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How to be friends only with men?


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

Old 31st October 2017, 9:59 AM   #1
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How to be friends only with men?

Hello everyone

So I'm a girl who does not have a lot of male friends. Somehow, in the past they all expressed interest in me on a romantic level at some point of our friendship (e.g. suddenly getting flirty when I'm single again).
This is kind of disappointing to me, as I actually like conversations with guys a lot. I feel like they’re less gossipy and enjoy talking about intellectual topics more. So overall I would love to have more male friends in my life! However I'm scared being too friendly towards them will make them think I am interested in more than just friendship.

So overall I’m asking if this is normal? Have others experienced the same thing? Or is it just me sending out wrong signals?

I also have another question related to this. If you go for a coffee with a platonic male friend of several years and he pays for your drink, is that a sign he is interested in you as more than a friend? I mean I don’t expect a friend to pay for my drinks.
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Old 31st October 2017, 10:15 AM   #2
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This is not abnormal. I don't really have any advice on how to have more male friends except to maybe start hanging out with gay men?

About the coffee....impossible to say, but it's not a definite indicator of interest. When I'm cut with friends sometimes I offer to pay, sometimes they do....could just mean he's being nice, or could be more. Not enough info. to say, but buying coffee alone is not an indicator of interest.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 31st October 2017 at 10:56 AM.. Reason: Full quote of starting post redacted
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Old 31st October 2017, 2:25 PM   #3
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The phenomenon you are experiencing is why some people say men & women can't be friends.


When you have opposite sex friends maintaining firm boundaries is critically important. If you flirt even a little it sends wrong signals. Since most people go Dutch in the beginning when they are just friends, it's best not to let the other person pay.
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Old 31st October 2017, 2:37 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
This is not abnormal. I don't really have any advice on how to have more male friends except to maybe start hanging out with gay men?
I've seen that gay men friendship with women is just like a friendship between two females. At least all the gay dudes I've met are very feminine confronting a friendship, and they really WANT to behave like what they think is a woman. I believe the OP means straight males, but is insecure about not giving the wrong signal.

IMO, you have to go through the confusing phase of establishing a definitive friendship. It's just something you have to go through, and the sooner you guys set things straight, the better.

Straight female-male friendships (not FWB) are very good. Friendship between men are a little erratic, but when you build an uninsterested friendship with a member of the opposite sex, it is usually excellent.

In fact, I do believe that when you get to have a lot of 'true' friends that are members of the opposite sex, you kind of think that the equalizing chit chat I hear so much about lately (hardcore feminism, for once) it's bull. Men and women are fundamentally different, even in a mental way of viewing things. They really complement each other.

I went off the rail here. Hope you find a good male friend sometime. Just be patient, and don't be afraid of 'giving wrong signals'. Somewhere along the way will come a dude who will be looking for the same as you.
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Old 1st November 2017, 5:21 PM   #5
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Completely normal. It's why I've learned to be better with female friends - M/F friendships always get complicated.
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:45 PM   #6
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my ex was excellent at having male friends w/out complications. She was a contractor and RE agent. Her interests lie more in the more stereotypical male conversational topics. Making money...building businesses...etc....stereotypical female topics bored her.

Her deal was (as I saw it in action many times)....her whole countenance would change. She became somewhat "hard" and very business like. She flashed a brilliant smile....superficial as it was in those settings....which helped her to come across as *somewhat* warm...but it was very "staged" (for lack of a better word). She got along with business men very well. Very much interested in their "lingo" and topics of convo.

As has been mentioned....she had extremely strong boundaries....even to the point of intimidation (I think).

In this context.....her friends were not friends as you may be thinking of....such as going to movies together or more social contexts. If you got her to a movie....it was full on date mode.
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:56 PM   #7
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It should probably be pointed out that men also need this in order to "be close" with a woman. My dad had very strong boundaries as well. The "business man's laugh" is a different laugh than the one at home with the family.

It's already been said better than I. Strong boundaries are necessary. If they are strong enough....people know....
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Old 1st November 2017, 10:14 PM   #8
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I think most normal men have at some point wanted to have sex or would still have sex with their female friend. Just being honest.

In order to successfully have a male friend I think you have to maintain strong boundaries as d0nnivain said or find a guy with whom sex is not likely. Gay. Asexual. Castrated. Something.

But, with most normal guys, even if you both try to be respectful and platonic, there’s always a chance of something being misinterpreted and things crossing the line. Complicating the relationship.
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:22 PM   #9
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The problem you face is that of genetics. Men are designed to view females as potential mates. We look for what would provide the best chance of passing along our genes. Not really needed in modern times but things that do not hinder us tend to stick in our genetic makeup for a very long time; hence the hair left on our head, armpits, legs, pubic areas, etc.. No longer serves a useful purpose for most of us, and yet not harmful, so it is disappearing very slowly over thousands of years.

I have had a fiancé cheat with a good friend and an ex-girlfriend have an affair with a best friend. It starts with friendship, than a friend who takes your side in arguments with anyone, then a shoulder to cry on and sooner or later sex. I have seen this happen many times even when you do not want it to happen. When emotions come into play, we tend to make made decisions. As I told a woman not too long ago, I will have a female friend when looking at her naked does not stir me in any way and she is OK taking a shower with the men at the gym.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 1:41 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by sina28 View Post
Hello everyone

So I'm a girl who does not have a lot of male friends. Somehow, in the past they all expressed interest in me on a romantic level at some point of our friendship (e.g. suddenly getting flirty when I'm single again).
This is kind of disappointing to me, as I actually like conversations with guys a lot. I feel like they’re less gossipy and enjoy talking about intellectual topics more. So overall I would love to have more male friends in my life! However I'm scared being too friendly towards them will make them think I am interested in more than just friendship.

So overall I’m asking if this is normal? Have others experienced the same thing? Or is it just me sending out wrong signals?

I also have another question related to this. If you go for a coffee with a platonic male friend of several years and he pays for your drink, is that a sign he is interested in you as more than a friend? I mean I don’t expect a friend to pay for my drinks.
Simple....if u want to be friend with guys never go out with one at night alone....make it a group thing...lunch dates are fine just make sure YOU pay for YOUR meal and preferably if both of you have transportation you travel SEPARATELY.

YES,if u have been going on coffee dates for years with a guy who has been paying for your drink he is expecting to or feels he should be banging you. STOP THAT
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Old 6th November 2017, 3:48 AM   #11
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As a male who has a lot of female friends, I totally get it!

Don't be afraid to set firm boundaries early in the friendship - one of my friends effectively friendzoned me within 2 days of meeting her. Fortunately I wasn't interested anyway - and we are still great friends 7 years later. It may push some guys away but the ones who are genuinely interested in a friendship (and nothing more) will stick.

If a guy is paying for your drink... I can't see how that would work for "just friends" unless he knows you're struggling in some way. Or some agreement where you pay next time.
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Old 15th November 2017, 9:05 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Completely normal. It's why I've learned to be better with female friends - M/F friendships always get complicated.
I agree and even if you find that wonderful purely platonic male friend, who you can have great conversation with and who will always have your back, your bf/husband/partner will not like it one little bit and sooner of later he will make you choose, either by directly saying so or by making it so difficult, you will end up ditching your friend...or ditching our bf/husband/partner.

Complications.
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Old 15th November 2017, 3:24 PM   #13
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Your best bet is gay men.
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