the causal relationship that's really not all that causal

[haaaaaap]

I recently met a lovely man, around 7 weeks ago, through a mutual friend. It was during a night out, and we hit it off pretty much straight away. He's interested in the area that I work in, and his approach to it is unique and interesting and I feel like i'm learning a lot from him.

 

The night I met him, I was not looking for anything relationship-wise. I had just experienced a really bad mental health spell (depression, anxiety had gotten a lot worse), and because it was obvious we were both attracted to each other, before we kissed we had a conversation which went along the lines of - he's not ready for a relationship, he's just come out of a long-term relationship, but he'd really like to be my friend, and if anything happened, it would be causal. I was fine with this - I'm career focused and to be honest, after a bit of light-hearted fun. We slept together that night.

 

He continued to text me the morning after I stayed over, asking if I wanted to go to his the next day and watch some films we'd been talking about (I know, he just wanted sex!). So I went, and it was fun. I wasn't that into it at first - I kinda brushed it off as a very very short term thing that would fizzle out in days. Then I went again the next day, and the next, and before I knew it, we were having sober sex, and doing couplely things. He cooks for me, he takes me the cinema, to galleries, for walks, for dinner, to his friends houses, to where he works, I've been to his best mate's 25th birthday with him, etc., nearly EVERY day. And he makes an effort to talk about me to them - "this is X, she does X" - and he'll relish conversations where they are complimenting me - "yes, she's very beautiful". Since I met him, we've only ever had three nights on the run apart - Sunday is "our day", where he'll plan something and then cook for me in the evening. There's always, I feel, a tension when we go out, that the other one wants to either kiss or hold the other's hand. I remember one date specifically where he was looking in my eyes when we were waiting for our food and edged closer to me, before a friend I knew came over. We've been drunk a few times together and he's made comments like "we've broken every rule of friends with benefits"//"we need to talk about what the rules are"//"we're not f-buddies anymore"//"stop doing nice things for me, it makes me confused".

 

He cuddles me, strokes my hair, he calls me beautiful, he says he wants to look after me, he says he wants the best for me, he celebrates when I have good news. He's an artist, and within a few weeks of knowing me, he'd drawn me a portrait. He stops by my work and chats for around an hour whenever I'm in. He notices things about me that other people don't - like how I pick fluff out of cushions when I'm nervous, and he finds them endearing. I find him looking at me and he just gives me THAT look. He's ALWAYS said to me, if the sex stopped, we'd still be so close - that he never wants me to feel pressured to carry it on, and that it's just a added bonus of knowing me. I was assaulted last year and he's very conscious of that, and tries to get me to open up about it.

 

I suspected of course, that he had started to like me. This weekend, we both went out to celebrate his friends birthday and he got wasted. When we were walking up to the taxi rank, he said he wanted to talk to me. He said that I was fragile and that he wanted me to be strong and that I was worth so much, and that he wants to see me stick up for myself. I took offence. I told him that I'd been through a lot, and that I found confrontation hard, and as much as I'd like to stick up for myself all the time, I can't bring myself to do it with some people. He told me he wanted to look after me, and that he'd never met someone he was attracted to so much, who he also wanted to look after. Then he said "this isn't casual - why are we pretending that it is? Because I'm really really starting to care for you". He then told me he hadn't anticipated this. He had wanted some time to re-evaluate after his breakup (which, from all accounts, he seems pretty affected by), but that "life isn't always straightfoward" and "there's no bad time for something that makes you happy". He told me that a girl earlier had tried to chat him up and that all he could think was "it's not X" and that he kept checking his phone to see if I'd text him. I told him I'd be jealous if he slept with someone else, and he said he would be jealous if I slept with someone else. He said I was a free spirit, that he could see himself being left heartbroken by me, that he's never met anyone like me. That he always thinks to himself that I'd dropped out of nowhere and brought him so much life, and that he's never met anyone like me.

 

in the same conversation, he told me that I shouldn't bother with him - that he was "bad news". I asked him if he wanted me to go, and that if he did, if this was too much for him, I'd walk away. But he said that's not what he wanted, he wanted me to stay. I stayed, we kissed and made up - we held hands, we went back to mine, we didn't have sex, we just cuddled. Next day, we acted like a proper couple, I started to have confidence initiating things like kissing (which I know isn't a big deal - but it is when you're trying to keep up an act of being casual!). We spent all weekend together. He asked to meet my family the next day, as I was planning on going to see my nephew and mum and dad. I was quite reluctant but he said he wanted to, because he knew how much happiness my nephew gave me and he wanted to meet him. So we went. And it was fine. It was nice...

 

And then I kinda feel like he's regretting all this. He's very busy at work at the minute - it's his last week before he hands over to the new junior assistant. His best friend just came back from travelling. Part of me thinks this is why we're seeing a bit less of each other (e.g. 3 times last week and not like 6) - and another part thinks he's bored of me. i don't know if this is the anxiety talking though. He still texts and calls everyday (and the texts go on from morning from night), he calls me when he's drunk as well as says mushy stuff like i miss you, i want to sleep next to you. I've just got a new job and he cancelled seeing his best mate to cook me a meal at his to celebrate.

 

 

I guess I need advice on two things:

 

1. Do you think this guy likes me more than a sexual thing? How does the relationship stand if he's not ready to be "serious" but doesn't want us to see anyone else, and in all respects, acts like a boyfriend?

 

2. How can I stop obsessing over the idea that "deep down" he doesn't "really" like me?

 

 

I'm so confused and I feel like I'm going to sabotage something that makes me happy. I feel like I'm being self-destructive

[preraph]

Yes, I think he likes you, BUT there is something he is not telling you. Anytime a man tells you he is bad news, you must believe him. So you need to just openly ask him, In what way are you bad news? Maybe he's broke or in debt, maybe he's a serial cheater, maybe he is diseased or an alcoholic or drug addict, maybe he's a thief or some sort of criminal who will bring trouble to you. Ask him and find out exactly what he meant by that.