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When do you feel it's worth it to risk a friendship?


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

Old 14th September 2017, 2:01 AM   #1
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When do you feel it's worth it to risk a friendship?

I have this close guy friend for the past 5 years. We met at work when we were both in a different city. I've always been attracted to him, but I think when we first met, we wanted different things. He seemed to want to play the field, and I wanted something long term. I also had like very minimal dating experience. We always had great chemistry, would flirt, but never did anything physical. I would go to him for all my relationship problems and he had a bit too much curiosity about what was going on with me.

Just when I was developing really strong feelings for him, and I think I always knew that I liked him more than a friend, he moved to another city very very far away. Then it seemed impossible, and he was busy and we were apart for 2 years. And I kind of gave up on it, although I always liked him and I always felt there was that connection but he would be noncommittal with his texts etc.

Finally he moved back 1 year ago to our current city. But before he moved back, he was busy with his career and I wanted to wait for him, but obviously there was never any guarantee anything romantic would ever happen. Then unfortunately during that time, I met my ex and due to many unfortunate circumstances, ended up in a (bad) relationship with my ex. Then he moved to my city and I remember when we had dinner, I was still more attracted to him and liked him more - but I kinda just took it as "we can't have it all" and figured that my ex would be a better long term partner and gave him up for that reason. Big mistake - that relationship withered and died. When my ex was not there for me - during a time when my family member was sick, when I had major stresses, he was there for me.

We never over stepped boundaries when I was dating my ex - in fact I met him like twice and we didn't text very much. But deep down, I knew I always liked him more.

Anyways I had my terrible break up 3 months ago. He was there for me again helped me move out of my place with my ex. We've been hanging out once every 1-2 weeks now, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends. He walks me home and lingers outside and we chat and sometimes flirt, but nothing physical. The chemistry is great, but I don't know how he feels about it all.

I mean he could be feeling completely platonic. I'm okay if he does - I don't want to lose him as a friend. I know there are some things going against us
-my recent breakup - obviously no one wants to be a rebound
- his parents are religious and I know they would be against me, I don't think it's an absolute deal breaker, but it would require sacrifice on his part - and I have to be worth it
- we want to live in different parts of the city
-he's making major career changes right now, so am I

But you know what? The other part of me - I'm not getting any younger, it's been 5 years, and not just because of the break-up, but I know I really like him and want to be with him. Obviously if he truly only thinks of me as non-romantically, that's fine, I would still like to be friends. But if there is something more, I think sometimes love is worth taking a shot?

I just don't want to completely ruin our friendship and have him avoid me. I mean sure it may be awkward, but I think we can get over that.

There is always the saying - "he's just not that into you" - and perhaps, he would have pursued me harder. But you know what - my ex chased me HARD and then in the end, hurt me more than anyone I've ever known. I feel like there is no playbook for how relationships always carry out. Whereas this friend has never been in the role of a boyfriend, but really been there for me when it mattered. And I know I can count on him.

And it should mean something when I broke up - he was one of the first people I called because I knew he wouldn't judge me, and he would help me if he could.

Thanks for input on my confusing life.
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Old 17th September 2017, 12:01 PM   #2
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hi there F.O.F.

you sound like a person with their head firmly on their shoulders and feet on the ground, so go for it.

maybe if you ask this guy out for a fun time, dancing or memorable day, something you think you will both enjoy and see where it goes.

if you don't feel confident bringing up the subject when youre out, then tell him you had a fun time and ask if he'd like to do it again sometime. you may get to know from his reaction (and the day or night itself) if you are getting close in that way.

obviously its a good idea to find out if he is with someone if you don't know for sure.

it sounds as though you might have a happy time if nothing else comes from it. so go for it.

I wish you so much luck with this . let us know if you do go out and how the day/evening went.

ask him, don't let a good guy slip away. best wishes, maxi. ps, don't worry about the parent for now, if you get him, you can talk it through with him and work it out then. see ya.
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Old 17th September 2017, 12:03 PM   #3
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pps, sorry its F.O.L not f.o.f.(got the initials part of your post name wrong, and feeling too lazy to type it all out!) sorry. hahaha
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Old 18th September 2017, 10:48 PM   #4
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Thanks for writing all that! So the update is - he's being non committal again, and I think I'm going to leave it. I think he should have to work for it too. I like him - but it's meaningless if he doesn't like me enough to make ANY sacrifices. So meh - maybe that's his subconscious way of telling me he doesn't think I'm worth it.

And true to my word, I don't blame him. He has still been a great friend when I really needed it. And I won't ever forget it. And if he does find the right person for him then I wish him well. And until then, I will wait for the right person for me.
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