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Friend, or will it become more?


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 2nd October 2017, 1:19 PM   #1
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Friend, or will it become more?

Sooo.. Need some advice on a situation.

I met this woman who works for an aquisition my company made. She works in a different office, but we met through some work friends.

We hit it off almost immediately, and would regularly go out for drinks/dinner in a group setting. She mentioned that she had just started dating someone maybe the second time we met, so I left it at that, and figured we would just be friends.

But we have pretty great chemistry. And she would often flirt with me (to the point a mutual friend was making fun of the situation).

A few weeks later, we were out in a group setting again, and she pulled me to the side and kind of surprised me by straight up addressing the attraction, and that she had feelings for me, but because she was dating someone, we would just have to be friends "for now".

I agreed. We get on really well, and hey, a friend is a friend right?

So, we would occasionally grab lunch together, just one on one, and the chemistry was palpable. We have great conversations, dont stop laughing. Eye contact. We just click. During these lunches, she would mention how frustrated or annoyed she would get with the guy she was seeing (They have been dating about 3 months.)

Then she invited me to dinner, just one on one. The conversation about our attraction came up again. Another dinner, and she would bring it up again. But it always ended on that she is with someone, and we must keep it platonic. And if we were to have something in the future, she wanted it to be shown that she can be trusted. I can respect that, so we have just been keeping it friendly since then, though there is mutual flirting.

But the amount of times we see each other has been increasing over time. (Several times a week now. Lunches, dinners, drinks), and she also texts me a lot now during the week in the evenings etc.

She told me last week that she told her guy that it was not going anywhere, and they did not have a future, and she wanted him to know that. I guess he agreed to what she said, but would like to keep seeing her until she wanted to start dating others. (I guess he is a beta? )

I appreciate her moral value in keeping things on the level in regards to us staying platonic, but I am not sure where to go from here.

Thoughts?

P.S: I am 3 months out from a pretty ****ty breakup that I am still dealing with emotionally, but I feel great when I am around this girl. I definitely do not want it to be a rebound though.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 6:01 PM   #2
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Just talk to her about it. Ask if now is a good time to start dating. She wasn't with that guy long enough to need to wait for it all to cool down. I think you ought to ask her out for a romantic dinner and make it obvious you are wading in romantically. Good luck.
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preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd October 2017, 6:02 PM   #3
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I can see how this is pretty confusing

I'm sure talking to her boosts your confidence and it helps ease the pain of the breakup.

The thing is though, with women, you must pay attention to her actions. She says it isn't serious with the other guy, that they dont have a future but at the end of the day she's with him and not with you.

In a weird and cruel way, shes using you. Maybe she isn't intending on doing so but she's got you as plan b. You know, since shes having doubts in her relationship.

You'd be the rebound in this case, and I dont know if that's something you'd like to be.

Listen, keep talking to her as long as you want to. Personally I'd break things off with her, let her know to contact me if it doesn't work out, and move on to someone who actually wants to date me.

But i know you'll end up doing whatever your heart desires, and that's not bad either. Just remember to always learn from your mistakes.

Wishing you the best.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 6:20 PM   #4
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Kind of agreeing with griffin here.

My initial thought was "this dude is handling is business the right way. No games, no "childish-ness," just straight-forwards."

BUUUTTTTTTT the point is, it seems like she's doing 1 of 3 things (or some combo of these):
1) Using you to vent about her boyfriend
2) Using you for attention/assumes you like her based on jokes from others
3) She's genuinely into dating you, but wants to "ease off" her boyfriend

Here's what I'd do:

Next time you have a dinner date, straight up ask her, "I want to take you out. On a romantic date. Next week."

She either says, "YES!"
Or she tells you something along the lines of, "I'm seeing someone, it's not done yet, can you be patient, blah blah blah."

If the latter is the case, keep smiling, finish the date, then distance yourself. She asks for another "dinner date" and she's still with that guy? Tell her you have something else to do.

You are not at her disposal. Let her know that you aren't waiting for her like a lonely puppy.
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