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We agreed on FWB but now he's ignoring me and unmatched me on tinder?


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moonchild94

So I'm on tinder for it's purpose. I'm looking for someone that I can get to know and have sex with (fwb). Not just a one night stand. So I met a guy in there and I told him that's what I want. He says he wants the same with no levels and a friend.

He wanted to meet and not hook up because he said I seemed like a cool person. Guess he wanted to test the waters and see how I looked first and if there was attraction.

 

We went to get tea. He payed for it and we talked. He then drove me around and we listened to music. I showed him some music and he LOVED it. He asked me to text the names of it to him later. We were just getting along and talking. Then we went to a secluded spot to look over the city and we cuddled for a bit. Then he all of a sudden kissed me and it went on from there. By the way he was touching he seemed to really like my body. He finished off by pleasuring me and doing a handjob. We didn't do any penetration because no condoms so we played with each other. After that he just chilled and was dozing off a little. I told him I need to go. At the end I told him to let me know if he made it home safe because he was dozing off earlier and it's just a common courtesy to do. He didn't-- of course. But I made it home and I texted him that I made it and I gave him the songs we listened to because he told me text them to him and to have a nice holiday and thanks for the hangout. And I inserted a little joke saying he sucks for not letting me know he made it home alive. Just being friendly since we are doing the whole friends with benefit thing. He texted me a few minutes later saying yay and sorry he dozed off. Then I realized I took his charger. So I said, "and you're up now? So what do I do with the charger?" But he hasn't replied since then. We didn't even set up a next time to meet for sex. I thought he was attractive and I had a good arrangement set up and I thought we got along very well. It wasn't awkward. I thought he found me attractive to considering he got off by just touching me? I checked tinder and he unmatched me and then I checked today and he's still on my friend list for snapchat and viewed my snaps today. Considering I took his charger I would think he would want it back? Or was he so repulsed that he wouldn't want to meet again? We didn't even have sex and you would think he would be excited to see how good it would really be next time since he enjoyed himself the first time. So I'm not sure what I did wrong here?

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If all you wanted is sex with no obligations or commitment, then why are you even giving him a second thought? FWB means you don't give a crap what each other does or if they like you or why they haven't communicated, because it's not a relationship. It's just stone cold sex and no strings.

 

If I had a crystal ball, I'd say he's taken and was just looking for a one-time hookup and not someone who could interfere with his other relationship. OR he only likes to have sex one time per person. Or, like me, he sensed you were trying to hard to make him like you and knows you really want more than an emotionless no-attachment sex agreement, and he wasn't going there.

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moonchild94
If all you wanted is sex with no obligations or commitment, then why are you even giving him a second thought? FWB means you don't give a crap what each other does or if they like you or why they haven't communicated, because it's not a relationship. It's just stone cold sex and no strings.

 

If I had a crystal ball, I'd say he's taken and was just looking for a one-time hookup and not someone who could interfere with his other relationship. OR he only likes to have sex one time per person. Or, like me, he sensed you were trying to hard to make him like you and knows you really want more than an emotionless no-attachment sex agreement, and he wasn't going there.

 

All I said was did he want his charger back and being friendly? He paid for my drinks. I thought FWB don't buy each others stuff? We didn't even have sex. He just fingered me? So I'm confused as to how this was fwb in the first place. He specifically said he wanted a friend as well. I said I wanted a friend too. So I did the friendly thing and just made sure he got home safe and wanted his charger back? I mean isn't that decent human courtesy? This was my first casual fwb thing. We got along great and I thought he was cool but I guess it's just not for me. I'm glad we didn't have actual sex but I just thought it was weird that he wouldn't even want to set up another time to actually have sex when he was enjoying himself by just touching me?

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moonchild94
If all you wanted is sex with no obligations or commitment, then why are you even giving him a second thought? FWB means you don't give a crap what each other does or if they like you or why they haven't communicated, because it's not a relationship. It's just stone cold sex and no strings.

 

If I had a crystal ball, I'd say he's taken and was just looking for a one-time hookup and not someone who could interfere with his other relationship. OR he only likes to have sex one time per person. Or, like me, he sensed you were trying to hard to make him like you and knows you really want more than an emotionless no-attachment sex agreement, and he wasn't going there.

 

But like you said I guess there's no point in giving him a second thought then. Btw, why would fwb need to be on each other's social media if they're not friends then? It just aggravates me. I'll just delete him since I won't be hearing from him anymore anyways. He seemed to have departed already. I must have read the vibe wrong

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It's Tinder. The guy probably just has other options.

 

Btw, "friends with benefits" ranges from meeting someone once every few weeks with sparse contact inbetween (something I'm doing at the moment), to nearly boyfriend/girlfriend levels of closeness - perhaps even more so, because I've found people are more honest and open, even through their other relationships (had that in the past).

 

Wanting the arrangement to be a bit better is completely reasonable.

 

I always find it weird when people drop all their standards because it's "just FWB". Can't imagine what their exclusive relationships look like then.

 

You either have good standards, or you don't. It's all transferable.

Edited by Bastile
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I can't believe you don't count that as sex. I think you have "sex" and "intercourse" mixed up. You had sex. You didn't have intercourse.

 

If you really only wanted fwb, you wouldn't care about any of this is all I'm saying. Guys to just have sex with are a dime a dozen.

 

You were demanding contact "let me know you got home" and being protective like you would in a relationship. Be careful what you wish for and be honest about if you just want sex or if you really just want a relationship to develop.

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moonchild94
I can't believe you don't count that as sex. I think you have "sex" and "intercourse" mixed up. You had sex. You didn't have intercourse.

 

If you really only wanted fwb, you wouldn't care about any of this is all I'm saying. Guys to just have sex with are a dime a dozen.

 

You were demanding contact "let me know you got home" and being protective like you would in a relationship. Be careful what you wish for and be honest about if you just want sex or if you really just want a relationship to develop.

 

Seriously? That's counted as sex? It's a finger....

Idk I dont count that as sex. Well I wasn't demanding it. I do that with my friends too. I need to make sure that anyone I'm with gets home safe? It's not just because of him.. I do that with EVERYONE. I think anyone with manners knows that. He could've at least said I'm not interested in fwb with you. It's that simple. Instead of ignoring. I also reread our messages. I told him I wanted to get to know someone and not do one time hook ups. If there was attraction then sex would be okay. He told me yeah he agrees. Either way the guy was lame.

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Seriously? That's counted as sex? It's a finger....

Idk I dont count that as sex. Well I wasn't demanding it. I do that with my friends too. I need to make sure that anyone I'm with gets home safe? It's not just because of him.. I do that with EVERYONE. I think anyone with manners knows that. He could've at least said I'm not interested in fwb with you. It's that simple. Instead of ignoring. I also reread our messages. I told him I wanted to get to know someone and not do one time hook ups. If there was attraction then sex would be okay. He told me yeah he agrees. Either way the guy was lame.

 

It's sexual contact. Trying to say it's not sex is like a married man trying to deny sex with another woman because as was only a BJ.

 

I understand that you like to make sure your friends get home. And your friends know this and it clearly works for all of you. But it's not one of those 'basic manners' things. I wouldn't ask if someone got home safely unless I had good reason to think they may not have been safe. And I wouldn't get into the habit of doing it with someone I'm dating That said, I wouldn't just ignore them either - I'd say upfront that I've been looking after myself for many years and it's really not necessary.

 

Regarding him not calling you for another hookup....how long has it been? I haven't done FWB, but I wouldn't expect more than once a week contact.

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It's late. Bastile is tired and must wake at 12 :(

 

But, a good point was raised. The point of "was it sex?"

 

Sex to a man is PIV. I don't count anything less as "a notch".

 

Meaning that the guy really can't be that interested....

 

Carry on. You will find what you want. It's nuanced, which means a bit more of a search, but you'll be alright.

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angel.eyes

Between the requests to contact you, your unwelcome caring and friendliness, and all your expectations and demands, he realized that you were going to be way too much work for NSA sex. That's what FWB are primarily about---no strings attached sex. You want to be friends. You want to care about the person like you do your friends. Who knows? Next you might expect exclusivity. Basically, you want all the trappings and emotional investment of a relationship without the label. He wants sex without the strings. He bailed. Now you're upset...after one date. One date with a complete stranger. You're overly invested emotionally, so he was right to jump ship.

 

If this were truly casual and just FWB, you would shrug your shoulders and be on to the next the second he unmatched you.

 

You seem very confused. Please take a step back and figure out what you really want before you dive back in.

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moonchild94
It's sexual contact. Trying to say it's not sex is like a married man trying to deny sex with another woman because as was only a BJ.

 

I understand that you like to make sure your friends get home. And your friends know this and it clearly works for all of you. But it's not one of those 'basic manners' things. I wouldn't ask if someone got home safely unless I had good reason to think they may not have been safe. And I wouldn't get into the habit of doing it with someone I'm dating That said, I wouldn't just ignore them either - I'd say upfront that I've been looking after myself for many years and it's really not necessary.

 

Regarding him not calling you for another hookup....how long has it been? I haven't done FWB, but I wouldn't expect more than once a week contact.

 

I only did it because he was dozing off to sleep and he had to drive home. That's the only reason. The only reason I contacted him was because I took his charger on accident as well.

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moonchild94
Between the requests to contact you, your unwelcome caring and friendliness, and all your expectations and demands, he realized that you were going to be way too much work for NSA sex. That's what FWB are primarily about---no strings attached sex. You want to be friends. You want to care about the person like you do your friends. Who knows? Next you might expect exclusivity. Basically, you want all the trappings and emotional investment of a relationship without the label. He wants sex without the strings. He bailed. Now you're upset...after one date. One date with a complete stranger. You're overly invested emotionally, so he was right to jump ship.

 

If this were truly casual and just FWB, you would shrug your shoulders and be on to the next the second he unmatched you.

 

You seem very confused. Please take a step back and figure out what you really want before you dive back in.

 

Okay first of all. This wasn't a date? I thought fwb don't have dates? So how can you put date and fwb in the same sentence and pretend like you know what you're saying.

Second of all the ONLY reason I contacted him was because he asked me to text him the songs we listened to. He was dozing off and I wanted to make sure he didn't fall asleep at the wheel and die while driving. I also look his charger by accident and asked if he wanted it back.

 

Second I asked him before hand and told him what I wanted. I wanted a casual relationship. I SAID that I wanted to get to know someone and if there was attraction then I would like sex but I wouldn't want a title just yet. I said I DID NOT want a one time hook up. He said he wanted the same thing. He gave me his number and we used that as a form of communication and he added me on his snapchat. But I noticed he unmatched me on tinder.

 

So how am I demanding anything out of him? I left him alone. I didnt' double text him or plead for anything to love me.

 

The guy was lame anyways because he had calls coming in left and right on his phone late at night while with me and barley looked at me at times because he was on his phone. Say what you want, I don't expect anything and I'm not crying over it. But when I set up a an arrangement or casual relationship with someone I expect my partner to be reliable and not a flake.

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Outsider's perspective: You seem quite worked up about a guy with whom you have an arrangement that is predicated on cutting out emotions.

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moonchild94
It's sexual contact. Trying to say it's not sex is like a married man trying to deny sex with another woman because as was only a BJ.

 

I understand that you like to make sure your friends get home. And your friends know this and it clearly works for all of you. But it's not one of those 'basic manners' things. I wouldn't ask if someone got home safely unless I had good reason to think they may not have been safe. And I wouldn't get into the habit of doing it with someone I'm dating That said, I wouldn't just ignore them either - I'd say upfront that I've been looking after myself for many years and it's really not necessary.

 

Regarding him not calling you for another hookup....how long has it been? I haven't done FWB, but I wouldn't expect more than once a week contact.

 

Um he hasn't contacted me since today. We departed at like 2am this morning. He looked at my snapchat and then that was it. Its the fact that he is ignoring and not communicating and shows hes an unreliable partner. I asked him what to do with the charger. He didn't answer which to me means he wasn't interested or something.

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angel.eyes
Okay first of all. This wasn't a date? I thought fwb don't have dates? So how can you put date and fwb in the same sentence and pretend like you know what you're saying.

Second of all the ONLY reason I contacted him was because he asked me to text him the songs we listened to. He was dozing off and I wanted to make sure he didn't fall asleep at the wheel and die while driving. I also look his charger by accident and asked if he wanted it back.

 

Second I asked him before hand and told him what I wanted. I wanted a casual relationship. I SAID that I wanted to get to know someone and if there was attraction then I would like sex but I wouldn't want a title just yet. I said I DID NOT want a one time hook up. He said he wanted the same thing. He gave me his number and we used that as a form of communication and he added me on his snapchat. But I noticed he unmatched me on tinder.

 

So how am I demanding anything out of him? I left him alone. I didnt' double text him or plead for anything to love me.

 

The guy was lame anyways because he had calls coming in left and right on his phone late at night while with me and barley looked at me at times because he was on his phone. Say what you want, I don't expect anything and I'm not crying over it. But when I set up a an arrangement or casual relationship with someone I expect my partner to be reliable and not a flake.

 

You don't want a title JUST YET... That's rich. I can only imagine what was going through his mind after you issued that demand!

 

Thanks for the lengthy reiteration of your demands and expectations...I guess. Of course he bailed when faced with this. My guess is he was feigning sleep and trying to figure out how to eject without a scene even as you peppered him with your demands and expectations. Why would he put up with this when he just wants NSA sex and he's flooded with phone calls. Any other option would get him closer to that!

 

If this were truly casual and no strings as you claim, why are you so bent out of shape after a single date with a guy who bought you a cup of tea, feigned sleepiness, avoided even looking at you, and was on his phone? How is it no strings attached given all of your demands, especially with your threat of a title in the future? He sensed stage 5 clinger should he ever have sex with you and darted on to the next as quickly as possible.

 

Again, think about what you truly want.

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There's nothing wrong with wanting a monogamous relationship, but you have to understand that for a lot of people, "casual relationship" peaks at getting together and hooking up. It doesn't progress into a serious, exclusive relationship.

 

If that's what you ultimately want from someone, it's better to be upfront from the beginning. You don't need to demand exclusivity, but you can say you are looking to take things slowly and get to know someone before you both tether yourselves to the other person.

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moonchild94
You don't want a title JUST YET... That's rich. I can only imagine what was going through his mind after you issued that demand!

 

Thanks for the lengthy reiteration of your demands and expectations...I guess. Of course he bailed when faced with this. My guess is he was feigning sleep and trying to figure out how to eject without a scene even as you peppered him with your demands and expectations. Why would he put up with this when he just wants NSA sex and he's flooded with phone calls. Any other option would get him closer to that!

 

If this were truly casual and no strings as you claim, why are you so bent out of shape after a single date with a guy who bought you a cup of tea, feigned sleepiness, avoided even looking at you, and was on his phone? How is it no strings attached given all of your demands, especially with your threat of a title in the future? He sensed stage 5 clinger should he ever have sex with you and darted on to the next as quickly as possible.

 

Again, think about what you truly want.

 

 

SURE. Because that's so why he wanted to stay and I TRIED leaving 3 times out of the whole thing. That he wanted to stay after but I was the first one to dash out. Get out of here with that crap. I'm only worked up because I did not want a one time hookup. I explicitly said that. It's not like I don't have other dudes on my list. It's about what I asked as an arrangement and I wouldn't have driven and gone to see him if he wasn't going to fulfill. You're right I wills emand what I want out of my sex expeirienfe: I don't want the guy as a husband and I sure as hell don't want to cling to him. I already have 8 other dudes lined up. It's like a contract to me. Yeah he was on his phone in the beginning not after. He was surely looking at me during our hook up escapade and after we did our deed too. So bye:

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moonchild94
There's nothing wrong with wanting a monogamous relationship, but you have to understand that for a lot of people, "casual relationship" peaks at getting together and hooking up. It doesn't progress into a serious, exclusive relationship.

 

If that's what you ultimately want from someone, it's better to be upfront from the beginning. You don't need to demand exclusivity, but you can say you are looking to take things slowly and get to know someone before you both tether yourselves to the other person.

 

Hey blanco. Good advice. I'll just have to word it better for the next person. He must have not understood what I wanted! Sounds goodn

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NuevoYorko

He's ignoring you and unmatched you on tinder because he is done with you.

 

Sorry, but you can find a different guy (or more) to have sex with every day of the week if you want to.

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I read some of your other threads, and think the biggest mistake you're making is even dabbling in the world of FWB/casual relationships. That's not what you want, and since you've had poor luck developing a LTR, I don't know if you have the acumen to truly handle a casual relationship without getting too attached.

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stillafool
All I said was did he want his charger back and being friendly? He paid for my drinks. I thought FWB don't buy each others stuff? We didn't even have sex. He just fingered me? So I'm confused as to how this was fwb in the first place. He specifically said he wanted a friend as well. I said I wanted a friend too. So I did the friendly thing and just made sure he got home safe and wanted his charger back? I mean isn't that decent human courtesy? This was my first casual fwb thing. We got along great and I thought he was cool but I guess it's just not for me. I'm glad we didn't have actual sex but I just thought it was weird that he wouldn't even want to set up another time to actually have sex when he was enjoying himself by just touching me?

 

Already you have all of these expectations. That is not what a FWB hook up is all about. Maybe this guy was satisfied with what he got and if by chance he wants it again he will contact you. Otherwise don't even think about it and move on to another FWB. I don't think you are cut out for a FWB relationship because you are treating it as if you are dating.

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I skimmed through this thread, and basically, the gist of it just sounds to me like an old-fashioned basic case of He Just Isn't That Into You (sorry). If he were, then he would want to see you again to continue the relationship, whatever it may be.

 

That said, people do love to overthink things here. I really don't think it was anything you did. The side debates in this thread of whether or not you were right to ask him to let you know he got in, contacting him about his charger, ect, just sound to me like minutia. If he were into you enough this would all be no big deal. (I mean, think about it. We read thread after thread after thread on here where one party breaks the rules of FWB, and the other party instead of bailing, is hopeful that this could lead to a deeper relationship.)

 

Meanwhile OP, besides skimming this thread, I also checked out your other threads. From reading them--even those written within the past few months--as well as your posts on this thread, I am getting the impression that you are really looking for a relationship. Are you sure you are really cut out for FWB? Sounds to me that you are not.

Edited by Imajerk17
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My best advice is stop using the term FWB or "friends with benefits" because the word "friend" in that phrase is a bit of a misnomer. FWB isn't an agreement to get to know each other and see if you like each other for something serious. It's an agreement to have sex without any expectations aside from more sex. And it's not about being friends at all. I mean, most people, if they wanted to have sex with someone because they were attracted and they WERE friends and liked the person, then they wouldn't say they just wanted sex. They'd be saying "Here's a guy or woman I might have a relationship with." So the term is misleading, but it's not about a step toward a relationship. That might accidentally happen once in a blue moon, but it's not the purpose of being FWB.

 

In my day, they just called it fbuddies and it usually ended up only happening when you'd already dated someone and could tell it wasn't going to be a relationship but you didn't hate them so you might have sex once a year or something when there was nothing better to do.

 

I know it's not what you want, so you need to change your approach and profile accordingly. Don't say you want fwb or to hook up because it will attract the worst class of guys. It will attract mainly a lot of cheaters, looking for a way to have variety sex behind the back of their wife or girlfriend. That's going nowhere.

 

Just say you are "dating" and hoping to meet someone you enjoy being with, and then IF exclusivity is something either of you want, it will come up naturally later at a more appropriate time, once you know each other. And that way you don't look like a woman who will just do it with anyone and attract the bottom of the barrel in men. Instead, they'll think, well, this is great. She isn't looking to just hook up but she's also not going off about a relationship before we've even met.

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Um he hasn't contacted me since today. We departed at like 2am this morning. He looked at my snapchat and then that was it. Its the fact that he is ignoring and not communicating and shows hes an unreliable partner. I asked him what to do with the charger. He didn't answer which to me means he wasn't interested or something.

 

Hang on.....he's been out of contact for less that 24 hours and you're flipping out? I thought he'd been AWOL for days.

 

Now I read that you aren't actually wanting a FWB. But rather a slow start into a relationship. Hon, these two aren't remotely the same thing. I agree with all the posters who are saying that you need to change your approach.

 

Also, if you are going to get upset about having had sexual intimacy with a guy who doesn't call again, then start dating traditionally. Get to know him over a period of dates before getting intimate.

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healing light

The first thing that came to my mind when I read this thread was that it hasn't even been 1 day yet! That's not falling out of contact. That's not even long enough to know if you have been ghosted.

 

I wouldn't read into the tinder thing because now you guys already have each other's numbers. So that could just be a functional thing for him.

 

Too much analyzing, too soon.

 

No reason to delete him or move on because you have no indication he's not coming back.

 

However, that being said, even though the charger situation was accidental, it could look like it was done on purpose to him. I had a roommate who would purposely take items from men to guarantee she would be seen again (most times, they didn't care enough about the item to stay in contact). That in combination with wanting to know he got home safely and being annoyed that he didn't tell you when it was late at night and he was probably just crashing into bed may have come across as needy to him.

 

You seem too invested in this mentally for me to think that friends with benefits would be a good option for you. That being said, I wouldn't be surprised if you heard from him again, but don't let him take up any more mental space until you do.

 

Oh, not that this matters one bit, but I also think sex is only intercourse. Don't know if that's a generational definition or not, but I would never consider someone to have had sex if they didn't have PIV or anal. Everything else to me would just be like "hooking up"/foreplay/sexual contact, but not sex.

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