused by the question. You meet a random guy and you just come out and tell him you're not interested? Or do you THINK he might be interested, and you want to stop it ahead of time?

 

I think she means that if she talks to a guy and she is not interested in him romantically then she thinks she should just tell him and end any sort of friendship on his part.

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But what if he's a work buddy or something?! I've never assumed that a guy I meet is into me.

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Actually I have learned that the best way to deal with guys that you would never be interested in is to act busy, bored, and do not stand and chit chat or even act too friendly.

 

It took me 22 years to learn this lol. My mom always told me I was "too nice" and led guys to think I liked them by being too friendly. Now I treat guys with absolute aloofness if I see there is no chance.

 

P.S. You can usually tell if a guy is flirting or just wanting to talk (about work for example). The two are pretty different. But, even if you think you could be friends with a guy better not do it. They do not have your friendship in mind, they have something else in mind. Stick to female friends.

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Originally posted by XNemesisX

P.S. You can usually tell if a guy is flirting or just wanting to talk (about work for example). The two are pretty different. But, even if you think you could be friends with a guy better not do it. They do not have your friendship in mind, they have something else in mind. Stick to female friends.

 

lol that's pretty hard for me to do since there's not many females in my profession.

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Originally posted by dgiirl

lol that's pretty hard for me to do since there's not many females in my profession.

 

You can be aquaintances with guys but keep you distance if you have no attraction or see no possibility of something more. It will save a lot of headaches between the two of you in the long run.

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blah, i hate the single life... too many rules. I think i'll just put my wedding ring back on and call it quits :)

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ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by Marshbear

I think she means that if she talks to a guy and she is not interested in him romantically then she thinks she should just tell him and end any sort of friendship on his part.

 

!!! If so, I think that's ridiculous. Friendly interaction - at work or socially - with both genders is part of the fun of this life. Are americans really this individualistic?

 

 

 

Originally posted by XNemesisX

Actually I have learned that the best way to deal with guys that you would never be interested in is to act busy, bored, and do not stand and chit chat or even act too friendly.

 

I'm speechless. Do you intend to be this rude when you leave your academic ivory tower and enter the real world? Or are you planning to enter a harem? :p

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Originally posted by sarah12

I'm a very honest and straight-up person, and I don't want to waste time with the small talk if I'm not interested in the guy (which is about 95% of the time).

when some new dude approaches you and you KNOW you are not interested in him you should mention within first 5 or 10 minutes of conversation that you have a b/f or are attached already (even if you are not). most guys will get the message.

 

the key is to say it early on in conversation and make it clear that you are taken (even if u are not). this is for dudes you will most likely not see again.

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blackendangel13

I am a little confused by the topic as well. Do you mean that you meet a guy and find you are not interested and want to make friends with them? Or when you have developed a friendship then think they are into you?

 

IMO I have learned that looks play a lesser role in attraction to a person in some cases. The more you find out about the person's personality the more attractive to them you can become. I'd like to get to know a guy before just saying "Hey let's be friends". Take it slow and don't put yourself in positions for it to be weird or for lines to be crossed until you know. I have told lots of guys straight up that I didn't want a relationship with them and after being their friend I changed my mind, but I had already burned the bridge. Let **** ride and if they ask you out say you are not ready.

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ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by blackendangel13

I'd like to get to know a guy before just saying "Hey let's be friends". Take it slow and don't put yourself in positions for it to be weird or for lines to be crossed until you know.

 

Now there's a novel approach :D

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Originally posted by blackendangel13

I am a little confused by the topic as well. Do you mean that you meet a guy and find you are not interested and want to make friends with them? Or when you have developed a friendship then think they are into you?

 

IMO I have learned that looks play a lesser role in attraction to a person in some cases. The more you find out about the person's personality the more attractive to them you can become. I'd like to get to know a guy before just saying "Hey let's be friends". Take it slow and don't put yourself in positions for it to be weird or for lines to be crossed until you know. I have told lots of guys straight up that I didn't want a relationship with them and after being their friend I changed my mind, but I had already burned the bridge. Let **** ride and if they ask you out say you are not ready.

 

I agree with you blackendangel. In the real world if you get to know a person you find things about them that makes them more attractive. This post is for those people who are shallow and just look at physical attraction as the deciding factor if they want to get to know someone. Many women will befriend a guy and even if they like them, because they are not attracted physically, the relationship stops at friendship. They will not try to see if they can have something more because they are not up to par in the "sexual chemistry" department for them. If you are a shallow person and find that personality and conversation is not enough for a relationship then you should just tell the guy that he is wasting his time and yours.

Yes, it seems this is a problem on the Atlantic side of the pond. Europeans seem more civilized when it comes to relationships than us Americans. :rolleyes:

 

 

Peace...

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Originally posted by Marshbear

Yes, it seems this is a problem on the Atlantic side of the pond. Europeans seem more civilized when it comes to relationships than us Americans. :rolleyes:

actually M.B. there are many other things besides relationships that the Europeans are more civilized at than we are.......

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ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by alphamale

actually M.B. there are many other things besides relationships that the Europeans are more civilized at than we are.......

 

;)

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blackendangel13

Just wanted to share a little story for those who judge what they want from people solely on their looks.

 

I met a guy (currently he is my best friend, but thats a different story), he came up to me at a bar. He was sweet and we chatted. He had just started running in my circle of friends. Physically I wasn't that attracted to him. I was just out of a bad relationship and he made me feel good about myself. He was in the same boat as far as getting out of something serious and just wanted to meet me. I met him a few nights later at a party. We talked more. The more I talked to him, the more intrigued I got, although I still didn't find him that hot.

 

So I find out from a friend (I know this is so lame) where he would be and I showed up. It was a pretty far drive and he was really happy to see me. We hung out all night and he came home with me. Nothing happened we just were getting to know each other and he wanted to follow me home to make sure I got there ok and I invited him up. We have been close ever since.

 

Basically, to make this a little shorter, I fell in love with his personality. Everyone around me thinks he is f-ing hot and I am starting to see him as attractive. But when I got to know who he was, all I can say is God Damn I want some lol. Now if I had met him and been like "Well I'm just looking for a friend" (which I was ) I might have missed a good opportunity. Just ride the wave, first impressions are almost always not the impression you will have when you get to know a person.

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Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

I'm speechless. Do you intend to be this rude when you leave your academic ivory tower and enter the real world? Or are you planning to enter a harem? :p

 

I'm not rude to people that I know do not want to date me or people that I could see myself dating. I have learned, RR, that if you act TOO nice to guys that you are not interested in then you will only give yourself a heap of problems later on when they won't go away/leave you alone/ take a hint. Better to be upfront from the start and don't give them any hope. It's a lot less drama in the end that way.

 

P.S. Being rude is a lot different than keeping conversations to a minimum and being brief with people that you really have no interest in getting to know.

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Thanks everyone for sharing your input. :)

 

To clarify what I meant in my question, I'll give you a typical scenario:

 

I go to a friend's place for a gathering -- dinner, drinks, etc. -- and a friend of a friend (basically a random person) comes up to me and starts up the chit chat. He assumes I am single (which I am) because I did not bring anyone to the party, and will attempt to win me over and get my number at the end of the night. So the question is, if I am not interested in this guy to date OR as a friend, what would be the ideal way to let this guy know? What would YOU want the girl to do, if you were in this situation?

 

I liked alpha's answer:

when some new dude approaches you and you KNOW you are not interested in him you should mention within first 5 or 10 minutes of conversation that you have a b/f or are attached already (even if you are not). most guys will get the message.

 

..but I'm concerned about being rude or being a stuck up beyoottch by automatically assuming that every guy that is single and talks to me will want to hit on me.

 

RR:

Friendly interaction - at work or socially - with both genders is part of the fun of this life. Are americans really this individualistic?

There is nothing wrong with friendly interaction, but you're talking about the group as a whole -- nothing wrong with that. I just find myself in too many situations where I am getting hit on by guys I am not interested in at these functions/parties/bars/lounges/clubs and they are either random guys or friends of friends, and I don't know how to let them know early on that I am not interested without coming off as being rude. Don't get me wrong, I am quite flattered, but I find that 99% of the time, I am not interested.

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Originally posted by XNemesisX

I'm not rude to people that I know do not want to date me or people that I could see myself dating. I have learned, RR, that if you act TOO nice to guys that you are not interested in then you will only give yourself a heap of problems later on when they won't go away/leave you alone/ take a hint. Better to be upfront from the start and don't give them any hope. It's a lot less drama in the end that way.

 

P.S. Being rude is a lot different than keeping conversations to a minimum and being brief with people that you really have no interest in getting to know.

 

You know XNemesisX. Life is short and you will reap what you sow. Hope things always works out for you.

:bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

Peace...

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Originally posted by sarah12

Don't get me wrong, I am quite flattered, but I find that 99% of the time, I am not interested.

 

Yep, that is how I feel too.

 

I like Alpha's advice too on the made up boyfriend. I use that too. When a guy I am not interested in tries to talk to me and (you get that vibe when you know they are hitting on you) I will say something like "well hey it was nice chatting with you but I have to go meet my boyfriend at <such and such place> talk to you later!"

 

That usually works.

 

Or you can act just generally bored with them. Or like you are in a big hurry (if possible). With some thick skulled socially inept guys, you HAVE to act this way or else they will just not get it. I'm sure women know the kind I'm talking about.

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Originally posted by Marshbear

You know XNemesisX. Life is short and you will reap what you sow. Hope things always works out for you.

:bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

Peace...

 

I thought you were agreeing with me earlier? :confused:

 

Originally posted by Marshbear

You can be aquaintances with guys but keep you distance if you have no attraction or see no possibility of something more. It will save a lot of headaches between the two of you in the long run.

 

Isn't that what I am saying???

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I have learned, RR, that if you act TOO nice to guys that you are not interested in then you will only give yourself a heap of problems later on when they won't go away/leave you alone/ take a hint. Better to be upfront from the start and don't give them any hope. It's a lot less drama in the end that way.

 

I agree!! I have also been too nice to guys in the past, and they just don't get it. Even if you tell them 'nicely' that you aren't interested, they won't leave you alone. It's like they think you are playing hard to get, when we're really just not interested. Sometimes they ask the mutual friend about me and put them in an awkward position. It's hard for guys though, I understand, but I guess guys should just know that if a girl is interested in you, her actions will show it. If she's constantly running away from you and not accepting your offers to buy her a drink, then she isn't interested, or she's playing games -- in which case you wouldn't want her anyways.

 

So I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.....

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