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FriendZone Confirmed [maybe - update]


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 13th November 2017, 4:34 PM   #1
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FriendZone Confirmed [maybe - update]

I've been very great friends with this woman I work with but I crush on her something fierce, never tried anything but we hang out a lot, movies, dinner, drinks all the time etc. We truly are very good friends.

Three nights ago she texted me: "online guys suck". To which I told her she is too good for those dating sites and there are plenty of men wanting to date her.
Back and forth we went about who, what she wants etc. Then I said: "There is probably a guy that you already know, that really wants you, you just need to open your eyes and mind." Well she caught on and said:

her: ok
her: i'm gonna ask
her: do you mean you?

Me: I was referring to a lot of people, i'd be perfect for some things but i'm not the whole package.

her:you are the whole package
her: but you are my friend and that means more.

Then we just continued on and dropped it. Yesterday we did some stuff for her then went out for lunch and drinks, not a word was said.

So yeah, it's confirmed, I'm in the friendzone. I love hanging with her anyway so this won't affect our relationship, but maybe one day she'll see the light.

Thanks for listening, needed to get it off my chest.
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Old 13th November 2017, 11:04 PM   #2
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So yeah, it's confirmed, I'm in the friendzone. I love hanging with her anyway so this won't affect our relationship, but maybe one day she'll see the light.
If you really were the whole package in her eyes, she would want you.

It sounds like you made your move, and you were denied.

I'd suggest you set some sort of boundaries with this woman, like for example, if she airs emotional baggage about other men she is dating, she shouldn't come to you too talk about it. Girls have other girlfriends for that.

I could be totally wrong, but this could be a scenario where she knows she has you on the hook, so she knows you won't go anywhere while she looks for someone "better" than you in the meantime.
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Last edited by magnesium; 13th November 2017 at 11:08 PM..
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Old 27th November 2017, 9:27 AM   #3
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Another interesting development...

We went out to a high end place for drinks with one of her friends and her husband, had a great night, I'd call it a great date if it were that type of thing.

Afterwards, it's now around midnight, I go back to her place for another drink, we chat a little then I decide to go. She suggests staying in the extra bedroom as opposed to driving so late. I decline and go in for the usual goodbye cheek kiss and hug. She didn't go for the cheek this time but i did so it was a half lip kiss. She walks me downstairs to the door and kiss again, this time cheeks like normal but she gave me multiple pecks.

I'm chalking it up to she was drinking and had a solid buzz going on. She's coming to an Xmas party at my neighbors house next month and she will be staying the night (as friends). I guess we'll see what happens.
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Old 27th November 2017, 4:13 PM   #4
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Just ask her out directly and save both of you all this torture of passiveness.
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Old 28th November 2017, 11:54 AM   #5
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If you value her for her friendship, the friend zone ceases to be a bad thing. Rejection is freedom to find someone who is a better fit. A better fit wants what you want (a relationship) and wants you back.
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Old 28th November 2017, 12:09 PM   #6
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It sounds to me like you friend zoned yourself here. She told you you're "the whole package" and you talked your way out of it. Then you ran when she wanted you to stay the night!
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Old 28th November 2017, 12:10 PM   #7
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Pro old guy tip: If you embrace a woman and kiss her and want more, she's not a friend.

Quote:
I'm chalking it up to she was drinking and had a solid buzz going on. She's coming to an Xmas party at my neighbors house next month and she will be staying the night (as friends). I guess we'll see what happens.
I had this experience recently, in a way very similar to yours in the OP, and it wasn't the way she kissed me that alarmed me, as women sometimes get, er, more passionate when drinking, it was how I felt when she did, and especially when continuing. That and, eh, her H was sleeping twenty feet away. Dangerous territory.

For you, a different kind of dangerous, meaning you're sacrificing dating/romance at the altar of friendship, presumably with an available (unmarried/LTR) lady. BTDT long ago on another planet of foolish. Don't be that man. Be the man who openly expresses his attraction and desire for available ladies he finds attractive. Good luck!
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Old 28th November 2017, 12:16 PM   #8
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You blew it! She wanted to kiss you ��
Go for it already !!

Oh but lay low on the drinking it sounds like every time you both hang out you have to be drinking
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Old 30th November 2017, 4:35 PM   #9
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Thank you all for your help. Have I taken any of your advice? Not yet, but hopefully I will soon. But, thanks again.
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Old 1st December 2017, 9:22 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ironspider View Post
I've been very great friends with this woman I work with but I crush on her something fierce, never tried anything but we hang out a lot, movies, dinner, drinks all the time etc. We truly are very good friends.

Three nights ago she texted me: "online guys suck". To which I told her she is too good for those dating sites and there are plenty of men wanting to date her.
Back and forth we went about who, what she wants etc. Then I said: "There is probably a guy that you already know, that really wants you, you just need to open your eyes and mind." Well she caught on and said:

her: ok
her: i'm gonna ask
her: do you mean you?

Me: I was referring to a lot of people, i'd be perfect for some things but i'm not the whole package.

her:you are the whole package
her: but you are my friend and that means more.

Then we just continued on and dropped it. Yesterday we did some stuff for her then went out for lunch and drinks, not a word was said.

So yeah, it's confirmed, I'm in the friendzone. I love hanging with her anyway so this won't affect our relationship, but maybe one day she'll see the light.

Thanks for listening, needed to get it off my chest.
one you are friend zoned you never get out. its the way it works. the problem you have is she will never get turned on or sexually excited about you. what could happen sometimes is, if you find someone else and start dating and sleeping with someone else, she might get excited by the fact that she could have had you but now she can't and could get you out of the friend zone. this is naturally provided you do come forward and tell her you are interested in her in more than just being good friends. naturally, once you do that, you risk losing her as a friend. hard choices. good luck.
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Old 12th December 2017, 11:54 AM   #11
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one you are friend zoned you never get out. its the way it works. the problem you have is she will never get turned on or sexually excited about you. what could happen sometimes is, if you find someone else and start dating and sleeping with someone else, she might get excited by the fact that she could have had you but now she can't and could get you out of the friend zone. this is naturally provided you do come forward and tell her you are interested in her in more than just being good friends. naturally, once you do that, you risk losing her as a friend. hard choices. good luck.
I'm guessing you read a lot of PUA material. This might apply to a certain type of girl (e.g. young and/or trashy), but certainly isn't universal. In the OP's case, it sounds more like he initiated the friend zone, not her. If that's the case, her feelings aren't just going to evaporate in an instant. If she's a decent girl (i.e. worth dating) then sleeping with someone else is unlikely to be the right strategy to pursue here.
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Old 6th January 2018, 1:08 PM   #12
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Update

So now that the Holidays have come and gone my friend and I have spent a significant amount of time together.

Mid December we attended my neighbors Christmas party, she spent the night on the couch, then again for new years, another neighbors' party, again she spent the night. We had such a wonderful time together, most people think we are romantically involved due to the amount of time we spend. Most of December I was with her nearly every other day.

My decision as of late, against the suggestions of friends, is to NOT try anything. I've decided that being around her makes me feel good and to do anything to hurt this would be devastating to me. However, I'm not blind to the fact that a day will come where (if I'm not the guy) she'll decide she wants a partner or maybe I will, and we can't keep up this level of friendship as we spend too much time together for a partner to understand.

I feel like I'm in an awesome situation now with a bad outcome pending. One of us will get hurt.
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Old 6th January 2018, 2:41 PM   #13
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I'm in this exact situation... but with my ex. There's something very deep there emotionally, people mistake us for dating all the time, we hang out all the time (he pays about 2/3 of the time), but he hasn't made a real move to get physical / reconcile and it's been this way for two months. I'm actively meeting new people and going on first dates, but if I eventually click with someone I'm going to have to pull way back on this "friendship." Most days I'm OK with it, some days I get upset by the prospect of getting friend zoned because he's been rekindling my feelings... but he also dumped me after a year (over a year ago), so I don't want to be the one to bring up the what are we conversation. I'm assuming if he wanted to be with me, he'd let me know... and since he hasn't, he doesn't. But I know when one of us meets someone else, the other is going to get hurt.

I'm curious to see how this goes for you. It sounds like from what you describe, you put the idea in her head (the, do you mean you conversation), and she's thinking about it still.

Last edited by SpecialJ; 6th January 2018 at 2:46 PM..
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Old 6th January 2018, 5:22 PM   #14
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Yeah, that's what's wrong with not accepting that it can't go on like this. She will end up with a boyfriend and then you won't have her as a friend either because he will suspect you want more. I say your conversation about package was ambiguous on both sides and that you should have a conversation that is more honest and direct and just ask her, expecially now that you've been pecking and sleeping over. You should be able to say, Let's talk about what we want to be. When she said you're the whole package, you said "no," basically, which she would interpret to mean Yes, I'm the whole package but not for you. She could have interpreted it as rejection.

It's time to be an adult and have the talk with her. Tell her, I have feelings beyond friendship for you. Do you reciprocate, or would going down that road run you off? She pecked around on you, the old hen! You two are playing with fire letting this drag out. You know where it leads, to being an aquaintance again.

Be a grown up and have that talk like I said before and if she has any interest, then say, well, let's go out on a real date where I treat you like a lady and kiss you at the end of the night. Just do it.
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Old 7th January 2018, 4:13 AM   #15
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I don't understand why people insist on torturing themselves by putting themselves in and accepting these types of situations. It makes no sense and is detrimental to your long term happiness.

You like this woman very much, if nothing is going to happen with the two of you then you really need to not be friends anymore. You are just wasting your time and when she does get a boyfriend you will be gone from her life.

You said you spent almost everyday with this woman around the holidays. My question is why? You could be out with friends you are not wanting to date and not torturing yourself. you could be out possibly meeting someone to date instead of wasting your time.

It seems she is using you as her emotional boyfriend, I may be wrong but I don't think so

You really need to just talk with this woman and lay the cards on the table, if she is not interested then you need to not be friends anymore so you can move on and find someone who is interested in you.
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