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Hopeless situation?


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SarahsSmile

I met my..well I don't even know what to call him anymore. I guess you could say he's my friend. I don't believe that he considers me a friend though. Let's just call him Brad.

 

Brad and I have been inseparable for 4 years. My friends don't like him. They roll their eyes when I speak of him. My parents can't stand him and actually wouldn't even let me hang out with him while I was living at home. Now that I'm on my own though, we've become inseparable again.

 

He's not a bad guy. He's just been dealt a really bad hand and has trouble coping. His dad kicked him out a few months ago, so he moved in with his mom and step dad. His told him one offense, and she'll kick him out too.

 

Last Friday, he got arrested for drunk driving. He's not 21 yet so this was a big problem. He called me from jail to come and get him out because he didn't want his mom to find out. So I ran straight there to get him.

 

His mom ended up finding out anyway and she held true to her word. She kicked him out. It was a mess. He asked if he could stay with me for a bit, and I told him that was okay with me.

 

He came over that night and he was so so sad and discouraged. He was crying. I have never seen him cry. He was scared. I sat with him on my couch and we talked all night. It was like 4am at this point and I was exhausted. Before I went off to bed, he thanked me, gave me a hug and kissed my forehead.

 

Just last night, he told me he was going out with his guy friends. I'm not his mother so whatever. At 3am I heard him coming in, so I got up to see what was going on. He was completely hammered. And there was a girl walking through the door behind him. I have no idea who she was so I told him I wasn't comfortable with him bringing strangers into my place. She then got really angry and almost attacked me! He calmed her down but before she left she kissed him with this hardcore porno style kiss, tongue and all. All the while looking straight at me.

 

I locked myself in my room and cried. I cried all morning. He's called 100 times, left 30 texts saying he's sorry, but I haven't replied.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm worried if I kick him out he'll have nowhere to go. He doesn't have anyone else. Also, I'm afraid to lose him. I'm so confused and hurt.

 

He always does this. But this felt so different. That night on my couch I was for sure he was changing. He was like a different person. I thought he was breaking. I've given him more chances than I can remember, but he keeps doing this.

 

I don't know what to do. Sorry this is so long, it's just that there is so much to tell. I could keep writing but you've probably heard enough already lol.

 

Any advice would be helpful. Thanks

 

-Sarah

Edited by SarahsSmile
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Save yourself and have him stay with that girl he brought to your house.

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SarahsSmile

There was this one time when Brad and I were together just hanging out and he told me that he wished he could find a girl like me. I struggled to find the meaning to that. If he wants a girl "like" me, why not me? What's wrong with me?

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His parents know him and love him way more than you do so if they kicked him out along with the others they had a dang good reason. He at this stage in his life is a Loser and he's going to have to hit rock bottom (by himself) to realize he has to grow up or grow old the way he is now. He will drag you down with him if you use your youth to try of make something out of him. He has to make something out of himself. Kick him out and heal. You deserve so much more and a good life. You would be wasting time with this Brad and miss out on the true love of your life. Don't be afraid to let Brad go.

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He always does this. But this felt so different.

 

I think in your mind, everytime is different.

 

Stop being an enabler. Stop being his mother. Release yourself from this toxicity. Release him so that he is forced to go out there and face his demons.

 

Aim higher.

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ChatroomHero

I have got to ask, what would someone have to do for you to get rid of them? How messed up of a person would they have to be for you to reject them?

 

The answer is easy, keep touching a hot stove and your fingers will keep getting burned. After a while if you keep doing it nobody is going to feel sorry for you that you keep getting burned. They'll just think how dumb you are to keep touching the hot stove and crying about it. Is that how you want to end up?

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Simple Logic

Mistake #1 - getting Brad out of jail. Mistake #2 - letting him stay with you. Mistake #3 - thinking you are some how responsible if he is homeless.

 

Brad needs to learn some hard lessons - that is why his owned family threw him out.

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I don't want to give him up. I don't want to let him go. I love him :(

 

Hun, I think Brad sees you as a soft landing. Someone he uses to bail him out. A guy like him is only in it for himself. Grasp the fact that this is likely only one sided.

 

You save him and in return he brings a girl home and porno kisses her infront of you. He would have had sex with her had you not stopped her from entering the house.

 

Pick up your self-respect and cut him loose. Love cannot be so valuable that you forget yourself.

 

You seem like a sweet girl and a perfect target for guys like Brad. This is not love unfortunately.

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SarahsSmile
He sounds like a trainwreck! Delete, block, move on.

 

I know that's what it sounds like. But he isn't. He has a good side. I've seen it. He's had a bad break. His dad is a drunk. His mom left them for another man when he was 13. He was living with his grandmother who he adored but she died a few years ago and that was his breaking point.

 

I feel sorry for him. All he needs is someone to show him love. Real love. He's never had that. He's searching for something but doesn't know what.

 

I'm not responsible for him, I know that. But I want to help him. I want to be there for him. I can't let him down. He trusts me and I can't mess that up. He needs me.

Edited by SarahsSmile
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He's not a bad guy. He's just been dealt a really bad hand and has trouble coping.

 

Nope, nope, and nope.

 

The guy is selfish and uses people until they can't deal with him anymore. He doesn't have anyone left because they're tired of his antics. You should be, too! Especially after that last episode of bringing that chick home to YOUR house and her kissing him like that strictly to antagonize you. What did Brad think was going to happen?

 

Ask yourself this - What has Brad ever done for you? When has he ever gone out of his way to help you?

 

I understand that you love him. But girl, you've got to love yourself more. This guy is no good for you. I hope you can realize that soon.

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Sarah stop trying to rescue him. He is an alcoholic. All you are doing is enabling him. There is a reason why everyone hates him/kicked him out....he's never taken accountability for his poor behavior/drinking. Alcoholics are selfish drunks, that feel everyone has the problem except them.

 

You must give him serious tough love...go with him to AA to get him help. If he doesn't cut him out of your life.

 

Tell him he needs to clean up his act...and that means no more drinking....if he goes out, that door is locked and you will call the police if he shows up......you need to get him to wake the f up.

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SarahsSmile

I get what everyone is saying, but I felt like he was on the brink of change. Maybe just a little push. I don't know..

 

Maybe if I tell him how I feel about him. I am not sure if he knows. I've never told him. I've always tried to hide it. The truth is, I think he's out of my league. See, I'm not pretty, and I know that. He would never really want a girl like me for that reason. But maybe if I told him, he would see that someone loves him and it would spark something to change.

 

I'm absolutely crazy about him. I love him so much, sometimes I can't breathe

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jennifernyc84

Hi Sarah,

 

I don't usually post on this side of the forum, but your post was screaming out to me!

 

Reading your posts, you sound like a great girl. But I'm seeing so much of a younger me in this post that it scares me.

 

Honey, Brad probably already knows how you feel. If you like him as much as I feel you do, he can probably feel it too, and that's why he's using you.

 

I have a "friend" like that too. He knew how I felt, and he used and abused those feelings to his advantage.

 

I was 10 when I fell for my "friend", and here I am, 22 years later (yes..I'm that old :o) and I'm still in the same hopeless situation as you.

 

If you don't stop this now, you will waste years and years trying to change him and before you know it, you've missed out on YOUR life trying to fix his.

 

Sarah, sweetie, no one can change anyone unless they want to be changed. It doesn't sound like Brad is ready to change. Trust me. I know his type. I have one of my very own. I'm still there picking up the pieces when he breaks something 22 years later.

 

I hope, hope, hope, you're smarter than I was. Get up and get out.

 

All the best xoxo

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but he keeps doing this. -- Now you know why his parents are dealing with him the way they are . . . they too said the same things you are -- "oh, I think he's changing/changed. Things will get better . . . blah, blah, blah."

 

Until people stop enabling him, he will never be able to stand on his own two feet and become a responsible adult. Crying and whining and begging, etc. is about being manipulative. He's scared? Scared of what? That he's burning all his bridges and might have to actually grow up?

 

Help from friends and family should be a "hand up", not a "hand out". Kick his ass to the curb and let him get a grip on his life.

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RecentChange

I know you are young and naive, but someday you will learn that you CAN NOT save people from themselves!

 

This man will drag you down into the pit he is digging for himself.

 

Out of your league? Oh right, a drunk looser who makes bad decisions and disrepects you in your own home is certainly a catch! Come on girl – its obvious that your self esteem must be low. Girls might go for his looks, but women know that a pretty looser is NOT a catch, he is a liability.

 

His parents know, your parents know, your friends know - but for some reason you are blinded.

 

You need to wake up – if I was your friend I would be giving you some stern talkings to in hope you don’t let this loser ruin your life. Next thing you know he will need to borrow money, your maybe he will borrow your car and crash it, or get it impounded. Or maybe he will show up drunk and out of control and get you kicked out of your apartment.

 

Listen, MANY people are dealt bad hands in life, my husband’s mother is an abusive, alcoholic, hoarder with mental illness, cops at the house all the time growing up. He was mentally and physically abused. So was his father who eventually committed suicide. He then found himself homeless at 17.

 

He doesn’t make these bad choices your wanna BF does.

 

Brad doesn’t have anyone else because he has burned every bridge.

 

Love YOURSELF enough to want more in life - okay?

 

P.S. look up “co-dependency”

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SarahsSmile

I can't give up on him. He doesn't have anyone else. Where would he go? He doesn't have any money, how would he eat? No. I couldn't turn my back on him. It's impossible. What good is loving someone only in their good times? No. Love is unconditional. You don't stop caring for the person just because they're having a bad time.

 

What if I throw him out and something bad happens to him? I would NEVER EVER forgive myself. I can't leave him on the streets. When you love someone, you have to put your feelings aside. No matter how badly it hurts.

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DrReplyInRhymes
I get what everyone is saying, but I felt like he was on the brink of change. Maybe just a little push. I don't know..

 

Maybe if I tell him how I feel about him. I am not sure if he knows. I've never told him. I've always tried to hide it. The truth is, I think he's out of my league. See, I'm not pretty, and I know that. He would never really want a girl like me for that reason. But maybe if I told him, he would see that someone loves him and it would spark something to change.

 

I'm absolutely crazy about him. I love him so much, sometimes I can't breathe

 

This would do it, I think.

 

Maybe you two need to have a dinner and ONE small glass of wine 1) to judge if he can stop on his own accord after 1 glass , and 2) to tell him exactly what you just typed out in this quote.

 

Guys are NOT mind readers. If you have never told him, you may think you've hinted enough times but he probably hasn't gotten it. We are oblivious to the things right in front of us sometimes, seriously.

 

If he's this great guy you say he is, and he's capable of being exactly who you think he's capable of being, then I applaud you fighting for him. You know him better than anyone else here, you do what you think is right. If that means hitting him upside the head with a damn dowel and screaming "I love you, you dumbass".

Edited by DrReplyInRhymes
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He doesn't care about you, why should you?

Leave him. It's good for your decision making ability. He's bad for you.

For me, love between lovers is conditional.

If I love a girl and she doesn't love me back. Let go and find another who loves me the same.

Sure, I will still be nice with her, but there's a limit. That Brad is so over the limit.

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You are like a Stage 5 enabler, and that's not doing him any favors. He's treating you like crap, he's treating his dates like crap, and he's treating his parents like crap. And you're helping him.

 

Kick his irresponsible butt to the curb. Good grief! Feeling sorry doesn't help him. He has to learn to survive on his own.

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jennifernyc84
I can't give up on him. He doesn't have anyone else. Where would he go? He doesn't have any money, how would he eat? No. I couldn't turn my back on him. It's impossible. What good is loving someone only in their good times? No. Love is unconditional. You don't stop caring for the person just because they're having a bad time.

 

What if I throw him out and something bad happens to him? I would NEVER EVER forgive myself. I can't leave him on the streets. When you love someone, you have to put your feelings aside. No matter how badly it hurts.

 

Sarah, everything you've said about love is true. But it only applies if the other person feels and does the same for you. Brad isn't, therefore it isn't fair to you.

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RecentChange

No.

 

Love is a TWO WAY STREET.

 

And it's not unconditional. Sorry but no. If he abused you, would you love him unconditionally?

 

He can afford to drink, he can afford to eat. Why can't he get a J O B?

 

Codependent enabler. But you won't listen to your parents, his parents, your friends and everyone else who has your best interest at heart.

 

So go ahead, invite this drama into your life. Love someone who doesn't even want you. Cry your eyes out in the bathroom over the pain he brings into your life.

 

Because everyone is wrong, and you are right.

 

Hopefully he won't bring the next chick home to your house to bang. Hopefully he doesn't get blasted and behind the wheel and kill someone.

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DrReplyInRhymes

I didn't read about the part where he came to your home with another woman.

 

You say you're together but then you say you've never told him how you feel.

 

Does this guy think you're just friends or what?

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jennifernyc84
No.

 

Love is a TWO WAY STREET.

 

And it's not unconditional. Sorry but no. If he abused you, would you love him unconditionally?

 

He can afford to drink, he can afford to eat. Why can't he get a J O B?

 

Codependent enabler. But you won't listen to your parents, his parents, your friends and everyone else who has your best interest at heart.

 

So go ahead, invite this drama into your life. Love someone who doesn't even want you. Cry your eyes out in the bathroom over the pain he brings into your life.

 

Because everyone is wrong, and you are right.

 

Hopefully he won't bring the next chick home to your house to bang. Hopefully he doesn't get blasted and behind the wheel and kill someone.

 

Hey, maybe tone it down a notch. She's hurting right now and she doesn't need someone rubbing it in her face. I know how she feels and it sucks. No disrespect to you at all, I am not trying to start something with you, I promise lol.

 

But Sarah is very young, and obviously has self esteem issues. So reminding her how he doesn't even want her is not something she needs to hear.

 

Sarah, him not wanting you has nothing to do with how pretty you are. That's not what matters in relationships. You're very young and don't fully understand that yet. This guy Brad will go on living his life the way he wants to and will drag you along on a leash behind him if you don't buck up.

 

Stop feeling sorry for him (and yourself) and see him for what he is. Even if he is a nice guy deep down, he hasn't shown that guy to you lately, has he?

 

Stop. Kick him out.

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