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caught the feels again in a friendzoned relationship


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 31st October 2017, 5:40 AM   #1
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caught the feels again in a friendzoned relationship

Okay guys, so I just need a bit of advice on a sticky situation with a close friend of mine. Long story short, I'm a dude, I met this girl through a friend of mine at college that was dating her and ended up becoming close friends with her (we go to the same school). We've been close friends for two years now, and have a shared love of the outdoors. Both of us are super compassionate and love to help others, love to hike, share many, many other interests and have such good chemistry that I've been asked by a number of people if/when we are gonna date over the years.

After she broke up with her bf a little over a year ago, I caught the feels for her bad about a month later (no me and her ex don't hang out anymore) and after few weeks, managed to talk myself into asking her out. I was "friend-zoned" and left it at that, but we cut off contact for a bit in order to kind of let the dust settle afterwards. After about 4 months of minimal contact (maybe 2 or 3 texts), we ended up back at school again and started hanging out religiously, like 3-4 hours a day. About 3 weeks of this and I caught the feels again and have now for the past 2 months slowly distanced myself a bit and kept those feelings hidden. I lost my phone about two weeks ago and used that as a way to not see her for a while, yet after hanging out with her today for the first time in two weeks, the feelings are stronger than ever.

My dilemma is, this girl isn't someone I can easily avoid (same friend group and both of us are at the same college for engineering) and distance hasn't worked even after a few attempts anyways. I'm scared to lose her, yet I don't think she will change her mind about me anytime soon if it ever happens at all (unlikely, I know). So I'm kinda just stuck in having to see her nearly every day at school unless I actively avoid her (we're close enough friends that we know each others schedules) and that's becoming too painful for me to continue to do and is causing problems in school as I can't pay attention in class.

I don't really see a way out of this, so any advice good or bad gives me something to work with and is much appreciated.
Thanks!
-tick
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Old 31st October 2017, 6:25 AM   #2
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YOU have to disengage from her and start hanging about with others.
She is a dead end and whilst you spend hours in her company, you are potentially missing out on meeting someone else more suitable.
AND you are more importantly, missing out on your education too.
No-one will really care if you fail your exams, only you and your family will, so time to get your priorities in order.
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Old 31st October 2017, 10:55 AM   #3
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I hear you

I hear you man. That's a tough one. If you like her and she doesn't like you in the same way, even though she chooses to spend hours and hours with you. That's a mixed message from her. It also places you in the more vulnerable position. There's a saying in relationships that "Whoever wants it least, controls it." She controls your relationship now because you want it more and she wants it less.

If I were in your shoes, I would look to guard myself against her. She knows how you feel and the onus is on her to change her mind/heart and let you know that she sees you as more than friends at any point. Until then, try to make peace that she's not the one for you (at least for the foreseeable future).

As you disengaged, you could even let her know your intentions. Something like, "You know I like you and it's too hard for me to keep in touch with you so I need to put in six months of space so I can move on." She might push back at that point and not want to let go of the friendship but, unless she's ready to date, I'd stand my ground on that--firmly.

If you really super duper like her, then you could ask again. I tried this with one girl I really liked--I asked her out twice and after the second "no" I was 100% done with her. I was at total peace after my second rejection. Not to say you'll be, but two rejections were enough for me and enough to move my heart on. I hope this helps!
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