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FriendZone Confirmed [maybe - update]


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 8th January 2018, 10:04 AM   #16
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Very good points, And believe me, I understand everything you are saying but I'm fighting myself on one very important thing...

If that "talk" goes into the "you are more important as a friend" what am I supposed to say? Do I say that I'm sorry we can no longer be friends the way we are? I really enjoy being around her, more than anyone else.

And I do date other people she just has no idea. I live alone so it's very easy for me to see other people when she isn't around, I just don't get to close to any of them.

She's currently away with family on a vacation, we text everyday as we normally do. I'm just not sure I have the balls for the "talk" as Juha and preraph suggest.
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Old 8th January 2018, 3:21 PM   #17
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Since you're still dating, it's not such a bad situation with you being unable to move on, but emotionally, you are kind of stuck on her, so it may be keeping you from falling for some of your dates. When you are really paralyzed by waiting and hoping, you really should just cut it off if they only want to be friends. You'll move on with life sooner. But I understand what you're saying because I was an orbiter and stayed in guys' lives for decades. But as you do, at one point when I was really wasting some time on a guy, i MADE myself go out with others even though I really only had eyes for him. But then I met a guy who I fell for not long after making myself do it. Anyway, don't let yourself get into waiting mode. It might be GOOD for her to know you are dating, but don't throw it in her face. Just some times when she may want to do something, never stand your date up for her and just tell her, Oh, can't, I already have plans. Don't hide it from her but also don't be specific. Be vague but be busy so she doesn't take you for granted AND so you don't let her affect your dating plans and other friendships. That will get you more respect from her than if she can always make you be there at the drop of a glove.
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Old 8th January 2018, 3:28 PM   #18
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Very good points, And believe me, I understand everything you are saying but I'm fighting myself on one very important thing...

If that "talk" goes into the "you are more important as a friend" what am I supposed to say? Do I say that I'm sorry we can no longer be friends the way we are? I really enjoy being around her, more than anyone else.

I accept that but it does not respect how I feel so we're done.


That's not mean, rather clear, unambiguous and respects your own boundaries, presuming your interest is sexual and romantic, not platonic. Never sacrifice yourself at the altar of a woman unless she's your life partner, has demonstrated she'll take a bullet for you and has been at your side faithfully for a long time. The others, they don't care. Sure they might enjoy some good times with you and there's value in that but it'll never be anything else. I say that having had some dear female friends in life, the important difference being I never kissed them and 'wanted more'. They were just friends. This woman, from my read, is not appearing as a friend to you. You want more.
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Old 8th January 2018, 4:08 PM   #19
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Very good points, And believe me, I understand everything you are saying but I'm fighting myself on one very important thing...

If that "talk" goes into the "you are more important as a friend" what am I supposed to say? Do I say that I'm sorry we can no longer be friends the way we are? I really enjoy being around her, more than anyone else.

And I do date other people she just has no idea. I live alone so it's very easy for me to see other people when she isn't around, I just don't get to close to any of them.

She's currently away with family on a vacation, we text everyday as we normally do. I'm just not sure I have the balls for the "talk" as Juha and preraph suggest.

Friends first makes a strong foundation for a lasting relationship. I know because the man I'm with I've known for at least thirty years.

We, like you, did everything together and neither of us would make the first move towards a relationship in fear of losing our friendship.

Eventually my now boyfriend, stood strong and said, if we didn't move forward in a relationship, he'd have to stop seeing me everyday. He moved in for the kiss and the rest is history.

The "talk", puts you in a different light. You are strong and brave for having the courage to believe you two can continue to be friends and lovers. She needs to have faith that it is possible.

I was afraid to mess up our friendship, and my boyfriend had the courage to make the next step. Be strong and stand firm, and she should see you in a different light.

Send her flowers to her job, and say I'm thinking of you.
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Old 8th January 2018, 4:43 PM   #20
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Send her flowers to her job, and say I'm thinking of you.
Funny you mention that. I can't send flowers to her job, I work with her. But I plan on putting her favorite flowers in her home as I'm feeding the cat while she's away. Also during texts today, we were talking about bonuses we received for last month, I mentioned that i'd like to use some of my bonus to take you to dinner. She replied with a happy/blush face.
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Old 8th January 2018, 5:38 PM   #21
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Funny you mention that. I can't send flowers to her job, I work with her. But I plan on putting her favorite flowers in her home as I'm feeding the cat while she's away. Also during texts today, we were talking about bonuses we received for last month, I mentioned that i'd like to use some of my bonus to take you to dinner. She replied with a happy/blush face.
Yes you did say that you work with her. I love the plan to put flowers in her home ironspider, and you are taking care of her cat for her while she' away. She trusts you, this is sweet and I'm hoping you two have a wonderful dinner date when she returns.
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Old 18th January 2018, 11:35 AM   #22
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Any update op, curious?

I hope you are not wasting more time on this woman...

I respect what was posted before but if you think being friends with this woman is going to get what you want the odds are so stacked against you for it to happen.

Being friends turning into a relationship just not realistic in real life.
That is movie material and unfortunately many women will give this advice to you that being friends first will lead to a relationship...

Do not buy it....
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Old 18th January 2018, 12:07 PM   #23
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Ironspider it's really going to hurt you deeply if she meets and starts dating someone else. I hope that doesn't happen to you. You two sound as if you really get on well.

I married my best friend and live a beautiful life with her for 20 years now.
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Old 26th January 2018, 1:26 PM   #24
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I'd posted earlier that my situation was similar. It finally got to the point that I had to just get the courage to say something and hope for the best. We haven't made any decisions, but talking was great and so far hasn't hurt the friendship. We talked about our feelings and what was holding us back, and now everyone is processing and seeing how things go. Granted, my talk didn't go badly (ie blow up the friendship), but I do feel a lot better than I expected and recommend bringing it up since it's been months of this for you. Good luck
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Old 27th January 2018, 2:50 PM   #25
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It sounds to me like you friend zoned yourself here. She told you you're "the whole package" and you talked your way out of it. Then you ran when she wanted you to stay the night!
This!!!

You are friendzoning yourself!

Ask her in a date. And make sure she knows itís a date.
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Old 31st January 2018, 2:54 PM   #26
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And I do date other people she just has no idea. I live alone so it's very easy for me to see other people when she isn't around, I just don't get to close to any of them.
Curious, why don't you let her know that you're seeing other people? She might then get the message that you're not always going to be on her "friendzone" hook should something really work out with one of these other women. I'm not suggesting you be manipulative, just that you be honest. You see other women because you're not getting what you really want from her, which is a relationship. This doesn't work either because as long as you're hung up on her, you're never going to give your whole self to another person. That means all of those relationships will be likely to fail in the end because they're just surface relationships. I'd be honest with her and let her know you're dating. That might actually end up being good for you.

Secondly, to those who say "once you're friendzoned, there's no getting out." That's just not true. A few months after I met the woman who became my wife, we'd been on a few dates, but she wanted to "just be friends." I agreed, but proceeded to distance myself from her and start seeing other people. We ended up hooking up a few months later and eventually we were married for almost 10 years.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 12:11 PM   #27
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You guys/gals are great. Lots of great advice that I'm not taking.

Recently we've spent a lot of time together after I told myself I would back away a bit. Now I think I have to for my own sanity. Yesterday she told me that she has a blind date tonight, she knows I don't like hearing it but told me anyway. Shortly into the conversation we were interrupted thankfully so I didn't get details.

I'm more upset than I thought I'd be. Now I'm just trying to scrape together a date to keep me company tonight so I don't wallow. I'm not sure what bothers me more: The fact that she has a date or the fact that she knows I don't like hearing about this stuff. It's going to be a long day/night as I have to spend all day with her at work. I wonder if she'll bring it up again and what stupid thing will come out of my mouth.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 12:14 PM   #28
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Any update op, curious?

I hope you are not wasting more time on this woman...

I respect what was posted before but if you think being friends with this woman is going to get what you want the odds are so stacked against you for it to happen.

Being friends turning into a relationship just not realistic in real life.
That is movie material and unfortunately many women will give this advice to you that being friends first will lead to a relationship...

Do not buy it....
I hate to say this but I think you and others are right.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 1:04 PM   #29
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You guys/gals are great. Lots of great advice that I'm not taking.

Recently we've spent a lot of time together after I told myself I would back away a bit. Now I think I have to for my own sanity. Yesterday she told me that she has a blind date tonight, she knows I don't like hearing it but told me anyway. Shortly into the conversation we were interrupted thankfully so I didn't get details.

I'm more upset than I thought I'd be. Now I'm just trying to scrape together a date to keep me company tonight so I don't wallow. I'm not sure what bothers me more: The fact that she has a date or the fact that she knows I don't like hearing about this stuff. It's going to be a long day/night as I have to spend all day with her at work. I wonder if she'll bring it up again and what stupid thing will come out of my mouth.

I have been there, so I really do know how difficult this is, but you really do need to distance yourself from this woman. She's seeing other people and you have unrequited feelings for her.

Honestly, if it were me, I would tell her that you are not interested in hearing about her dating life because it's only going to cause you pain. Then I'd back away from her for your own self preservation. I'm not saying you should cut her off, just live your life, see other people, keep yourself busy with other things and let her do the same. Let her miss you. She can't do that if you're always there.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 1:16 PM   #30
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I have been there, so I really do know how difficult this is, but you really do need to distance yourself from this woman. She's seeing other people and you have unrequited feelings for her.

Honestly, if it were me, I would tell her that you are not interested in hearing about her dating life because it's only going to cause you pain. Then I'd back away from her for your own self preservation. I'm not saying you should cut her off, just live your life, see other people, keep yourself busy with other things and let her do the same. Let her miss you. She can't do that if you're always there.
If she brings it up again today, I will certainly tell her that I don't want to hear about it. It's so difficult to back away from her though, I enjoy her company more than anyone I can remember.
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