Should I give him a chance?

[Missy Love]

I've been hanging out with a guy now for several months, and at first I was certain we were just friends. I met him through a group of my friends, and we hit it off as friends. I can be myself with him, and we enjoy each other's company. I was having fun with him because I thought it was friendship only, but recently, I was suspecting that he was interested in being more. He started to ask me to hang out with him more one on one and would try and gradually make moves on me, like grab my hand, etc.

 

Well, he recently confessed his feelings for me, and now has been really moving forward on things. He's tried to kiss me and is just more romantic in the things that he says to me. He contacts me almost on a daily basis and wants to spend a lot of time together now. I feel like he keeps pushing to move things forward romantically / physically, and honestly, I enjoy his company and friendship, but I'm not sure that I feel anything more. I was attracted to him, but for some reason, I really just don't feel that into it. My gut all along has told me that he isn't right as a romantic fit, but I'll be honest, I've enjoyed his attention and company.

 

He's been a bit too much lately because I am not sure that I feel the same. Like the thought of him kissing me annoys me for some reason because I feel like it's what he wants but not necessarily what I want. I've told him that I'm not ready for all of that, and he still keeps trying to.

 

I haven't had a relationship in nearly four years. I've been having a blast with the single life, traveling and enjoy my life and career, but I do feel ready to move forward and build a life with someone... I just haven't met that right person yet. Should I just give him a chance or keep holding out? I just don't feel that excited about the thought of being romantic with him, even though I am a bit attracted to him and we have fun together.

 

I guess the other issue is that I've been quite lonely, and it's sad for me to think I'll lose him as a friend. He's been really helpful with things and has been there when I've needed help with some things. I think right now he has been getting mixed messages from me. He's the first guy who has really expressed interest in me in a long time, and so that has also been flattering. I guess I feel that there might be someone else out there who is a better fit for me.

Edited June 25, 2017 by Missy Love

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've been hanging out with a guy now for several months, and at first I was certain we were just friends. I met him through a group of my friends, and we hit it off as friends. I can be myself with him, and we enjoy each other's company. I was having fun with him because I thought it was friendship only, but recently, I was suspecting that he was interested in being more. He started to ask me to hang out with him more one on one and would try and gradually make moves on me, like grab my hand, etc.

 

Well, he recently confessed his feelings for me, and now has been really moving forward on things. He's tried to kiss me and is just more romantic in the things that he says to me. He contacts me almost on a daily basis and wants to spend a lot of time together now. I feel like he keeps pushing to move things forward romantically / physically, and honestly, I enjoy his company and friendship, but I'm not sure that I feel anything more. I was attracted to him, but for some reason, I really just don't feel that into it. My gut all along has told me that he isn't right as a romantic fit, but I'll be honest, I've enjoyed his attention and company.

 

He's been a bit too much lately because I am not sure that I feel the same. Like the thought of him kissing me annoys me for some reason because I feel like it's what he wants but not necessarily what I want. I've told him that I'm not ready for all of that, and he still keeps trying to.

 

I haven't had a relationship in nearly four years. I've been having a blast with the single life, traveling and enjoy my life and career, but I do feel ready to move forward and build a life with someone... I just haven't met that right person yet. Should I just give him a chance or keep holding out? I just don't feel that excited about the thought of being romantic with him, even though I am a bit attracted to him and we have fun together.

 

I guess the other issue is that I've been quite lonely, and it's sad for me to think I'll lose him as a friend. He's been really helpful with things and has been there when I've needed help with some things. I think right now he has been getting mixed messages from me. He's the first guy who has really expressed interest in me in a long time, and so that has also been flattering. I guess I feel that there might be someone else out there who I can fall for more.

 

Read this again. There's no need to settle. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy, just not right for you.

[Missy Love]

What is a good way to let him know without ruining the friendship we have?

[preraph]

You can't keep the friendship because for him it's not a friendship. I think your instincts are right not to get involved romantically mainly because I mean, he took this long to make a move and that is lame and also kind of lying.

 

You can't keep him because it wouldn't be nice. You need to make him move on. If he stays around as a friend he will try to make others think you are together and block new men. You shouldn't use him just because you're lonely when you know he's not the right one. The longer you string him along, the more hurt he'll be.

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Give him a chance! You'll never know what could be if you don't try...

[maxi105]

arrgghhhh...trying to kiss you doesn't sound that comfortable, however, emotions can make all sorts of rushed and un-thought things happen, and he sounds even from what little you say about him like a respectable person - just a bit shy and maybe hasn't read the signals or wanted to, possibly to make sure of if you felt anything back or to be more certain he wasn't made a fool of by your mutual friends.

 

ok, so he's been a bit too keen for your liking, but he shouldn't be shunned or punished for his feelings if he hasn't done you any real harm other than be over keen and maybe a bit socially awkward: it's not a crime and these sort of misunderstandings happen every day, so it's not necessary to punish someone more than they may already feel put down by this situation.

 

I think if you'd have wanted that intimacy you'd have kissed him back or gone home all flustered and confused and thought of him and the chance for another kiss and only you know if you do /did you feel that way? (it doesn't sound as though that's what has happened for you though, but i could be wrong); you might be sat reading this now and having had a bit of time to think about this more since you wrote you might be starting to be feel something more for him now..who knows.

 

anyway from what you've said, one of the problems is that you've enjoyed the attention and flattery and so have sent out signals for him to carry on!!! he also wants to be with you so is even happier when he realizes you like that attention in a flirty way or absorbing way - so again, if you are not really serious or would prefer to be just friends with this man then you HAVE to be honest with him (even if you have told him before and he hasn't understood, say it again but in a gentle way - love can hurt people too especially if it's not reciprocated).

 

I also think maybe it might be worth an apology for how this situation has gone.(I'm sure people there will be quite a few reading this that won't agree with me saying that,) but I think he probably knows that you only see him as a friend by now, but his rational side is lost in emotions for you, and an apology might help to clear the air for you both if you acknowledge your part in his feelings, whether you feel partly responsible or not. it's not a big thing, but I imagine it might actually mean something to him. and it could help if you actually both decide that friendship is something you can both continue with and handle as good friends now this has happened; also, if he is the decent person i think im sure he'll also apologise to you as well! so thats not a bad thing for your freindship progress if it is to be that freindship is still available.

 

it must have taken courage to tell you his feelings so just bear that in mind whatever happens next (good or not so), but also tell him you'd like to keep just as friends as that is the fairest thing to do.

 

it doesn't sound like you want to explore a realationship on a deeper level in that way for the right reasons to me, sorry; I feel that you are trying to piece together things because you are friends have brought this to your attention and think you might be a good pair. but if it's going to be it will be, however, I'm not sure if you sound ready for anything serious with him and actually sounds like you'd rather meet someone else.

 

loneliness alone doesn't feel like a strong enough a reason to get together with someone (whether you know them through others or not) itd be awful for you if you got together because you were lonely and then it went nowhere; and besides, it sounds a bit unfair really which I'm sure might hurt him all over again!

 

on the slightly more positive though, there is no reason why you would lose him as a friend automatically, however if you do it is more likely to be his decision if he wants you around if you don't want him or if he feels awkward - but that's the risk of attraction if it's not too clear if the other really likes you or not, but again it's not always a negative outcome for everyone. loads of people get into these types of small situations and are still friends.(or can be friends once the embarrassment has worn off).

 

maybe ask him if he'd be happy for you just as a friend? some people can handle being around their crushes as friends, others cant, maybe also you might be wiser to think a bit more about the feelings of others next time you're looking for a partner if he isn't the one for you.

 

it's easy to be flattered and string people along intentionally or otherwise, but for those on the other side of the fence it can hurt in the long run and can feed feelings that are not only false but are also unfair, it can also stop that persons chances whilst they are hung up on you in meeting someone that might actually love them or be a better bet than you (in the same way that you think he might or might not be for you).

 

I don't know how well you guys get on, maybe there is more there than you can express, but even if there is I still think you should offer the friendship clearer and more direct communication than has been of late and im sure that things will repair themselves once you've spoken to him.

 

its seems that as you suggest yourself (and another forum poster has mentioned), that friendship is probably the better option for now. but just be prepared to have someone that likes you move on from you one way or another if they are sensitive to what has happened. i hope that doesn't happen, but at least be grateful that he is someone you can talk to , so at least you have a chance to know where you both stand.

 

it can't be much fun for him, so be honest and kind, and think how you you'd like someone to treat you in the same situation if it were the other way around!!!

 

good luck with it all, I'm sure it will all be fine and you can keep your communications open, honest and fair. just be sure that you are not waiting for a fairy tale man to come along, meeting people travelling sounds fun and being caught up in your career im sure is equally fulfilling , however the settling down type of relationship you looking for again after a gap may take a while in finding a suitable like minded match. just try to be a bit more aware of the same kind of mismatches if you can help it whilst you are looking for the one.

 

despite my reply, only you know what is best for you. and hopefully as its been a while since you've posted your dilemma, you already know what is right for you by now.so good luck with you and him in whichever way you decide to go with this.

[melalvaro]

Hi Missy Love,

 

You already know that you don't like what he is doing. Don't get pressured by losing a friend because you will lose him anyway. He was not showing that he loves you. He was showing that he only wanted you for sex. What he is doing is an indicator of that. Wait for the right one for you.

[angel.eyes]

You don't want to kiss him and find the thought annoying. He's not a romantic option.

 

I would be honest and tell him that you only see him as a friend. You don't want to date him. The more direct and upfront you are about nipping this in the bud, the less likely this is to drag out, create drama, and keep the right man from finding you.

[Missy Love]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm going to have to put my foot down and let him know where I stand. What makes you think he was interested in something physical only? I guess I didn't catch onto that.

[Missy Love]

Well, now it has been a few months and I've been continuing to see him. Unfortunately, I feel like I've been starting to like him more now, but I feel nervous that I am letting my guard down. I also notice some emotions that I'm not particularly fond of, like I'm starting to feel jealous of his prior experiences with other women. Any insight on how I can prevent this from happening more? I think this was part of my hesitation for wanting to get closer to him because sometimes relationships tend to bring out unhealthy emotions.

 

There's still a part of me that thinks there is someone else out there who is a better fit, but I am starting to like him more now too. So I'm at a bit of a crossroads.

[TaxMan]

Hi Missy Love,

 

You already know that you don't like what he is doing. Don't get pressured by losing a friend because you will lose him anyway. He was not showing that he loves you. He was showing that he only wanted you for sex. What he is doing is an indicator of that. Wait for the right one for you.

 

I'm not sure I get this response. Where do you get that he was only interested in sex? If that were the case, why wouldn't he have asked her out straight away and tried to get physical right off the bat? It sounds to me as though his feelings of friendship eventually turned into something more, while hers did not.

[TaxMan]

Well, now it has been a few months and I've been continuing to see him. Unfortunately, I feel like I've been starting to like him more now, but I feel nervous that I am letting my guard down. I also notice some emotions that I'm not particularly fond of, like I'm starting to feel jealous of his prior experiences with other women. Any insight on how I can prevent this from happening more? I think this was part of my hesitation for wanting to get closer to him because sometimes relationships tend to bring out unhealthy emotions.

 

There's still a part of me that thinks there is someone else out there who is a better fit, but I am starting to like him more now too. So I'm at a bit of a crossroads.

 

I'm curious why you've decided to keep seeing him after saying a couple months ago that you were going to "put your foot down." What changed? Did you make it clear to him you were not interested, or did you leave that part hanging? If so, he's probably still hoping something will happen between you.

 

I guess I'm curious about what happened in the recent months that A. Led you to continue seeing him and B. Led you to start having feelings for him.

[preraph]

Well, here: Just keep dating other guys too. Easy fix. Don't let yourself get stranded with him. Obviously, you are lukewarm on him at best. So don't waste any time by being exclusive with him.

[Missy Love]

What had happened is that I enjoyed spending time with him and also had fun. I started to like him more and so ended up deciding to see where things went. I do like him a bit more now, but I still do feel like we have some differences and I also think he's moving faster than I am ready for in some ways. I am now at the point that if he were seeing other women I would feel jealous, and so I don't think it's fair to see other guys too. I had thought he might have been seeing other women too and also now that we are a bit more involved, I do feel more jealous about things he has done with women in the past. At the same time, there's still a part of me that feels like there might be someone out there who is a better fit for me.

Edited August 28, 2017 by Missy Love

[TaxMan]

What had happened is that I enjoyed spending time with him and also had fun. I started to like him more and so ended up deciding to see where things went. I do like him a bit more now, but I still do feel like we have some differences and I also think he's moving faster than I am ready for in some ways. I am now at the point that if he were seeing other women I would feel jealous, and so I don't think it's fair to see other guys too. I had thought he might have been seeing other women too and also now that we are a bit more involved, I do feel more jealous about things he has done with women in the past. At the same time, there's still a part of me that feels like there might be someone out there who is a better fit for me.

 

I honestly don't get the jealousy, if you're not genuinely interested in him. If you are, a certain amount of jealous makes some sense, though I think just a *BIT* is all that's healthy. But: I see A/ No reason to be jealous of what happened before you came along. That's past. and B/ If you're not interested in being with him, why should you care if someone else is? THAT sounds unhealthy, at least to me.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd be inclined to have a conversation about where you stand, what his feelings are, what your feelings are, and where to go from here. It's possible, given the length of time this has gone on, that his feelings have changed too, maybe not for the better.

 

Why not talk about it, get all your cards on the table and then move forward with a much more informed idea as to what's going on? Sure, you run the risk of losing him as a friend, but it's selfish, in my opinion, to just keep stringing this along with no resolution for either of you.

[TaxMan]

At the same time, there's still a part of me that feels like there might be someone out there who is a better fit for me.

 

Also, this smacks of "grass is greener" syndrome, and you two aren't even together. This is not a good sign. If you think someone out there is better for you than him, then maybe your best bet is to cut him loose and let both of you find the right person for both of you. Continuing to see him b/c he makes you feel wanted and you have fun is borderline using him for your own ego boost, IMO, especially when you acknowledge that you have very little interest in him romantically.

[Missy Love]

Definitely fair points. Thank you.

[preraph]

Yeah, you're not going to find the other guy if you're exclusive to this one. I mean, nothing wrong with enjoying this while it lasts, but if you reach a point you know he's not a keeper, don't fritter your years away on him. Not fair to him either.

[Missy Love]

Well, I ended up giving it more of a shot with him and I had started to really like him. Everything seemed to be going fine and like we were both enjoying what we had together, but he recently started to withdraw. He actually ended what we had because he said he felt like he wasn't ready for it and thinks I can do better, but hopes we can eventually be friends.

 

I'm a bit confused and hurt as to why it seemed like he was interested, and once I finally gave in and we were dating, he ended it. It makes me wish I would've just kept it as friends all along. Not sure what could've changed on his end.

[Highndry]

Well, I ended up giving it more of a shot with him and I had started to really like him. Everything seemed to be going fine and like we were both enjoying what we had together, but he recently started to withdraw. He actually ended what we had because he said he felt like he wasn't ready for it and thinks I can do better, but hopes we can eventually be friends.

 

I'm a bit confused and hurt as to why it seemed like he was interested, and once I finally gave in and we were dating, he ended it. It makes me wish I would've just kept it as friends all along. Not sure what could've changed on his end.

 

My how the tables do turn. Never take anyone for granted. Good luck.