Tressugar Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Not too sure if this is in the right category. My platonic friend of many years has confessed that he's always been in love with me. I'm home sick from work and he wants to come by to care for me and call me baby. The problem is that I don't remotely feel that way about him. I haven't developed the courage to tell him I don't see him in that manner. He was scared to tell me his feelings about me in fear that it'll ruin our friendship. Now I'm scared to tell him my feelings of not feeling romantically inclined toward him and having the disclosure ruin our friendship. He's a good person, safe. But I'm not physically attracted to him even if I were to get drunk. I'm at a quandary and don't know what to do. My friend really has it bad for me. He has planned a whole list of romantic trips for us to take during the summer. How do I stop this from happening or reverse what is going on? I know why this is happening. After recently being abandoned again. I felt unloved and rejected. I asked the Universe to send someone who can love me for me and not want to leave my side. BAM! After a day or two later my friend calls me to that he's been secretly in love with me for years. Maybe next time I can for someone I can love and who loves me equally if not greater than I love them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Not too sure if this is in the right category. My platonic friend of many years has confessed that he's always been in love with me. I'm home sick from work and he wants to come by to care for me and call me baby. The problem is that I don't remotely feel that way about him. I haven't developed the courage to tell him I don't see him in that manner. He was scared to tell me his feelings about me in fear that it'll ruin our friendship. Now I'm scared to tell him my feelings of not feeling romantically inclined toward him and having the disclosure ruin our friendship. He's a good person, safe. But I'm not physically attracted to him even if I were to get drunk. I'm at a quandary and don't know what to do. My friend really has it bad for me. He has planned a whole list of romantic trips for us to take during the summer. How do I stop this from happening or reverse what is going on? I know why this is happening. After recently being abandoned again. I felt unloved and rejected. I asked the Universe to send someone who can love me for me and not want to leave my side. BAM! After a day or two later my friend calls me to that he's been secretly in love with me for years. Maybe next time I can for someone I can love and who loves me equally if not greater than I love them. I can't tell you how many times a young man confesses his love for one his female friends and it goes unrequited, but it probably happens at least 500 times a day worldwide. Most women have had this happen to them multiple times. The short answer: 1) He'll get over it. It might take him a while. But he will. 2) About ruining your friendship. Chances are when you and/or him get married and have kids, you won't be friends anyway, if it doesn't happen before that. I would stay friends, but I wouldn't stress about it. 3) Limit contact. The last time this happened to me (yes, it has happened several times), the woman pretty much kept her distance and that was the best thing. I should thank her for doing that in retrospect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 There's only one course of action that makes any sense: You have to respectfully tell him what you've just told us. He may be sad and disappointed, but he'll get over it. People do. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tressugar Posted April 10, 2017 Author Share Posted April 10, 2017 Thank you for your responses. I feel like an ass. I can't tell him at least not right now. I don't have the words to tell him. I don't want to be the one who hurts him. He's been nothing but kind to me. Maybe I should feel blessed to have someone who would kill to be by my side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Don't let it give you such guilt because you can't reciprocate. He needs honesty, not pity. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 (edited) Thank you for your responses. I feel like an ass. I can't tell him at least not right now. I don't have the words to tell him. I don't want to be the one who hurts him. He's been nothing but kind to me. Maybe I should feel blessed to have someone who would kill to be by my side. It's not really that serious. Part of my maturity process as an adult was seeing how silly most of my infatuations were. I mean lets be honest here. A guy here is totally in love with you and you feel absolutely nothing. That's not a good mentality for him to have and it should be adjusted. You can help by being the mature voice of reason or you can feed the fire and prolong it by making it dramatic. Edited April 10, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 You're going to have to have that conversation sooner or later--better to make it sooner. I'd ask him "how would you feel if I could not return those feelings to you?" and see where it goes from there. Yeah, you've got to be specific about what you ask from the Universe because when you omit the details, it will send you exactly what you asked for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 So, he's totally in love with you and you feel nothing for him. That's really great to know, but you should definitely tell him so. At least with that knowledge, he knows that his love for you will be unrequited instead of being strung along. Anything he does for you after that point is of his own accord. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Thank you for your responses. I feel like an ass. I can't tell him at least not right now. I don't have the words to tell him. I don't want to be the one who hurts him. He's been nothing but kind to me. Maybe I should feel blessed to have someone who would kill to be by my side. Be careful that you're not allowing yourself to be manipulated by his feelings for you--because it can turn into that if you don't check it. The longer you keep silent, the further into these feelings he's going to go. He may know on some level that you're not there yet--but did he even ask you if you felt the same way for him, or did he just put it out there, sort of like "I'm going to leave this with you"? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 So, he's totally in love with you and you feel nothing for him. That's really great to know, but you should definitely tell him so. At least with that knowledge, he knows that his love for you will be unrequited instead of being strung along. Anything he does for you after that point is of his own accord. Good advice but username sadly doesn't check out. Op please do tell him the truth. You're not attracted to him. It's a no-go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tressugar Posted April 10, 2017 Author Share Posted April 10, 2017 I just sent my friend a text message saying that I'm not ready for anything serious yet, but really appreciate and feel blessed to have him in my life. Let's see if this breaks up our friendship. It seems like my dates leave my life over literally nothing. So this will indicate to me on where I really stand with him. Link to post Share on other sites
TheAntiHero Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Tell me, is this sap paying for dinners and buying you gifts that you're "too scared" to decline? If so, you need to stop it. Tell this guy everything; he needs to hear it. Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Good advice but username sadly doesn't check out. Yeah, unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 I just sent my friend a text message saying that I'm not ready for anything serious yet, but really appreciate and feel blessed to have him in my life. Let's see if this breaks up our friendship. It seems like my dates leave my life over literally nothing. So this will indicate to me on where I really stand with him. You aren't being clear enough. Why would you use a term that suggests there is a chance for something in the future? You need to be blunt, clear and concise. There can be no doubts. If your friendship is meant to be, then it will be fine. That message you just sent him is too vague. Maybe you are more worried about the potential of losing a friendship than being brutally honest. He will get over it, there are billions of you girls out there. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tressugar Posted April 10, 2017 Author Share Posted April 10, 2017 (edited) Like I thought he's not accepting it. He knows how bad I've been burned in the past so he feels he will be better and not anyone else I've dated/married in my past. He said he'll go slow and be patient with me. He's over riding my feelings. I knew this was going to happen. I've got nothing else better to do...So I caved and told him k. Edited April 10, 2017 by Tressugar Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 I just sent my friend a text message saying that I'm not ready for anything serious yet, but really appreciate and feel blessed to have him in my life. Let's see if this breaks up our friendship. It seems like my dates leave my life over literally nothing. So this will indicate to me on where I really stand with him. But your feelings are that you're not ready for anything period with him. That message will still give him hope and he will wait you out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Like I thought he's not accepting it. He knows how bad I've been burned in the past so he feels he will be better and not anyone else I've dated/married in my past. He said he'll go slow and be patient with me. He's over riding my feelings. I knew this was going to happen. I've got nothing else better to do...So I caved and told him k. This made me feel sick to my stomach....how cruel can you be? This will be like a slow death for him...just rip the band-aid off fast. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Like I thought he's not accepting it. He knows how bad I've been burned in the past so he feels he will be better and not anyone else I've dated/married in my past. He said he'll go slow and be patient with me. He's over riding my feelings. I knew this was going to happen. I've got nothing else better to do...So I caved and told him k. His manipulation has won. Like I posted earlier--you need to ask him how he would feel if you can't return his feelings, because the truth of the matter is: you can't. Him manipulating you isn't the answer. Yeah, it might be unpleasant for both of you and him in particular, but you're going to have to be prepared to cut off his friendship if his end goal is waiting you out and doing a "drip drip drip" on your forehead til you aquiesse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 Like I thought he's not accepting it. He knows how bad I've been burned in the past so he feels he will be better and not anyone else I've dated/married in my past. He said he'll go slow and be patient with me. He's over riding my feelings. I knew this was going to happen. I've got nothing else better to do...So I caved and told him k. People can't force you to do anything you don't want to do. The irony is that you've just displayed a very unattractive trait by not standing firm to your beliefs and caving in at the first challenge. This leads me to think that the guy is not in love with you, and that he is infatuated instead. He has some kind of unrealistic image of you in his mind. Your statement about not having anything else better to do is also something of a red flag. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 I'd say it was awful if I didn't read these boards enough. He might not even care if you're into him if you give him the goodies. Just try not to grimace too much. Link to post Share on other sites
caringsister Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 You're trying to dodge being straight forward. It is never a fun thing to have to tell someone you don't feel the same way they do, but it is the right thing to do for the both of you. To allow him to think that in time he might have a chance is nothing short of cowardly and cruel. Club him over the head already and allow the healing to begin. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted April 10, 2017 Share Posted April 10, 2017 I just sent my friend a text message saying that I'm not ready for anything serious yet, but really appreciate and feel blessed to have him in my life. Let's see if this breaks up our friendship. It seems like my dates leave my life over literally nothing. So this will indicate to me on where I really stand with him. I didn't read this. This is too vague, Tres. You need to tell him what you told us, that you have feelings for him as a friend, but no romantic attraction. If that ends your 'friendship', , it means there wasn't really a friendship there. Be more direct and if he still persists, then he has no one to blame but himself. But right now you aren't being fair Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 11, 2017 Share Posted April 11, 2017 You can't be gentle in this circumstance. Now he thinks you just promised him that someday you'd be with him. You have GOT to tell him right now, "I'm sorry. I value your friendship very much, but I just do not have any romantic feelings for you, and that's not going to change with time." Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 You can't be gentle in this circumstance. Now he thinks you just promised him that someday you'd be with him. You have GOT to tell him right now, "I'm sorry. I value your friendship very much, but I just do not have any romantic feelings for you, and that's not going to change with time." There is probably a part of her that wants the attention, the ego massaging, and being desired. Although she does not see him in a romantic way, it's possible that her ego was conflicted thereby making some of the message vague. It has some similarities to behavior where people want to have their cake and eat it. If she was blunt and clear, then her ego stands to lose out. Vagueness is the egos best friend. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 i absolutely loathe telling guys who truly care for me no...but i know i have to ....my daughter bawled her eyes out all weekend doing the same thing and so would i......hurting people is something i actively avoid so rejecting doesnt come natural at all plus i am empathetic.....the universe is helping me out at the moment i guess or go din particular......as i build up my strength for that conversation....because i suffer from depression ill know it will sink me...i am just being there for him as a friend ...he needs me as that.....and i feel he already knows it anyway.....i hav ealways been a friend to him before i was ever hisgf/...... i know whats right and i know what is wrong...and being with someone who i dont love is death to them and to me........they could be with someone who truly does love them and is attracted to them....i wont do it...and neither should you......if you are growing feelings its different if you can feed a shift adn grow soem more until that turns into respect affection adn love....adn yes it is a lack fo respect to dat esoemoen you dont care for........but if you dont hav efeelings or fele anythign growing........let the guy go ....you are hurting him more .....and yourself as well.................deb Link to post Share on other sites
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