Problems with my lover.

[SAVerty]

Hey everyone,I'm currently seeing old female friend that I knew from High School.We have been hanging out quite a few times from me learning her how to drive and having fun and talking to just us laying on the bed staring at the roof talking about what is really bothering us.I have grown quite attached to this girl as she I think she is a beautiful human being and we can talk mostly about anything without any judgement.We both like each other but some problems have arise and I would like to ask for some help to make sure I'm doing the best thing I can right now.She recently broke up with her ex(First love) he moved to Canada and long distance relationship wasn't in their minds they were together for 2 years.We have talked about it and I can see she is still damaged about it and she also admitted to liking me more than just a friend.we have kissed on our last date and she has admitted that she wants to have intercourse with me , but I can see she wants to say things and then say's something else to hide what she is meaning because she says she feels "vulnerable" so I feel like every time I'm looking at her telling her how beautiful she is or trying to kiss her is only pushing her away from me more.I have recently discovered she is also cutting herself sometimes and crying and is also taking depressions pills.She said I shouldn't tell her parents but she also said her mom knows about it and it is her that took her to the doctor for the pills.She is moving overseas in 8 months and I really think this person is the one with how long we can communicate to each other find each other extremely funny and the interests that we both share.I would really appreciate some expert advice!

[preraph]

Well, she's moving in eight months and so not sure how this relationship can last long.

 

Right now, she clearly has some problems. Now, cutting may be triggered by the breakup or whatever you call it, and remember that was long distance, so she can't do long distance. But it's also true it's started with childhood things. Many times it starts because a person feels she is not allowed to express herself to her parents. A friend of mine has an adult daughter who was doing it and my friend never accepted any responsibility for it, but it was clear to me, because you could never tell my friend (the girl's mother) anything real without her poo-pooing you and trying to put a positive spin on it. She thinks being positive is the answer, but it made her daughter become a cutter since she wasn't allowed to express herself. Other things can cause it too.

 

Anyway, it's good she's been to a doctor and on antidepressants. She needs to get through this period. Since she feels vulnerable, which actually means she feels fragile and raw, you do have to be careful. She may be vulnerable to getting involved now out of hunger for what she just lost and then you both regret it later. At the same time, you don't want her to forget you have a romantic interest in her. So I would slow the pace down so it's not too much for her, to maybe once a week. You might even tell her and see if that sounds good and will take any pressure off her or not. Then make her feel special when you do see her. Do not make every date a netflix and chill or just hanging out. Demonstrate your respect for her and help buoy her self-worth by taking her on a proper dinner or movie type date once a week or every other time you see her. Or if money is an issue, a walk in the park, dollar day at the zoo, a drive to a scenic place just out of town.

 

Her life is in flux right now, and she is probably very frightened about the move and everything else, so you don't want to make her panic by demanding to know how it's all going to work. See if she seems to be doing any better in a month or two and which direction she is going, if she's leaning into you or starting to stand more on her own, and then reassess.

 

Good luck!

[SAVerty]

Thanks I will definitely try that and hopefully it helps her , I just want the best interest for her.

[NTV]

I think you should run. This is a lesson I wish I would have learned earlier in life... not to let what other people might do (I.e. cut herself, etc.) Stop me from doing what is best for me. I think you should run. Fast. And whatever she does or doesn't do is HER choice.

 

If she calls you suicidal then call 911.

[Downtown]

She is also cutting herself sometimes and crying and is also taking depressions pills.

Saverty, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I agree with the wise advice given you by Preraph. I note that, during adolescence, cutting can be caused by a variety of different issues. During adulthood, however, it is strongly associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Indeed, that association is so strong that the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has "cutting" listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

Because you "really think this person is the one," you seem to be seriously considering her as a potential mate. If so, I strongly recommend that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you are dealing with. And, while you're looking for a good psychologist, I suggest you learn how to spot the warning signs for BPD by reading about them.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although it is easy to spot strong BPD symptoms, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD might help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid marrying an unstable woman -- and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Preraph in discussing them with you. Take care, Saverty.

[SAVerty]

Hi @downtown, thanks for the informative reply.I have looked at the 18 signs and can not see a lot of similarities.The only things I have noticed are the folloeing from her :

 

1.She is quite honest with me she doesn't mind telling me thing upfront but many times you can see what she eants to say but chooses to say something different.

 

2.She has admitted that she had abadonment issues.

 

3.when we were in our room she doesn't like it when I look at her she tells me not to look at her and look at the roof , tell her she is beautiful etc.I have noticed once I am not focusing on her and looking at the roof and just laying there , she normally comes to me I don't know if that classifies as the push away pull back.

 

4.much later after i have asked what she wished to not look at her and afterbher coming to me and kissing me or sitting on me and when i react she goes away again, I continued to do the same only to later see that she is cutting herself, she said it's better than to feel heartbreak.

 

5.I can see she wants to say how I look , etc but have minored it down to simple "thank you's" and "You're very important to me too"

 

I have spoken to her and told her I think for her health it is best for her to take time for herself and shorten our periods of seeing each other to 2 days s week one for driving and one for walking in the park for excersize, where I will not attempt to kiss her or anything, since I believe she is still not over her ex and me complementing her every second and kissing her and telling her I love her is only pushing her away.I also told her to take time and if she needs someone I'm here then when she is ready she can talk to me.we have talked yesterday after a day without much of a conversation and she has admitted to saying she would like to get over her stuff, and haven't realised she hasn't moved on when she tried.

 

 

 

Any further advice will be greatly appreciated and thanks again for the advice.

[NTV]

Look I said run before. I'm saying it again. If she will cut herself then she will have no trouble cutting you. Somewhere important. You get that right? That she is using you? That she is playing you for a sucker?

 

Ask her about her ex boyfriends. That's how she will talk about you when she gets bored.

 

Ask her why she can't control her emotions. That's something we learn from ages 12-16.

 

I don't know why you're jumping into this. You're looking for more answers not liking the ones you got.... but check out several different posts here and see how often the folks here agree on anything. That's gotta tell you something right?

[preraph]

I would just add that my friend's adult daughter is fully functioning and excelling in getting her Ph.D. and while not socially very outgoing, she is overall not showing any big disorder type problems. But yes, BPD is something to be sure you're not walking into lightly.

[Downtown]

I have looked at the 18 signs and cannot see a lot of similarities.

Saverty, I'm glad to hear you are not seeing many of the 18 BPD warning signs. BPD is a disorder that is so painful that I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Perhaps your GF's cutting is being caused -- as you suspect -- only by her depression. Some people cut themselves because they feel desperate for relief from bad feelings.

 

Yet, although the depression might explain the cutting, it doesn't explain why she has such an intense fear of intimacy -- as occurs whenever you look in her eyes or try to touch her. Nor does it explain why she is unable to regulate her own emotions. I therefore suspect she may have another issue and depression is a co-occurring disorder. I say this because it is common for a mental issue to be accompanied by a co-occurring clinical disorder such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar, or panic disorder. About 80% of female BPDers, for example, also suffer from a mood disorder such as depression or bipolar -- and 81% of them also suffer from an anxiety disorder.

 

I caution that, if she does suffer from BPD, most of the BPD symptoms typically would not be seen early in the relationship. The vast majority of BPDers -- even those exhibiting full-blown BPD -- are "high functioning." This means they usually get along fine with casual friends, business associates, clients, and total strangers. None of those people see a BPDer's strong symptoms because they are unable to trigger a BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment.

 

As a casual friend, then, you likely had no opportunity to see strong BPD traits. You would start triggering her two fears only moving close to establish an intimate long-term relationship. Yet, even when moving close, you likely would be unable to trigger a BPDer's two fears at the beginning of the relationship. A BPDer's infatuation over you would convince her that you are the nearly perfect man who has arrived to save her from unhappiness. In this way, infatuation would hold her two fears at bay. They would not return until the infatuation starts evaporating -- typically about 4 to 6 months into the R/S (or perhaps a year if you are not seeing each other very often).

 

Another possibility to consider is that a small share of BPDers -- I would guess perhaps 5% -- usually turn their anger inward instead of outward. Whereas 95% of BPDers exhibit rages and verbal abuse when their fears are triggered, the 5% are typically quiet people who turn their anger inward onto themselves. Importantly, this does not mean they won't punish you. Rather, it means that you will be punished in very passive aggressive ways -- e.g., cold withdraw and passive aggressive remarks.

 

I therefore suggest you take a look at two online descriptions. One is A.J. Mahari's article about "Quiet Borderlines." The other is Shari Schreiber's blog article about "Waif Borderlines." I am posting the two links separately in another post because they likely will trigger an automatic hold by the forum's software filter. At this late hour of the day, it may be 8 hours before a moderator comes back on the forum and approves the post.

 

Again, Saverty, if you ever decide to pursue this young lady as a potential mate, I would strongly recommend that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with.

[Downtown]

Saverty, the two blog articles I mentioned above are A.J. Mahari's Quiet Borderlines and Shari Schreiber's WAIF Borderlines.

[Pollyannaslim]

Hi my friend.

 

You sound like such a compassionate and caring young man. And I am so sorry you and your girlfriend are going through such difficult times.

 

I do agree with a few who’ve replied to your post, SAVerty. Learning as much as you can about those who self-harm is one of the best ways you can support your love. In addition to the books recommended by, Downtown there is a plethora of articles on line that you may also find helpful.

 

Please understand... that it is only with care and concern that I say, you cannot "fix" your GF, but YES! you can continue to offer her support! Your patience, love, willingness to listen – just “being there” for her, will be great medicine, so to speak, for her path to healing.

 

Finally, as you have already experienced, this is not an easy road for either of you; it is my hope, as a few others have mentioned, that while you are on this journey, you too will seek someone with whom you can share what is on your heart.

 

I will keep you both in my prayers!

 

-P

Edited May 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator