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She's keeping me at arms length after a great night


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

Old 22nd October 2017, 8:50 PM   #1
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She's keeping me at arms length after a great night

Background:
I met this woman (30 yr old) at a meetup group where a small group of my friends frequents. She exchanged numbers with us all and we all started hanging out in our small group of friends at least once every week. She showed up and was very friendly for the past 5 weeks with at least myself and another person when we group chatted that we were going to hang out. A few times in the last month I texted her directly to ask if she wanted to hang out just the two of us but she didn't really seem too interested. This last weekend it was myself and her that were the only ones available to hang out so I asked her if she would like to go play mini golf, just us. She said she would be down for that so I made plans to pick her up.

The "Date":
When I showed up to pick her up she invited me up for a few beers and some chit chat before heading to the mini golf place. We genuinely had fun playing and it seemed like she was getting more and more comfortable with me, opening up and asking questions and being more competitive as we played mini golf. She had another beer and started saying she was pretty buzzed. I figured she was finally letting loose and being comfortable when she kept bumping to me and touching my arm.

We went for tacos after that then talked a bit before going back to her place for another beer. She wanted to change so we could walk down the street where all the bars are. We ended up at a club where we danced and drank a bit then moved down the street to another bar. At this point we started holding hands more and became more touchy feely. After walking around for another hour and a half she mentions we can go back to her place to watch movies.

Once at her place she is under some covers and watching a movie with me on the couch and kind of cuddles into me. I keep holding her hand or her leg as she does so. After a few hours shes falling asleep so I tell her to go to bed and I'll head out. We get to her front door and hug for a very long time. The hug turns into petting, then kissing, then she leads me into her bedroom where it turns into sex. She seemed pretty aggressive about having sex and it turned out to be amazing.

The following morning there is no cuddling in bed, she just gets dressed and invites me to stay for coffee and we talk about work and traveling and life in general. She invites me for a run around a nearby lake and since I happen to have my gym bag in my car I join her. After the run we run to another place to get tacos again (also her idea) I start noticing that this whole morning she is not touchy feeling or holding hands with me and seems to have gone back to the more reserved (we just met) personality I am used to. When I drop her off back at her house I lean in to kiss her but she turns her head. She gives me a friendly goodbye and leaves. I don't make a big deal about it to her but inside I am ultimately confused. That was in the morning. It's late evening now and I haven't heard from her since but she doesn't exactly text much anyway.

Long story short, we shared a really great night and she seemed to have a great time but is pretty distant the next day. I have no reason to believe she had a bad time or got mad at me. Not sure what my next move should be, if anything.

Opinions?

Last edited by Jchav123; 22nd October 2017 at 8:53 PM..
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Old 29th October 2017, 7:18 PM   #2
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She's regretting the sex. She may or may not like you, but she wishes it hadn't gone as faR as it did
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Old 29th October 2017, 10:04 PM   #3
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I agree. She hadn't really given you any indication of interest before asking you up, cuddling, and having sex with you. This all happened under the influence of alcohol. I'm sorry, but she is probably regretting the sex and/or she doesn't want to have an ongoing relationship.

Play it cool and see what she does. Don't make any assumptions...

Last edited by BaileyB; 29th October 2017 at 10:48 PM..
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Old 29th October 2017, 11:59 PM   #4
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I agree wit the others, but I think the morning run and tacos throws a wrench in this idea! Why wouldn't she just give you a kiss goodbye after this? Very weird. Maybe she had not brushed her teeth lol? Or was afraid you'd want sex again and she wasn't up for it?
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:55 AM   #5
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I want to agree with you all about the regret, especially now but I do have an update.

Wednesday:
I had sent her a text the evening following the morning run and tacos to the effect of "Had a great time lets do dinner this week on Wed at such and such place (One I had previously mentioned to her while doing brunch) and have a few drinks.". It was a Sunday. It took her 2 days to reply to me citing she was "busy" but none the less said she would be interested in going after work.

She came by my place and had a beer before we went out to the restaurant. I could tell she liked the place very much, and had very open and friendly conversation with me. She even flirted with me a bit in another language (She speaks multiple). I flirted back in another language as well to follow suit. We both had a few cocktails and just ate tapas. She often commented how much she loves the atmosphere and how much fun she was having. There was salsa dancing happening next door to the restaurant so we went and danced for a bit which seemed to make her even happier. After, we had sat down to rest for a few minutes. I stood up and offered my hand to her. She took it and we walked down the block to a bridge that offers a great view of the city. We held hands the whole time we walked (Maybe about 30 minutes). She didn't seem shy about it at all.

We got back in my car and headed back to my place and she mentioned how she liked being single and asked if I liked the same. Of course I remained non committal on the single part and more or less mentioned I am interesting in finding someone I like to be around and spend my time with. Maybe it was a test? I suppose she liked my answer because she took my hand into hers for the rest of the ride home.

At my place we chatted a bit. She checked out some of the books I had on the shelf and pulled one in particular about programming. She said she was learning about programming for work so I told her she can take the book with her as I don't use it. She then noticed that I have a pet python and asked me to let it out so she can watch it crawl around on the floor. She wouldn't go near it but seemed to be fascinated and took pictures none the less. She then laid on the couch for a bit and commented on how she liked the way I look and kept tugging at my shirt. I took the hint and leaned in to kiss her. It was getting late so she said she had to get home so I walked her to her car and kissed her again, this time she seemed to initiate. She mentioned she had left a sweater in my car but since I was parked so far away she would just get it next time.

Saturday:
We had already planned to meet up with our group a few days later for a Halloween bash block party. She had a friend come in from out of town so she did show up with her friend, but showed up late and didnt stay long. Since it was so crowded where we were and so much was going on I didn't really get to see her.

Sunday:
I sent her a text thanking her for showing up and hoping she had fun. She replied she did and was glad she came out. Then about 30 minutes later she texted again she would need her sweater back and asked when she could come by to get it. I took the opportunity to ask her out again for dinner as she was going out of town at the end of the week and mentioned I would like to see her before she left town. She said she would be really busy this week but hopefully we could meet up again with our group of friends next time. I said she could come by tomorrow after work and grab her sweater.

First off it seems like she went back to the "just friends" persona after the 2nd date. Her attitude toward me now seems like it was before we went out the first time again. Not to mention the part of the text where she mentions "group of friends". She didn't say meet up with "me". She said meet up with the "group". Something tells me she lost interest or decided shes not really into dating right now; maybe just trying it on for size? I want to be upset as I really do like her but we really only went on 2 dates and one of them just happened to end up in sex(which seemed like an accident anyway). I know she likes being around me and we have a great time, at least so far, but I am kind of lost at sea on this one.

Last edited by Jchav123; 30th October 2017 at 3:28 PM..
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Old 30th October 2017, 4:49 PM   #6
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I think your intuition is right. She likes you but doesn't want to date you.

It's v possible to be turned on by someone we're not attracted to. I had that experience v recently myself.

If you're wrong, and she IS into you, it'll happen if you see her out with the group.
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Old 30th October 2017, 5:05 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chinadiary View Post
She's regretting the sex. She may or may not like you, but she wishes it hadn't gone as faR as it did
If this was the case, she really would have kept her distance and let it cool off while the dude just died inside. But she is keeping him close.

My guess is that she is going through some issues. Maybe an ex around, maybe she is recovering from a previous relationship. The OP thing may be for her, after the alcohol haze, that it is actually a new problem in a problematic situation.

There is also the issue on how close to her the OP manifest to be. Maybe he is actually a distant, 'to himself' guy and she can't read him well enough to be sure about anything.
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Old 31st October 2017, 9:40 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Toad View Post
My guess is that she is going through some issues. Maybe an ex around, maybe she is recovering from a previous relationship.
You are on to something here because she was in a serious relationship earlier this year. To the point they were weeks from getting married but then he broke it off with her at the last minute. They were living together and everything. She took it hard and even went on a 3 week vacation overseas to try and get over it. That was this past summer, about 4 or so months ago. As far as I know they don't talk but I have no idea for sure. I do know she asked me about my ex and recent break up, and asked to see a picture of her, asked if I was into blondes (ex was blonde). I reassured her I am into women who make me smile and are great to be around. She seemed to like that answer.

It could be as simple as her being gun shy about relationships right now. 4 months is a long time but when dealing with a breakup from someone you are weeks away from marrying that's pretty huge.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Toad View Post
Maybe he is actually a distant, 'to himself' guy and she can't read him well enough to be sure about anything.
I pretty much am a distant guy but I make it a point to keep in touch with her every few days. I haven't come right out and said "I like you" I was hoping me asking her out several times and being very gentlemanly on our dates would be enough. I've come off as too desperate being so available in the past and it has burned me so I am trying not to do that this time.
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:43 PM   #9
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HotJava

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Old 15th November 2017, 7:35 AM   #10
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She wasn't impressed by the sex. When a woman gets it the way she likes, its difficult not to go back for more and make it clear she wants more.
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