I love my best friend and am having issues over it

[Lex30]

I am looking for some advice and feedback on this. This is kind of long, but I guess that isn't a surprise considering this have been going on for a few years now.

 

I have been best friends with a girl for 15 years. We met right at the end of high school, went to the same college, even worked at the same place for a few years, we've been close and in each other's lives throughout this whole stretch. I can't speak for her, but for much of that time it was platonic on my end. I think maybe she liked me early on, but she's acted platonic ever since. She's been the closest friend out of any one in my life. Nothing intimate ever except hugs, sometimes really deep ones.

 

4 years ago I ended a relationship, she was there to help pick of the pieces and that is when all of this started. I developed strong feelings for her, I completely loved her past friends. Now, she was a few months into a relationship with a guy, so I didn't say anything and knew I just need to let go of the feelings and start dating again. I met someone a few months later and we dated about 2 years and then it was clear it wasn't going to work, so we broke up but this time I wasn't in a bad state. The break up had nothing to do with the feelings for my best friend. They were in the background and not so bad. I kept them in check and loved the girl I was dating more right up until the last month.

 

The past year I've been really struggling with feelings. She's happily in the same relationship. So happy that unless something bad happens, I think they'll get married eventually. So I keep trying to go back to dating hoping I'll meet someone and it will take my mind off of her. But it never does.

 

What is worse is she is constantly texting me, calling me or wanting to hang out or include me in plans. And why shouldn't she, she views me as her best friend and wants me a part of everything. Outside of her family and BF, I'm the next closest person. I've just become a huge part of her life, I helped her career wise, I've helped her with fitness training and a diet plan, the list goes on. She has told me a bunch of times she looks up to me.

 

I have tried to get distant from her, knowing that less contact, less seeing her and more dating is how I am going to get through this. But still, it doesn't matter, I'll always cave in to having a conversation with her or taking her up on plans. Longest I've gone with no contact is 3 weeks. I also feel like I am hurting her by distancing myself, and indeed I am because the longest stretches of this she'll get concerned and start contacting me asking if I am ok, am I mad at her, we need to meet up, can I help with anything, etc.

 

So I am in a bad spot. I am her best friend and she wants me involved in her life because of that. Her BF not only is super trusting of me but also has become a good friend, tries to include me in stuff and he even has in the past few months introduced me to single lady friends. I really don't want to hurt her and tell her "look I have feelings for you, I have for a few years, and its to the point where I have to drop contact with you for a long awhile to get over this." She'll be crushed over it. It will cause big waves in our circle of friends too.

 

I feel like I can't tell any close friends because it will get back to her. I did bring this up to one really close friend that I can trust, and he basically told me you can't just ditch her over this, you've got to just date and you'll meet someone that will make you forget those feelings. I have tried, even dating a girl for 3 months but I was more concerned about plans and talking to my best friend then the girl I was dating.

 

So there it is. Thoughts? How screwed am I? Is there anyway to get through these feelings without having to hurt her feelings by avoiding her, or being honest and likely ruining the friendship as well is causing issues with our circle of friends?

 

If the only way past this is to be blunt, break the news to her and avoid her for awhile, is there a tactful way of doing it?

Edited May 29, 2017 by Lex30
Typos and grammar errors!

[preraph]

This is what happens when you pretend to be "just friends" and it usually blows up once the other person finds out. She's taken so you can't just go confess now. It wouldn't be ethical. Honestly, with you being after her, I don't think you should be taking advantage of her bf's trust. I think you need to move on.

 

In 15 years, if something was ever going to happen and she felt romantic about you back, don't you think there's been plenty of opportunity for her to show you that. I mean, you know how hard it is to conceal.

[Lex30]

This is what happens when you pretend to be "just friends" and it usually blows up once the other person finds out. She's taken so you can't just go confess now. It wouldn't be ethical. Honestly, with you being after her, I don't think you should be taking advantage of her bf's trust. I think you need to move on.

 

In 15 years, if something was ever going to happen and she felt romantic about you back, don't you think there's been plenty of opportunity for her to show you that. I mean, you know how hard it is to conceal.

 

That's the thing, I understand it wouldn't be ethical. I know I have to back of the feelings, I am having issues with that. I also would never take advantage of how much her BF trusts me, I'm not like that.

 

The first 2 years, she liked me, I know she did and she's told me then at years after she did. I was always just friends for 11 years, wasn't pretending, that is how it was. Now the last few years all these feelings problems started, particularly after that 2 year break up. I was in a bad state emotionally after that and really that's when the love for her started like this. Its been a struggle since then, despite having a relationship after that and dating.

 

Its to the point where I think the only way through this is to stop talking or seeing her. But how do I do that without telling her the reason? And you basically said its wrong to confess my feelings at this point. I am not disagreeing with that.

 

So I don't really know how to handle it but what's clear is her constantly contacting me and bringing me into various things in her life is making this worse. And I have tried to just cool off contact, but it just never works. Can I call her in say "Look I am having an emotionally difficult time at the moment, part of it is causing me to have feelings for you, its just a recent thing, I need to just not contact you for awhile till I get over this" I can't imagine that will go over well. I don't want to hurt her in doing so and I know for a fact its going to....badly. But it isn't going well with me dealing with these feelings and being in contact/around her weekly. FML!

 

As I said, its going to cause awkwardness with the circle of friends. I really am not the kind of person who cares what people say/think of me. But I'd prefer not to also have to deal with that.....I may not have a choice though

Edited May 31, 2017 by Lex30

[todreaminblue]

if something hasnt happened ever after a couple of years maybe three max..... no matter what you feel reality has to be in your mind...it isnt meant to be....however much you feel or have dreamt of happening...isnt going to...because theres another in the picture who doesnt feel as much or doesnt even think of you in that light or way....that you do.....

 

you have a relationship with her bf, your close circle of friends that you share and you have her friendship....telling her now is really a moot point.....not ethical or good for anyone involved...unrequited love is hard to handle.....but true love is about the happiness of the person you love.....and not about self....its certainly not about causing hurt to be detrimental to the person you have these feelings for. and detrimental to the relationship she is currently in........true love is giving,respectful,thoughtful and self sacrificing......

 

it would be best i feel, for you to cut contact......and heal....and i dont feel you have given yourself time away and distance for this to happen....try to avoid conversations where she is bought up,disconnect from social media....if need be.....and avoid situations and places where she might frequent.....and take the time and distance you need to move on from her......

 

 

she is in a relationship she is happy.......and you like the bf....let her go .....

 

and do you.....do the no contact thing.....do the things you love to do ......even maybe a holiday maybe a weekend break..........or get out of the area regularly....make a cut...sever for a while...reconnect with family....get in your car and drive and visit places you have always wanted to.....people you havent seen for a while.....reconnect with friends who arent in the same circle.....and work on getting back to that place.....where she was a friend to you...and not a love interest..however long it takes...thats respectful to her new relationship,its honorable and right..you dont have to explain yourself to anyone...just do it....because what you are doing is just........thats ethical.....if anyone asks...just say you need some space...and take that space and use it to heal.....however much space and time you need...take it..its yours......deb

Edited May 31, 2017 by todreaminblue

[preraph]

You are going to have to shoulder this. You can either do it by being her friend, enough of a friend not to ruin her thing with her man, or you can do it by finding someone else to date and simply not having enough time to always be there for her and stop focusing on her. You can't just tell her you're a mental mess and expect her to say , Oh, alright, see you around. You've kept a lid on this for 15 years. Keep it on for longer. Who knows, maybe she will break up with him sometime and you can at least get it off your chest. But meanwhile, you need to be dating and finding a woman who is available and you might end up in love with the new woman and truly just friends with this old one and her man as a couple.

[Lex30]

if something hasnt happened ever after a couple of years maybe three max..... no matter what you feel reality has to be in your mind...it isnt meant to be....however much you feel or have dreamt of happening...isnt going to...because theres another in the picture who doesnt feel as much or doesnt even think of you in that light or way....that you do.....

 

you have a relationship with her bf, your close circle of friends that you share and you have her friendship....telling her now is really a moot point.....not ethical or good for anyone involved...unrequited love is hard to handle.....but true love is about the happiness of the person you love.....and not about self....its certainly not about causing hurt to be detrimental to the person you have these feelings for. and detrimental to the relationship she is currently in........true love is giving,respectful,thoughtful and self sacrificing......

 

it would be best i feel, for you to cut contact......and heal....and i dont feel you have given yourself time away and distance for this to happen....try to avoid conversations where she is bought up,disconnect from social media....if need be.....and avoid situations and places where she might frequent.....and take the time and distance you need to move on from her......

 

 

she is in a relationship she is happy.......and you like the bf....let her go .....

 

and do you.....do the no contact thing.....do the things you love to do ......even maybe a holiday maybe a weekend break..........or get out of the area regularly....make a cut...sever for a while...reconnect with family....get in your car and drive and visit places you have always wanted to.....people you havent seen for a while.....reconnect with friends who arent in the same circle.....and work on getting back to that place.....where she was a friend to you...and not a love interest..however long it takes...thats respectful to her new relationship,its honorable and right..you dont have to explain yourself to anyone...just do it....because what you are doing is just........thats ethical.....if anyone asks...just say you need some space...and take that space and use it to heal.....however much space and time you need...take it..its yours......deb

 

Thanks for your opinion and advice.

 

I think if I do what you suggest and just break away from her and that circle of friends it will solve the issue, it just could take weeks, months or longer. Its just that by doing so, using the excuse I just need space, the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to restore things. Since I do just want to get over my love for her and then get back to being close friends with her and our circle of friends.

 

I am happy for her that she is happily in a relationship that is heading to engagement. That's the best friend of 11 years speaking.

 

The more I look at it the more I feel I can't say anything, but if there really becomes a serious issue after cutting contact and trying to restore it I could just explain the whole thing as a last ditch effort.

[Lex30]

You are going to have to shoulder this. You can either do it by being her friend, enough of a friend not to ruin her thing with her man, or you can do it by finding someone else to date and simply not having enough time to always be there for her and stop focusing on her. You can't just tell her you're a mental mess and expect her to say , Oh, alright, see you around. You've kept a lid on this for 15 years. Keep it on for longer. Who knows, maybe she will break up with him sometime and you can at least get it off your chest. But meanwhile, you need to be dating and finding a woman who is available and you might end up in love with the new woman and truly just friends with this old one and her man as a couple.

 

I haven't kept a lid for 15 years though, 11 of those years it was just friends, nothing more. Didn't view her as someone I wanted to date or even had intimate thoughts about.

 

I posted above that I am leaning towards just telling her and some of those friends that I needs some space for a bit, some work and family related issues. I can also say I got hurt over the last girl I dated, and need some time to deal with those feelings and trying to get over it. She'll want to help or meet up over it, but I'll say I will be fine, I just need some space for now. I think that could work and then I just continue to date, hang out with some other friends and hope the feelings of love go away slowly.

 

Personally, I don't see her and her current BF breaking up, its real close to engagement. I think to get over this, that thought has to completely leave.

 

I have to just really get back to dating. I haven't really talked to her much in the past few days. Think I'll throw the text out soon about need space of what I said above. Its probably the only chance I have without really hurting feelings and things maybe getting back to how they were 4 years ago prior to this.

 

Thanks for the advice. I do agree to some degree, I have to shoulder it and not say anything.

[preraph]

Instead of saying space, tell her, Hey, I'm going to be scarce for awhile. I need to get busy dating and find a girlfriend and hanging out with you is making it too easy to put that off, but I need a real girlfriend. Hope you understand.

[Lex30]

Instead of saying space, tell her, Hey, I'm going to be scarce for awhile. I need to get busy dating and find a girlfriend and hanging out with you is making it too easy to put that off, but I need a real girlfriend. Hope you understand.

 

Thanks, I just sent a text out saying that I needed some space for the reasons above as well as needed to focus more on dating as that was the best solution for me to get over my recent breakup. I didn't take it as far as you suggested, partially because I really do feel she'd take that as being a hit to her. I ended it with I hope you understand. She responded saying, if something is wrong and you need help please let me know. She also said she knows dating and finding someone is real important to me and let me know if I can help.

 

So we'll see how long she is "cool" with me not contacting her. I suspect she'll try to pry after a week of not hearing from me. I usually post stuff on facebook of being tagged her out with friends, etc. I am stopping as she'll see that and know I am avoiding her specifically. If I feel the feelings are waning a bit in few weeks, I'll try contacting her just letting her know I am ok and how dating is going etc. If I feel that brings back stronger feelings for her, then I know I have to stop doing that. Think that is reasonable?

 

Either way, this is really what I need to do, for myself. It sucks, I actually am pretty sad I have to do this but its my fault. I got myself into this falling for her when I shouldn't have so I've got to pull myself out of this.

 

I probably will post more on this thread about how this goals or advice etc!

Edited May 31, 2017 by Lex30

[todreaminblue]

Thanks, I just sent a text out saying that I needed some space for the reasons above as well as needed to focus more on dating as that was the best solution for me to get over my recent breakup. I didn't take it as far as you suggested, partially because I really do feel she'd take that as being a hit to her. I ended it with I hope you understand. She responded saying, if something is wrong and you need help please let me know. She also said she knows dating and finding someone is real important to me and let me know if I can help.

 

So we'll see how long she is "cool" with me not contacting her. I suspect she'll try to pry after a week of not hearing from me. I usually post stuff on facebook of being tagged her out with friends, etc. I am stopping as she'll see that and know I am avoiding her specifically. If I feel the feelings are waning a bit in few weeks, I'll try contacting her just letting her know I am ok and how dating is going etc. If I feel that brings back stronger feelings for her, then I know I have to stop doing that. Think that is reasonable?

 

Either way, this is really what I need to do, for myself. It sucks, I actually am pretty sad I have to do this but its my fault. I got myself into this falling for her when I shouldn't have so I've got to pull myself out of this.

 

I probably will post more on this thread about how this goals or advice etc!

 

 

i think what you are doing is really thoughtful and i feel you are doing the right thing...i also feel the first point of healing is accepting responsibility and you have done that......you are self aware ...the sadness..inevitable....i am in a similar position....we werent really close friends though.....he wouldnt even recognise i am gone.....which is why i didnt need to explain or ever would explain to my circle of friends we share.....i just severed all contact physical and social media...i am sad....but i am working on me.....i am going to do the drive thing....i have to get a license first...) and working on my fishie business.....i want to breed fish....going to call it fishy business....a mobile aquarium fish delivery service.....i actually want to be on a permaculture farm and do aquaponics as well....so many dreams big ones...

 

and i want to back my altruistic self by setting up a farm that kids adn world weary people can come too..most of my dreams just need wings and many prayers........most of my dreams dont need him...to come true...well he sold me the fish tanks so he is sort of involved without even knowing it...smilin......i so wish i could drag him with me.....i just want to be near him,protect him,share passions with him, thats how i feel....but....i cant.....he doesnt even really like me so its now time for me to plod away with my dreams....

 

im sorry you feel sadness...it sucks especially at night....especially when you know its going to be a long time you feel that sadness.......do you have any dreams other than her....deb

[preraph]

Sounds like the best way. Well, you may surprise yourself once you get your feelers out there and start focusing on some other women. You might be more comfortable just giving her a "you ok" update once in awhile, but do it at your own pace. Don't suppose she has any friends she'd introduce you to? That's one thing you should do now, ask friends to introduce you and invite you to parties, school events, work events, church events, and maybe google the name of your town and meetup and peruse all the different groups there are. I don't recommend the dating groups, but more the hobby/interest/activity groups because it's easier to talk to someone when you have something in common, so like bowling, kayaking, paranormal group. There's everything under the sun.

[Lex30]

The whole past week, I haven't thought about her really at all. I avoided our circle of friends and made plans with some friends I really haven't hung out with much over the past few years. No contact with her, has allowed me to not think about her and believe it or not that seems to be the trick. I haven't really felt sad or depressed over my feelings for her.

 

Today however I did get a text from her, she asked how I was going and hoped I was ok. She also texted saying heard I would out with X on friday, hope you guys had fun. So I think she through that last thing in to basically say you want space from me but you were out with other friends. And since that text my mood has soured a bit, because now I am thinking of her and the feelings for her.

 

I haven't responded just yet. Do I even need to explain myself about why I was hanging out with other friends?

 

@preraph I definitely have friends and family outside of her and that circle of friends I can consistently hang out with and go to events. So that isn't an issue. I am trying to launch myself back in dating, and I agree with you, the more I am out, the more I'll meet single women. I never used dating sites or Aps in the past. I've always just met women out or through friends.

[Lex30]

i think what you are doing is really thoughtful and i feel you are doing the right thing...i also feel the first point of healing is accepting responsibility and you have done that......you are self aware ...the sadness..inevitable....i am in a similar position....we werent really close friends though.....he wouldnt even recognise i am gone.....which is why i didnt need to explain or ever would explain to my circle of friends we share.....i just severed all contact physical and social media...i am sad....but i am working on me.....i am going to do the drive thing....i have to get a license first...) and working on my fishie business.....i want to breed fish....going to call it fishy business....a mobile aquarium fish delivery service.....i actually want to be on a permaculture farm and do aquaponics as well....so many dreams big ones...

 

and i want to back my altruistic self by setting up a farm that kids adn world weary people can come too..most of my dreams just need wings and many prayers........most of my dreams dont need him...to come true...well he sold me the fish tanks so he is sort of involved without even knowing it...smilin......i so wish i could drag him with me.....i just want to be near him,protect him,share passions with him, thats how i feel....but....i cant.....he doesnt even really like me so its now time for me to plod away with my dreams....

 

im sorry you feel sadness...it sucks especially at night....especially when you know its going to be a long time you feel that sadness.......do you have any dreams other than her....deb

 

It sounds like in your situation you have moved away from this person and tried to focus on other interests. I obviously share that feeling of wanting to share passion in love with someone I can't. So sadly I can commiserate with you. Not a good feeling at all. I do feel this is going to be awhile, as I said before, dating alone and even being in a relationship didn't kill the feelings or sadness over her. That is why I posted this whole thread, I know I have a real problem with this. Its embarrassing but after 4 years of dealing with this, I have got to solve this so it doesn't hold me back anymore. You, peraph and other had great advice and I have taken it.

 

I feel my specific problem is she isn't going to leave me alone. As I said in my previous post, she texted me asking how I was doing after a week of no contact and then threw in the I know you were hanging out with other friends. I don't even know how she found out. No one posted the plans on social media and she doesn't talk to the 3 people I was out with friday. But I feel she is going to try and pry into why I am not talking/hanging out with her anymore.

[ironpony]

She sounds like a really good friend to have, if she is concerned about why you are not hanging out with, and to what is going on.

 

I use to have the same problem with a friend of mine, that I had feelings, for and still do but have accepted it. She has a bf now, but I am actually happy for her, and have no interest in telling her how I feel or interfering.

 

Could you look at it that way, that you are happy for your friend, for having a good bf, and feel better about it?

[preraph]

The whole past week, I haven't thought about her really at all. I avoided our circle of friends and made plans with some friends I really haven't hung out with much over the past few years. No contact with her, has allowed me to not think about her and believe it or not that seems to be the trick. I haven't really felt sad or depressed over my feelings for her.

 

Today however I did get a text from her, she asked how I was going and hoped I was ok. She also texted saying heard I would out with X on friday, hope you guys had fun. So I think she through that last thing in to basically say you want space from me but you were out with other friends. And since that text my mood has soured a bit, because now I am thinking of her and the feelings for her.

 

I haven't responded just yet. Do I even need to explain myself about why I was hanging out with other friends?

 

 

@preraph I definitely have friends and family outside of her and that circle of friends I can consistently hang out with and go to events. So that isn't an issue. I am trying to launch myself back in dating, and I agree with you, the more I am out, the more I'll meet single women. I never used dating sites or Aps in the past. I've always just met women out or through friends.

 

Don't explain anything to her. In fact, you don't even have to answer her. If you do say, "I'm fine, just busy" and then detach.

[Lex30]

She sounds like a really good friend to have, if she is concerned about why you are not hanging out with, and to what is going on.

 

I use to have the same problem with a friend of mine, that I had feelings, for and still do but have accepted it. She has a bf now, but I am actually happy for her, and have no interest in telling her how I feel or interfering.

 

Could you look at it that way, that you are happy for your friend, for having a good bf, and feel better about it?

 

I agree, its just that somehow in the last few years I've developed strong feelings of love for her. I probably should have took a step back a year or two ago to address it rather than letting them grow and get this strong.

 

The best friend in me is really happy she is in a great relationship. I don't want to interfere, I actually like her BF, he is a great guy and goes out of his way to take care of her. It really sucks being so conflicted with this.

 

I am hoping I continue being distant for a few months, I really connect with someone dating and the combination of both turn the feelings off so I can go back to being best friends. My last relationship while I was really into the girl, it didn't cut off the feelings for her, probably because I was in constant contact with her.

[devilish innocent]

It sounds like you've been through this before with her. Where you tried to distance yourself, and she pulled you back in. You may need to set up stronger boundaries than you have in the past so the same thing doesn't keep happening over and over again.

 

I would probably tell her, "Please don't contact me even through texting anymore". Tell her you appreciate her concerns, but you promise you really are okay. Then tell her it is also nothing she did wrong, it's just something you can't discuss with her. I would follow that up by blocking her number. I know you're concerned about hurting her, but you need to take care of your own feelings.

[Popsicle]

I would have told her. I would have told her, then apologized for pretending then said goodbye.

[bluefeather]

I'm in disagreement with pretty much everyone here except Popsicle. You were her friend for so many years, and now you're lying to her. That's really uncool and a lousy thing to do as a friend. You should have told her a long time ago, but now it's too late so you're punishing her and making a bigger mess of things.

[Lex30]

I do feel that I may have to tell her eventually if I can't cut the feelings off through dating and some space between us. It sucks, I don't like lying to her. When she asked what is wrong, I technically haven't lied, I did tell her I really needed to focus on my dating life as I've been single for almost 7 months and it was really bothering me. She understood that, offered help, etc.

 

My thinking is I can meet someone through dating and they'll take my mind off these feelings with a little space between us. If not after some time, I probably have to bite the bullet and tell her. I'll just say I developed feelings for you 4 years ago, and being single is taking them where I know that can't be, so I really wanted to focus on dating with a little distance to preserve our best friendship. If I have to go down this road, that's respectable and I'm being 100% truthful in saying that.

 

You are all right, should have brought this up 4 years ago when it started, now I am paying for it, and I need to take care of myself first. Yes she is also being hurt as well which also sucks. Its been 4 years, what is 1-3 months more of a last ditch effort?

[bluefeather]

I've seen this before. The story is guy thinks he can hold it in or get over it, but he can't and eventually ends up vomiting his emotions all over the girl. That is why I said you are making a bigger mess of things. It is too late to come clean. I don't think you can pull it off without coming off as foolish, and that's putting it nicely. What I'm saying now is it looks like you have dug yourself into a deeper hole. So I guess just keep going with your logic and keep your secret. I don't really like it, though.

[Lex30]

I've seen this before. The story is guy thinks he can hold it in or get over it, but he can't and eventually ends up vomiting his emotions all over the girl. That is why I said you are making a bigger mess of things. It is too late to come clean. I don't think you can pull it off without coming off as foolish, and that's putting it nicely. What I'm saying now is it looks like you have dug yourself into a deeper hole. So I guess just keep going with your logic and keep your secret. I don't really like it, though.

 

I think if this was a matter where we had been friends for a few years and I had feelings throughout that period, I'd be more inclined to just state how I feel. What makes this tricky is the 11 years of best friendship prior to the 4 years I developed feelings. At least that's my thinking and my logic.

 

It certainly is not a good situation, but I feel being distant and dating will do far less damage then just coming clean. Again, its my line of thinking with this. And honestly, I never tried to really be distant from her to deal with this.

 

This week was pretty decent, I was busy with work and some family obligations. I went on a date that overall went really well. She did text me yesterday asking how I was, and how my week was. I did respond and I told her about the date, and unlike last week I felt ok with our conversation. I realize there are going to me ups and downs with this. I really think meeting an attractive woman that had similar interests as me and a positive date with her has taken my mind off my best friend. It could be short lived too, but I just have to continue doing what I have done the past two weeks.

[Lex30]

So my best friend texted me today saying she had to talk to me, it was important.

 

We talked for awhile on the phone, she was concerned I was being distant with her because of some personal stuff she told a friend we are both close with in our circle. She felt really bad about it and thought it got back to me and I was irked about it. To be honest, I am a little upset over it. It was something pretty personal that I asked her not to tell anyone a few months ago. I did tell her I was a upset she told this person but I knew she didn't do it to hurt me intentionally etc, I'd be fine and get over it.

 

I then told her I was being distant to her because I really need to focus on dating. I am currently miserable and sad over having been single for close to 8 months. I told her being around her so much lately was creating feelings that shouldn't be there and its only because I am feeling pretty alone lately. She seemed to understand, and told me she knows how being single for awhile can make you drift towards opposite sex friends, especially close ones. She said she has been there in the past but wouldn't elaborate. She did say a few times, "You're fine, I really get it and I've dealt with the same exact thing. Its pretty common and I respect you for saying something."

 

She told me to focus on dating, she would respect that but said she couldn't promise she wouldn't throw me a text or two here and there. She was happy about the latest girl I have had a few good dates with now. She also told me don't be afraid to be open about these things in the future. She has a friend that I was really into a few years ago that has been is recently single. She wanted to talk to her if I was still interested in her. Also she said she had rebound glasses on so she'd make sure before she tried to match us up.

 

I didn't tell her the extent of it, but i think she likely got enough of the picture to realize I was being distant to preserve things long term. So here's to hoping now I can maybe move on from this in the near future. Maybe not totally but enough where its not an issue.

Edited June 12, 2017 by Lex30

[rose808]

Sorry to go against the grain but... I think you should tell her! If I were her I would feel so, so, hurt not to know why - it will really get to her. I have friends where we've both liked and not liked each other over the years in a romantic sense, and it hasn't always been at the same time. But it's been best when there has been honesty.

 

Nothing like this but in any case, she will know something is up and she deserves to know - if she isn't into you any more then it's not like it will cause problems with her current guy. And you're going to break contact anyway so what difference does it make, except the fact you're being honest. You could even message the boyfriend separately and be like - it's a recent development, not something I've been harbouring for ages, and make it seem like the honourable thing that you're getting space.

 

You only have one life! At least if you tell her then maybe a couple of years from now, if they break up, she might think to get back in touch and see if something could work or just to catch up. But if you don't tell her it's not like *you* can get back in touch if you find out they've split up.

 

Tell her goddammit!!