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-   -   Anyone been in a non physical FWB? (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/641679-anyone-been-non-physical-fwb)

fieldoflavender 4th November 2017 12:52 AM

Anyone been in a non physical FWB?
 
I don't know what to call these, but it goes a bit beyond friends. Basically you act like you're in a relationship - hang out with each other, do dinners on a weekly or once q 2 weeks if you're long distance, share personal thoughts, and they're kind of your go to person. But you're not dating and you're not doing anything physical - sure, occasional flirting here and there, but the amount of time you spend with them exceeds what would normally be expected for a guy and girl "Friends".

Maybe some people believe in platonic female-male relationships - I am always a bit wary. Unless you've both had the open discussion or dated in the past and it was clearly not going to work, I feel like if there's still that "Maybe" in there, it's not purely platonic.

I have two of these right now - one that I have actual real feelings for but he's always been hot and cold, so I am just proactively looking elsewhere. I am contemplating just discussing it out because things are starting to get awkward between us - but I am not so quite ready to make the plunge either.

Then another one I've known for 10 years who I Would say is my guy "best friend" but I haven't ruled him out completely as a dating partner. Just not right for me right now. Not even necessarily a matter of he's not "good enough" but the compatibles are not there right now - and we have grown and matured over the years and watched each other do so and he knows more about all my relationships than anyone else. And I've never been so honest with anyone else. But I don't know where this will lead either. But we hang out practically every single weekend despite the fact that he's in a city 2 hours away. I think that's a bit "excessive" and we never did that until I had my recent breakup and became single.

Is it just me or is anyone else in these?

I was in one a few years ago, but I had zero feelings whereas the guy really liked me. I was dumb back then and I thought we could be platonic friends and I made it clear that I did not feel that way for him. He didn't give up pursuing and finally we couldn't be close friends anymore. We are still friends, but we never hung out like we used to.

fieldoflavender 4th November 2017 12:58 AM

Should also mention I try to maintain boundaries beyond the physical stuff. We generally go dutch, especially with the 10 year friend. I'm making more than him right now so I pay a little bit more sometimes (not excessively), and sometimes he gives me a lot of rides.

With the other guy, he was making more than me, so he paid for me and now I"m making more than him so we pay separately.

Both of them will eventually make about the same as me - we're just in different points of our careers but in the same field.

I think the money aspect at least draws boundaries. And I've never slept with either one. I was tempted with the first one, but in hindsight, it's probably good I didn't - probably a point of no return.

GemmaUK 4th November 2017 9:43 AM

Both could be called close friendships.

Feelings on either side though are in limbo (for the one who has the feelings) if there is an inability or unwillingness to communicate for some reason.
Just because you are both straight and opposite sex doesn't mean there is necessarily any romantic interest.

Has either of them tried to kiss you or express anything more than friendship with you? You say there is a little flirting - who initiates this? Is it them and something you play with but essentially laugh off as not a sin that they may feel more for you?
You talk about making money, who makes more, how you split bills. Maybe these guys are intimidated by your independence.

ETA: Maybe they also are very aware you're only just out of a relationship so know that you're perhaps not ready for another one as yet.

fieldoflavender 5th November 2017 7:57 PM

I guess it's one of those - all single heterosexual male-female friends (or the equivalent in homosexual same gender friendships) people usually wonder if there is any dating potential. You wonder early on, and you wonder if you get close. Sometimes there are deal breakers, other times you struggle to figure out what you truly want.

No they haven't and I haven't either. The flirting is mutual - mostly verbal banter, some playful touching (nothing crazy - just shoulders, elbowing etc). But it's different than friendships where I joke around with other male friends, but there is none of that. They could be - and it could be the the post -engagement break up thing, but it's been like 6 months almost! I think at some point, I deserve to be allowed to move on lol.

GemmaUK 7th November 2017 1:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fieldoflavender (Post 7459757)
I guess it's one of those - all single heterosexual male-female friends (or the equivalent in homosexual same gender friendships) people usually wonder if there is any dating potential. You wonder early on, and you wonder if you get close. Sometimes there are deal breakers, other times you struggle to figure out what you truly want.

No they haven't and I haven't either. The flirting is mutual - mostly verbal banter, some playful touching (nothing crazy - just shoulders, elbowing etc). But it's different than friendships where I joke around with other male friends, but there is none of that. They could be - and it could be the the post -engagement break up thing, but it's been like 6 months almost! I think at some point, I deserve to be allowed to move on lol.

You have a choice in moving on - that's completely up to you.

Maybe these friendships transpired to quickly following your break up - in which case they have both been a leaning post for you.
It doesn't sound like either is particularly romantically interested and it doesn't sound like you are terribly interested in either of them in that way either.

Your barriers and boundaries being up and consistently up will likely have pushed both out of the romantic interest zone over all this time.

Maybe you would be best to decrease the time you spend with these guys giving yourself space to meet someone new.

snowboy91 7th November 2017 8:27 PM

From a definition perspective I can't see where the "benefit" lies in a non-physical FWB - it just sounds like a close friendship. Close friendships don't have to depend on race, geographical location, wealth etc so why should they depend on sex or gender?

As long as any flirty banter is taken within context it's all good. Unfortunately not many people do, and that's when one or both get upset. If the context is not clear then perhaps it needs to be set (a couple of my now close female friends set the boundary very early... worked out great!)

MJJean 7th November 2017 9:16 PM

I'm pretty sure the sex is required for FWB. Otherwise, you're just friends.

NuevoYorko 7th November 2017 11:11 PM

That's friendship, combined with crushes.

fieldoflavender 7th November 2017 11:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowboy91 (Post 7461311)
From a definition perspective I can't see where the "benefit" lies in a non-physical FWB - it just sounds like a close friendship. Close friendships don't have to depend on race, geographical location, wealth etc so why should they depend on sex or gender?

As long as any flirty banter is taken within context it's all good. Unfortunately not many people do, and that's when one or both get upset. If the context is not clear then perhaps it needs to be set (a couple of my now close female friends set the boundary very early... worked out great!)

Well for me, the benefit is I'm not a casual person with physical stuff. I only like to do that stuff if I"m exclusive with someone. I've made exceptions when the chemistry is out of the roof but that was only making out. Everyone has different comfort levels. But I miss the companionship of a relationship I guess.

Am I using them? I would say mutually we all are? Or we could all call it a big friendship.

I am actively looking for other people, but there just aren't other people right now. I guess I should stop trying to get what I am missing in these "Friendships".

MJJean 8th November 2017 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fieldoflavender (Post 7461411)
Well for me, the benefit is I'm not a casual person with physical stuff.

FWB's are defined by having casual sex with each other.

Friends with Benefits: Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment. (Urban Dictionary)

Friend with Benefits: noun. A friend with whom one has occasional sexual relations, without a commitment or dating arrangement. (Dictionary.com)

Since you've stated that you do not have casual sex, you don't have FWB's. You just have friends. Why should the meaning of the phrase matter? Because you seem to be on the lookout for a romantic relationship partner. If/when you find one, he will ask about your status. If you say you are single, but have a couple FWB's, he's going to think you're having casual sex with them because that's what FWB's do. Referring to these buddies of yours as FWB could cause a lot of confusion later.

No_Go 8th November 2017 10:43 AM

I've been in multiple friendships of this kind. For some of them I have romantic feelings, for some - I did not. I have 4 people in my life at the moment that fit your definition. I am almost certain that it won't progress to physical with any of them and I'm very happy with it.

IMO that's the type of relationships that I have grown most from. Because there is the 'drive' from romantic relationship kind, but none of the complications.

Quote:

Originally Posted by fieldoflavender (Post 7458476)
I don't know what to call these, but it goes a bit beyond friends. Basically you act like you're in a relationship - hang out with each other, do dinners on a weekly or once q 2 weeks if you're long distance, share personal thoughts, and they're kind of your go to person. But you're not dating and you're not doing anything physical - sure, occasional flirting here and there, but the amount of time you spend with them exceeds what would normally be expected for a guy and girl "Friends".

Maybe some people believe in platonic female-male relationships - I am always a bit wary. Unless you've both had the open discussion or dated in the past and it was clearly not going to work, I feel like if there's still that "Maybe" in there, it's not purely platonic.

I have two of these right now - one that I have actual real feelings for but he's always been hot and cold, so I am just proactively looking elsewhere. I am contemplating just discussing it out because things are starting to get awkward between us - but I am not so quite ready to make the plunge either.

Then another one I've known for 10 years who I Would say is my guy "best friend" but I haven't ruled him out completely as a dating partner. Just not right for me right now. Not even necessarily a matter of he's not "good enough" but the compatibles are not there right now - and we have grown and matured over the years and watched each other do so and he knows more about all my relationships than anyone else. And I've never been so honest with anyone else. But I don't know where this will lead either. But we hang out practically every single weekend despite the fact that he's in a city 2 hours away. I think that's a bit "excessive" and we never did that until I had my recent breakup and became single.

Is it just me or is anyone else in these?

I was in one a few years ago, but I had zero feelings whereas the guy really liked me. I was dumb back then and I thought we could be platonic friends and I made it clear that I did not feel that way for him. He didn't give up pursuing and finally we couldn't be close friends anymore. We are still friends, but we never hung out like we used to.


Steve51 8th November 2017 12:12 PM

Yes. She turned out to be a lesbian. No kidding.

central 8th November 2017 12:25 PM

I have an affectionately platonic relationship with a female friend. She'll come over and hang out with my wife and me, or I/we will go see her. That usually involves dinner and watching shows/movies, while drinking wine and cuddling on the sofa. We share most things about our feelings and experiences, beyond what I would with most friends. I could see upgrading to a sexual relationship, but I'm not her physical type, so I expect it will stay as is - affectionate friends - and I'm okay with that.

HiCrunchy 8th November 2017 12:54 PM

I know exactly what your talking about
 
Yes, its like your friends but still sort of attracted to them in some way (it normally grows from not being physically attracted to them to being physically attracted to them.
I think that these are the kinds of friendships that have an intimacy that is super close to being "more than friends" if one of the parties made a move and the other accepted it (accepting the change in the dynamic). People start to think that you are in a relationship with that person even though you haven't been physical in anyway. Because people around you can sense the dynamic of being more than friends in an emotional sense.


I do not think there is a word for that, but I have been involved in one of those twice in my life. They turn out to be really good male friends but I think to an extent they end up falling for me.

newmoon 10th November 2017 2:08 PM

i get this. i have been in one. it goes a bit beyond being a close friendship because there is a true intimacy there and probably some physical attraction from both people but for some reason it doesn't get farther, or one person might reject it and keep it platonic. at one point i thought my FWB, without the sex, would escalate, but by being so very close i could see the person would never make a great partner. we ended our relationship earlier this year and it was very similar to a break-up. but, ultimately, the male wanted more and i just didn't feel the same so we decided (after 2 years) to just part ways. it's weird though b/c there is someone out there with all my secrets:eek: the movie The Mirror Has Two Faces (an older rom-com) tackles this subject very well. i won't spoil it, but the lead characters decide to stay in a platonic marriage from the beginning.


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